Tell me if I am wrong.....

Is the land and house in your husband's name or his dad's name? I was kind of confused on that - if it is in your husband's name only - then you may be entitled to half even though your name is not on it - it depends on the state and its laws.

One thing you might want to try rather than to find a man to talk to - is to find a support group - perhaps your counselor you went to could suggest one - that way you can speak with people that have or are going through similar things than you. Like others - I would worry even if you have no intention that an affair would develop. Also, to me any way, it sounds like you want an emotional or mental affair - isn't really much different than a physical affair other than the actual act. You end up distancing yourself emotionally from your spouse.

By trying to find someone to talk to about all of this, my goal is not to get him to pay attention to me, my goal is to not feel alone anymore. Your right though, I don't want to give up some financial comforts. Without him, I can' t afford my horses anymore for one. I have had one of my horses since I was a child and he will be with me till the day he dies.

In a perfect world, he would admit that he has some faults to work on and things would turn around. I am not asking for perfection, I am not perfect, but I am to a point where I have always spared his feelings from getting hurt, made sure he has what he needs, made sure he has a support system. Who the hell does that for me? No one. I don't think I am being immature in how I am handling the situation. I could stomp my feet, bash his name, and drag my kids into it, but instead I have chosen to keep it all to myself until I can transition our lives away from his in a way that will be as smooth as possible to the children. I would never say anything bad about him to my children and I hope he would do the same. The part I am battling with is keeping all this inside until I am financially to the point that I can seperate from him without having the bottom fall out from under our world.

What my father in law did was he took out a home equity loan on his home and bought this place for my husband (we were not married at the time). I have my own reasons as to why he did this, but that is a whole other topic....... There is nothing truly even in my husbands name except for at the courthouse were there is an agreement on file that the monthly mortgage payment would be paid directly to him. I have checked with an attorney on this and he suggested that we try to purchase the property from him by getting a traditional mortgage and putting both our names on the loan, this would mean that if we got divorced, I would have some rights to it. The only other thing we could do is if we split, we would sell, pay off the loan to his dad, and anything left would get split.....Him and I have talked about this and he knows I can't force him to sell it and he knows he has the upper hand on this one.

A support group is a great idea....I had not thought of that. I will look into that and see if there is anything like that in our area. Thanks for the suggestion.

StrongatHeart, I was reacting to this:



Dangerous and immature thinking, IMO.

I have no objection to anything you're saying up until a) that you want a MALE friend, and b) that you think this friendship might get your husband to behave better towards you. It really sounds to me like you want to make your husband jealous, get him competitive. That's just bad bad bad news.

I love Linkat's idea of a support group.

Additionally, if you want to stop being a doormat you can do that within the marriage. Say that you feel things are not reciprocal and why. Warn him that you're tired of that situation and that you will be expecting him to step up, and that if he doesn't, you will be less willing to accommodate him. If he doesn't step up, follow through. (If you ask a favor of him and he doesn't do it, say no when he asks a favor of you.)

You don't need to bring in an outsider to start being more assertive.

Maybe it would be the spark he needs to realize I am going to have my needs met. It would be nice if something got him motivated.....I don't look at that as being immature thinking though. If my goal was to involve someone else strictly to make him jealous that is immature. My goal is find comfort for myself. The one thing our relationship does have is honesty. As stated before, I have been honest with him about needing to have someone to talk to. If he doesn't like that idea, he should step up. He hasn't. I am starting to see that it truly doesn't matter if this friend is male, female, a support group, whatever. I think I thought it needed to be male at first because my female friends haven't helped and I never thought about a support group so male was the next best thing and traditionally, I have always felt comfortable talking to males. I am thinking that was just by chance, I haven't found the right female friend to talk to I guess. The last thing I want to deal with is competitiveness.

I don't jump through hoops for him like I used to. I don't want to be anyone's doormat and thinking that I have been really hurts; I am too good for that. What I started doing (per the advise of my counsellor) I started making plans with the kids without him but left the door open for him to join in. The counsellor thought it would help him realize that he wanted to be a part of the 'fun' by doing this. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I don't think my assertiveness with him is an issue. I don't mince words with people especially him. I have just never ran across a person that went you poor your heart out to, they just shrug it off like it is nothing......definitely not the person I married.

But think a bit deeper - which support do you need most at the moment, so that you could be independent from him? Is it really a soulmate that you need so badly (because you seem to have shown an admiring personal strength so far)? I think you really need to start building your own life in terms of possesions and finance, so that matreial things do not interfere with your real feelings towards man.

StrongatHeart, do you still love your husband?

tell me if I am wrong....
Yes I do still love my husband.....very much so. I am just very hurt by him and his actions. I would love for things to work out, but when should a person stop trying? The quick answer is never, but how much can a person take?

StrongAtHeart--



Perhaps the person you thought you married never existed?

I'm not a fan of this marriage; I know, I know, I've only heard one side. (I've often enough veered to the other person's side, though). I agree with everyone who mentions finding out about your legal rights, financial rights (you may need to separate to start accruing separately, I dunno), building a life for yourself and your children one way or the other. I agree with the support group comment.

I understand the urge for connection during and right after an almost debilitating marriage - and that is part of why many say don't attach right at that point. Noddy, for example, sometimes mentions two years as a guideline. The idea being... people need rescue emotionally, and some need to rescue, and it can be a poor start and at worst, exploitative, one way or another. (I demur to say sometimes it works out, but the dynamic can be a problem.)

Another aspect is that landing on your feet and getting along on your own is a good foundation for going on. But... you do need support, I sure agree. A group, good; individuals, sure. Preferably individuals you are not attracted to, for now. I might not be as against individual male support as some are. I think males can be friends with women, even heterosexual ones (but watch your ass).

Many of us end up spending time alone. Alone is not desolation. It's building time for the self, good for us, mostly.

Part of my problem with male support was what Fishin' got at later -- since the specification of wanting a friend who is male + context seemed to indicate that StrongatHeart was looking for some kind of admiration/ ego bolstering, but ostensibly didn't want to act on it, that was likely to be frustrating for/ unfair to the male in question.

I don't categorically have a problem with a woman having male friends, and if this had arisen organically -- if this were her old gay high school friend for example, or non-gay but not attracted -- I'd have no problem with it. I've often enough told husbands here who were suspicious of their wives' male friends that such friendships can be both platonic and valuable, chill out.

I'm encouraged that she's interested in the support group idea. Hope that's something that helps you, Strongatheart.

One thing I haven't heard so far is any suggestions from SaH as to why he is behaving this way. I understand (but don't agree with) his decision not to help you while you were pursuing your degree, but to not assist you when the third child was born? Why is he not wanting to work on the marriage, do you think? Even if he considers counselling 'stupid', he could still wish to improve your relationship. It sounds like he has lost interest.

I also think that if things are as bad as they sound (and I'm a little confused about how bad they are because you mentioned how much you still love him and want things to work out yet you stated you have lost all respect for him - how do you love someone you don't respect?), you would be willing to give up your animals (or foster them out) in preference to your children and your own self-esteem.

The support group sounds like a wonderful idea, and I hope you find one, with both genders - sometimes getting a male perspective is just what we need to hear. It doesn't seem as if you have much, if any, family support, and that's a shame.

Maybe you need to focus in on what it is you really want. Do you want a better relationship with your husband? Or do you want to move out with your kids?

Are you working, by the way?

tell me if I am wrong....
My husband used to be deeply in love with me, I know that. I had people comment on how you could just read how much he loved me by looking at his face. I think that as more responsibility came along, he drifted farther and farther away from me and the kids. I think that deep down he still loves me. I do still love the old him, the one that I married that disappeared.

To answer your question Mame, yes I work full time (and then some) in Marketing for a large company. My career has really taken off since I graduated from school and I think this is part of the problem for him too. For a while now I have been the breadwinner (until just recently when he switched jobs). I think that my determination scares him.....I actually went to a medium with a friend and she told me that too. I have never made it a big deal and he has never really talked about it like it was an issue but I think deep down that may be part of the problem. I think that he thinks I don't need him and truly I do. I think I have made this clear but maybe we need to talk about this some more.......

I've been reading about Mr. Control here, and not liking it at all. So my reaction is as if Strongheart is me. That she loves him, well.

I have not read all replies to your story, but I think you got some great answers already.

I just wanted to say that you sound like a great person.
You don't want pity.. that's good, because I don't think you need it!

You know what you want, and you are going for it!
Your children will be very happy one day, to call you their mother!

And from personal experience I can see your future:
One day you will look at your life and say: I am happy where I am, what I am, and with whom I am! The way that brought me here, with all the **** that I had to dodge and endure, made me what I am, and no way would I have it any different!

I wish you all the luck in the world and the best friends you can immagine!
I think you deserve it!

StrongatHeart, did you ever ask him why he's acting this way? Why he's not taking interest anymore in your feelings and kids? How would he want you to behave, what would he want you to do (quit your job, get another baby...) if he is not satisfied with you now? Does he want to change anything at all or he's happy with the current set-up?

We had a very, very long talk this weekend. I told him that I was at the end of my rope and needed answers or else I was throwing in the towel. I told him how I felt about his actions, was prepared with examples, and then told him I wanted to know how he felt. He basically said, not in so many words, that I intimidate him and he doesn't feel like I need him anymore. I can see how he feels that way but my explanation to him was that he has proven that I can't rely on him therefore forcing me to be independent from him. I got a lot of things off my chest and I think he understands that he needs to start pitching in. Things were better this weekend overall. He told me he loved me, helped me around the house and with the kids....it was almost weird since I am so used to doing it alone. Since he works second shift, it is going to be interesting how this will keep up. I asked him to do a couple of things for me today so I am wondering if he will; the first time I ask him. I hope he does change his ways. The last thing I want is my marriage to end, I do love him. I don't think love is something you can just turn on and off. I have spent the better part of my life with him and am willing to try if I am met half way. Hopefully now he is doing that. I know that it sounds terrible, but I have my doubts and don't want to get my hopes up.....we will see

StrongatHeart--

A couple with good will can accomplish wonders.

Be sure to praise every bit of loving progress. You've got to heal as well as reform.

Good luck.

I agree and am really trying to step back and force myself to rely on him again. It is the only way he can earn my trust and respect back and hopefully get our marriage heading back in the right direction.