Why does my hubby want me to see him looking at other women?

Elfa Wild wrote:

and then dropped the big bomb... he wanted us to have a girlfriend. to share. at the same time....

I only just read the whole thread, this is what I was thinking when I read your first post. That he was feeling you out, seeing what your reaction was. If you say "wow, she IS sexy," or if you say "yuck."

It really seems like this is the current central issue. He's obsessed with threesomes. You don't like the idea. He knows you don't like the idea. He woke up enough to see that a very bad experience hurt you and was willing to stop for a while. But he's still obsessed.

That hurdle needs to be cleared before you can move on, I think. Counselling might help.

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eoe wrote:

Perhaps your husband is built from the same stuff as those who like to watch their partners have sex with other people? Or like to have sex with other people while their partners watch? When you all were having your threesome, surely someone spent some time watching the other two, correct?

Actually... I spent little time active in it. but I didn't watch either...
The three somes tended to be my husband wanting me to do the other woman orally while he kissed her (so he's not watching) and I didn't really even want to be there so I kind of faked it... hurried her through and found a reason to leave the room.. she'd try all kinds of ways to get him off, Fail.. and I'd have to come back so he could send her out of the room so he could....finish.

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Wow, plenty of fodder for armchair psychologists there.

Like, that he wants to stray/ have variety but is deeply guilty if it's anyone but you (the other woman's failure to bring him to orgasm) so you have to be there for him to finish. Eek.

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Quote:

However.. that sweet and gracious "Ya see.. more story. and ther'll be more to come yet. What a waste of time." that I got from him after going deeper into our lives to try to answer a question that was asked and thinking that perhaps some of what we've been through might help clarify our relationship in general was rather rude.

Truth hurts!

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Perhaps it is a waste of time to you, deadpan. I can appreciate your feeling that way. So why are you still here?

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Kicky's gonna kick himself for missing this one -- gus, too!

Elfa Wild, welcome to A2K.

In your heart of hearts, what would you like the situation with your husband to be? Once you know precisely what you're looking for, ask yourself (and then ask him) if that's possible within your relationship. You can't change your husband, you can let him know that his actions bother you (which you've already done). Only he can decide if he's willing to try to change himself. The Asperger's diagnosis might or might not be significant to his ability to change but the depression can, and probably should, be treated. This is more than you can do on your own. Even though you can't realistically force him into therapy, you can guide him in that direction. In the end, however, it really does need to come from him.

Good luck!

Why does eoe keep calling dadpad, deadpan? Did I miss something?

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Holy smokes! It IS dadpad, huh?

Sorry. Rolling Eyes

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eoe wrote:

Holy smokes! It IS dadpad, huh?

Sorry.

I couldnt think of anything to do with your username eoe or I would have given it straight back. Laughing

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JPB,
I know what you're talking about. I know what I'd like it to be... and I never thought I was asking too much: Not to have to see my husband getting excited over other women. then the threesome crap started.
So now that it's stopped I'd like it to be that I don't have to see my husband get excited over other women anymore....
All I'm really asking is that he refrain from being so obvious when we together.

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Elfa, did you get my point that even if he's stopped talking about threesomes, he might not have stopped thinking about them... a lot?

Are there any objections to going to counseling together to try to figure this stuff out?

What I see is that he thinks he's already compromising by staying faithful and not pressing the threesome issue; since he feels he's already given up a lot, he doesn't want to give up that last thing (gawking). The whole "I'm not dead" thing. I think it might also be his way of needling you, reminding you what he really wants (whether he's doing that consciously or not).

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From what Elfa said about his father, it sounds to me like a simple case of "being a man". I've told the story before about having known several men who cheat on their wives simply because they believe that it's what men are supposed to do. It's all tied up in how they were raised and what they were taught about being a real man and what real men do.

Elfa, to him it may seem like when you're asking him to stop this behavior, you're asking him to stop being a man.

But I also see something else in his insistence on behaving this way in your presence. He wants you to see him "being a man". Does he have any reason to feel that he has to prove his manhood to you?

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dadpad wrote:

Mans eye view;
Its actually a compliment to you. In several ways.

Ok.. but I have questions pertaining to this...

dadpad wrote:

you make me feel like a great big strong MAN and that of course means I can have any one. (even though I know I can't and wouldn't).

Ok.. i can dig it... I make him feel confident and studly.

dadpad wrote:

2. but of course I resist the temptation because you are my one and only.

Cool enough.. so you're saying that by gawping at other women, making a fool of yourself (ok.. to girls you look like and eejit) you're showing me that you're actually resisting the temptation to go after her because you think I'm all that and worth it???

dadpad wrote:

3. You, my special girl, are no longer to be viewed and thought of as a just a piece of eye candy, even though you are. I can look at girls on the Internet and don't need to care about them. I definitely dont want you to be like them. I'd love it if occasionally you did something a bit racy but not too often or too "much" otherwise you become like them and will not keep my respect.

Well.. he DOES like me to be "racy" ... and often.... but in other words by looking at other women, even when we're together, you're trying to tell me that I'm not just a piece of meat to you any more???

4. You make me feel sexy and I want you to know that. see how sexy. I also want you know that if you don't take good care of me I might just stray (even though I probably wouldn't I want you to think that I might)[/quote]
So I make you feel so sexy that you just can't help window shopping and making me feel like a worn out shoe?

Mind you, I'm just honestly trying to understand what you're saying here while giving an idea of how women actually "hear" those words.... sorry if i went into too much detail earlier for you, Dadpad.... I thought it was important to what i was being asked at the time. I will refrain from such outbursts unless asked specifically. Fair enough?

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Hell no. This is your thread!

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I agree with that -- it sounds like he could consider affairs part of "manhood" BUT knows that they wreak havoc and so can't quite bring himself to do it. That the threesome is his way of being a "man" but including his wife. (Not that she wants to be included.) (The hurtful experience could be what finally destroyed that fantasy -- there was no way he could pretend she was enjoying herself after that.)

But I still think that the gawking is a symptom, not the central issue. And that the central issue needs to be addressed.

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("I agree with that" was addressed to eoe's post about "being a man.")

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I think the central issue is his idea of what a real man ism how he was raised and what he saw his daddy do.

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eoe,
If I have ever given him the idea that I see him as less than a man I am not aware of it. Perhaps his first and second wife could answer that one.

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Elfa, I'm starting to wonder why you haven't replied to me yet.

Your husband definitely has issues, no doubt. You seem ill-used, and I sympathize. But I don't think a simple "he's wrong, you're right, and he better deal" will solve things -- and I'm starting to wonder if that's the only feedback you'll listen to.

Why does my hubby want me to see him looking at other women?

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