When I'm Accused Does That Mean He's Cheating?

Wise Noddy. You always post the perfect things.

Yes, sweettart, rant away here.
(Does the puppet master know your id? Can he find you? That would be the only reason to hold back)
Remain calm in Real Life. You are doing the smart thing.
Keep going.....

sweettart, the next few weeks may well be the most difficult weeks of your marriage. I remember how much my ex-husband and I both wanted an amicable separation and parting of the ways, but each day that we stayed in the same house made that more and more unlikely. It was a v-e-r-y long two weeks. Making the decision to separate is difficult enough, needing to stay together for a while after deciding to separate is brutal on everyone involved.

You're kids can't help but feel torn in multiple directions. Your husband's attempts to turn them into spies is surely painful for them as well as you. Noddy, as always, gives excellent advice on not getting sucked into the ploy. There are two adults in this saga. Unfortunately, you can only control your own actions. Your husband appears to be behaving childishly at a time when his children need him to be the adult more than ever before.

Vent here anytime and don't be surprised if the next few weeks are harder than you ever imagined. It may seem like time has stopped, but it hasn't. This too shall pass.

Oh boy.

Sweettart ........ look at your situation. Your husband can't stand to not be in control of you. He controls your money. Where you go. Probably how long you are gone. Who you talk to. Be it on the phone or out there in the big bad world called life. Makes it so much easier for him to be on his throne and in complete control of you.

He's even deploying control by proxy. When he uses your children to spy on you. Friends will be next. Oh wait.......you probably don't have many friends do you? He doesn't allow that. Of course not. That would make it harder for him to be in control of you because a good friend would tell you to kick his ass to the curb. Cuz honey he ain't worth it.

I'm glad you read the link given to you. Those are all just guidelines and you can find them posted in most abuse shelters from one end of this ole world to the next. In the list of things to watch out for .......a person can have ONE of the things to watch out for and abuse the hell out of his partner. OR he/she can have them ALL and never become physically abusive. They are simply GUIDELINES and it is very true that if they have 3 or more the POTENTIAL to become physically abusive is high. (please note the word "potential" before anyone gets upset) Cuz like it or not it is a proven fact.

The word abuse may be too strong a word for your situation. But, my friend, you are in a form of abuse. True love and partnership can not grow within the confines of the treatment he gives you. They will wither on the vine and die. He knows this.

My fear for you is what happens when he is no longer in the same house as you. When he feels the lack of control that he has fought so hard in his sick little way to maintain.

I believe that we are all capable of things that we can't even imagine. It's just that most of us never act on them. The majority of people are good and decent and would never harm anyone. Then there are those that crack.

Be strong ........be safe ....and just be aware. It never hurts.

Thank you Caribou, JPB and JustBrook. I can not respond right now because he is here but I will later.

JustBrook you are right. I do not have any friends because he always finds reasons to not like them and says things about them. What you said about them telling me things are not right is so true and that is when he started making sure I did not have people around to talk to.

I have not talked to anyone for a long time. I just have been going along and pretending everything is fine.

We have not had sex for a while and that might be why he thinks I am cheating. He is very focused on sex all of the time and says I must be mad at him if I say I don't want to that night. In my mind I am saying no because we have already had sex at least two or three times that week and he still thinks that is not enough which makes me feel like I am just for his pleasure. Sometimes if I would say no he would get mad and be mean to the kids the next day. He said that was not why but I always saw a change in his mood as soon as I said no and sometimes he would throw the covers back to get up and stomp out of the room.

A few times he has waited for me to go to sleep and then do whatever he wants with me. When I would wake up and be mad he would act like he was just doing it in his sleep and could not control himself. I could tell he was not telling the truth. He has not done that for a couple of years now.

I used to like sex more but now it is not so special which makes it even more out there that he would think I am having an affair.

No, the sex wouldn't be special if it's all about him and his needs.

I've just got done reading all the posts here and agree with what has been said. His behavior likely stems from a lack of self esteem on his part. His methods of controlling you are typical of someone who was raised in an emotionally abusive environment.

Even though you say he is moving out, what is being done to that affect? Has he been actively seeking a place? Are there boxes being packed of his belongings? Have there been discussions on how to handle the household finances? The reason I ask these things is to establish if he truly intends on leaving or is the threat of leaving as another way of controlling you. You mentioned in a post about his "Martyr" syndrome which is another way of controlling. - (making you feel bad and like things are all your fault because you won't give into his will)

Do not let him guilt you into allowing him to stay "for the sake of the kids" or "we can make this work because I love you." You are not in the wrong in this situation. He is. He needs to see the 'need' for himself to change and if you continue to give him what he wants than he will never wake up the fact that he is responsible for his own thoughts and behaviors. he needs a wake up call to see that his words and actions are hurtful.

My step father was an emotional abuser toward me and I have never fully gotten over the ways he manipulated me into thinking I was a terrible person. I still struggle with communication with my mother because there were many opportunities for her get out of the relationship with him but she allowed herself to be convinced she was the problem. As the child of an abuser, I wish now I had better skills to communicate as I have seen the abusive behavior come about when I try to communicate with my fiancee. (yelling, belittling, invalidating, etc) Use this time as a teaching experience for your kids. Show them the confidence you have in yourself, to stand up for what you feel is right for you. Don't talk badly about their father, just be sure to provide them the love and support they need to be strong on their own. They see what is happening, even if you don't say it. Be strong role model and they will be better for it in their own relationships when they have families.

Good luck and stay strong. You have the support you need, just keep believing in the power you have inside you.

Sweettart--

JPB is right--you're in for a long, hot August. I'll cross my fingers that he doesn't start having doubts about his talents for Swinging Bachelorhood and decide to stay under the family roof.

I'm guessing that if you do some packing for him, you'll be an unfeeling bitch who wants to hurt his feelings and if you don't pack you'll be a lazy bitch who expects him to do everything even though he's suffering.

Of course this is assuming that he actually follows through and finds a place to stay. Vacant apartments in the middle of the month can be hard to come by.

Hold your dominion.

MagicBlackCat, I am sorry to hear that about your upbringing. I can relate in that there have been comparisons here and one child has been made to feel that way for some time now. I always come to defense and that makes him think I am showing favoritism but I cannot just let it go without saying he is wrong to say those things to a child.

I was told that he has already paid the rent but it will not be ready for a couple of weeks. He paid it from our joint account so I saw the check has just gone through the bank. He has not started packing but he did tell me to pick out what I want him to have.

I do not think I have to worry about him changing his mind. He is probably looking very forward to bachelorhood and will swing it just fine since his ego will not let him do otherwise.

As far as He needs to see the 'need' for himself to change I do not think he will. He does not care about that and would not admit to having hurt us like he has. He will never get that. He will never say he is sorry and mean it. He only does that when he wants something. He did have issues in his family when he was growing up and I used to feel sorry for him and try to help but it never changed his thinking or his actions.

He has always said that he loves me and that he thinks I am beautiful. I only wish his actions would have said the same thing so that I could really feel it was true.

Thank you for your comments. I consider myself to be a strong person and try to inwardly reflect what I can do to be a better person. I am sorry he does not see the need to change as he has likely doomed himself to a life of unhappiness while he searches for a woman who will put up with his controlling ways. You know what they say about Karma....he will get his and someday (maybe not someday soon) he will realize what he did and will regret it. Only then it will be too late.

It is good to know he is actually taking action on his words. These will be some of the hardest times, but they will definately be worth it. Stay strong and good luck!

usually when I see threads like this I'm skeptical and tend to think that they contain many exaggerations, embellishments and just plain falsehoods... but your sincerity has convinced me that your situation is exactly as you've stated and I only pray that if God is paying attention She will take this pig to a new 10th circle of hell.

God bless you and good luck in your new life.

Why would you think that most people here would exagerate and lie? Why did you call God a she? Are you joking again?

I am sort of joking around...it's my way of dealing with situations.....I actaully have empathy for your situation. My wife and I are going through a divorce...she also posts here and I am waiting for my new place to become available. We are both making every effort to keep things on an even keel and seem to be succeeding, but it is a trying time for all involved.

Thankfully we aren't, or so it would seem, harboring quite such strogly negative feelings about one another, although of course there are some tense moments.

I do think though, that there are generally two sides and two perspectives to every story and although I would not accuse you of lyng (I don't know you) I expect the very same story would be told by the man you speak of in entirely different terms.

Somewhere muddled between the two understandably different perspectives the unvarnished truth probably lies. That's what I was saying. I deal with painful situations, mine or anyone elses, by being a wise ass, but I'm sorry for your situation and actaully do wish you good luck.

You will find most people here at A2K (MOST) to be pretty fair minded so enjoy your time here and remember that buried beneath the vulgar rhetoric the truly kind and loving people here are me, Kicky, Slappy and Gus. :wink:

Okay. I can see where you are coming from then if you are going through this too but I do not know how there can be a different side to a story or a reasonable explanation for saying to ones children that their mother has a boyfriend, or for telling friends that she has an infection, or for saying to her to please not bring men home until after he leaves. I can not think of how his perspective would make these things right to do.

I wish you well too and hope you have an easier time than we do right now.

well all I know of your situation is what you've posted here, so I wouldn't p[resume to make a call.

actually, things are going as well as can be expected in my situation and I suppose I can take some of the credit for that, but no more than my spouse. As long as we keep on acting like adults this will be over soon and fairly painlessly in our world.Thanks for the good wishes. Hope it all works out for you as well.

You already did presume to make a call by saying you expect the very same story would be told by the man I speak of in entirely different terms.

I'm guessing that I said something that hit a nerve or rang of truth for you. I am sorry if that is the case. I am not your wife unless you live in Witchita.

sorry to disapoint... you've hit no nerve with me... and I presume nothing... of course the man would tell the story differently... he has his own point of view....

I am exceedingly grateful however that no matter what problems I may have I at least do not live in Kansas

Boy, look at the two of your sig lines...

Sweetart - Bear is right - everyone has their own rendition of what went down in every relationship, so his story is likely to differ markedly from yours. Doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong, just a little of both.

My relationship is deteriorating, too ... he thinks I'm unhappy and I think he's a workaholic (and therefore boring). Well, the truth is, I'm unhappy that he's so boring, so we're both right!

Go with your gut... if it's time to go, you'll know it, and you should follow up on it. If it's counselling that sounds/feels right, do that. Just try and listen to your gut. It's never wrong.

With regards to the title of the thread, Significant others inquiring about cheating is not an absolute sign of them cheating themselves. This line of logic comes from "psychological projection." Yes it is going on in this case, but I don't think regarding the affair. I would wager that he projects his own disatisfaction in the relationship onto you, and then justifiy's your percieved apathy as being a result of having an affair.

On a side note, perhaps the thing that bothered me the most about this whole issue was the mention of him sharing this info with his friends. There is nothing... more destructive to a committed relationship than going outside that relationship to solve problems. You know that a relationship is trully serious when you commit to eachother not to talk about your "on-goings" to others. Well... on a lighter note, I hope that is the case;;. I don't really know what goes on in girl talk>.>;;

Regarding your soon-to-be ex-husbands sexual habits, that is not all that uncommon among men. Believe it or not, there are men that cannot understand the concept of "not being in the mood" or "not wanting to right now." There are actual biochemical reasons for this. But, with a strong commitment and a good man, he can bring himself to understand the concept, and if nothing else, accept that loving you means putting you first ^^.

There is a reason for your husband's behavior. It may or may not be a recent development but I will say with some certainty that no one makes large changes to themselves or to their life that doesn't fundementally WANT or NEED to. He needs to move out before he can even come to a place where he can NEED to change his attitude.

Oh, and by the way, there is nothing more annoying than someone saying "It's just a joke" after saying something that has clear non-comical meaning. Humor is the ability to tap into what someone else might find amusing... and there's nothing amusing about your situation right now.

mame, I'll soon be available. I'm high maintenance and require a lot of presents but I'm anything but boring. :wink: