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My husband of 9 months bruised my arm

 
 
Charms
 
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 03:42 am
Crying or Very sad

I feel really sad, disappointed and angry. My husband humilated me infront of his family by calling me a "very ugly word in our language" he also hurt my arm by squeezing the soft flesh of my upper arm until it burnt and bruised. I was having a debate with his cousin about husbands and wives and the roles that we play in relationships. His cousin believes that a woman should be obedient to her hsuband and do whatever he says. I dissagreed with him and a heafty debate followed. My husband got involved and he told me to sit down and shut up. I couldn't believe it, he has never acted this way toward me before. It's like he doesn't want his cousin to be overpowered by a woman, because I was starting to win the debate.

What do I do now? My husband acts as if I was wrong, and he is even more angry at me than what I am at him. He says that the bruise is nothing and that I brought it onto myself...

We haven't been speaking since then... Please help me...
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 13,277 • Replies: 250
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material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 04:49 am
Well done for standing up for yourself.
I find it so funny that a mans only 'comeback' on a woman is 'sit down and shut up'!It just prooves they have no evidence that men are any better than women.
They are just scared of what women are capable of.

If your cousin is planning on getting married I think you should warn any potential wife of his views as in this day and age women wont put up with that, as youve prooved.

Has your husband physically hurt you before?

Had you discussed the roll of women in relationships with him before?

I think mainly you should realise that *you have every reason to be angry at him, not the other way around*.
I find humouring men to be a good way of calming things.As long as you know you are being fair it doesnt really matter what they think.
As for the name calling it is only humiliating if you allow it to humiliate you.Try to let wash over you.
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Charms
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 04:59 am
My husband really respect his cousin, hethinks of him as an older brother . His cousin has been married for 8 years and he has 3 kids. His wife is always doing whatever he tells her to do, and he just cannot handle the fact that I am an independent, liberated woman.

My husband knows exactly how I feel, and he has never hurt me in the past. That is why this is so much of a shock to me. We have been in a relationship for 7 years and he has never hurt me like this before.

It was our 9 month anniversary yesterday and I spent the day crying my eyes out.

I really think that his cousin is trying to come between us... and I really don't know what I'm going to do next.

Thankyou so much for the encouraging words, it makes me feel beter to know that he is the one at fault and not me.
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material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 05:14 am
Seems as tho your husband doesnt want to appear weak infront of his cousin.Its ok that you are independant when its just you and your husband behind closed doors but I think if its displayed infront of other men/people he admires then he is going to feel threatened and try to assert his masculinity to impress any male onlookers.

Its a big shame that your husband cant change with the times.Surely he should respect you just as much as he respects his cousin.
Dont let the marriage side of things get in the way.If you back down now he will know he can 'control' you the rest of your marriage.

You say he insulted you in your 'own language'.Does this mean you are of a different nationality/religeous background with 'dated' beliefs?
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Charms
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 05:28 am
Well, We are South African and my own language is Afrikaans slang. The word he called me was a mix between to the words "A$$hole or B!tch".

We do not have different dated beliefs.

I think your are right. My husband doesn't want to appear inferior infront of his cousin.

I have no intention of backing down or giving in to his attitide. He knows this and that is why he is acting as if he was never wrong.

I cannot thank you enough for putting things into perspective for me. He is supposed to be the love of my life, I'm supposed to be the most important person in his life and he is suppose to stand up for me, not abuse me to impress his Sexist cousin!
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material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 06:12 am
My friends boyfriend is SA and can be quite hotheaded, I also have SA relatives.

Maybe the cousin is unhappy in his marriage and is trying to get your husband on his side so he can share his problems.

Violence should not be tolerated ever.You can bet your behind he wouldnt put up with it if you were violent towards him.I can only suggest moving out if he does it again, then he will know your not messing about.

Men are simple creatures.They believe it when we APPEAR to back down.Just humour him but know in your own mind that he and his cousin have a silly view on it.
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BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 10:58 am
Your husband was WAY wrong in resorting to physical violence against you. It kind of scares me. It's good news that he's never done this before, in 7 years, but one resort to physical violence may lead to others. Watch him!

Personally, if I were you, I would be so angry at him I would no doubt do something outrageously stupid, like try to beat him senseless! It's a good thing you're not like me!

I've heard of other women with violent husbands who recruit a male relative/friend to physically threaten the husband, and let him know that if he harms you, he will have to answer to another male. I think, though, that this would probably just escalate things, and isn't the best idea for you.

You could, however, find a place to go in case it ever happens again. Set up a "safe place," with relatives or friends who know what's going on, who know that if you come banging on the door at 2 AM they need to let you in and keep him out.

Once a few days have passed and you're both a little more calm, would he be willing to sit down and talk with you about this? I think it's really important that you take all the steps you can to make sure he won't physically hurt you again. He needs to know that what he's done is Just Plain Wrong. And clearly he doesn't know this yet.

I wish I had better advice, but know that I really feel for you, and wish the best for you.
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roger
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 11:27 am
Husband is way wrong, as Boris says, but maybe it's a unique occurance to the marriage. Is it possible he'll figure this out for himself in a few days. If so, by now, he might be looking for a graceful way to back down. Up to you, of course, if you're going to let him do it.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 12:43 pm
You need to address the issue that he physically hurt
you, just for the mere fact that you disagreed with him.

If he has no other means to argue as with his physical interference as opposed to with his brain, than there is something very wrong with this man.

If it was me, I'd tell him that if he ever repeats his
intolerable behavior, I'm out the door for good.

Not talking to him, crying and salking is not the answer Charms, you need to speak to him and define your rights.
You also should encourage him to seek counseling for
his violent behavior.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 12:45 pm
I'd also be wary of this relationship. One time does not make an abuser but it can be a precursor. Tell him the next time he touches you he's going to have to pry the cast iron frying pan off his head.
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:14 pm
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband

I think that the way he spoke to you is even more serious than the bruise he gave you...because that could have been unintentional...while his words demonstrate blatant disrespect, it sounds as if he views you as some kind of possession which he now owns and can treat any way he likes.

Talk to him, and let him know how that makes you feel...and see if he can show true remorse...

By the way material girl...dont get carried away here ok? this is one guy, not the gender.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:17 pm
unintentional violence is still violence.

I'd just keep your eyes peeled. This is how domestic violence begins. Ask nearly every woman who's been there. Guy starts out "normal" and then thing just slide down hill.

Please be careful. This isn't something to take lightly as "oh he didn't mean it." yes he did. Because if he didn't mean it, he wouldn't have done it.

My husband has grabbed my arm before and the millisecond I said "ow, that hurts!" he let go.

Where is Brooke? She might be useful in this thread.....someone track Brooke down.....
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:18 pm
Re: My husband of 9 months bruised my arm
Charms wrote:
Crying or Very sad
He says that the bruise is nothing and that I brought it onto myself...


This is the statement that should send off warning bells. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:29 pm
violence is still violence and it is serious...and it certainly was NOT your fault...but I think that the emotional impacts of the violence are probably more serious than the physical
0 Replies
 
Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:40 pm
stuh505 wrote:
violence is still violence and it is serious...and it certainly was NOT your fault...but I think that the emotional impacts of the violence are probably more serious than the physical


Stuh, in this case, yes. In 5 years from now, who knows? That is what concerns me here.

The fact that this man said she caused the bruise and isn't sorry for it.... When he breaks her arm because she got the wrong milk, will it be her fault then too? I am not saying that this is the path this realtionship will take. I pray that it doesn't. But Charms, you need to understand that if he did it this time, there is a high chance that he will do it again. And again. And again. It's entirely possible that he believes he did nothing wrong but that does not make it right.

Just be careful. I can't stress that enough.
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OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:48 pm
Welcome to A2K, Charms!

Quote:
He says that the bruise is nothing and that I brought it onto myself...
That seems to be the common denominator of every domestic abuse victim I've ever heard. I've read lots of stories and those are the magic words that say it will only escalate from here.

The longer you are together, the more possessive he will become. Soon he'll expect you to abandon your friends and dedicate yourself only to him.

The more possessive he becomes, the less it will take to set off his anger and the more he will hurt you. The more you accept that it, the more you will wonder if it really is your fault. IT"S NOT!

There are two kinds of men in this world: those who are capable of hurting women... and those who are not. They NEVER change teams.

You've married an abuser, sorry, get the hell out of there while you still can! It will get nothing but worse from there. According to dozens of abuse victims on this thread; if they say the bruise is nothing and that I brought it onto myself... you are in danger. Believe it. Be the 1 in 25 who gets out before you really get hurt... or you will.

Damn it, I'm going to get Brooke.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:50 pm
OCCOM BILL wrote:

Damn it, I'm going to get Brooke.


My thoughts exactly.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:50 pm
stuh505 wrote:
violence is still violence and it is serious...and it certainly was NOT your fault...but I think that the emotional impacts of the violence are probably more serious than the physical


I agree completely in that this is the first instance and Charms was much more emotionally wounded than physically wounded. However, this might not be the case the next time.

Charms, I too think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband. Does he think his position in your relationship has changed now that you are married? It strikes me as strange that two people can have a positive relationship for seven years and then it disintigrates into a power play so soon after the 'I dos' are said. How has he acted around his cousin in the past when you've had debates or is this the first time you and the cousin have gone at it?

I'm hoping there's more to this from your husband's perspective but it sounds like he's taking the 'you had it coming' stand which, quite frankly, makes me very nervous. How are you going to act the next time you and your husband are together with the cousin? I think you both have some thinking to do about the direction of your marriage and come to an agreement about how the relationship is going to progress. You might, for his sake, agree to bite your tongue around your cousin if that's all this is about - I bite my tongue around my husband's family all the time, but I wouldn't accept being called names and being bruised by my husband under any circumstances.

oh, and if you still have a visible bruise you should take pictures - just in case. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Take care.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:52 pm
J_B wrote:

It strikes me as strange that two people can have a positive relationship for seven years and then it disintigrates into a power play so soon after the 'I dos' are said.


There is some weird shift in power with abusers when they get married. Suddenly, the women is their property. I don't find this strange at all. It happens way too much.
0 Replies
 
Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 01:58 pm
independent woman
I guess you're not the strong, independent woman you thought you were.

He put you in your place. He verbally abused you. He called you an obscene name. He told you to sit down and shut up. He physically abused you. He bruised your arm -- and he doesn't want you to whine about the verbal and physical abuse because it was YOUR fault. You made him do it.

You better not EVER pretend to be a strong, independent woman again. If you don't keep your mouth shut, he'll be forced to put you in your place again -- if that's the place you want to be.

You know what? Your husband abused you. Why are you still there? Are you going to give him a second chance to abuse you again?
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