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Need Advice

 
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 06:51 am
Ragman wrote:
Very supportive attitude. The fact that there's a continuation of the thread's hijacking seems not to faze you much.

Nor did I see an apology to Shortygurl for the pedantic attack on her for misspelling and not meeting your standard of excellence. This person came here with a request for help. A real shame to see her not coming back.

Is anyone else here having a problem with this sort of approach ?

It's time for me to absent myself from this thread as I don't see her returning.


I agree with you ragman - she came looking for help there is no need to attack misspellings or typos. She needs some positive support.
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 06:33 pm
Ok I'm sorry I haven't been here and apparently missed a lot but He is not going to AA by choice he has to by the order of the court for his DUI. If if were his choice he wouldn't get help. I don't get why he started drinking in the first place. He is kind of a person that likes to be alone then I walked into his life and he hasn't ever had anyone care for him in the way that I do. He never drank until he met me and I can't quite seem to figure out why. I know this is not my fault I never made him drink but he was a good looking guy and didn't have this problem, now he has gained weight and drinking everyday. I know it may have nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. He lost his job so I think he was depressed and turned to alcohol to deal with the pain. He recently started working again and I thought he would stop but that hasn't changed anything. He drinks before he goes to work and after. It just worries me that he gets drunk alone.
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 06:35 pm
ps sorry I am not a great speller or anything and my grammar isn't perfect
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 06:50 pm
shortygurl - I'm glad to see you here again.

As much as I understand wanting to help someone you love (and I really really understand that), my concern is really that you take care of yourself. Seriously consider taking in an Al-Anon meeting or two.

Does he have any other long-term friends or family who are also concerned about what's been happening with your boyfriend. It may be easier for you if you have a sense that you're not the only person who cares.

~~~~~

Don't worry about your spelling or grammar. I'm sure there's not a single poster at A2K whose posts are always perfect. No stones to throw by this crowd.
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 06:53 pm
Well Like I said he is kind of a loner so he doesn't have any friends. His mother has noticed his drinking more and has said it to him but other than that he doesn't really have anyone else.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:04 pm
Glad you're still here, shortygurl.

I'll agree with all who suggest al-anon, at least for a while. I too have qualms about cult aspects of AA, but have many friends and associates who credit it for a major role in their lives' livability, and am glad to have them in my own life. I know a few people who have stopped without AA. Heck, I knew, through my family, an oldtime movie director/writer who got himself off of (was it morphine?) by locking himself in a room somewhere in South America for two weeks. (This is near apochryphal since I can't remember if that was when he wrote the book, and maybe the lock-in for morphine was on LA's skid row. Long time ago.)

No advice from me, shortygurl, except to consider that love can enable a lot of destructive behavior.
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:15 pm
Quote:
love can enable a lot of destructive behavior
.
Does that mean that his drinkinkg is somehow my fault because he loves me?
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caribou
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:33 pm
Your love for him could be enabling his drinking.
I did a quick Google search to find a way to explain this better and found this article. I hope it helps explain "enabling".
click for article

Yes, it's sorta an AA term.

I can understand AA being seen as a cult.
I can understand the need for people to think for themselves.
I can also see that alcoholics might find this the best way to get the answers they need at a time when they have no answers.

My credentials, I'm a sister of an alcoholic, 22 yrs. sober.
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caribou
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:39 pm
shortygurl wrote:
yes it is a disease it is hereditery and since his father is an alcoholic he is more likely to be an alcoholic himself. I have tried walking away and I am just not sure if I can leave him I love him and I think my leaving him would cause him to drink even more.

Quote from the article I posted:
Until he is ready to reach out for help with his drinking problem, all the scolding, manipulating, and controlling efforts on your part are not going to do any good whatsoever and will only cause you to get pulled further into the family disease of alcoholism.
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:42 pm
Thanks I just don't get this at all. He never drank before he met me now he is getting to the point where I am going to leave. I think in a way he is trying to push me away because he is afraid to love due to what happened when he was younger. He lost a brother he was very close to in a house fire. My opinion is he has not gotten over the fact he lost his brother he can't and won't let go. I think he is afraid to love someone that he could lose so he turns to alcohol to make it go away. I don't know. We have been together for about 6-7 months and when I first met him he was fun to be around and now I feel like he is pushing me away and I don't know why.I just want it to be like it was in the begginning.
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caribou
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:44 pm
I wish there was an easy answer. I understand the pain of watching someone you love do destructive things.
The problem is, is that he needs to help himself.
He needs to want to stop.

Only then can you help him.
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caribou
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:48 pm
shortygurl wrote:
I think he is afraid to love someone that he could lose so he turns to alcohol to make it go away.


He needs to understand that his drinking will make you go away. He will lose you over something that he could control.

All of these things are his problem.

I'm not sure what you can do, except take care of yourself.



(need to go to bed now, will check in tomorrow)
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 07:53 pm
Thanks that has helped me in a way I guess. I guess he may not want to change unless I really leave him for it then maybe he will realize. ok goodnight
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2007 08:09 pm
shortygurl wrote:
Thanks that has helped me in a way I guess. I guess he may not want to change unless I really leave him for it then maybe he will realize. ok goodnight


That is what I was originally thinking.

Quote:
I think in a way he is trying to push me away because he is afraid to love due to what happened when he was younger. He lost a brother he was very close to in a house fire. My opinion is he has not gotten over the fact he lost his brother he can't and won't let go. I think he is afraid to love someone that he could lose so he turns to alcohol to make it go away. I don't know. We have been together for about 6-7 months and when I first met him he was fun to be around and now I feel like he is pushing me away and I don't know why.


I highly doubt that this is the reason. It just does not ring true with me. I think there's something else going on.

How much have you talked with him about this? Maybe it would be possible for you to get him to open up and explain what his real reasons are.
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 May, 2007 09:43 am
Ok we don't really talk about it and as far as trying to get him to open up he is impossible. He keeps so much to himself and he won't open up about that subject for some reason. He keeps a lot of his problems to himself. He thinks his problems are his problems and mine are mine.He confuses me a lot sometimes.
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 May, 2007 01:12 pm
Sorry to say this, but it sounds like he may be getting bored with you
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 May, 2007 01:58 pm
He is a closed person anyway it has nothing to do with boredom I think he may be bored in general because he hasn't had money to do things since he hasn't been working. I don't think it has anything to do with being bored with me. We get along really good for the most part this is the only thing I have a problem with.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 May, 2007 01:58 pm
shortygurl, have you told him that you're having difficulty being in a relationship with someone who drinks to excess?

you said earlier that his mother had talked to him about his drinking. did you learn that from talking to him or his mother?
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shortygurl
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 May, 2007 02:15 pm
I have and I am the type of person that likes helping people no matter how bad of a problem even when I know I may not always be able to help them. I have learned from the talking and everything I just don't know if I am ready to get up and leave. I am not that type to just walk away from someone I care about
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 May, 2007 02:20 pm
The problem with that approach, shortygurl, is that you staying and "helping" may actually work against him taking any positive action.

I don't know either of you, but I've got some experience working with (as a colleague, and as a service provider) with addicts, and with personal involvement. I'd really recommend hooking yourself up with a local Al-Anon group.

Addiction's a very tricky thing to try and help with.
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