luckily everything is in both our names. joint checking account, joint credit cards etc. (or maybe unluckily in some ways....but I think it will be okay)
As far as being a father, he has come over three times in the past month. And he has called him twice. Nope....no where near enough time considering the fact that my son is in shock. But that's about all I can get from him, I'm sure. He is so dang confused and miserable himself he can't stick his head out of his armpit long enough to think about others.
He is coming Tuesday. He can't come this weekend because he is going to see his sick father out of town. But he will come when he gets back, or at least he said so. My son actually seems to not care whether he sees him or not. He seems really upbeat. But I sense a distance in him that makes me think he is in shock, and it worries me.
Do you have a friend you could stay with for a couple weeks, elf? Here's what I would do... tell Mr head-up-his-ass that his vacation from his personal responsibilities to his son are over beginning June 1st. You'll be staying elsewhere and he is to move back into your home and spend the next two weeks providing for the full needs of his son. This is in order to practice for the time when you begin working full time in order to support yourself and provide for half of the care for your son. In the meantime he should begin looking for suitable housing that will allow his son to live with him two weeks out of each month. That means that it will either need to be in the same school area as your current home or that he will need to provide daily transportation to and from school. Oh, and bringing your son into Brenda's apartment does not qualify as suitable housing.
In other words, stop enabling him and insist that he be a grownup.
I agree with most of your advice^^^, JPB, but I would not advise elf to leave her home. Possession is 9/10 of the law and all. He should get off his ass and get a real home so his son can go and stay with him for the two weeks.
yes, I can see what you are saying. I have to stop doing that.
He did come over last night and take the kids out for pizza, out of the blue. I didn't see him, I stayed in the back. The kids came home with a whole mess of game tickets. It's obvious that he paid for a WHOLE lot more game tokens than we ever allowed them to have. And the last time he was over he took them out to buy them presents. It looks to me as if he is going to turn into a money machine for them! It bothered me. Well, at least he isn't spending the money on her.
He did say he was going to look for an apartment. The draw is that Brenda's family has money, and has given her a house (it is horse property in a very nice area of town.)
So, he could actually have a much better time if he went to live with her than if he got his own apartment. And she is desperate to have him move back in, so frankly I"m surprised he hasn't by now.
To be honest, I don't want to go anywhere right now. My son has just had the rug pulled out from under him, so I'm not going to leave him, too, even if only for two weeks. But I do understand your point, and he does have to take more responsibility.
Freedomelf
Freedomelf, regardless of how your relationship with Dude ends up, it is important to think about the long term effects on your sons, especially your youngest. Its best if your son knows that his father loves him no matter what happens. Parents often take out their hurt feelings on their children and force them to take sides. That can cause life-long emotional problems for the children.
BBB
That is true, B. My mother did that with my father. In fact, when I was growing up, I saw all these photo albums with his face cut out of all the pictures. The first time I can remember seeing him, when I was very little, I was afraid of him because I didn't know who he was. He came over while the babysitter was there (knowing he could NEVER see me when my mom was there.) It was a shame.
I wound up having to wait until I was 28 to finally find my dad, and we had a beautiful last 8 years together before he died of cancer when I was 36. He was a good man.....yes, a troubled man when he was younger, and he at one time drank too much, but he was a very beautiful man in the end.
I would never, ever want to do that to my kids. I told my husband that I want very much for the kids to care about him....NOT for his sake, but for THEIRS. They cannot be twisted into bitter people, like my sister was by my mother. She hated my father till the day he died, and often "parroted" my mother's stories of cruelty, even though SHE had never witnessed them herself. They both hated me when I reconnected with my dad, and it took years before my mother forgave me for it (my sister, to this day, never has.) Kids need to be able to love without guilt or fear that one side is going to be angry. I won't allow my kids to become bitter people....they may get hurt more in life by being open to loving, and trusting people who may not deserve it, but AT LEAST they will be ABLE to love, and not shut themselves off to trusting and caring. That would be a far greater tragedy than simply getting hurt by someone.
Actually, that's why I prefer allowing the kids to stay in their own homes and have the parents alternate primary care until such time as everyone's living arrangements are satisfactory for the proper care of the kids. By allowing one parent to participate on an occasional basis sends the wrong message to the kids, IMO.
Mr elf is considering moving on with his life. That's all well and good as long as it provides for at least 50% of the cost, time, and energy involved in being the custodial parent. He'll be fully free to be single for half of his time, as would elf -- why does only one partner get to move on with their lives? And their son(s) would be raised equally by both parents.
Freedomelf wrote:lAs far as being a father, he has come over three times in the past month. And he has called him twice. Nope....no where near enough time considering the fact that my son is in shock. But that's about all I can get from him, I'm sure. He is so dang confused and miserable himself he can't stick his head out of his armpit long enough to think about others.
This would be a good indication for you that your husband is an egotistical selfish man. Having an affair, marital problems and subsequent move-out,
has absolutely nothing to do with your children. How can he remove himself from continuing being a father, a hands-on father that is? Abandoning his
own children would be the ultimate draw-back for me. It shows very clearly whose interest he's got at heart. His and only his.
FreedomElf--
My first husband and I separated when my sons were 10 and 12. Although he'd just moved three miles away he didn't want to see the boys because it was much too hard for him.
After two weeks of his articulate trauma, I pointed out that eventually the boys would not want to see him--and that I was not going to be a bridge between father and sons.
I'm not surprised that your kids' father is turning into The Last of the Big Time Spenders, but he won't be able to buy either love or a clean conscience. This is not your worry. You can't control his behavior towards them any more than you can control his behavior towards you.
Are you continuing to listen to his Moral Dilemmas because you're afraid that cutting him off will drive him into Brenda's arms?
actually, as of Wednesday I've had no contact with him at all. He has emailed ME, and called me, but I refused to take the calls or respond to the emails. I think he is getting the message.
As far as coming for pizza yesterday, I don't know whether that was a just a good excuse on his part or not, since he did send my oldest son into his den to get some of his very expensive computer equipment and electronics. He said he wanted to have them at his friends, to use. Perhaps first spending on them was a good way to get my oldest son to do his bidding on that score. I didn't know until after he left that that happened. (He HAD told me just last week that he didn't want anything and to sell all his stuff) I didn't come out of my room until the boys told me he was gone.
Well there you go! Make sure to open an account in your name and
transfer your funds into your new account. Don't let him take things
out of the house except personal belongings or things he paid for himself.
Now would be a good time to talk to a family lawyer.
I'm with you CJ. No time like the present.
FreedomElf--
I'm uneasy about using the kids to retrieve expensive belongings. Would you say that those Big Boy Toys are his or were they joint property? Either way, I don't like the kids being in the middle.
Yep. I think he's already demonstrated that you can't predict his behavior. He has already done things you thought he'd never do. Protect yourself.
I'm beginning to think that my belief that I am better prepared this time is unfounded....perhaps I am still naive after all.
I will consider what you have all said very carefully. Thanks, and have a good evening.
FreedomElf--
You may not be prepared emotionally, but you now have a decent professional resume.
To save your marriage, you trusted and he betrayed you. Learning not to trust him any more is just as hard as learning not to love him anymore.
Noddy24 wrote:FreedomElf--
You may not be prepared emotionally, but you now have a decent professional resume.
To save your marriage, you trusted and he betrayed you. Learning not to trust him any more is just as hard as learning not to love him anymore.
Even if you want to save your marriage, I recommnd the same course of action. He needs to understand that it is not acceptable to take the actions he has taken. Stick to your guns, elf. If he's the man you want him to be he will realize what he's done. If he isn't that man...
^^^ agree with swimpy completely.
