Tug-of-war

Heatwave--

I find it interesting that you asked your question in Parenting rather than Relationships?

Where does your husband fit in this generational tangle?

Hello, Noddy24. It's interesting to me that you caught that. I did put some thought into which forum to post this on and decided on 'Parenting & Childcare' because I feel I must look at this from the perspective of a mother. It's the only way I will manage some modicum of objectivity. My own relationship with M/PIL is .... pretty much done for, and in many ways beyond salvaging. Sadly.

My husband has lately started toeing the good-son line more than he has the good-husband. (I think, though, that my vision may be a little skewed.) He wants to do the 'right' thing - have our baby interact with his parents, especially given the distance between us (they live in India). Thinking rationally, I know it's not much he wants me to do. But I just cannot get over my acute dislike for MIL. She is obsessed with my daughter, (even, actually her children and their spouses and their lives - because she lives vicariously through all of us) - but mostly with my daughter. My husband cannot see it, because - well, she's his mother and no one wants to even think that their parents aren't perfect. But he's getting a little 'rougher' (verbally, of course) in his articulation. It's now a 'you better do it' rather than 'can you please.' Such is the way Indian men function when it comes to their parents.

I don't know. I'm so muddled. I know long-term, I have to keep the relationship alive (mine w. inlaws). And also get used to my daughter having a loving relationship with her paternal grandparents. I just wish I could be a little more relaxed about it. She & PIL are the ONLY people in the world that I am possessive over my baby with. (Couple zingers: my husband is a full-time student and I work full-time; which means baby is at daycare. When we were preparing for B to join school, and have me return to work they repeatedly pressured us to send baby to live in India with them until after B's out of school. Of course, we didn't do it, but still....we were badgered constantly over it. 2) MIL, unnatural person that she is, took tremendous joy in telling me after M was born: I'm as much this baby's mother as you are. The only thing that you can do and that I can't is breastfeed her. 3) She has actually said that she feels jealous when she sees M be affectionate with me. (She's actually even said that about B, my husband - but I guess that's a little easier to understand.)

Argh!

Heatwave--

You have my sympathy. My first mother-in-law threw a series of spectacular tantrums (she was drinking heavily at the time) because I announced I would be breastfeeding the baby. She felt this was low class and that I was choosing to breast feed only so that she couldn't give her grandchild a bottle.

My son never did break free of his mother and his cowardice was a big factor in our divorce.

Will your husband consider counseling? You need a united front on this problem.

Wow, your ex-MIL sounds like a nice lady too. (I think that people who 'talk' most about class - like your ex-MIL and my current one have the least amount of it.)

My husband has always sided with me as far his parents go, up until now. Actually, I'm fairly certain that when he talks to his parents when I'm not around (which is all the time), he wouldn't say a bad word about me. In fact, I'm almost 100% sure of that. But when it comes to having me do the 'right' thing in his mind (which is maintain amicable relations w. his folks, and have M interact w. them on a regular basis) - well, he's becoming not-so-nice.

Counseling would work, I'm all for it. He will never be. He is (like most Indian men) of the opinion that counseling is for crazy (as in: insane) people. Besides, there would have to be an admission of a problem. As far as he's concerned, I have a problem - which makes it MY problem, and so I have to be the one to deal with it.

He's going to be on the other side of the country for his internship over the summer. I'm hoping that this separation will allow for some introspection time for us both; and maybe reinforce the value of a good husband/wife relationship along side the good-son one.

I have absolutely no advice, just wanted to convey that I'm reading and sympathizing. Certainly puts my annoyance with my "can I visit now? what about now? it's been TWO MONTHS since I visited! I miss you. I saw this cute little girl walking to school today and it broke my heart" mom into perspective... (At least she listens when I say "no," and at least my husband isn't on her side...)

Thanks for stopping by, Sozobe. Well, the distance between here & India means we get told that they're coming for a visit once a year, as opposed to your two months. (Of course, those 1x a year trips last 3-6 months.) I hear you though, I can imagine that being irritating.

I am actually worried about the level of anxiety this issue (and M & MIL's interactions when they happen) induce for me. This past weekend, I used doing laundry (in the basement common area - away from house) and vacuuming the apartment as both a means to get away from the phone myself as well as a channel for my anxiety. I guess that would be my best resort at most times. Silver lining would be I guess, that most of my chores would get done.

Heatwave--

You're flirting with a very good idea on shifting points of view. Tell yourself that when your m-i-l is on the phone, this is obviously the time for laundry or scrubbing the bathroom or cleaing the closet shelf....

I dodge Mr. Noddy's conversations with several of my stepsons by climbing on the exercycle or going for a walk.

Self-brainwashing takes some doing, but it is possible to achieve a frame of mind when you think, "Oh, good! I've been meaning to do such-and-such and this is the ideal opportunity."

Very true, Noddy24. And then I can pretend that my accelerated heartrate is due to the energy expended doing my chores. Maybe, over time, as the self-brainwashing takes effect, it will white out the anxiety and I can feel at peace again.

Heatwave--

One of the most difficult concepts I've ever grasped is that the world is not set up to be a Garden devoted to my personal well-being.

Some parts of my world are utterly repulsive--and what can't be cured, must be endured. My only choice is whether to endure it like a Grande Dame Spunky Heroine or like a Whining Bitch.

I don't like myself when I'm a Whining Bitch.

Who put your m-i-l in charge of your heartbeat? I'm afraid you did.

Who can cure your racing heart?

I'm very sympathetic here, with no advice.

Wow, aren't I lucky...
My mother-in-law lives an 8-hour-flight away, and has never visited us, yet!
She calls maybe four times a year, and my husband calls her another four to six times, I would say!
All other communications happen though email!

I know that she does not agree with everything we do.
For one, she did not like our son to have my last name, but I only found out by coincidence, she never mentioned it to me or her son!



But to your problem: I know the situation, when you get really worked up about something and no reasoning is really possible, because your on 180, even just thinking about it...

On the other hand though, think of what you have got!
You have your wonderful daughter, and she's NOT in India!
For most of the year, your mother-in-law is nowhere near!
You have your life, your job, and your marriage!

Let your husband talk to his mother as often as he wants to!
What's the big deal!
Just ask him to leave you out of it!

I never talk to my mother-in-law on the phone.
I just would not know what to talk to her about!
She wants to speak to her grand-daughter? What's the harm in it?

She thinks she's as much your daughter's mother as you are?
You KNOW she's deluded, you are the ONE-AND-ONLY, and always will be!

You have to start letting her talk go in one ear and straight out of the other without affecting your daily routine in-between!

She's an old an lonely woman!
You should pity her, rather than let her wind you up!

I know, easier said than done, but in the end:
You are the one who's got the child. You love her, she loves you!
Nothing else should matter!

Good luck!

Sorry about the long absence - I read your responses, but only now have the breathing space to write in.

Ossobuco, thanks for stopping by with the kind commiseration.

Dear Noddy24, thank you for the bracing words (and the gentle kick in the pants). I have read your words countless times already, whenever I feel a meltdown coming. They help. I hate the role of the Whining Bitch - it goes completely against the grain. Your words put perspective on how to deal with the realities of my life and walk on. I thank you. I could slow down my racing heart by a smidgeon. Working on more...

Bohne - what a wonderful, practical approach you have suggested. You are right about a lot - I'm here, she's not; I'm M's mother, she's not; and she is a bitter, old woman. Unfortunately, the way many conservative Indian families are - I cannot escape talking to her. (Just the way I cannot escape looking after both B's parents once they start living a retired life and move in with us.) Therefore, I have to set many boundaries for her right from the beginning. She is a very tough old bird - with talons planted firmly inside the three men in her life (husband + 2 sons). I cannot count on much support from my husband. But yes, there are many other ways to deal with a lot of this - and that is where Noddy24's and your words have helped me already.

I will be revisiting this thread a lot.

Oooooof. I can see how that right there adds a huge dollop of stress to the whole thing. Wow, I can't imagine. I know this is how it's done in India, I've read countless books where the dramatic possibilities in the daughter-in-law/ mother-in-law relationship are given full flower... But can't quite reconcile that to the modern American person you seem to be from your posts.

Can't they live with the other son?

Nope. It's the older son's duty.

Indians are so screwed up. They live with the worst double-standards in their lives than anyone else in the world. I am grateful that I am American now. (Not that it lets me escape any of the screwy-ness - but I can ensure that my children will grow up differently.)

Heatwave--

Thanks for the kind words, but I'd lying by omission if I didn't admit that I've been extraordinarily snappish in my Real Life this week.

Long ago I read that most hate is actually a manifestation of fear. You dislike your m-i-l because the Little Girl inside you fears that this Grown Up, Powerful Woman will destroy your quality of life.

Yes, she will take a certain amount of your husband's time. She says very foolish (and inaccurate) things about the "ownership" of your child. She makes you feel threatened.

Remember, she has only as much power over your personal being as you allow her to have.

Marriage is hearts and flowers and happily ever after. Marriage also has a sordid underside because each partner comes with baggage and habits. Because you love your husband you put up with dirty toilets and moments of imperious authority. Your m-i-l is just another example of his imperfections.

I don't guarantee your m-i-l will mellow with age, but I predict you're going to get to be an expert in handling her with minimum inconvenience to yourself.

Hold your dominion.

Noddy24, you hit it. Again. I read this, and thought: Oh my! How could I not see this?

Your words echo inside me everytime another MIL incident happens (almost a daily occurence) - and they make me 'chill out,' take a step back, be an adult. Thank you. I will not allow this person to take away from me the poise of being an adult.

You've really made a difference for me, Noddy24. I'm sending a tight hug your way.

Noddy's a wonder.

Glad that you've found a way to deal -- that's to your credit, too.

Heatwave & Soz--

Thanks for the kind words.

Urgh!

Did I say I was going to be an adult?

This is getting out of hand. And it's not about the baby anymore. I'll come back to explain/update. But I have a feeling that if B doesn't wake up to a lot of things soon, things are going to go downhill for us very quickly.

Have I complained about Indian double standards before? God, they make me so hopping mad, I could spit.