20 year marriage down the drain

Well, he phoned and told me he "might have" made a big mistake. He apologized to me for how badly he has treated me, and asked me to see him and talk about our future. I told him that I wasn't ready to talk about it, and to contact me in 2 weeks to see if I'm ready by then. I wasn't sure I would be, but I definitely need at least a couple weeks without communicating with him in order to think it over.

Right now I just don't feel too sure about my feelings, and I think 2 more weeks will give me time to think about this some more. Besides, that will give him time to think about what he has done as well. Who knows? He may change his mind again by then, for all I know. I just don't want to deal with it right now. I also don't want the flip flopping, for the kids' sake. They definitely need stability right now.

Well, I'll probably be back in a couple weeks, to update the thread. In the meantime, thanks for all the wonderful advice. You guys are great.

FreedomElf--

He does like having both you and Brenda as audiences, doesn't he?

As far as he's concerned, this is all about him.

Good for you taking two weeks to think about your options and your kids' feelings.

<applause> Good for youu, freedomelf. Your chain shall remain unyanked.

Hi FreedomElf, thanks for the update.



Remember that there's a third option -- that the man you thought he was never really existed. It sounds more and more like that might be the case, unfortunately. The infidelity you didn't know about, the computer fraud, etc.

It sounds like you're doing a fabulous job of getting yourself on your feet -- congratulations on getting the teaching job! Hope that will provide insurance, and that your husband will provide enough child support to tide things over.

Best of luck...

Thanks! Yes, the job will provide insurance after my trial is over, but I will be having the surgery just as soon as the pneumonia is totally cleared up. I don't think my husband will be able to cancel the insurance that quickly. Hopefully, he won't try...but of course I always worry about how much influence she has on him. The insurance was not part of our signed agreement, so yes, he could technically cut me off from getting the cyst removed. (They don't believe it is cancerous, but the doctor insists on its removal anyway, so I think I'd better, for the peace of mind.)

His mistress has already expressed "shock" at our financial agreement, saying that she doesn't understand how he could be so generous, knowing the state doesn't require quite so much in payments, according to the published guidelines. He was upset with me, after talking to her, for "suckering him" into signing it, but just a few days later apologized to me for saying that, and reaffirming that he wants to do it for us, and that he cares for us and knows that we need it. Again...flip-flop.

Anyway, I appreciate the moral support and the kind words.

And for anyone else, I do appreciate UNkind words, too.....heck everything is helping me to learn and grow. I take what I can learn from and just let go of the rest. Thanks again.

By the way, lest anyone thinks that the financial arrangements were TOO generous to me......after all is said and done, I will have to cut out all unnecessary gas, reduce electric use by 20 percent, and cut our food bill down by 25 percent in order to survive the next few months. I can do that.

He, on the other hand, will still have approximately $500 in "blow money" each month after paying for his apartment and all needed expenses, without cutting back on ANYTHING he currently spends.

So, I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression. I didn't "take him to the cleaners" so to speak. I just got a little more than the published guidelines because we desperately needed it. I don't think I could have cut more than I did. After I am working for 6 months, and my trial is over, I've agreed to cut his payments to me.

Just FYI....I'm not being bad to the guy.

He isn't the only one on a roller-coaster, elf. At this point, he is who he is and you've done more than most to try to make things work. Keep your head up and your eyes on your needs and those of your sons.

Best wishes to you on your upcoming surgery and your current health issues. It isn't surprising that you feel like staying in bed all the time. You're sick for pete's sake. Go ahead and wallow if you feel like wallowing.

On a practical note -- I'm not so sure he could drop you from his insurance on a whim. Most insurance plans only allow coverage changes at the time of a life status change. Marriage, divorce, birth of a child, etc. I don't think getting an apartment of his own would qualify as a life status change. You could check with the benefits manager at his company to be sure, but I think you're ok until such time as there is an official divorce decree. AND, if there does come such a time that you are divorced, you can insist that he maintain insurance coverage for your children as part of the agreement.

FreedomElf--

Every life has some times when the only way to survive is to endure. I'm not surprised that your husband feels that the divorce is All About Him--after all, your marriage was All About Him.

Practical advice: If you can stomach it, praise his financial generosity at least once a week. Also, tell him that because he is an Honorable Man you know that he will "do the right thing" by his kids. Work his self-image for his advantage.

Worry about the Father/Son relationship if you need a little variety in your Worry Fodder, but remember all you can do is worry. The actual relationship between non-custodial Dad and his sons is up to them.

Of course you aren't being unfair about the financial arrangements or about alienating his sons' affections. He's blaming you because he doesn't want to admit that he's been unfair and dishonorable.

DO NOT rub his back. This is the Other Woman's problem now. Unfortunately she's getting the gravy and you're getting the dirty dishes.

Stress lowers the effectiveness of the immune system. Be prepared for at least three months of "summer" colds--and pamper yourself for every single one of them.

We're here.

Hold your dominion.

No advice.

But I really do admire you, Freedomelf. You have handled all this so well....

Hang in there, girlfriend.

It will get better. Try to stay busy.

What will get better? Hang in there for what or in which way, or hang loose and see? I'm not carping, just trying to figure out what different posters mean... (not that I'm never obscure!)

Life, in general will get better. Freedomelf is going though some depression, it sounds like to me. Quite understandable under the circumstances.

I'm seeing some posts as possibly or probably saying hang in re marriage.
My own instincts are to say, fly way. I can see anyone taking posts based on how they are thinking at this point.

That's certainly not what I'm saying. I think Freedomelf is starting to see the path she needs to take. Just offering her some encouragement.

Please, osso. By now you should know some of us better than that.

Right now FreedomElf has lots of paths opening. The number of possibilities is impressive--but also depressing.

The older you are, the more difficult it is to make seamless transitions.

I think I know you both, me, eoe and swimp, but does freedomelf or a new poster - just clarifying.

You do? I don't think anyone has been saying that since the latest updates, osso.