20 year marriage down the drain

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Some of you may remember me from last year. I related the story of my 20 year marriage. He was 19 when we got married, and I was 27 and already had a son who was 9 from a previous teenage marriage..he became father, big brother and friend to my son.

We had 2 more of our own, 9 years apart. We had what I considered to be an incredible marriage, filled with lots of love, hugs, and feeling like I was on my honeymoon for years. My husband would often comment that his friends are so unlucky in their relationships compared to him. He said "why can't everyone be as much in love as we are?"

Well..last year, in April, he dropped a bombshell on me and the kids. He was in love with a pretty young thing at work. He said that he had only started feeling this way a couple of weeks before, when he started getting to know her and having lunch with her, and suddenly he could not live without her. He hit me with this, out of the blue, on April 2nd, and we talked for hours and hours..and he finally said "Gosh, I'm an IDIOT!!! Of COURSE I love you and could never leave you!" So he went to our 2 sons aged 19 and 10 (my oldest one no longer lives with us) and told them that he was very, very very sorry for telling them that he was going to leave mom..he never would. He was just being an idiot, and he PROMISES that he isn't going anywhere.

The next morning he left for work, determined to ask for a transfer in order to prevent himself from ever seeing the woman again. He didn't come homehe went to her house. The next day he came only to pick up a suitcase. He didn't even say goodbye to the kids. Through the next 2 gut-wrenching months in which he would call me or come over and cry about how confused he was about who he loves, he FINALLY asked me if he could come home to give our marriage another try. I agreed, as long as we went to marriage counselling. He agreed, and even wanted to go.

The marriage counsellor was wonderful..he told us that he had rarely seen a couple more suited to each other than we were, in his 25 years of practice. After 4 months, he told us that he didn't feel we needed him anymore..that we had learned to communicate so well, he didn't think that we could ever fall into the trap of not opening up to each other again. He congratulated us on our fine progress, and that was the last time we saw him.in October.

That was the same month that my husband wrote me a beautiful, 4 page letter. (He is not a writer, and struggles with letters, so this was special.) It was incredible. He told me that every time he thinks of the fact that he almost lost me, he wants to die. He would never, ever put our marriage in jeopardy again.I am too precious to him.

Sowe were incredibly happy, from then through December. That's when the emails started arriving from HER. She said that she waited as long as she could for him to come back, but that she was DYING without him and could not bear to live knowing she might never see him again. She told him that if he can't love her the way he once SWORE he did, then to PLEASE PLEASE at least be friends with her and have lunches with her the way they did before they had an affair. She said that she would be "content" with that for the rest of her life if that was the only way to see him. She cannot bear crying every night knowing that she couldn't even just be "friends" with him.

In other emails (which I didn't see at the time, but he has now shown me) she related that her year was horrible without him. Not only did she have to bear the pain of being away from him, but had to bear the animosity of all the co-workers who truly loved my husband, and knew that it was because of HER that he left his job. She said that her job was made unbearable by this anger towards her. On top of that, her mother was sick..on top of that, she had a lawsuit against her.etc etc.etc etc.

Then she sent him a birthday card in March, which said "The best gift you could ever receive is friendship. Please allow that to be my birthday gift to you."

Wellhe caved. He tells me now that he had lunch with her ONLY to get her to move on with her life, and to tell her that he was happy with his wife. But..seeing her again..talking to her at lunch again and seeing her hot body, her sexy clothes, her perfume which always did drive him wild.and having her remind him of all the "cutesy" stuff they did together in the 2 months that they were living together..well, he fell apart.

On Sunday night, April 29th (why is it always April? Spring fever?) he dropped the "bomb" once again..after being SO LOVING and wonderful to me on Easter.like a dream husband! He told me, at 10pm at night, that he had "fallen for her again". I was in agony. I couldn't believe that he could do that to me again after swearing, over and over and over, how grateful he was that he hadn't lost the most precious thing in his life.me. As recently as Valentines Day, he hired a singer to surprise me at my door with the tune "Love Story". His mother was there.and she cried and hugged me, and thanked me for making her son the "happiest man on earth".Gosh, HOW could this have happened again?????

He didn't tell the kids that nighthe actually drove our youngest to school and in the car before dropping him off said "Your dad is really messed up right now, but please know I love you." My son is perceptive, and said "So.does this mean you are going to do what you promised you'd never do again, and leave us?" My husband didn't answer.he just dropped him off. When my son came home from school, his father was gone.

My oldest one was in the middle of college finals.a great time to have this happen for a kid who really is trying to get a degree summa cum laude. Nothing mattered to my husband.he had to be with the bimbo again. He said he felt sooooo guilty that she had such a horrible year. WHAT ABOUT MY HORRIBLE YEAR, AND HIS SONS' HORRIBLE YEAR?????

Anyway.he isn't living with her this time. He moved into a friends house (and calls me from there each night at 11 so that I can see on the caller ID that he isn't with her.his friend lives quite far from her.) He SAYS he hasn't cheated with her YET..that he is still in the "confused" and "doesn't know what he is doing" stage. He has ONLY had lunches with her so far..according to him.

IF he doesn't cheat on me this time.should I consider taking him back? Will I ever be able to be SURE he hasn't cheated on me this time? I can tell you right now that if he HAS cheated again, there is no way I will consider it. It's over. But I guess I am still stupid enough to hold out some hope that he is serious about it not going to full-blown cheating yet. Gosh, I'm an idiot, I know.

I'm starting a new job, so I may not be here often. But thank you for any advice you have. I appreciate it.

PS Thanks to a friend for the PM Smile

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Oy vey, what a story.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. If I put myself in your shoes, I'd be angry with him confiding about him being confused and loving her and you at the same time. That, as far as I'd be concerned, is his problem. By him dumping it on you, he's making it your problem and absolving himself of responsibility, to some extent at least. That would strike me as very immature. The man wants it all and cannot decide. I don't think I'd have patience with that. Plus, I would not be able to trust him again, at least for a long time. Would I give him a chance? Not right away, no. I'd ask him to stay living away and prove over time that he's serious and committed.

That's how I *think* I would feel (it's always different when you're actually in it though).

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thanks for your reply. The last time when he did this he told me that he thinks it was caused by getting married too young and not having any chance to "sow his wild oats."

He ASSURED me, however, that now that he HAD, he could never, ever want to do that again. He said that he "matured" from his affair and learned to be a better husband.

Guess not. Sad

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or he tasted it and liked it...

either way it's not good news for you. i'm sorry you and your sons have to deal with the heartache that comes out of it.

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Ooof.

Dude's a drama queen.

I remember you and remember your story, FreedomElf. I think that the fact that he was 19 when he met you contains most of the important information -- but I know that's not very helpful to you, now.

You put in a good-faith effort. He spat upon it. I just can't see giving him yet another chance.

I hope you guys can work out a good shared custody arrangement that hurts your youngest son as little as is practical.

Best of luck.

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By the way, I do still think that putting in a good-faith effort was worthwhile -- I think it helps long-term, even if it doesn't wind up with "happily ever after." There are benefits in terms of knowing that you tried your best, having some good conversations ("why" devils people in this situation a lot), getting some more good moments together, and helping with any ultimate transition. I don't think this bad ending means that you should have just written him off immediately.

But now that he's shown it's not going to be a single incident that can be recovered from but an ongoing state of mind (no WAY, after all that you went through together and counseling and all the rest of it that he has any excuse for descending into that particular abyss again), I think the good faith has been abused and it's time to quit.

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(19 when you got married, I mean... 18 when you met?)

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yes, he was still 18 when we met. And yes, I was an idiot, but he was so incredibly mature at the time....held down a job and school from the time he was 15, supporting his parents, etc. He was just so responsible, he seemed light years ahead of the other guys his age.

And that is water under the bridge....after all, I was "tied down" to a husband and child when I was a kid....got pregnant at 17. It was disastrous, and I never recovered from it before meeting my current husband. I never went out to parties, dated....my current husband was the third boy I ever had a date with in my life. I went from Catholic school to a disastrous marriage to being swept off my feet by current husband.

So....I guess I have an excuse to just chuck everything and be irresponsible too, but I didn't. I didn't get a chance to "be a kid" either. I don't know....maybe women are just less apt to "go nuts" then men.....but heck, that's no excuse.

If I find out that he hasn't cheated on me this time, there is a small chance. If he has, there isn't. But I guess I am leaning towards your view on this.

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I'm not saying it's an excuse, just that it sheds light on a lot of things. He strikes me as extremely immature in a lot of ways. You had at least one serious, long-ter relationship before him that taught you -- even if only by negative example -- a lot about how relationships work.

The whole "storybook" aspect that you keep coming back to strikes me as very much part of the problem. Life isn't storybook.

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FreedomElf--

Frankly I'm very skeptical that your husband has kept his pants zipped in 2007 for Brenda: Rerun. He moved out--a second time--because he was lusting in his heart?

As for calling you every night at eleven so that you can see from his friend's caller ID what a good boy he's being...Really. I'm sure that nightly check-in makes it difficult for you to get a good night's sleep where ever he may be sleeping.

You've got a husband who can't be trusted to honor his marriage vows, keep him promises to his kids or respect you as a loving person who can be hurt by his actions.

As Soz points out, you gave him every chance. You know you tried to save your marriage. Cut your losses. Gift-wrap the SOB and give him to Brenda--after you talk to a lawyer about child support.

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I'll weigh in on this mainly because I've been there. I know that a couple can get through this type of upheaval. However, I would urge that as long as he is still "confused" you stop all communication with him. He must understand that he cannot have it both ways. He either ends it with her or with you.

He is a "drama queen", as someone else pointed out. Stop giving him the stage.

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I am lucky in one way.....he is still depositing his check to our checking account, and I have full access to his money. He has also been living very frugally at his friends house. It's obvious he hasn't been wining and dining her.

When that changes, I will protect my rights. Until then, I don't want to make waves and cause it to change. Right now he is giving me access to more funds than the court would provide, so I am lucky in that score.

Yes, I have a hard time believing him too. I was a fool, and I don't want to be a fool anymore. But when he is so sincere, it is hard not to at least HOPE that he is telling the truth, even when I don't believe him.

Gosh.....if you had told me 2 months ago that I could EVER be in this mess again, I would have told you that it was impossible. What an idiot I am.

My one son is still hoping he will come back. The younger one, however, wants nothing to do with him. He won't accept his phone calls (of which, I have to admit, there have been very few.) My younger one is very protective of me, and spends a lot of time with me. He asks if I want to play checkers with him or watch Pokemon or Sponge Bob together. We do that a lot more since his dad's been gone. I think it helps him to feel like he is there for me. The older one just spends too much time in his room with the excuse that he is studying (and it may have been true). But I worry about him being so quiet about it.

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you are right, swimpy. In fact, I have a letter here to give to him in which I tell him that I will no longer accept his phone calls or emails. I haven't had the heart to give it to him yet, but I am sorely tempted to simply turn my back on him.

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I don't think it's necessarily that your husband was lying, per se, at least not in any conscious way. I think he believed what he was saying when he was saying it. But I think that's part of the problem, part of the immaturity -- a lack of perspective, and a tendency to be swept up in circumstances, reactive rather than proactive.

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This all reminds me of a friend's situation. Her husband fell in love with his secretary, two different secretaries, each of the times she was pregnant. They needed him so much more, apparently, according to him, than his competent wife, my friend, did. She divorced him over secy. #2. That was forty years ago, but the poor helpless bimbo thing lives on as a pattern. Meantime, her children are adults, and her next marriage has lasted well.

On the other hand, I see Swimpy's point; some marriages survive this upheaval.

Personally, now, I wouldn't have the patience, but... it's taken me a lot of years to get around to what from some angles could be considered the view of a tired, impatient person. Or maybe I've grown more personally self respecting and strong. Hah, take your choice.

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I have to admit, I'm in better shape mentally and financially than I was before. After this happened the first time, I swore that I would never be helpless again. So I updated my skills "just in case" I needed them. It had been so long since I taught school that I had to take two additional courses to update my certification. At least now I have those, in case I need them.

I'm starting a part-time job for a friend, but can go to full time teaching if I need to, if for some reason he isn't as generous as he has always been in the past. And my son is now 21 and did manage to finish those finals and make his BS summa cum laude like he wanted to (by some miracle considering the stress he was under.) He has already been offered two computer programming jobs, and is deciding which one to take. He told me he wants to stay at home for at least 2 years, then get a house of his own once he establishes himself in the business world. He will be paying a good room and board. So all in all, things are much better than they were.

Also, I think I'm emotionally better this time. Last time I was crying all the time and couldn't stop.....now I find myself wondering whether he is worth it, and spending less time crying and more time planning a future without him. Sure, I still miss him and sometimes wish that he would come to his senses, but not like I did last time. Now, it's more contemplative. I don't feel I want him back so badly I will die without him. Now, I often wonder whether I want him back at all. As you can see, my husband isn't the ONLY one who is "confused", lol!

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That all sounds good, Freedomelf.

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Agree.

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yep, sounds like you're moving in the right direction, elf.

I have one question for you to consider. Why are you letting him get away with abandoning his son? He's living with a friend -- has been doing so for about 4 weeks now while you take on the entire scope of being the custodial parent.

You talk about how generous he's being, that his paycheck is still being directly deposited. Um, forgive me for being blunt but, BFD. How much time has he spent with his son in the past four weeks? He's confused? So what! He's an adult and it's time he started acting like one. I really don't think the fact that his paycheck is going into your joint account lets him off the hook for being an active part of his son's life.

You're still enabling him, elf. You can't make him be a husband, but you certainly can make him be a father.

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JPB's right. I would also consult with an attorney. If everything is in his name he could pull the rug out from underneath you pretty quick.

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20 year marriage down the drain

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