Cancelled the wedding 4 weeks beforehand!! Help!!

The more you say about your relationship, the worse it sounds...

There are weird manipultive people out there. He sounds like one. You need to cut off all contact with him in my opinion. The two of you are very bad for each other. You're bringing out the worst in each other.

Get rid of him 100%, don't play any of his games anymore. Concentrate on yourself and getting happy and mentally straight.

Someday, after figuring out why you tolerated this for so long and you've moved on and are happier, you will find someone who will be your partner, your equal.

Is the house in your name only?

No kidding.

I was trying to read between the lines at first -- it was just a bit extreme and a bit self-serving and I wanted to allow for the possibility that she was stacking the deck to get sympathy. At this point I think she should get the hell out, period. Either it's all true, or she really wants to get out and is making sure that she gets that advice from us, too.

Helen--

You're making progress. You're coming out of humiliation into practical common sense. Good for you!

I'm betting that the more level headed you become, the more irrational your ex-fiance will be.

Stay strong.

If this guy is the Man of Your Dreams I think you should stop eating whatever it is you eat before bed; you're having nightmares!

Seriously....I read a wise saying the other day: No man is worth crying over, and the one that is won't make you cry. [/size]

Well, I agree heartily with all the responding posters so far.

This has been a bad scene for you. I can understand that some of his behavior is cultural and class based, but the scenario seems much more than that to me.

I presume as you think on and act on getting out of this that you'll have washes of thinking it could all be fixed, mixed up with desperation about all your time wasted, the love being to no avail, and so on.

We all have those strong pulls when we have been so invested in having a relationship work. Don't succumb, this is not a good scene. You need badly to extract yourself and regain your sense of yourself.

On the finances, you need some good advice. You sold your house to join him? Probably comingled funds...
Others will be smarter at advising you whom to check with on all that than I would be - I just know you should strongly consider getting professional advice.

Once this is over, don't just dive into the next thing. Have some fun, travel, take some courses for your own enjoyment, explore who you are as you have grown up; enjoy your own opinions, enjoying being who you are.

Thanks for your continuing responses to my problems. I've been reading them all and it gives me confidence.

You're right ossobuco I am having ups and downs about the situation and thinking that it can be fixed, but then I remember how he hurt me so much cancelling the wedding and the stupid way he treats me. I was going to go through with it..........

Things keep going round and round in my head and I think it's all still a shock, it happened so quickly. I keep thinking about the nice times we have holidays etc, but I just get so frustrated with his behaviour. He said to me he wanted to see a councillor regarding our relationship. When I try to tell him what he is doing to irritate me he says my issues are on a much lower scale than the ones he has with me. He complains that I keep flipping out at him and raising my voice, but that is because I feel he gets his own way with everything and his business comes first. Criticizing me for the way I behave or what I do. He says the business is for both of us and that is why we have a nice house and no matter what he does it is never right either. I can't win. He kind of persuades me as to why life is better with him and what luxuries he can give me compared to my life before and admittedly he does, nice holidays we enjoy, meals out etc etc. Due to his business things like that are easier I just can't take the bossy/controlling behaviour inbetween. The criticism to make me feel like I'm a cheap northerner. He must think the money gives him the right. That's all I can see.

Apparently he loves me more than anyone and no-one understands him like me. Then why call the wedding off, it feels also like another manipulation. I was putting up with his behaviours and I suppose fighting them too and that is why I flipped in the end, but I don't know how to stop them and he just won't listen to me.

I keep thinking of things that have occurred lately to convince myself of how bad it can get at times as Iamb feeling weak. I have to start my life all over again, new job etc and live back with my parents in the meantime until I sort my head out.

I also think he may go on the honeymoon either on his own or with his brother. I'm not sure how I'd feel about him going with his brother after what happened in the first place. I can't even go anywhere with my passport because it's under my would be married surname. Jeez has he messed me about with all the preparation!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it was a lucky escape, but do you really think it warranted cancelling with what I did. He's making me feel guilty.

He also says I am over sensitive to other people's comments. Like the honeymoon thing. I admit I've let things wind me up lately and said I would try to stop. He is the sort of person who will just ignore them and won't let them bother him, maybe men deal with these things better. Due to this he says I have a black heart because I'm always complaining about people what they have said and done. I admit I'm no angel either.

Yet on the other hand I see how he complains about my family and northerners etc. So why can he say things and I can't. In his eyes he thinks I've pushed him too far.

One night recently I said goodnight to him, went to bed and clicked the TV on briefly just to check something that was on, then went to sleep. Very shortly after he shouted my name in a bad mood. I didn't have a clue why. Then an hour later after I'd been sleeping he came into the bedroom telling me I was in trouble and I hadn't said goodnight to him before I went to bed. I explained I had and then he said I'd put the TV on so I should have said goodnight again or ie not put it on at all after going upstairs and gone straight to sleep. I felt so irritable after he woke me up to tell me this and he was crouched by the side of my bed saying I was in trouble. We argued terribly about this because I didn't want to back down. I asked him what gave him the right to think he could do this. I think he jumps to conclusions and thinks I don't want to spend time with him and watch TV downstairs. I explained I'd only had it on a few minutes.

Now fast forward into the future:

He storms into your son's or daughter's room, flips on the light and screams at them, waking them up to tell them they've done something wrong. Maybe they left a light on, or didn't put away their shoes in the proper spot. He will treat his children the way that he treats you -- maybe worse as he'll have much more control over them. I'm not saying it's all his fault and you're an angel. Just, clearly in your relationship he's a beast and you are at least an enabler, at worst a passive-aggressive resister. Not a good fit for a lifelong relationship. Not a happy one, anyway.

I know you know this. It just seems like you are needing reinforcement right now so I'm giving it to you.

I agree with all the others. Run, run like the wind!

He woke you up to tell you you were in trouble because you didn't say good night

Good luck to you and your soon to be new future.

Thanks Freeduck and Montana, you are so right.

In fact Freeduck you mentioning about children reminded me of what he says about his own father as he was growing up.

I wonder if a pattern is emerging here.

At some point, you will need to take strong action and then will stop going over this in your mind...if you want to be happy in life. Any and all criticism he submits you too is tainted by his lack of good judgement. Block out these criticisms the best that you can. You seem to take them to heart and question your own motives and decision-making. Stop being his victim. He has paralyzed you ... but it's temporary.

This man clearly has no clue how to be your loving partner ... or anyone's partner. He is a selfish controlling lout! He will not be happy and you will not make each other happy. Your strong reactions are in defense to his abuse.

Please...Understand and learn what an abuser is and abusive relationships are about so you can avoid them in your life. It can save your happiness and maybe even your life. This is not meant to over-dramatize. Remove this man and all the connections (house etc.) from your life ASAP.

helen - Please get away from him as soon as you can, or I fear that one day in the future we'll be reading about him being arrested for your murder. I'm not joking.
This guy is a controlling nutcase.

A few years ago there was a Julia Roberts movie called "Sleeping with the Enemy." As I read your posts, I just keep thinking of that movie.

agreed..totally with happycat.

and you said "I wonder if a pattern is emerging here. "

You wonder now? The pattern probably has been there all along. The pain you are experiencing is from ignoring it for so long.

Please inform us about the steps you are taking to stop this madness.

Helen--




So he'll cut everyone in the world--except you--some slack?

Are there any large, carnivorous animals in Borneo? If so, encourage him to make the trip without you.

As for your question, was he "right" to cancel the wedding? In his eyes, he's always "right". Your physical attack pushed him over the edge and he wanted to punish you more severely than he ever has before. Do you think of yourself as a perpetually naughty child to be perpetually punished?

As far as your furture happiness goes, cancelling that wedding was absolutely "right".

Of course he needs you. He needs someone to blame for anything that goes wrong--and you were the lucky girl!

He is going on the honeymoon trip without you? how pleasant. Is he bringing a date?

Doesn't this piss you off?

I don't think you should be wondering about whether he's taking the honeymoon trip... or if you are wrong and he's right...

Move on! He's bad news. The more you tell us, the more it's evident that you not marrying the creep is the best possible thing! Be glad he called it off!

Concentrate on your next steps in your own life and stop pondering if you are doing the right thing!

Get a new passport, and move on!

Who cares who he takes to wherever! Be glad it won't be you!
Don't willingly take on guilt that someone else pushes on you!

I don't think I ever used so many exclamation points in a post!

(I'd also advise you to reread this thread every few days, carefully, to what you've written and what the responses have been)

Hi Ragman

It does piss me off big time. He hasn't said that he is going on the honeymoon, but my parents have suggested it to me that he might as they wouldn't put it past him. We'll see.

Steps so far have been to ignore his recent phonecall today since all this happened. Being apart from him, but have house to sort out yet. I'm trying to get my strength from this forum I suppose.

Honestly I have made my mind up to leave but keep feeling self doubt. It's hard because he could be nice too or I wouldn't have stayed so long.

Noddy cutting everyone else slack is exactly what I said too.

You slay me.

It usually does.