Tug-of-war

Uh-oh...

I'm pissed. I'm SOOOO PISSED!!

It's come down to your family vs. my family. Your parents vs. my parents. I CANNOT believe this is my husband - sane, rational, sensible B. Studying for his second grad degree in an Ivy League school. Getting an education doesn't necessarily mean you're getting educated, I guess.

S*** F*** P***!

I HATE this whole Indian deal of 'when a girl gets married - she enters her husband's family, and her own family becomes secondary.' WHY? Girls fall out of f**king trees? They don't have parents & brothers & sisters & aunts & uncle that they might possibly continue to love even though they're now part of some-f'n-else's family?

The girl's family is SUPPOSED to always be nice/respectful to the guy AND his entire F'N family - even though they might be in the wrong. WHY, PRAY?!

I think my brain is going to explode. I'm *this close* to telling B - I'm looking for a lawyer, and you go marry your mother.

((((((((heatwave)))))))) My heart truly goes out to you.

Heatwave--

Hold your dominion--where ever it may be.

Heatwave.. I am sorry to read what you are going through. I do not have any advice for you but need to tell you just one thing. Do not generalize your concept and say Indian double standards. Double standards exists everywhere. It exists in America too. I am happy you are proud to be an American but your comments on India are downright insulting to Indians.

Oh, heatwave..I feel terrible reading this. I KNOW how that feels ...

Truth hurts, LoveMyFamily.

Sakhi, thanks. How are things with you?

AM I so wrong thinking, that if two races/backgrounds/traditions mix, each will have to compromise in one way or another?
Your husband knew, that you grew up with different values/expectations/teachings, how can he just expect that you throw out EVERYTHING while he does not even make one step in your direction?

Just because you are dealing with few very screwed up Indians, will not make your assertions true.

LMF: I'm sorry if my comments rub you the wrong way. I'm really not interested in debating this with you. Please do not turn this thread into something other than what's meant to be it's focus.

Bohne: We're supposed to have a common background - we're both born and raised in India, have both been living here for almost a decade each (I've a couple years on B, though). However, our families *are* way different though - mine is admittedly dysfunctional, openly so. We don't fit the traditional Indian standard in any way. Sure, B had warned me that his is a very traditional family, and I'd been happy to conform - imagining this close knit family who kept touch (mine is close knit, but we're not the best at calling/emailing, etc.). I loved that about his family, and really wanted to be a part of it. It was only MUCH later that I learned the EXTENT of their involvement.

As far as making a step in my direction goes: I'm very grateful that no matter what he & I tussle over privately, when it comes to his parents - he is always FIRMLY in my corner. He never says a bad thing about me to them. Of course, his mother's constant carping about the terrible things my family and I do have taken root in his brain. Specially now that he sees his younger brother's wife's in-laws do all the traditional, ultra-conservative things. He has no idea that MIL TELLS these poor people to do them - literally ("please give my (MIL's) brother wife gold jewelery because they are important"). I know though, because my SIL talks to me. Less than a year of marriage (arranged) and she's already bitter.

So anyway. B's on the other coast now though, one week of three months done so far. We barely talked this whole week - only about baby M. Things are a little bit better now, though. Thank God. I cannot live with constant anger, tension. We'll be seeing him for a few days over the July 4th weekend - maybe we'll reach some resolution. Of course, I already know that that resolution does not mean that I can get away with not communicating with his parents - there's no way out of that. I'll have to be super nice, talk often, bend over backwards. Basically, make amends. Sticks in my craw. Of course, now he knows how I truly feel about his family. I let him know exactly, and in no uncertain terms.

Sorry, I just noticed.

Montana, thanks for stopping by, and for the hug.

Noddy - I'm trying, it slips from my sweaty palms every so often, but I'm trying.

Heatwave, I'm sorry to hear about the stress, but is it something of a relief to have finally been completely honest with your husband about how you feel about his family?

Feel free to blow off as much steam as you need to.

Heatwave--

Until you get the rules established, marriage is a full time job. After you agree on the ground rules, marriage is a pleasure more often than not.

Agreeing with Noddy and FreeDuck...

Sorry this is so hard, _Heatwave_.

I'm fine, Heatwave. This in-laws problem doesnt apply to me because my in-laws are wonderful (and my own parents - at least my mom - treats me like a typical filmi saansoma)... ...

But I've seen this problem happen to close friends and family....happens in the most educated families....though i don't understand why.

Heatwave,

read all your posts again. You and your husband seem to have a great relationship...Your husband's current stance must be difficult to digest - however, i think it would be a shame to let his problematic family affect your relationship.

Maybe you've already done it - but I think you should speak to him about what you don;t like to do vis-a-vis his family (such as bringing gold jewelry, following age-old norms, or tolerate constant interference) but you could take care to do it without saying what you really think about his mom. In your situation I wouldn't presecribe 100% honesty....I have seen that most Indians (be it man or woman) are pretty touchy about anyone saying unflattering things about their families esp parents....

Talk to him calmly. Maybe you'll be able to resolve this without having to bend backwards...(but I've noticed a thick skin helps as far as indian families go)..

FreeDuck: In a very small way, it does make me feel a little better. But I also feel small, bitchy. I always knew that he always knew what his mother's like. He even said to me a very long time that while he loves his mother because she's his mother, he has no respect for her. I *knew* all of that. I feel like I could have spared him some of this crap floating around, but I guess I am just saturated. Sometimes I lose it in anger - like I did on the very second day of his being away. He said something nasty about my parents - how my mum snatched her hand away from my father's at my wedding. (My dad tries to push her buttons in public sometimes, and mum won't have any of it.) So anyway, B said to me - well it was noticed by his family (groom's family at weddings are God's own entourage) and his mother was questioned about it.

Well, hell. I hit the roof, I was so mad. I was so mad that I told him something his mother had told me a very long time ago when she & I had more of a buddy-buddy relationship and I didn't know any better. She told me how she'd never loved her husband and how she liked someone else, and even imagined she was with them when she was with his dad. And I said, at least my parents are not hypocrites. They are what they are - and that's it. While I feel righteously justified in spilling those beans - mostly, I feel ashamed. I wish I'd had the strength of character to have spared him that.

So, to answer your question, FreeDuck - I just wish that a certain 'innocence' still resided in my relationship with B. Definitely have learned that *everything* need not be said out loud.

Thanks, Noddy and Sozobe.

Noddy, I truly love my husband and I love my life with him and having a family with him. It's hard to believe that we've only been married 2.5 years, know each other for +1 year. Most of the time, it *is* a pleasure. He's a good husband, a good father. It's just that this one issue needs to be laid to rest (by my making nice with his parents). That, of course, sticks in my craw, but I know that sooner or later, I'll just have to suck it up and do it. So I will. At some point. Soon.

Sakhi - it's strange that your mum treats you that way. Really strange. Why does she do that? I'm so glad your inlaws are good people.

I understand. You feel like you've stooped in some way and were unable to rise above it. I know a little something about that from my relationship with my own mother. I like sakhi's idea about coming up with some things that you just cannot bear to do and maybe trying to find some things that you can do to ease the relationship.

So is your MIL there with you now, or is this stuff just coming up now in your conversations?

She's in India right now. Has threatened to never come to my house - which, while it makes my heart sing, I know will sound the death bells for B & me. I know she's just trying to make trouble by saying crap like that, and nothing will keep her away.

As to picking out can-do/can't do things with B's family: I just have to suck it up, and do it all. There's no alternative. He knows my family, with my active encouragement, will never do all the traditional crap that his brother's inlaws do - won't even ask for them. But any/everything I am supposed to do for my inlaws, I will have to do.