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Fri 6 Apr, 2007 06:03 am
My husband and I are in our very early 40's and married 6 years now. Ever since we've been together, he's gawped at other women (either on the street or in magazines and on the internet... all the same to me) he's nearly rear-ended someone looking at two girls in short shorts, yanked his hand from mine and walked backward to watch some woman in the mall, stopped in mid sentence/word to stare at a woman on TV, and missed two green lights watching a woman exercising in her back yard.
With the internet, he used to save photos in a folder called "My Porn Pics." then acted surprised that I knew about it... (it wasn't hidden at all... it was a folder on our desktop!
I understand that "guys look," heck.. i look too! but I don't let him see. I know it bothers him to think that I might look and I think it's just mean of him because I've talked (several times)to him about how I feel about it.
So ... what's his deal?
His behavior seems more like a teenager's than that of a guy in his 40s. Sure, you're right, lots of people look. But it should take a lot for someone of that age to, well, almost get into an accident. That's just plain not thinking. Has he never seen a woman's leg before?
And him thinking that you would not see a folder right on your desktop (with that title, yet), is mind-boggling. It's kind of like throwing a full course dinner on the floor, letting it rot for a week, and wondering why you saw or smelled the mess. It's simply to deny reality, although I suppose you have to give him a few points for not trying to hide it, although personally I'd be wondering if such things were being tossed out there so that the really bad stuff could be better concealed. As in, perhaps he threw you a bone, figured you'd stop looking, and in the back, in the dark, there's something worse (what's worse? I dunno, what's worse to you? Child porn? Violent porn? Gay porn? Violent but nonpornographic pics? Something else? I dunno, I'm asking you).
I'd ask him. Just, flat out. Ask.
* What are these pictures?
And as for the gawking thing, I'd talk to him about that, too. This more or less is the way I'd put it:
* I know you like to look, and it may surprise you, but I look, too. However, when you're driving, you have to keep your eyes on the road. Period, end of story. This is our personal safety that I am talking about. I wouldn't want you to take your eyes off the road to look at a nice-looking car or a bunch of pretty trees, either. If you do this when you are alone in the car, I cannot ask you to control your actions, although I can advise you to do so. But when I (or your children, if you have any) am a passenger, I must insist that you keep your eyes on the road, or I will do all of the driving from now on.
Now, personally, I'm not a fan of this solution as it forces you to be the one doing all the driving and you might not want to do that. It also makes you the grownup in this situation. But really, if you're dealing with a person acting like a teenager, it can be a way to go.
Well... all of the incidents that I've listed were done in my presence.
I did confront him about the photos on the computer and he deleted them.
You said "And him thinking that you would not see a folder right on your desktop (with that title, yet), is mind-boggling. " and that just what I'm talking about! I don't believe that he didn't expect me to not see it. I think he knew very well that I would and that I would say somehting about it. But why?? I don't care if he looks... i don't care if he looks at porn once in a while... so what? but when I have to be pointedly ignored so that he can make sure that I see him doing it it really gets on my nerves. you know what i mean?
I really don't think there's anything darker lurking. In the 8 years we've been together I've talked to him several time about these subjects.... to no avail...
I just don't get it.
Your description of him gawping at women....he must look like a total imbecile.
As jespah said, he sounds VERY immature
What are the womens reaction?
True, I'll admit I've been flattered when a man has given me an appreciative glance, but I've also had men gawp at me, and it's creepy as hell. It literally makes my skin crawl.
Are you sure he looks at women because he really appreciates them, or because he thinks that's a way a man is supposed to act?
I have a friend, now divorced, who was married to a man for years that had this problem.
It seems that everything he had ever learned about sex was from porno movies. My friend said they could never just make love, it was always staged. She had me rolling on the floor one day showing me how he would turn his body and face a certain way when he did different things, like their was always a camera on them. Pardon my bluntness, but he could never just have oral sex with her, he had to turn in face in a certain way so this invisible camera could capture his face, his tongue and her privates.
He totally believed that women were ready and anxious for sex at any time of the day or night, because that's how they are in porno movies. He claimed she was frigid because she did not rip her clothes off and start panting, squealing and screaming at the drop of a hat.
What is your husbands background? Does any of this sound familiar?
Chai...
I do wonder if he thinks men are supposed to act this way... but not from porn movies... but from his father....
He told me recently about a time when he and his brother (he was 9 his brother 6) and their dad were out running errands and his dad kept pointing out women to them. That his dad Always looked at women, and that his dad had even hit on his aunt after his folks were married.
Elfa--
Welcome to A2K.
I agree with Jespah that this Gawking Studly Behavior is far more typical of a teenager than a mature man.
All the same, your husband is a little socially retarded and you'll have to deal with it.
I get the feeling that you're tired of ignoring his conspicuous voyeuristic episodes?
Sincere "darling-this-really-bothers-me" talk doesn't do any good?
Have you considered fighting Actions Speak with your own brand of Actions Speak? If he interrupts a conversation to droll at a tee vee dolly, leave the room.
At the mall or in the car, at the very least, stop talking to him. I don't mean an angry, resentful silence, but a "I have nothing to say to immaturity" silence.
He's going to bitch and moan that you are the unreasonable one; that every studly man has a wandering eye; that--gasp!--you're jealous.
Explain that you may be unreasonable, but you are tired of having your feelings hurt and tired of living with a man who doesn't care when he hurts your feelings.
Is this Studly Wandering Eye the only problem in your marriage or are there others?
Elfa- So he had a rotten role model. The man still has choices. He does not have to behave like his father.
Personally, I think that he needs to work this out with a professional. If he learned from his dad, who hit on his aunt, maybe your husband thinks that it is perfectly appropriate for him to hit on other women too.
Do you have any inkling that he has not been faithful?
Mans eye view;
Its actually a compliment to you. In several ways.
1 you make me feel like a great big strong MAN and that of course means I can have any one. (even though I know I can't and wouldn't).
2. but of course I resist the temptation because you are my one and only.
3. You, my special girl, are no longer to be viewed and thought of as a just a piece of eye candy, even though you are. I can look at girls on the Internet and don't need to care about them. I definitely dont want you to be like them. I'd love it if occasionally you did something a bit racy but not too often or too "much" otherwise you become like them and will not keep my respect.
4. You make me feel sexy and I want you to know that. see how sexy. I also want you know that if you don't take good care of me I might just stray (even though I probably wouldn't I want you to think that I might)
dadpad wrote:Mans eye view;
Its actually a compliment to you. In several ways.
1 you make me feel like a great big strong MAN and that of course means I can have any one. (even though I know I can't and wouldn't).
2. but of course I resist the temptation because you are my one and only.
3. You, my special girl, are no longer to be viewed and thought of as a just a piece of eye candy, even though you are. I can look at girls on the Internet and don't need to care about them. I definitely dont want you to be like them. I'd love it if occasionally you did something a bit racy but not too often or too "much" otherwise you become like them and will not keep my respect.
4. You make me feel sexy and I want you to know that. see how sexy. I also want you know that if you don't take good care of me I might just stray (even though I probably wouldn't I want you to think that I might)
Ready, Dadpad? Is this how you treat your wife to make her feel good about herself? Would you want your daughter to marry a man who did this behavior? I would like hear from other men. Personally, I think it is very disrespectful and I can't imagine my husband being so rude to me.
dadpad, there's still the level to which he is taking it.
I've seen more than once or twice my husband let's say, glance over at a woman, and have no problem with it. As you alluded to, it reminds me he's still a man, and appreciates beauty, and he's chosen to be with me, ergo I'm beautiful. But that's a glance.
However, when a person is potentially causing a car accident, has his eyes popping out of his head and is saying AOOOOGA!!!, that's way over the top.
oh yeah, I was going to ask in my first post what his father was like.
True, he has a choice, but if he idolized his dad (don't know if he did), he might think that's how men are supposed to be.
Ok.... here's more of the story:
He's been married two other times, both wives left him, one for another man the second for another woman. He was left raising two girls.
He Does have Asperger's Syndrome (Noddy24 mentioned social retardation)
I thought we were doing well enough other than his gawping... then one day he well... He'd been rather depressed for several days and we'd gotten into an argument just as I and the girls were on our way out the door to go to a parade that our club was marching in at 10 am. I thought he'd want to come watch us in support and he was angry for... who knows why.
Anyway... we were only gone about 2 hours and when we got back he was gone. I knew he was on foot because I had the only car at the time.
We were supposed to go to his cousin's baby's 1st birthday party at 3 and by 2:30 he still wasn't home I took the girls to the party, told his Mom he was missing and what happened and went home.... I called everyone we know and no one had heard from him....
I fretted, called again, pace.... and finally about 8pm he comes home.. when i asked him where he'd been he tells me it's none of my business.
general yelling and stuff ensues, and finally I get him to talk to me a little....
That's when he says he'd been feeling depressed... that he'd been thinking about jumping off a local bridge.... and then dropped the big bomb... he wanted us to have a girlfriend. to share. at the same time....
And then... I did something that NOW i know was very very very stupid. I said "ok." I was crushed. Everything I'd ever believed was true about us was ruined. Everything I'd thought was true about people who loved eachother was crushed.. you know?
Well... to shorten the tale, we did this for about two years... had a VERY bad experience and stopped. It was even his insistance that we stop.
He says he doesn't know why he did that.. why he'd hurt me like that etc.etc. but he won't talk at all about it.... and he still does all this gawping that i was talking about to begin with.... we're both trying to figure it out.....
well that'll be the last time I ever attempt to give a mans eye view!
You Might not like it but thats what is going on. He just doesnt see it from your side.
Quote:Is this how you treat your wife to make her feel good about herself?
Dont get personal GW. I didnt say he was right What I said was this is what he could be thinking.
Quote:Would you want your daughter to marry a man who did this behavior?
I would be happy with anyone who make my daughter happy. I would also have no say anyhow so what I want doent come into it.
Quote:I would like hear from other men
Well you've got buckley cahance of that now.
Quote:Personally, I think it is very disrespectful
About as disrespectfull as being unable to accept the opinions of others.
Please note I did not condone the actions, offer solutions or attempt to "fix" the problem. What I did was give a couple of possible reasons for this man to be acting this way.
I happen to think its pretty damn stupid to post personal relationship problems on the internet. One side of the story and never the whole story . go talk to your man and tell him how you feel that might actually solve your problem.
Ya see.. more story. and ther'll be more to come yet.
What a waste of time.
I was told this story by an aquaintance a few years ago:
This woman was going out with a guy who gawked at women. He would even go so far as to make verbal comments about women, in her company, as they walked by. She decided instead of mentioning anything to him she would do the same when men walked by. She gawked, made comments about their packages, etc. The boyfriend stopped immediately.
I believe men do it because they think they can get away with it.
Maybe you ought to do the same and see how nervous he gets?
Sorry deadpan. As I read the posts, I was hoping that you hadn't yet read Green Witch's post. For whatever reason, she took you to be in defense of Elfa's husband's behavior when, of course, you weren't. What man would be?
Green Witch-don't be so quick to jump down someone's throat. I, for one, think that you owe deadpan an apology for assuming that he's a nitwit.
Green Witch wrote:dadpad wrote:Mans eye view;
Its actually a compliment to you. In several ways.
1 you make me feel like a great big strong MAN and that of course means I can have any one. (even though I know I can't and wouldn't).
2. but of course I resist the temptation because you are my one and only.
3. You, my special girl, are no longer to be viewed and thought of as a just a piece of eye candy, even though you are. I can look at girls on the Internet and don't need to care about them. I definitely dont want you to be like them. I'd love it if occasionally you did something a bit racy but not too often or too "much" otherwise you become like them and will not keep my respect.
4. You make me feel sexy and I want you to know that. see how sexy. I also want you know that if you don't take good care of me I might just stray (even though I probably wouldn't I want you to think that I might)
Ready, Dadpad? Is this how you treat your wife to make her feel good about herself? Would you want your daughter to marry a man who did this behavior? I would like hear from other men. Personally, I think it is very disrespectful and I can't imagine my husband being so rude to me.
Don't be
too hard on DadPad, GreenWitch. We all know that men and women think about sex and relationships very differently. He did specify that it was "a man's point of view." We don't have to like it.
However.. that sweet and gracious "Ya see.. more story. and ther'll be more to come yet. What a waste of time." that I got from him after going deeper into our lives to try to answer a question that was asked and thinking that perhaps some of what we've been through might help clarify our relationship in general was rather rude.
Now... The trouble I'm having has been discussed with my husband. He says he doesn't know whey he still does it even though he knows my feelings on it. He married not dead... I don't expect him to stop looking.. I look... but I do think that it should be curbed when we're together. Again... the actual question was : why does he seem to want me to see him? I have to admit.. that DadPad did offer some insight.. and I do plan on having my husband read his post and see if anything clicks.
Thanks to everyone for posting too! it's somthing I've been trying a long time to figure out.
Perhaps your husband is built from the same stuff as those who like to watch their partners have sex with other people? Or like to have sex with other people while their partners watch? When you all were having your threesome, surely someone spent some time watching the other two, correct?
Gala wrote:I was told this story by an aquaintance a few years ago:
This woman was going out with a guy who gawked at women. He would even go so far as to make verbal comments about women, in her company, as they walked by. She decided instead of mentioning anything to him she would do the same when men walked by. She gawked, made comments about their packages, etc. The boyfriend stopped immediately.
I believe men do it because they think they can get away with it.
Maybe you ought to do the same and see how nervous he gets?
Actually, I have. About two years into our relationship. He just got really mad. Didn't stop.
Elfa Wild wrote:Actually, I have. About two years into our relationship. He just got really mad. Didn't stop.
How long did you keep it up? I'd let him get so mad that the top of his head would pop off. Unless, of course, you're afraid that he'll get violent.
Elfa, surely you were well aware of this behavior when you were dating, right? Didn't it bother you then? Did you two talk about it then? If you accepted his behavior then, why?
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