Tell me if I am wrong.....

I wish you both the best. One response if he mentions being concerned about you needing him - isn't even better that I don't need you financially, but that I am with you because I love you?

I am a very independent woman and I remember when I was single and dated this guy - he said with me you wouldn't have to worry about anything financially. That was a turnoff - I don't need anyone - I want some one that I can love and want to be with them - not care for me. I had parents for that.

I think you are wise and loving woman with a heart that understands more (and better) than any head would do in that situation.

Well, that lasted long......tonight already it was back to him being an ass again. The kids were full of energy and misbehaving. He retreated and let me deal with them. I didn't yell, I just asked for support from him and he attempted to help....baby steps, I know. I got the kids to bed and attempted to sit and spend some time with him. I asked him if he wanted to sit with me on the couch and his response was 'I just want to sit and relax'......ok...... What the $&(#$& is up with that? I am sorry but I am pissed, so I said 'ok' and came into our bedroom and turned the computer on. He came in and asked what was wrong, I just calmly answered that I had a long day and wanted to spend some time with him. but if he wanted to be alone, that was fine and I would just surf the net. He responded that he just wanted to watch his wrestling. I said that was fine again, he asked if I was mad. I said no and told him that I was looking forward to spending some time with him tonight and was just upset that he didn't want to spend time with me.....he blew up. He started on this tangent asking if he was supposed to hang all over me now, etc. That is when I lost it and said what the hell, you want me to show you that you are needed and wanted but when I do, you want no part of it? Needless to saw, I am in the bedroom on the computer, alone as usual and he is watching his tv....

Your husband is immature and doesn't show responsible behavior,
and frankly, you have helped him become this way, since you are
so independent and self sufficient.

For instance, instead of letting him off the hook tonight, handling the kids and bringing them to bed, you should have let your husband take care of them and bring them to bed. How is he supposed to learn how to deal with the kids, if you're there to help him out or take over when it gets complicated? If the kids are in overdrive, energetic and misbehaving, let him deal with that too. He needs to learn how to discipline them and how to react, if they're misbehaving.

Go shopping if it becomes too hard on you, but let him handle it by himself and alone.

Instead of asking him for some time together when he wants to watch TV, why don't you mutually agree upon one night of the week where the two of you go out on a "date"? Get a babysitter, make dinner reservations, see a movie together, theater, or whatever - just spend some time together away from home.

You need to reconnect together and without a set plan and some responsibility on both sides, it isn't going to work.

I guess one thing that I should have clarified is that normally my husband is not home at night....he works second shift, he was only home last night because he had training for work all day so he was on 1st. Anyway, I asked him to jump in and help because the kids are creatures of routine which is partially why they were crazy yesterday....dad was home, they aren't used to that. I did ask him to take some of the responsibility with the younger two and he walked away from it......I don't/won't fight in front of my children. After asking him again to help, I gave up.....I am not going to beg.

The date night is a good idea and we discussed that this weekend when we talked. Starting this next weekend, we are going to set some time away for the two of us. I guess though that I don't agree with it being a problem that I 'interupted' his tv time. I had every intention of sitting there watching tv with him, just on the same piece of furniture. I'm sorry, but I wasn't asking for him to turn it off, I was asking for some attention from him. We are never home at night together and I thought it would be nice to do something together even if it was watching tv.

StrongatHeart--

You have a long, unpaved road ahead.

Your husband seems very possessive about his time. Do you have any idea why he feels this way?

Hang on.

I speak from experience that "friendship" with the opposite sex doesn't work if one of them is an unhappily married person.

I had a husband who came back to me after leaving me for another woman. He came back last June, and recommitted to our marriage. He was a wonderful husband from June to December...an absolute gem. He told me, over and over, how thankful he was that he hadn't lost me.

Then in December he received an email from the woman, telling him that she was still crying every night over him, and that she was in absolute pain. She begged him that if he couldn't love her again, to AT LEAST be her friend, and have lunch with her and talk occasionally, like they used to do before they had an affair. He showed me the first email when he got it, and was visibly upset. He even ASKED ME to write to her and tell her, with HIS PRIVATE EMAIL, not to contact him again. I did. I thought that was the end of it.....he never said another word, and I thought everything was fine.

By March he seemed to be having some stomach problems, but the doctor couldn't find anything wrong. He seemed to be sick a lot, and our sex life went down the drain. I couldn't understand it when he had just given me a wonderful Valentine's gift....a beautiful painting that he had worked on for 3 weeks....with all sorts of our "secret codes" that we used to use for saying "I love you" when we were first married. So it seemed strange that suddenly he was distant.

Well......In april he "dropped the bomb".....he had decided that he had fallen for Brenda once again!!!! When I asked him why, he told me that he never meant to, but she kept begging and begging for months to JUST BE FRIENDS.....because she would die without at LEAST his friendship. So he decided just to see her, a couple of times for lunch, just to tell her to get on with her life. But then......well.....you can guess the rest. She was so young, and hot, and she wore clothes and perfume that drove him wild....and.....you get the picture.

I'm sitting here alone, in shock, once again. God, I really am an idiot.

All I'm saying, strong, is that I dont' believe friendship works for a married person who is unhappy. I don't suppose I can tell you why I feel taht way, because my situation is different than yours in that she didn't really WANT friendship....but I do believe that my husband didn't INTEND to have another affair......just like you don't intend to cheat.

The best intentions have a way of falling by the wayside. And oh yeah.....my husband, last year, told the kids when he came home that the ONE THING he was absolutely sure of was that he would never, ever, ever leave them again from one day to the next, without warning.

Guess what......he dropped the bombshell at 10pm on Sunday night, drove my son to school in the morning and just before he got out of the car said, "I'm sorry son, I won't be home when you get back. But I still love you."......that was the only warning he got. Gosh.....I really do believe I am better off without him. I just wish it didnt' hurt.

If you want to leave your husband, you have every right to do so. But don't think that if you are this unhappy, that you can have a friendship without getting "suckered in" to a relationship......my husband did the first time AND the second time. And I know he is going to be very very sorry and come crying one day. Only this time, I can never take him back. It's too late. I'm just in shock that June through December of last year were the best months of our entire 20 year marriage....he really was in love with me again.

My god Freedom......I wish I knew what to say and I am sorry. You are not an idiot for taking him back the first time. It is so hard to tell someone you have loved for so long no, I am moving on.....I struggle with that decision daily and it is one that I haven't been able to make. I just don't want to be let down again because if I am, I know that will be it. I agree though, I don't think your husband had any intention of cheating on you the second time and your story really helped point me in the right direction; away from a road I don't want to go down. I love my husband and though I am very angry with him I don't want to hurt anyone like you have been hurt, regardless of what they have done to me.

Noddy24, I have no clue why he is so possessive over his time except that we don't have much of it. With three little kids, a barn full of horses, yardwork, working full time opposite shifts, we never have any time to be alone or together for that matter. I just think he is afraid or simply doesn't want responsibilities.

I don't know, Strongatheart. I'm big on reading between the lines and while it could go a few ways from what you've said, I'm just not sure that the wrestling incident was so bad. Possible take from his perspective:

My wife's been unhappy and I'm trying to figure out what she wants. She's really contradictory. She has certain ways she wants things to happen and if they don't happen that way, she gets mad, but I have a hard time figuring out what those things are.

Like, after a long day the kids were acting up. She gets mad if I interfere and make things worse so I stayed out of the way. That made her mad -- she wanted me to help. Fine, I helped. I didn't really know what I was doing but I tried. She didn't seem very happy with it. After all of this -- I work second shift and am hardly ever home in the evenings, and I'd been doing stuff around the house all day, and I was tired -- I just wanted to watch some wrestling. That wasn't OK with her, either. She wanted to sit on the couch and talk, or something. Honestly, I just wanted to veg out and then go to bed. THAT made her mad, too. She stalked off to the computer. I could tell she was mad so I chased after her, even though all I wanted to do was watch wrestling. She kept insisting she wasn't mad. Fine, whatever. (She sure looked mad.) Then finally she said that she WAS upset that I didn't want to spend time with her. WTF?? I just wanted to watch my wrestling, is that the end of the world? She wants to be left alone to do her own thing most of the time (damn horses) and then when I have something I've been looking forward to and she springs this "attention" thing on me I'm the bad guy. What would she say if I asked for some attention right when she was about to go play with her horses?

*******

All fiction, of course, no claims on veracity there. Just trying to show that it seems like there is an undercurrent of anger from you towards your husband that, even if it's justified, can be destructive to any conscious attempts to improve things.

Date night sounds good.

Good points sozobe and I am not denying the fact that he is making an attempt to fix things. I think a big issue is going to be with me and the fact that this has gone on so long that I really don't care at the moment about anything which is going to make his battle even harder. Hopefully date night will help change that frame of mind.

i know the feeling
Strongatheart,

just want u to know i know what youre going through. youre not alone.

thanks strongheart. You seem like a very thoughtful, decent person, and I hope it works out for you.

What i mean by that is im going through a ery similar, yet different situation.

Happy123, thanks, it is nice to have the support to get through this.....you have support too!

i dont like airing my personal laundry in a public forum. pm me and we'll talk.

happy, shoot me an [email protected]

ok. its sent

Freedomelf--

What a mess.

At least you can be sure that you did everything possible to save your marriage. Now you've got to save your kids--and rebuild your own sense of feeling worthwhile.

You can do it--but you'll spend a lot of time wishing life were easier.

Hold your dominion.

StrongatHeart--

With so little free time and so little time for romance, you've really got to plan. Date night is a good idea.

Meanwhile, for the occasional evenings when neither of you is working...would he be more amenable to watching wrestling together if you made popcorn just for the two of you.

Happy123--

Welcome to A2K.

[quote="Noddy24"]...would he be more amenable to watching wrestling together if you made popcorn just for the two of you.

[/quote]

How do you always come up with such simple suggestions, that still seem like such great advice?

That is the thing that shocked me when he had that little episode the other night....before he started working second shift, we always watched wrestling on Monday nights together....I don't particularly enjoy it, but I don't mind it either. I know he likes it, so its fine. I guess that is why I was so shocked at his response; I didn't ask him to turn it off or turn the channel, just sit on the same piece of furniture as me.....