Cancelled the wedding 4 weeks beforehand!! Help!!

I've been in a similar situation, except there was physical abuse involved as well, on his part and he also had his nice side, which was usually when I was ready to leave. He would kiss up to me and make all those endless empty promises that kept me there for 5 long years, so I understand why you stayed this long, as much as I understand how much you need to get away from him.

You will be so very glad you did and I will be glad for you. Living with abuse is no life.


You've gotten some awesome advice here and I think we're all lucky to have eachother for these times and more.

Welcome to A2K and my very best to you :-D

Ok..you are getting there..good! Not taking his calls is the first step. You need help and support hourly at this point. You maybe suffering from the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

This relationship has been an ADDICTION, and a negative one. Keep your parents (and their advice) close at hand.

Whenever you feel the urge to call him for any reason....other than to address the business of separating the real estate, get help. His opinion and what he does in his day should not enter your mind and who was right, wrong..kind not kind,...let GO of. Same goes for anyone negative to you or too heavy-handed in your life. Right now you need support and plenty of it.

If you think he was nice to you, can you imagine how you will feel when you experience someone who is REALLY nice and loves you back equally? And not just when they want something?

Self-doubt is part of the programming of a victim..tweaked by an abuser...it's their tool to manipulate you. Think of this as a sobering up and the further you are away from this intoxication, the clearer your head will get. After awhile, you'll be amazed at the clarity, providing you give yourself the chance to get over this.

Think of your future life..and life without him. Don't be sad...because you will be gaining your wholeness back.

Your assigmnent here is to read about relationship and about abuse. Reread all of the other replies again, too.

I'm rambling so I'll stop now.

Here's a good link for you:

http://www.divinecaroline.com/browse/body-and-soul/emotional_well_being/abuse/?CMP=KNC-DC_GAW_7&gclid=CLzw2qvHpY0CFRoRgQodehXXsg

In particular, "Insights into Bullying"
http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22190/31930

"If only the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," were true. In reality, being judged harshly, being teased unmercifully, being made fun of for how we look or for who we are?-being bullied?-may break our spirit and cause deep and lasting scars."

I also have something to add. I have not read all the posts, but I have read some. You said he bragged to you about how many women he has been with after you two broke up and got back together, right? That sounds like a very insecure man. Does he really think you wanted to hear all that? Is he trying to tell you he is so great he can have anyone or what? I agree with everyone else, get out if he is controlling. My ma stayed with a controlling man for 22 years. At first it was subtle. It went from" It should be done this way" to "You ******* W***e do it this way". She got blamed for everything. Us kids didn't escape his wrath either. It was bad. He never hit her, or us, but he might as well have. Words hurt so much more. There are many men out there who will be happy to love you, care for you, and treat you as an equal partner. Your partner should be your friend. If he makes you feel bad about yourself, than that is not love.

Thanks ricksang you're right.

Throughout the whole relationship he's tried to prove to me why he's such a good catch. At the moment I just seem to have this huge feeling of loss. He made me feel like he was taking me away from everything and making a better life for me, money, house etc. That's what I can't seem to get over now. He criticised everything in my former life and belittled it. Now I have come back to it I feel terrible. How do I get over this.

Helen - Last night I watched a show about how winning the lottery had screwed up people's lives. They had more money than they ever thought they'd have, and yet it ruined relationships and made their lives miserable - and in the end it wasn't money that made them happy.
You may have had more stuff being with him, but look at how miserable he made you feel! If you're not treated right, and don't feel good about yourself or the person you're with, then the money and houses aren't worth it.
You may have less for the time being, but you've got your dignity and sooner or later you'll feel some inner peace.

Obviously, his money, position and comforts are all he could offer you. That is never enough. You can do without the comforts, as long as you have love and fidelity.

One does hot have to prove that he is a "good catch". When someone is a good catch, the spouse knows it, without the partner drumming the idea into her. He sounds very insecure.

Right now, even though you are well rid of him, there are reasons for your feeling of loss. You were in a supposedly permanent relationship, "set", so to speak. Now you need to reinvent yourself. You need time to regroup, figure out how you want to spend the rest of your life, and take steps to attain that goal. You can do it, girl!

Helen--

Believe and love reinforce each other.

You loved Mr. Critical and you worked on believing his opinions, even when they built him up and tore you down.

I just checked "Wildlife in Borneo" and evidently Borneo is home to a variety of blood-sucking leeches. Your emotional leech should feel right at home.

Meanwhile, remember while the material goodies were very nice material goodies, Mr. Critical bestowed them upon you because he chose to be generous--and to keep you humble and dependent. Once you get your balance back, you can start working on your own wish list.

Untangling your heart is difficult, but not impossible.

And there is nothing like knowing you have accomplished and received things on your own. It sounds to me like he is trying to emotionally crippling you. Don't let him do that.

Him saying that you have "a black heart" .... and you probably have heard many more similar *fleeting* remarks - attacks at your very core and self-esteem... That is a terribly wrong way of treating a person.

Yet.... the fact that you have known the man for 13 years (since 1994) and in the separating years cold not forget him... Gosh, it's awfully easy for us outsiders to say "leave him, run". You have nagging doubts about which way to go - it could be worth tearing your heart away as people here have suggested. It also could be that we don't know the bulk of your relationship, except for the very bad events.

Why do you love him?

I keep thinking:

Wow, she's found my ex!

Believe me, I have been there, and now looking back, I have no idea how I could have been so stupid!

I came to a point, where I simply had had enough!
I broke off everything, found a new job, flew back to Germany and started a new life.

Today, nearly ten years later, I am happily married with a one year old baby, have a well-paying job, friends and hobbies, and never look back!

I'm sorry, I couldn't even finish the whole post. I feel horrible for you. That moment many will describe to you when at some time ou look back and feel good about this happening then as opposed to the alternative. that moment, I hope you don't have to wait long. I'm so sorry.

T
K

(((((to all of you who have helped)))))


You've helped a lot and I'm much stronger than I was.

Helen--

I'm glad to hear that you're getting your own Point of View back.

You're a strong and sensible woman.

Hold your dominion.

Helen, it'll just keep getting better. I wish you the very best :-D

Hi all again

I'm needing a bit of advice here, I'm so not sure what to do. You all can see from my previous posts about my problems. Things have been moving on in my life more since last year and I've not had any contact with my ex only over the phone. Sometimes though I just think I'm going crazy. I still have moments where I blame myself but I've been told that is normal from the kind of relationship I was in and I'm moving on.

Anyhow I've been chatting with a male friend I used to know from school. We were close sometimes parties etc. He has since told me that I was his first love and had a lot of feelings for me. I thought he did but didn't know it was to that extent. Wish I'd appreciated it more when I was younger, I was a bit fickle and didn't always treat him right. He's been so full on sending me texts, phoning me and emails, since we got in contact again. He said he knew how he felt and wanted to leave his ex. Anyway nig change I came back to my old hometown to meet up with him for a night out and he told me his ex wants him back and he's confused. They have a house together and she has a kid with someone else. I felt so disappointed. He'd been talking about her buying him out previously. That night we ended up kissing etc, but I drew the line at it going too far. It was so such a big step too kissing someone else etc.

I really enjoyed the time with him and I felt we connected in so many ways. He's been saying the same himself and much more. My problem is what should I do about all this. I suggested we have some space apart because I wanted him to make his own mind up. I was meant to be meeting up with him etc while i was on holiday in my parents hometown and I will be going back to where I live again soon. I find it all so frustrating. I so wanted to meet up with him again. He was helping me move on. That night he kept saying look I'll go back and tell my ex no, but the thing is I don't want him to make the decision like that. I want him to know what he wants. It's been early days too between us and do I really have that right to tell him to do that? Yet I'm also wondering well if I don't tell him how I feel he'll think well I'll go back to her anyway. I'm not sure I've told him enough of how I feel or if he even realises or maybe he does. I'm so terrible at this relationship game. He's said we can still be friends but have some space, he's confused where he fits into his ex's life and he's sorry for what he's caused.

So tell me what do I do? Just hang on? Not talk about any relationship stuff. I have a feeling he will go back to her because he's already been having a relationship with her, has a house etc.

Thanks for any advice!

Take it slowly and keep your options open.

This second guy, he's not sure of what he wants, so don't rush headlong into anything with him as that may prove disappointing. He needs to settle whatever needs to be settled with his own ex if he is to move on, and not just rush into another relationship.

Same with you.

It takes time to get over a relationship, particularly one where there was a serious commitment, e. g. you were engaged, he has a house, etc. It's not a switch that turns on and off. You, I suspect, have more or less moved on, but this second guy still has a foot in his old relationship. So stay away until he's clear of it -- because it sounds to me like he really likes being in love, and if he can't be in love with her, he'll be in love with you. I'm sorry if that sounds heartless, but it really does smack of a rebound.

Now, as for you -- get out there! Do things! Fun things. Responsible things. Fast things. Slow things. Sports things. Intellectual things. Travel. Learn to cook. Visit the park. Take up skiing. Go to local concerts. Shop in a new grocery. Etc. etc. What I'm saying is, shake things up in your life, and fill up your life. You may meet someone else. You might not. But you will have a lot going on, things going on that aren't love and relationship, so that you can define yourself in different ways and not just use men as a yardstick. Busy, fun, active people are fun to be around. They attract people -- male people, female people, young people, old people. Single me and those who know single men. You'll get other prospects, and will be able to see if you want to hang around until the second guy's got his act in gear. Or maybe there will be a third guy. Or maybe you'll just have fun on your own for a while.

Being alone does not have to equal loneliness. Go and have fun out there.

Hi Jespah,
Thanks for your reply. I so see what you are saying. At first I was upset when I heard the big turnaround with him. Now I'm thinking like you say, get out there and enjoy myself, forget about it. Might meet someone else. I'm so working on getting more friends etc. Feeling a lot better confidence wise since my split with ex. It just felt so nice to be wanted for a short while. I did wonder if being friends with him would rekindle things. Does seem odd the way he changes his mind like that though. Am gonna seriously back off. It's funny because since my split with ex I've felt less lonely than when I was with him. I've already opened doors with old friends. Just hope the friendship circle keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Helen--

Is this guy's "Ex" really an "ex"? Is he still living in the house in which they share ownership?

Perhaps he was using you as an option for exploring the Single Life without really being alone and breaking all ties with the Ex.

I'd guess that he's confused because he really didn't take a good look at the implications of his behavior until his emotions were deeply involved.

You are absolutely right about giving him time and space and full responsibility for the decisions he has to make.[/u] He thinks he's choosing between women--he's not. He has lifestyle choices.

As you've noticed, you have your own lifestyle choices--enjoy them.

Good point Noddy I have been wondering if his ex really his ex or not. Well you do don't you, you kind of question things. To be wary. Had crossed my mind. Yes they have a house together and still live there together. He says they drifted apart and they are just civil at the moment nothing more, but big turn around in her asking him back the other day. Wondered if he had tried to make her jealous through me and told her about me or something. Just disappointed because I was all set for starting something with him. Oh well! There's plenty more fish in the sea as they say! And I am enjoying my new life!

helen may I suggest you look up "glutton for punishment"?