Why does my hubby want me to see him looking at other women?

And what's the story behind his first and second wives anyway? You said earlier that they left him for others but do you know anymore details? Not that you have to share them with us but, I'm guessing that there's a tie-in somewhere. Especially with wife #2 leaving him for a woman and his desire to see you with a woman.

Of course, I'm only speculating. There's no Dr. in front of my name.

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Elfa Wild wrote:

eoe wrote:
Hell no. This is your thread!

Huh??

I was referring to your offer to DADPAD about toning yourself down in future posts. This is your thread. Express yourself however you choose.

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sozobe wrote:

Elfa, did you get my point that even if he's stopped talking about threesomes, he might not have stopped thinking about them... a lot?

Are there any objections to going to counseling together to try to figure this stuff out?

What I see is that he thinks he's already compromising by staying faithful and not pressing the threesome issue; since he feels he's already given up a lot, he doesn't want to give up that last thing (gawking). The whole "I'm not dead" thing. I think it might also be his way of needling you, reminding you what he really wants (whether he's doing that consciously or not).

(holy cow.. how did I miss your post?? I'm really sorry!)
Anyway... I have asked him a few times if he wants to go back to that lifestyle... however... the councelor that we saw before got me to tell him that if he did I'd leave him....(I wish I hadn't said that, but I don't want to have that lifestyle any more.) and maybe that coloured his answer when he said no... Also.. I was the one who said he wa married and not dead and he could look it was normal to look but taht I felt like crap when he was so blatant about it....
see what i'm saying?

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That wasn't clear from context, who said "married not dead."

Why didn't he stop then?

He has all the info he needs to stop... but he doesn't.

Again, are there any objections to going to counseling together? You say you went before, but sounds like you're not going now. If not, why not?

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Quote:

I'm just honestly trying to understand what you're saying here while giving an idea of how women actually "hear" those words.... sorry if i went into too much detail earlier for you, Dadpad.... I thought it was important to what i was being asked at the time. I will refrain from such outbursts unless asked specifically. Fair enough?

no that is not "fair enough". Whist i am typing up my response you post a whole heap more information that sheds a very different light on the subject and probably makes my original comments obsolete.
The end story is that no-one here can ever really know whats going on inside your husbands head and it wont make any difference how much of your side of the story (the way you see things) you tell.

It could be lot of things like your husband is afraid of loosing you )like the other two and tries to make up for it with an I can have anyone I want attitude.
It could be you dont show enough passion.
it could be he wants you to stand up for yourself and say I'm not taking this anymore.
It could be he just never learned that you need to treat women with repect.
It could be he's just an arsehole.
It could be any one of those or any one of a hundred other reasons.

You wont find the answer you are looking at a computer screen. If talking about this with him doesn't yield results then soz's sensible suggestion of professional counselling is the way to go.

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eoe wrote:

And what's the story behind his first and second wives anyway? You said earlier that they left him for others but do you know anymore details? Not that you have to share them with us but, I'm guessing that there's a tie-in somewhere. Especially with wife #2 leaving him for a woman and his desire to see you with a woman.

Of course, I'm only speculating. There's no Dr. in front of my name.

The first wife was with him for something like 12 years, they got married because she got pregnant. Nine years later she decided that she didn't want to be a wife and mother any more, dropped the kids off at school and left... for her boyfriend's house. I got that story from the woman herself.

The second one was so bad that even their marriage councelor told him to leave her. She refused to give him anything he wanted sexually unless he fulfilled her "tickle fetish" first, she complained all the time about not really liking to have to have sex with him anyway... and never allowed actual penetration claiming that it hurt too much even though she had no problem with artificial means. She finally left him for woman.

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[qoute]If talking about this with him doesn't yield results then soz's sensible suggestion of professional counselling is the way to go.[/quote]

we now have a bit more of the story and you have already seen a councillor.

I'm going to bed I'll come back next week when the rest of your crap has been unloaded.

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She said she saw a counsellor "before," can't tell if she's seeing one now. (Elfa?)

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dadpad wrote:

no that is not "fair enough". Whist i am typing up my response you post a whole heap more information that sheds a very different light on the subject and probably makes my original comments obsolete.
The end story is that no-one here can ever really know whats going on inside your husbands head and it wont make any difference how much of your side of the story (the way you see things) you tell. /quote]

If this thread is that frustrating for you maybe you shouldn't be reading it. Thanks for trying though... it was nice of you.

Oh.. and just for your peace of mind, I have talked with him.

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sozobe wrote:

She said she saw a counsellor "before," can't tell if she's seeing one now. (Elfa?)

no, no other councellor.

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OK. And why not?

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You know.. I really hope I'm not so frustrating to the rest of you... If I am, it's not intentional. I'm just not sure what information is needed until someone brings something up....

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Sure, I understand that...

That's actual exactly why I'm suggesting professional counseling. There are obviously many layers, and many serious issues, and there is just no way we're going to be able to efficiently get all of the information that is necessary. And that's quite aside from whether we're qualified to do anything in particular with that information if, somehow, we managed to get it all.

So... why not counseling?

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sozobe:
He agreed to counceling but insisted that it be a female councelor because he said he wouldn't be truthful with a male councelor.

So I go through the 11 female councelors in our area and find the ONE who's taking new patients.

He makes a date with another woman for the day we're supposed to go fo the first time but cancels the date after the session.

We go three times, the councelro gets me to finally tell him that I can't stand that lifestyle and won't do it again...and that if he insists i'll leave.

next thing I know, he's claiming that it's the "shrink" that his most recent ex was seeing and he didn't trust her any more.

He refused to go any more.

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Have you brought it up since?

Are you willing to continue with things as they are? If not, why do you think they will change?

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yeah.. we've talked about it since and an aquaintence. who is a councelor and in school to become a psychiatrist has agreed to councel us.

but... he's been doing this since we've been together....

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OK... so this means you ARE going to start counseling again...?

Elfa, do you want to stay with this guy? If it's just that you want to leave and you're looking for validation, leave already.

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I got a phonecall just before i answered your post.. oddly enough it was the woman telling me that she can take us on for counceling. Last I'd heard it didn't look like she'd be able to.

I do NOT want to leave my husband. If I wanted to leave... i'd have been gone already.

We (my husband and I) only wondered what would make a guy think that it's ok to blatantly gawp at other women in front of his wife.

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OK I'm starting to get a little frustrated. Laughing

You started this because your husband wants to know why a guy thinks it would be OK to openly gawk at other women in front of his wife?

He can't tell you why he thinks it's OK?

DOES he think it's OK, or is he just doing it even though he knows it's not OK with you?

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(Great about counseling though. I'm confused about what's going on here exactly, but as long as you have a professional counselor lined up, my confusion doesn't matter much... ;-))

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Why does my hubby want me to see him looking at other women?

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