How do you love someone?

Kicky, do you have housemates again/still? Have you thought about therapy?

No housemates. I've lived with many roommates, but not for a while. My last roommate was great, but then she fell in love with me and I didn't fall in love with her and that was the end of that beautiful arrangement. I've considered getting another roommate, but that seems a little drastic. Therapy costs money. Plus, I don't know if I'd do that anyway.

kicky, is it OK if I answer your question literally?

since love is a passive action there is no "way" to love someone, since you don't consciously do anything at all.

showing your love for someone is a different story, there's no right way to do this of course

and falling in love for someone else is a different story as well, there's no way to do that either, but I'd say it is a recipe including the following ingredients:

#1 personal readiness to love -- having a lot of love to give, and lacking a person to give it to

#2 detecting that the other person is interested in you and is happy to be around you

#3 some sense of initial confusion over the other person making them seem different, interesting...and leading to anticipation, doubt, excitement

#4 physical attraction and verbal "foreplay" (not necessarily sexual)

Depression
I see myself in what you write, too.

I noticed also that you made no direct comment about what I wrote. Perhaps it wasn't worthwhile for you?

Let me ask you about your relationship to family members. Do they feel you show love to them? What is the effect of your love on other members of your family? Perhaps this is you being too self critical?

Have you considered the possibility that you might be depressed? I'm not saying that you are...just that you might be.

Re: Depression

Dude, there's been four pages of answers. He cant possibly (be expected to) answer every one of them, specifically.

I'm guessing he's just listening and thinking.. as am I.

kicky old friend I'm concerned that you're not drinking enough....

Re: Depression


thanks, Dude!

Kicky, E won enough on a scratch ticket to buy you a drink in June. We'll get drunk and talk about life and love - and Walter will straighten us all out.

Ragman: What Nimh said. And yes, I have considered the possibility that I'm depressed. I'm not sure what all the actual symptoms of depression are, but I guess that is possible. When I think of people who are depressed though, I think of sad, downtrodden people, and I'm not really all that sad or downtrodden.

Bi-Polar Bear: Actually, since I quit my job, I've been drinking quite a lot. That can't be it.

ehBeth: I look forward to that, although the last time you two talked sense into me, I ended up feeling like I'd been emotionally beaten and flogged for two hours or so.

More often than not symptoms of depression can be sad or down-trodden emotions ... but it's not 100% of the time. I recall reading in your previous recent posts that you quit your job, too.

Kicky...I am no expert but it sure looks like your Depressed.

The thing is, hypothetically, let's say you KNOW you're depressed...what then? Therapy can help that. It helped me when I was depressed and I know for a fact that therapy has helped a lot of people with their depression. Does it help everyone? Nope! Will it help you? Perhaps! Can you afford to gamble? Many Depressions are as serious as are any crippling physical diseases.

If you think you can't afford it out of your own pocket, perhaps your medical coverage will pay for it? Were you full time directly working for the company (not contractor)? You probably still have health-care coverage if your previous job has given you the paperwork for extended COBRA benefits (18 months). It will cost about $300-$350 month for continuation of the benefits.

Before I prattle on some more, what do you think of this idea?

Well, Ragman, I looked it up. Here are the symptoms of depresssion, from wikipedia.

Symptoms

According to the[7]DSM-IV-TR criteria for diagnosing a major depressive disorder (cautionary statement) one of the following two elements must be present for a period of at least two weeks:

Depressed mood, or Anhedonia: I do get depressed at times, but not for extended periods.

It is sufficient to have either of these symptoms in conjunction with five of a list of other symptoms over a two-week period. These include:

Feelings of overwhelming sadness and/or fear, or the seeming inability to feel emotion (emptiness). Yeah, I feel that emptiness sometimes.

A decrease in the amount of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, daily activities. Yep, I think that applies.

Changing appetite and marked weight gain or loss. Not really. I've gained five pounds in the last week, but that's just because I'm on a different eating schedule since I'm not working anymore.

Disturbed sleep patterns, such as insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or excessive sleep (hypersomnia). Nope, not at all. Well, I don't know if I'm losing REM sleep. I don't ever have dreams--is that a sign of loss of REM sleep?

Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. Absolutely. But I've been chewing my fingers for years. Nothing new there.

Fatigue, mental or physical, also loss of energy. I don't know about this one. I don't think so.

Intense feelings of guilt, nervousness, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, isolation/loneliness and/or anxiety. I have those feelings, but I don't think they are very intense, so I'd probably go with a "no" on this one

Trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions or a generalized slowing and obtunding of cognition, including memory. Yep, maybe a little bit of that

Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), desire to just "lie down and die" or "stop breathing", recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide. Nope. Not at all.

Feeling and/or fear of being abandoned by those close to one. Nope. Mostly because I sort of feel like I've already been abandoned. Or maybe I did the abandoning. Either way, nothing to fear there anymore.

Other symptoms often reported but not usually taken into account in diagnosis include:

Self-loathing. Oh yeah.

A decrease in self-esteem. Oh yeah.

Inattention to personal hygiene. Nope.

Sensitivity to noise. Nope.

Physical aches and pains, and the belief these may be signs of serious illness. Nope.

Fear of 'going mad'. Nope.

Change in perception of time. Not sure what this one even means, so I'll go with "nope."

Periods of sobbing. Nope.

Possible behavioral changes, such as aggression and/or irritability. I don't think so. Probably a "nope" on this one too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So there. My self-diagnosis is done. And judging by this very simple test, I'd say I'm not depressed. Don't you agree?

Thanks for your concern though.

that's because you had to go home and unpack everything you'd packed

~~~~

we'll try to be gentler


<note to self, don't have the third large g&t>

kicky: You would know you the best.

I am sincerely concerned...though it sounds so odd as we've been part of this same invisible community. But after all..we've both been on Abuzz and here -- hanging in this same lounge for about 8 years.

From the way you answered the list of questions, you're probably right that you're not depressed. That isn't to say, though, that you wouldn't benefit from seeing a psychologist for a 'tune-up' or a reality check of sorts. I know you're adverse to it, but I think it can help set you in a good direction.

Better yet, have one close friend or relative that you can meet with and bounce stuff off of?

I can relate as I'm currently broke, not working now myself and not in a committed relationship.

Thank you Ragman. I'm not really that worried about me. How are you doing though? It seems like you might be depressed. Are you?

Don't worry about it. I can handle it. Especially if there is free alcohol involved.

Kicky, are you happy with the life you lead, or are you looking to
change it?

kicky:

Thanks, I'm ok. Not too much of a problem I'm adjusting expectations. I am just adjusting my activity level and getting outside more helps that. making some good networking contacts. I'm only a job offer and a nice date (with my current date) away from a big smile.

<-------------------------------------|
Hey look at that face...(pointing to avatar) -- face only a mutha could love

Happy? Hmmmm...I would say that I'm unsatisfied with certain aspects of it, but no, I wouldn't go so far as to say I am unhappy with it. But I'd like to change certain things.

Like for instance, I don't know how to get close with people anymore (or maybe I just don't want to for some unknown reason), and that means I'm alone a lot. I'd like to change that. I think.

Ragman, you're welcome. And yes, I agree that getting outside, exercising, being active....that's all good stuff for a bad mood. Keep that crazy-looking alien chin up.

Kicky, did you read the article in today's NYT about co-ops in NYC that have this major social component?

It sounds like they could be pricey, maybe too pricey (not sure), but I would so recommend it. I'm interested in happiness research and one of the best indicators is how social a person is. Less social = less happy. More social = more happy.

What sounds great about these places is that there is no particular effort involved. You go downstairs for your (free) breakfast. Other people are there. You chat. Social connections happen, without having to be forced.

Work often provides that, but you've been bouncing around lately, which I know makes it harder to make friends.

What happened to Italian classes?

No Soz, I didn't see that. Couldn't find it online either, but I'm not interested in forced socializing anyway. Thanks anyway.

Yeah, I have thought about taking italian again, but everytime it comes to actually signing up for a class, I decide that I'm not committed enough anymore to make it worthwhile. I think the next semester at the school I used to go to starts in June. I'm somewhat ambivalent about that right now.

Ah, well, things will change. They always do. I think this is just a temporary "hermit" phase that I'm going through. It will pass.