Divorce - Does It Have to Be Bad?

Separation and divorce don't have to be ugly, but no matter how much you think it won't, it will still eventually get to you and manifest in some way.

This is all I'll say on the subject, because I can already see that it's bothering Bi-Polar Bear that we're all party to something private and personal. It's only natural on his part, since most people tend to take the woman's side....NOT that it's justified or wanted in this case. It's just human nature.

I wish both of you and your families the very best and I hope everyone can keep their wits about them in the coming times of stress.

B-b-b-ut I don't think pointing out that the question is simple or general is taking Squinney's side; just pointing out that valid complaints about airing personal stuff doesn't necessarily even apply here. (The basic fact had already been said and confirmed but the "gosh really?" stuff was taking over an unrelated thread and I think it was thoughtful of Squinney to squelch that by saying "Yes, it's true, now moving on to this general question...")

I do think the original question is interesting, and was even thinking of starting a new version somewhere so it could be about the question and not about the context.

Divorce is what the two people make of it.

It can be ugly. It can be sane. It can be hurtful. It can be refreshing.

It all depends on the two people. For some people, it's the best thing that ever happened to their relationship (i know some people who are good friends after a divorce). For others, they just use it as an excuse to hate and berate the other person.

soz- Of course there is some acrimony. We are talking about loss, and the failure of a relationship. The point is, one can either choose to wallow in their anger, or decide to move on, and make the breakup as amicable as possible.

Another thing. No matter how difficult the breakup, there are always conflicting emotions. A divorce is the unjoining of two people who once loved each other. Some of those feelings, to one extent or another, are still there. So in order to deal with the dissonance, often the couple demonizes one another. It is a lot easier to handle, "He/she is a son of a bitch" than to think, "I loved him/her, and the marriage failed".

What happens is that one or another in the couple attempt to place blame on the other for the failure of the marriage. In truth, a breakup is never (I usually don't like to make sweeping statements, but in this case, I will)
the fault of just one of the couple. Sometimes there is no fault at all, but simply a parting of the ways.

If there are no children, divorce is much easier. Get a good lawyer, let him have the headaches, and sign on the dotted line. You never have to ever see your spouse again. With children, there is a completely different scenario, and their emotional well being needs to be paramount.

Re: Divorce - Does It Have to Be Bad?

I don't think so -- you just haven't sent attack lawyers upon each other yet, and I wish you both that you never will. And no, I don't think divorce is supposed to be bad.

Finally, for what it's worth, I don't think it was distasteful to ask this particular question on an open forum. But this may have to do with my insane, unrealistic, and unshakeable optimism that a community of grown-ups can keep a thread on topic if the initiator wants it. I can think of fairly straightforward tangents that would take the conversation into problematic territory. But nothing I have seen Squinney write has led me to believe she wants to get into this territory.

I don't think it has to be bad. If we offer sympathy, maybe it's more for ourselves for having to get used to the two of you not being together. It's the end of something, and I guess that (to me) means mourning. But endings bring new beginnings, which is exciting and, knowing the two of you, very positive.

I don't want to pry into your personal relationship, I just want to offer support to you both and hope you stay great friends and great parents together. That's all.

For Bear, I think maybe it's hard to accept that kind of support? And I understand that too.

okay girls.... one two three.....

I'm still friends with all my exs, except for one, but he's dead now so he doesn't count anymore.

It breaks my heart to see you two split, but at the same time, it's refreshing to see how civil you both are.

I sincerely wish you both the very best in life because I lova ya, man.


(((((((((Squinney & Bear)))))))))))

Liberated women are birds of a feather.

I'd say you made the right choice.

It's quite funny that divorces turn out quite often to be very ugly ... when lawyers are involved as Thomas noted before or when "good friiends" give "god advice".

When I got divorced ages back, it was a hard work to hold others back, friends and our lawyers.

It's not easy, but divorces mustn't be ugly at all.

I also got divorced ages ago. The best advice I received was never to say anything bad to the children about their mother. It enhanced my relationship with my children. If the children complained about a restriction on them made by my ex-wife, I told them they must obey their mother.

While all this harmony may be nice for Squinney and Bear, what about us? I, for one, feel deprived of my money's worth in entertainment value. I hereby suggest to Bear to "hold your dominion". Noddy can then say the same to Squinney. Maybe with a with a bit of luck, that'll get us a good fight to watch.

<Off to make popcorn>

take your time.....

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am unlocking this topic. However, if there are further incidents, it will be relocked, and for longer. Just like any other topic.

However, unlike other topics, emotions are obviously running extremely high. This is just the nature of this particular beast. The separation and divorce of a long-time couple also inevitably affects the people around them. That's just the way it is.

On a personal note, I really, really did not want to post on this topic. It's not that I don't care about BPB and squinney (and their family) but it hit me that suddenly, apart from blatham and Lola -- who aren't around much -- suddenly I'm in what I think may be the only marriage of two regular A2Kers. And that's just, well, weird-feeling. But I did not and do not want this to be anything about me. It is about the two of them. And they are in a transition. I guess that's the best way of putting it. But it's a transition that's fraught with meaning and everything is heavily laden with symbolism. It's frightfully easy to see how neutral remarks could be taken as anything but neutral. Or even if they were intended to be neutral. I'm not getting into that, thank you very much.

So in conclusion, I ask all of you to be kind and in particular for this topic, to think before you click submit. Hell, read your proposed answer out loud if you have to, to see if it's got the potential to be even tangentially hurtful or create discomfort.

Does this mean that suddenly A2K has been overtaken by an invasion of the Nice Police? Not at all. Continue to sling the usual hash in Politics and Religion and elsewhere and, if it's within the TOS, it'll be perfectly fine. What I am asking you -- and they did not ask me to do this, so pin it on me if you feel you absolutely must blame someone -- is to be considerate of your two old friends going through this transition. SealPoet once said, "First, write no harm." Words to live by.

Thank you.

Well said jespah.

I completely agree with Jes.

I have learned something interesting, based on my own personal life experiences. When a person is going through a divorce, in most cases, friends and acquaintances with happy marriages are usually very supportive. It is those with shaky unions who tend to be the most critical.

Think about it. If you are happy, you are glad that the divorcing person is straightening out his/her own life. If you are unhappy in YOUR marriage, the other person's impending divorce brings up some very frightening conflicts in your mind.

The question by squinney - if a divorce must be bad - can be discussed without focussing on actual news and certainly without personal insults against people on this thread (or elsewhere).


Thanks, jes.

Thank you, jespah, for your well-thought-out remarks.

Many A2K veterans are understandably concerned about the actual people involved. Some of us have been divorced "ages ago" and may have a "softened by time" perspective on the topic itself.

You mean to tell me Gustav and Roxx aren't married? Talk about a buzz kill!