Hello again. I mentioned that I would update this thread in about two weeks, for anyone who is interested.
We have not gotten back together, nor do I believe that will happen this time. He has flip-flopped several times. He is still seeing his mistress, although he has decided not to move in with her, much to her chagrin. He has found an apartment near work and taken a 6 month lease. I actually encouraged him to do this, because I really feel like he needs to stop using others, either me or her, as a crutch and figure out what in the HECK he really wants to do with his life.
I fear she will not allow him to learn the lessons he needs to learn in an apartment
.like how to be on his own. I fear that she will pester him so much that the whole apartment will just be wasted $$$ down the drain, and he'll spend most of his time over there anyway. She really has his mind so twisted he can't think straight, although I do applaud his decision not to move in with her.
I've been looking back at my life with him and I wonder how I could have loved him so much. I see things in the past that I didn't want to see then. He now tells me that there was an infidelity 3 years ago (the first in our 20 year marriage) that he never told me about. And 10 years before that, he had a spot of trouble with the law for computer fraud, which he insisted he was innocent (and now, when I ask him if he really was, says "Why don't we just forget about that?) I believed him wholeheartedly at the time. Gosh, what a fool believes, he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away
.(yeah, I'm old enough to know that song, LOL!)
I'm incredibly sad and depressed at times, I have to admit. Some days if it weren't for my sons, I don't think I would come out of my room. I go out to play games with them and watch tv with them, but I really am not up to the pretense some days. And I just went to the doctor yesterday and was told I needed more surgery
..a great time for this to be happening. My husband is the one with the health insurance, and if he gets a divorce it will be immediately cancelled on me. I'm worried about that. On top of that, I'm on antibiotics for pneumonia, so I guess you can see I've had a great two weeks!
However, on a bright note, I will be going back to work in the fall at a local school. The kids are managing
but of course they are still upset. My youngest doesn't seem as upset or angry as he was last time, though. He said to me "Mom, is episode three of ?'Liar Liar' going to play next year?" At first I didn't know what he meant, but then he said he was referring to his dad. He said that since episode one was last year and episode two was this year, he hoped that I wouldn't take him back, just to get an installment of episode three next year. That was really, really sad
..but his dad has killed his trust. He still goes out with his dad (which dad is still buying him stuff on weekends) but he doesn't seem to care if he never saw him again. He just takes the stuff, but it isn't buying his affection
..that that worries me. I fear that my son will become jaded. The older one doesn't usually go any more.
We are getting our finances in order, and I did get the financial arrangement notarized. But money will still be tight, at least until fall when I go to work. So we are going to be counting our pennies for the next couple months.
My husband has been having tremendous mood swings in the past month. He ranges from being tender and apologetic to being wildly accusatory, saying that he fears I'm going to trash all his stuff before he can pick it up. He also accused me of planning to never allow him to see the kids again (which since he has never once been denied access to them, nor have I ever even MENTIONED denying access in any way, was totally off the wall.) But, a week after his maniacal, angry accusations, he sends an email begging me to forgive him and at least be his friend, even if he doesn't deserve anything more than that. So, it's been a rollercoaster
..I caught him on the "good end" of that rollercoaster when I got him to notarize the financial agreement. I needed the protection from the document, never knowing if he will swing to the other side again and turn his back on us completely. So, I guess I'm better off than a lot of women in this situation.
Do I still love him? I honestly believe I am still in love with what I THOUGHT he was. I will love that man until the day I die. Either that man is dead now, or he is buried under a huge amount of mental illness that only time and a great deal of therapy can cure. I suppose if he were to beg me to help him get that mental help, I might be stupid enough to take him back (though I am not sure at all about that). The money he is spending on an apartment could be used for therapy. But he isn't
..he is still in "confused" mode. And the longer he is in confused mode, the more I feel like I am drifting away from him, and will be turning my sights to my own life and my own happiness. I'm at the point now where it would take something incredibly radical to believe that we have any chance at all to get back together. And knowing how much my husband has always loved the "easy button", I don't see him ever doing anything radical. He'll probably just offer a lame, "well, I'd like to come back and try...." That's no where near good enough.
She is not asking him for anything other than to BE WITH her
that's easy. That's what he will no doubt pick. I wish them both a lot of luck, knowing that they are doomed from the start, and to be honest, I usually feel lucky that I am out of their mess. The few times when I am still sad and crying are waning
..I will survive.
Much thanks to all who have posted and given me their insight on both sides of the issue. You have helped more than you know, both this year and last year. Bless you.
