Oh no. Counseling with a college girlfriend? Pull-ease.
Some of you sound like you don't remember 23.
The baby boomer comment is not meant to be read into as much as you are blacksmithn. If an older person were to make a statement about my generation, should I object as you do? Relax, no offense is intended. It's not meant to be taken personal.
Where's the hate? How about tact instead. Your advice is so very easy to throw out over the net, but the birden of consequence falls on me. Forgive me for making further inquerry. People here act as if I question their information, that in someway I am attacking their experiance and credibility! My caution to take advise here is very understandable, and it is less me undermining anyone's experiance. Forgive me for indulging in the marketplace of ideas. If I don't buy what your selling the secon I step in your store, don't fault me for asking more questions, and don't fault me for walking into other stores.
I identified a problem, a goal, and defined parameters. I simply asked for help with that goal.
Being infantalized for my sincere efforts is far more cruel than me referencing the baby boomers as having a history of divorce (characterized by "cut and run," a play of the Dubya comment since he refers to democratic idea on Iraq) or other.
Mess with the bull get the horns? What am I in this analogy? What would this analogy look like when I'm being talked to as a child? What happens when I'm messed with? I graciously take it?
Young and pissed? Lashing out? Yes I'm upset. I came here sincerely looking for help, then I'm treated as if I know nothing at all; I'm infantalized. Forgive me for being upset, such agressive methods of help do not benifit me. I'm not sure how people are used to talking to each other, but I wouldn't takl to someone coming to me for advise in such a demeaning way.
Is it irrational for me to not desire a better life?
Is it irrational for me to want to be active in my relationships?
Thank you cypercat, I just need some perspective. I specifically wanted to hear from a woman's view point what it was that they needed. I've been doing a lot of thinking internally and investigating my own behavior, searching for alternative ways to meet her needs. If she doesn't want to change, I've already let my limits known.
and yes, nothing could be worse than being compared to dubya.
This is very frustrating, because this is very distracting from what I would like to talk about.
The next step for me, is talking about accountability with her, making it clear what it would mean if my boundries were crossed. What kinds of suggestions should I make? I always feel bad about talking to her about stuff like this, she often feels bad about herself afterwards. How do I let her know I'm working WITH her, not against her. If I'm her enabler, how do I enable her to be sucessful in this challenge? She has communicated to me that she wants to change herself. How much latitude should she be allowed? What about mistakes?
It is irrational (although sadly all too human) to enter into a relationship with someone you feel the need to "fix". Someone who would be perfect if only they weren't so [fill in the name of the character flaw here].
Down that path lies only disaster and heartache.
People can and will change, but only when they themselves want to do so, not when you desire it. You can talk until your blue in the face, but if she doesn't see a problem or if she's not motivated to change herself, then nothing will come of it. Better to cut your losses now and move on.
Diest TKO: Blacksmithn is right - sorry to say that to you, and you will likely find all that out on your own, AS WE DID.
Whether it's a family member, a friend, a co-worker, or a partner, you cannot change what they are. Only they can do that. If she doesn't see the problem with her behaviour, it's highly unlikely anything you say will change it for her. This sort of thing takes time and living.
I don't think anyone here was trying to insult you. They were merely providing what you asked for - advice and opinions. Perhaps you just weren't ready for this stage.
By all means, discuss her behaviour with her (!!) - if you get anywhere, let us know. Some behaviours have deep roots and people like you and me can't change them... it takes life, counselling, or just time. She may be sensitive about her insecurities and not want to discuss them with her. Setting boundaries is admirable, but likely won't change the situation.\
Whatever happens - good luck and keep us posted.
People do change, but as most say, on their own. I've changed in various ways, but much more slowly than from a kindly speech by someone.
People often make incremental shifts as they get used to, exposed to, different ways of thinking. I can remember some sharp remarks that had me pissed, some years later when I by then agreed with the snappish remark.
On Diest, I think he has behaved nicely and expressed himself well.. He spouted off after a few comments aggravated him. I can say this, I'm not a baby boomer. I'm even olllllllllllder, though not by much. And some here are younger.
At the same time, I get what blacksmithn is sayin'.
Some of us have stayed the course and may be irritated with ourselves for staying so damn long. I'd guess blacksmithn and I are in that group, as well as some early posters who haven't posted since. (I think, maybe I'm confusing threads.)
I can understand sticking around for a bit. Consider not becoming a parent while this is going on, or making a big financial or live in investment just yet.
I still personally think, say what you told us, and exit.
Some of us here think you should let this go, from our experience. So often many of us hang on to traps and life goes by.
None of us posting here are wishing you wouldn't stay and engage in a viable relationship.
Some aren't quite so abrupt, from their own experience.
I don't think any of us are all that sanguine about your description of the relationship.
