Kids spitting in your face - ethics of upbringing

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My girlfriend has just started her summer job working as an au pair in France
looking after two little kids. Today is her day number two. She sent me a message saying that the little boy (about 4 years old) spit in her face. She
slapped him over his face making him cry like hell. Now she hopes he wont' report. I wrote her that if the parents expect her to let the kids beat her or something similar then she should pack up and wait for me and i will pick her up and drive her home.

This brings up a rather sensitive issue of bringing up kids in the traditional democracy like France or UK or USA and the way we do in in our
post-communist countries - basically sticking to the same traditions that date back to prehistoric times - we do slap our kids when they disobey.

Do you think an au pair should let the kids torture her?

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No, i don't, and i think that if the parents are not going to back her up, she should go elsewhere. However, it might defuse the situation somewhat if she were to "report" the incident first, herself, and explain that she cannot do her job effectively if the kids are going to be allowed to behave in such a manner.

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Quote:

Do you think an au pair should let the kids torture her?

Absolutely not. I also think that it was extremely unprofessional for her to slap the child. If I were the mother, I would fire her.

IMO, she should have given the child a stern verbal rebuke. She then should have reported the incident to the parents. It was the parent's place to punish the child. If the parents were not cooperative with the au pair, it would be time for her to quit and find another job.

I would say that the only time that it would be appropriate for an au pair to strike a child is the child was in danger...........................running in front of a truck, playing with the gas stove, etc. In that case, a quick slap on the butt would get the child's attention. It is never appropriate to slap a child in the face.

Any other type of physical discipline is up to the parents.

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Re: Kids spitting in your face - ethics of upbringing

stach wrote:

She slapped him over his face making him cry like hell.

that was stupid of her

tell her there's no place for her in Canada either

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I agree with Phoenix and ehBeth. Four year olds are four year olds and adults are in charge. Physical brutality is not necessary.

Your au pair friend knows this--otherwise she wouldn't worry about being "reported".

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I'd fire her in a New York minute.

Here we have a four year old getting used to a new caretaker v. a "professional" adult responsible for the child's care.

And NOW she's wanting the child to keep secrets from the parents?

She is in the wrong line of work.

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I say kick the little bastard's ass.

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I would fire the au pair, mainly because I think her behavior was impulsive and rash and showed evidence of a bad temper and lack of judgment- maybe she's not cut out to work with children.

Although I have to say, if she had swatted him on the butt instead of slapping his face, I probably wouldn't have had a problem with it- because that's what I probably would have done myself-to my own child- never to anyone else's -if he or she ever had the rude temerity to spit in someone's face.
In fact if he came and told me, "She hit me," and I asked him why and he told me it was because he'd spat in an adult's face, I'd have to pretty much tell him- "Actions have consequences, buddy- maybe she shouldn't have slapped you, but let's think this through- should you have spat in her face first?
That's rude, disgusting and disrespectful behavior on YOUR part- toward anyone- but especially toward an adult".

Stach- I'm from the US, and I do believe that every once in a while, a good swat on the butt is called for. I don't consider it abuse.

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Well I call it abuse! If you don't have any other means to punish someone
else's children, then you've no business working with children.

I would not slap a child (not even mine), nor would I allow anyone else
doing it.

Aiden, what you do with your children is your prerogative,
but don't assume your practice of punishment is acceptable to other parents,
and I am from Europe, the old country where corporal punishment is not that
uncommon (unfortunately).

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I would have restrained the child as necessary, and when things quieted down a bit a swat on the butt would have ended the confrontation. In effect put paid to whatever differences that we (the child and I) had in common.

I would hope that the au pair also learned something Exclamation

Of course it must be mentioned that my kids are now around forty. It also must be admitted that one time one child made me very angry. I still am a bit ashamed of that. I suspect that in the grand scheme of things he benefited much more than I Crying or Very sad

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So nobody agrees with me that the little bastard deserved a good ass-kickin'? Surprising.

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CJ-I didn't assume anything. I only said what I thought and would do. You can do whatever you want- and you can call what I do anything you want- except I will tell you that anyone who knows me and my children would laugh if you tried to tell them I abused my children.

I just don't allow my children to abuse anyone else. (And by the way, I've never had to hit my children for spitting at or even hitting another child or adult-- because they've never done anything so blatantly disrespectful to another person--neither one of them are that type of personality).

I've only ever swatted my children on the butt when they deliberately disobeyed me and put their own safety into question, but if I'm being honest, I know that if I saw my child spit in another person's face, my instinct would take over- and I'd swat them on the butt- and I wouldn't feel bad about it either.
But don't worry- I never have and never would lay a finger on your child or anyone elses though I've run into quite a few ill-behaved little brats in my 35 years of experience dealing with other peoples' children on a daily basis.

Kicky- not an ass kicking- maybe not even an ass whupping. But let's just say, if those parents take the kid's side without addressing the kid's behavior- there's just one more monster under construction for all the rest of us to have to deal with.

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amen, aidan.

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I agree with everybody else!
I hope your friend will not be allowed to stay with the poor children!

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Besides that I think, an au-pair should know - especially at her second day - the age of the children and not jus "about", I don't think someone is qualified to deal with children when acting in such a way.

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Re: Kids spitting in your face - ethics of upbringing

stach wrote:

My girlfriend has just started her summer job working as an au pair in France
looking after two little kids. Today is her day number two. She sent me a message saying that the little boy (about 4 years old) spit in her face. She
slapped him over his face making him cry like hell. Now she hopes he wont' report. I wrote her that if the parents expect her to let the kids beat her or something similar then she should pack up and wait for me and i will pick her up and drive her home.

This brings up a rather sensitive issue of bringing up kids in the traditional democracy like France or UK or USA and the way we do in in our
post-communist countries - basically sticking to the same traditions that date back to prehistoric times - we do slap our kids when they disobey.

Do you think an au pair should let the kids torture her?

You speak as though the options were either

1. To let the children be very rude (torture is an over-dramatisation) to her

OR

2. That she should feel free to hurt the child.

Neither option is ok, and it is perfectly possible to address bad behaviour by children without resorting to worse behaviour.

Your friend ought not to be working with children if she has no idea about how to manage them, except by hitting.

That being said, the spitting was appalling behaviour, and I am wondering if these children have been taught basic behavioural guidelines.

Your friend may need to do some fast learning about acceptable behavioural management of children, and perhaps find another job.

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Re: Kids spitting in your face - ethics of upbringing

dlowan wrote:

stach wrote:
My girlfriend has just started her summer job working as an au pair in France
looking after two little kids. Today is her day number two. She sent me a message saying that the little boy (about 4 years old) spit in her face. She
slapped him over his face making him cry like hell. Now she hopes he wont' report. I wrote her that if the parents expect her to let the kids beat her or something similar then she should pack up and wait for me and i will pick her up and drive her home.

This brings up a rather sensitive issue of bringing up kids in the traditional democracy like France or UK or USA and the way we do in in our
post-communist countries - basically sticking to the same traditions that date back to prehistoric times - we do slap our kids when they disobey.

Do you think an au pair should let the kids torture her?

You speak as though the options were either

1. To let the children be very rude (torture is an over-dramatisation) to her

OR

2. That she should feel free to hurt the child.

Neither option is ok, and it is perfectly possible to address bad behaviour by children without resorting to worse behaviour.

Your friend ought not to be working with children if she has no idea about how to manage them, except by hitting.

That being said, the spitting was appalling behaviour, and I am wondering if these children have been taught basic behavioural guidelines.

Your friend may need to do some fast learning about acceptable behavioural management of children, and perhaps find another job.

I agree.

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she should have spit back into the kids face, that way he learns to do unto others as he wishes unto himself or something.

then again i abhor children. gg.

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Walter Hinteler wrote:

Besides that I think, an au-pair should know - especially at her second day - the age of the children and not jus "about", I don't think someone is qualified to deal with children when acting in such a way.

she knows his age, it is me who doesn't remember how old they are

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Thank you guys.

I wanted to support my gf so I told her that I understand her reaction but next time I would lightly hit the kid on his butt.

She said it was her immediate reaction, not something she would decide to do. It was her hand slapping the kid before she could decide what to do.

My girlfriend is a wonderful person. She had gone through hell in her childhood - losing her beloved father when she was eight. She is very sensitive and caring toward others. SHe has worked as an ocassional au pair in a family of a friend of mine, where she has looked after three kids and the parents have had no problems with her, on the contrary, they are very glad that they found such a great au pair and the kids love her.
My girlfriend has never ever been agressive toward me or anyone - but she is not a passive, weak victim of others either. I think the spitting was a shock for her - something that an au pair in th Czech Republic will come across only in the worst kind of troubled families. So I understand her reaction. She is not going to be fired - either because the kid will not complain or because the grandparents that are now temporarily in charge of the kids seem to be themselves in difficult situation - the grandmother cries a lot cuz she is tired and can't handle the kids so they need an au pair and looking for a new one would be tremendous complication of already difficult situation.

I am sure my gf will be excellent during the summer and the kids will begin to like her. They - both my gf and the kids just have to find a realistic way how to deal with each other -they came from different cultures and she doesn't even speak perfect or kids' French.

Thank you for your ideas and experience.

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Kids spitting in your face - ethics of upbringing

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