Why does my hubby want me to see him looking at other women?

Re: Why does my hubby want me to see him looking at other wo
This is the original Post that I made:

Elfa Wild wrote:

My husband and I are in our very early 40's and married 6 years now. Ever since we've been together, he's gawped at other women (either on the street or in magazines and on the internet... all the same to me) he's nearly rear-ended someone looking at two girls in short shorts, yanked his hand from mine and walked backward to watch some woman in the mall, stopped in mid sentence/word to stare at a woman on TV, and missed two green lights watching a woman exercising in her back yard.
With the internet, he used to save photos in a folder called "My Porn Pics." then acted surprised that I knew about it... (it wasn't hidden at all... it was a folder on our desktop!
I understand that "guys look," heck.. i look too! but I don't let him see. I know it bothers him to think that I might look and I think it's just mean of him because I've talked (several times)to him about how I feel about it.
So ... what's his deal?

I think somehow I've not been as clear as i thought I had been.

WE are the ones who are looking for answers.
I am the one asking the question here.
He does it though he knows I don't like it.
He tells me that he doesn't know why he does it because he sees that it hurts me but he doesn't quit.
Appearantly he thinks it's OK or that it SHOULD be ok.

My question.. the actual question that I should have let be the entire post in the first place:

Why does my husband seem to want me to see him looking at other women.

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Quote:

because he sees that it hurts me

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What makes you say so?

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Becaue he keeps doing it.

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<nodding at Chai's and joenation's posts>

Elfa, it goes something like this:

There are at least two different questions here. One is, "Is it OK for a man to gawk at other women in the presence of his wife?" I think it's safe to say that the answer of most everyone here is, "Not if it bothers his wife." There isn't some empirical, context-free answer there.

So, we know it bothers you. That means it's not OK. The next question is, "Why does he do it even though it bothers you?" We can speculate, and we've done so. The speculation has led to the fact that there are major issues between you two. Those major issues need to be dealt with. Counseling is the way to do it. You have counseling lined up.

Let us know how it goes...

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Reading along here, I decided to look up Asperger's, even though I already know it is part of the series of autism related syndromes.

Here's a quote from this link -
http://www.aspergers.com/aspclin.htm
Asperger's Disorder is a milder variant of Autistic Disorder. Both Asperger's Disorder and Autistic Disorder are in fact subgroups of a larger diagnostic category. This larger category is called either Autistic Spectrum Disorders, mostly in European countries, or Pervasive Developmental Disorders ("PDD"), in the United States. In Asperger's Disorder, affected individuals are characterized by social isolation and eccentric behavior in childhood. There are impairments in two-sided social interaction and non-verbal communication. Though grammatical, their speech is peculiar due to abnormalities of inflection and a repetitive pattern. Clumsiness is prominent both in their articulation and gross motor behavior. They usually have a circumscribed area of interest which usually leaves no space for more age appropriate, common interests. Some examples are cars, trains, French Literature, door knobs, hinges, cappucino, meteorology, astronomy or history. The name "Asperger" comes from Hans Asperger, an Austrian physician who first described the syndrome in 1944. An excellent translation of Dr. Asperger's original paper is provided by Dr. Uta Frith in her Autism and Asperger Syndrome.

end/quote

I don't know how valid that link is, am no expert, but it makes me wonder if this gawping behavior is related to the Asperger's.

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Yeah, I wondered about that early on too, osso. I'm familiar with Asperger's in children, but not so much in how it manifests itself in adults. Time to do some reading...

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Ok, I found THIS which might or might not apply here.

Quote:

Typical adult symptoms

More males than females have Asperger syndrome. While every person who has the syndrome will experience different symptoms and severity of symptoms, some of the more common characteristics include:

* Average or above average intelligence
* Inability to think in abstract ways
* Difficulties in empathising with others
* Problems with understanding another person's point of view
* Hampered conversational ability
* Problems with controlling feelings such as anger, depression and anxiety
* Adherence to routines and schedules, and stress if expected routine is disrupted
* Inability to manage appropriate social conduct
* Specialised fields of interest or hobbies.

The emotions of other people

A person with Asperger syndrome may have trouble understanding the emotions of other people, and the subtle messages that are sent by facial expression, eye contact and body language are often missed. Because of this, a person with Asperger syndrome might be seen as egotistical, selfish or uncaring. These are unfair labels, because the affected person is neurologically unable to understand other people's emotional states. They are usually shocked, upset and remorseful when told their actions were hurtful or inappropriate.
Sexual codes of conduct

Research into the sexual understanding of people with Asperger syndrome is in its infancy. Studies suggest that affected people are as interested in sex as anyone else, but many don't have the social or empathetic skills to successfully manage adult relationships.

Delayed understanding is common; for example, a person with Asperger syndrome aged in their 20s typically has the sexual codes of conduct befitting a teenager. Even affected people who are high achieving and academically or vocationally successful have trouble negotiating the 'hidden rules' of courtship. Inappropriate sexual behaviour can result.
Being a partner and parent

Some affected people can maintain relationships and parent children, although there are challenges. Dutch research suggests that the divorce rate for people with Asperger syndrome is around 80 per cent.

A common marital problem is unfair distribution of responsibilities. For example, the partner of a person with Asperger syndrome may be used to doing everything in the relationship when it is just the two of them. However, the partner may need practical and emotional support once children come along, which the person with Asperger syndrome is ill equipped to provide. When the partner expresses frustration or becomes upset that they're given no help of any kind, the person with Asperger syndrome is typically baffled. Tension in the relationship often makes their symptoms worse.

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That seems apropo to me, but of course I don't know. I think talking with an appropriate consultant, perhaps a psychiatrist who specializes in this field, would be a good idea.

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You need to send a clear signal to this guy to make him stop this childish behavior. I say you glue his dick to his leg while he's asleep.

I didn't read much past the first post of this thread, so please forgive me if this suggestion has already been made.

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Meanwhile, I agree that further insight into Asperger's, such as working with a professional in that field, could be really useful. It could be that standard interpersonal stuff won't work, and something more specific is needed.

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Why does my hubby want me to see him looking at other women?

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