Tug-of-war

It's really an awful situation. And I do recognize and feel guilty that I have played a significant role.

M turns two in this week. I had always thought that for each of her (and for the other children's who will follow) birthdays, I would wish both sets of her grandparents, and the one great-grandparent still living. On M's behalf, till she was old enough to take over the responsibility. I thought it a good way for her to look back at her roots, specially because we're immigrants, and she'll only ever know this side. So, anyway. I had wanted to send cards to the folks in India, but B (sensibly) nixed the idea, at least for now. I will call all of them, though, and say that I'm calling so that they can wish M (given that it'll be a weekday, and they're unfamiliar with our schedules).

Heatwave--

Good for you. You're willing to go more than halfway to maintain peace and family peace is a very good thing.

Kiss M. Happy Birthday for us.

Hold your dominion.

Thank you, Noddy. I will pass on the kiss with pleasure! (My baby is going to be TWO!)







PS: There's an update at the end of Page 8 as well.

So, I've been making the phone call as I promised. There've been three weekends since my last update - and the only one I missed was when M & I were visiting B on the far side of the country. It's been congenial - somewhat. Or was, until the call yesterday.

The call yesterday started out well enough, though, try as I might, I cannot inject any real warmth/affection in my voice when I talk to MIL. I suppose I come across as 'relaying' the happenings on whatever happened in between the weekend phone calls. But I guess she was happy enough with that. For her part - she *is* warm & affectionate, etc. I guess, as she informed me, I do have an over-inflated ego and am rather set in my ways.

Anyway. She must've felt some love & affection trickling through the phone lines from me (she's delusional enough to convince herself of that), and after hearing how airsick M was on one leg of our trip to California, and how much fun we had together all of us after being apart for more than a month - she exclaimed euphorically: Heatwave, I love you. Really. I really do love you a lot. And I want to say that I'm very sorry for everything that has happened in the past couple months. I know I've suffered a lot, as has B - we've both gone through hell (no mention of heatwave getting fried here) - but I just want to tell you that I take full responsibility for everything. And I'm sorry.

So, jaded and thrice-burned that I am, I think - here we go again. And sure enough. The above ever-loving embrace neatly segued into ...BUT. "There are a few things I must clarify." And she launches into....everything that she's ever said before. And went on. And on. And on. Ad infinitum. Two hours.

Back and forth we went. I should've kept my mouth shut and just let it roll over me. But no. I got a few points in as well. Anyway. I kept saying after a while, we will go over these things forever - because it seems you don't want to move forward. You don't want to feel better. Finally, I ended it saying that once and for ever, I was extending my apologies for whatever hurts and indignities I may have inadvertently heaped on her. And that she should forgive me. And that I would be very careful going forward. Desultory chitchat follows for a half a minute, and the calls over.

Phew. Thus ended a half of my Sunday. I had finished all my chores on Saturday, so that I could spend a fun Sunday with M - had planned on taking her out to the park. By the time the call was over, it was Noon and 90 degrees outside. Bye bye plans. We just both took a nap.

B had the misfortune to call an hour into our nap, and I really let him have it. All my good intentions evaporate when c**p like this happens - I had felt so bad that his relationship with his parents was getting jacked, I had made a heartfelt promise to him that I'd do everything I could to alleviate the situation.

*sigh*

I shall call again next weekend. And the next. And the one after....

It sounds like you handled it well. Hang in there.

Heatwave--

Face it--you have been cast as an inadequate daughter-in-law by a self-focused m-i-l. The part isn't a complicated, subtle one--all you have to do is sit still and be lectured.

Translation: All you have to do is be super-polite while a woman you distrust and dislikes gets to say hurtful things.

If you were an American wife you could put your dainty little foot down and announce, "Your family--your problem." Evidently you don't feel you have this option.

If you have to clean public rest rooms for a living, you develop techniques for detaching yourself while you deal with other peoples' filth and acts of vandalism--thoughtless filth, senseless vandalism.

Since you have to please your husband by dealing with a self-focused, hurtful woman you've got to develop techniques for doing so with professional detachment.

Your husband did not create his mother. He can't control her. He should be able to give you praise and sympathy in the role he has chosen for you.

Hold your dominion.

{{Heatwave}}

I feel so sorry for you, but not really being able to put myself into your position, I don't know how I could possibly help you!

Thanks, FreeDuck, nimh.

Noddy24: yes. You always state it perfectly. And you're right (again), I do have to develop 'techniques.' I was thinking today that I should just learn to laugh at this situation, at her and at myself. If I can train myself to realize that she lives FAR away (for now) and can only have so much influence on my day-to-day life - I may give myself a little less heartburn. Of course, I slept for a full 8 hours last night and woke up refreshed and that may have something (a lot) to do with my optimism. IDK.

Bohne, yours and everyone else's perspectives and support have helped. You have all made me feel better and that helps a lot. As for the situation itself - it just is, I guess. And it will be. I'll just deal with it. It's quite alright.

Heatwave--

Believe me, I take a great deal of savage delight at the geographical separation between me and various members of Mr. Noddy's family.

With hard work I can usually turn the geographical distance into a great psychic barrier against the waves of contempt and ill will.

At least, I can on my good days.

Hold your dominion.

You're my hero, Noddy :-D


Heatwave,
I don't envy your situation at all, but you have an awesome attitude and more courage than I, which are things I highly respect :-D

Montana--

Thanks for the kind words.

Anytime Noddy! You deserve them and many more :-D

Savage delight - - I'm sure I could work up some of that, Noddy24. You have such a way with words (and sense). Thank you.

Thank you, Montana, you're kind to say that! And Noddy is my hero too!

Hello Heatwave (and the rest of the gang) - just finished reading this entire thread. I really feel for you Heatwave. I am familiar with what you're going through because I have many Indian friends -- grew up with them, for that matter. It is a totally different culture, for sure.
As Noddy (I think) said, were this an American family, you'd just say No, and that would be that.

Question: Under what conditions (if any) would she approve of you as a DIL?

Question: Do you think she feels threatened by you (your strength)?

I think you're handling this very well, Heatwave, and you have a great support network here.

Good luck, and I look forward to more updates.

Hello, Mame. Thanks for taking the trouble of reading the whole read - takes some patience, I know.

To answer your questions:

She actually does (or did) approve of me as a DIL. In fact, B had to battle his parents to marry me because of certain important factors that I've mentioned elsewhere. She traveled to the US to dissuade him from doing so, met and interacted with me, said she "fell in love too" and finally gave us her/their blessing. In those early days, I didn't truly 'get' her. I was completely at ease and myself. She & I actually really got along. I thought she was the cat's meaow, I'll admit it. Slowly, her real self started coming out. Once she gave us the 'go-ahead' for our marriage, she began to act as though she owned me. She is self-admittedly a little obsessed with me. I don't deal well with that. That's how it all started going downhill - with my little and then large rebellions against her possessiveness. Then the wedding happened, and soon M came along. And she started couching her possessiveness (with me, with M) in 'Tradition'. And I won't have it.

That's background. To directly answer your question, she would 'approve' of me now if I were to constantly shower love & affection on her, call everyday, consult her on every aspect of our lives - basically, make her feel important. Except that it's like a black hole, a bottomless pit - her need to feel important.

Your second question. I actually had not considered this because I don't necessarily consider myself as strong. I think I'm a bit of an escapist - would rather just not have to deal with things. But I suppose you've got something there. She may feel a little powerless, and I know how batty that would drive her.


Thank you for your kind words, Mame. You right, people here have been just incredibly supportive and that helps a lot.