A question to women.

It's fairly obvious to me that you guys should split up. I could say more but I don't think you want to hear it, anyway... so far this is pages and pages of the same advice, basically, and you don't appear to be listening... you keep providing more ammunition for your POV.

You are not suited.

You are not suited.

You are not suited.

So quit complaining and split up. Or deal with it. Tell her, not us, what the problems are.

Sorry to be mean, but come on, how many pages do you need???

Deist,

There doesn't appear to be room outside of your relationship to be a person. This is what sozobe alluded to on page one. Your girlfriend is attempting to be your entire life by making you feel guilty whenever you aren't giving your all to her needs. And it's working!!

Some of the posts here have been from women who were like your girlfriend. They've told you that words wouldn't have mattered. Some of the posts here have been from women who were on your side of the fence. In no case (unless I missed it) has there been a post from someone on either side of this type of relationship that indicated they are still in a happy longterm relationship. I suppose such a success is possible, but it's highly unlikely.

Well, thank you everyone then.

In other words, thanks but no thanks, this is a mutual co-dependency.

He is going to "stay the course"

Maybe he should run for President.

BTW the one time I asked for serious advice here, I followed and it worked out perfectly.

Why all the hate?

I think I've recieved all sorts of advice. Who said anything about staying the course. I'm looking to make change and save myself.





That's just low. Next time I'll think twice about asking advice here if I'm just going to be jabbed at. I was serious and sincere.

There is nothing more noble than wanting to change your life.

It seems the general consensus here is that the only way for me to do so is to cut my loses and run. Why is it so crazy for me to not want to lose her.

I'm curious if you came to any decision? Or what you are thinking of trying next?

Was going to share a story but the point has already been made that I wanted to share.
I was insecure. He was insecure. We showed it in different ways.
I reached for control, he was passive aggressive.
Actually, I think my original coming to A2K was a thread about it! 'how to deal with a clam' or some such thing.

Normal not to want to lose her.

It usually takes two. There most likely is something you are getting out of feeding her behavior and allowing it. Do you know what it is? That might help you figure it all out and what you want to do.

I know I said "Run", and I still essentially mean that. I would make an effort to explain why. Not a long drawn out explanation, not an unkind one, not a self-dumping on explanation either, just straightforward. You might go into a yo-yo situation of trying to stay with her with more space, but I think that is, as others have said, unlikely to work, and that just stopping with the romance is oddly easier for both.

I'm not so sure he is feeding her needs in a way that makes him happy somehow - just think he didn't really know that isn't what a lot of people think of as healthy, and that he doesn't have to do that, even shouldn't do that, for a healthy relationship.

Nobody needs to convince me this is unhealthy. I'm just not big into the baby-boomer cut and run relationship stance.

I certainly have my limits.

flushd - My decision is to communicate those limits. The following steps are to watch. I hate giving people tests, and should she fail, it will take a great deal of strength to enforce consequence.

Communicating those limits is a good step. Hope that helps.

In my situation, I did change, it's just that the guy I was with had already pretty much decided he wanted to be single, he just couldn't bring himself to actually do something about it. (We were just 20 at the time, met when we were 18.) If we were older (I see a big difference between even 20 and 23) and if he hadn't already made that decision, maybe it would've worked, I dunno.

I agree with others that it's probably highly unlikely, but very much sympathize with your desire to put in a good faith effort to enforce limits rather than just giving up entirely. That even though I also agree with Osso that it might be easier for both of you to make a clean break. I have this doggedly loyal side -- once I've committed to something, I have the hardest time giving up on it unless I'm CERTAIN it's hopeless, which has it's good and bad points, and sounds like you may be similar.

Don't worry, some of the people on here are quick to judge you and their advice is usually harsh and straight to the point, I know this from personal experience. But I trust these people and their advice is worth taking. Please do keep this in mind as well, it is a lot easier for a complete stranger to sit back and tell you to do the extreme because they don't know you nor are there to see you cry.

I'm ever so amused at how upsetting it is to be compared to Dubya... That's like, the meanest insult I can imagine!




Okay, seriously, I personally didn't mean to say that I think you have to dump her. I said earlier that I've been like her in the past, and that my boyfriend couldn't have said anything to make me snap out of it. This post by JPB:

makes me think that I'd like to clarify my earlier post. I actually am still in the same relationship (going on seven years) that I was in when I was dealing with this insecurity, and we did stick together through that rough time and now have a very healthy and loving relationship. So my earlier post wasn't to say that you have to break up, but just to say that you can't fix this for her.

Just set the boundaries, be as loving and kind about it as you can, but have your time with your friends. Maybe you can help her through this and let her see that a good, mature relationship includes space for both partners-- she has to learn that somehow with someone, and I don't see why you shouldn't try to be there for her as she matures. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Speaking as a baby boomer, I resent your snide cut-and-run comment. I was married to an insecure woman with clinginess issues (among other things) for 17 loooooooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg years. I think I know a wee bit more about the world and about commitment than you do, whether you're 23 or 223, so excuse the hell out of me for trying to give you the benefit of some insight!

Thanks for the clarification c_cat, good advice too.

Yeah, I caught that too, blacksmithn. I'm hoping it was in response to a particular jibe, and not to an actual viewpoint.

Oooo, you gotta chill, blacksmithn. We all caught youngblood's cut but he's young, he's pissed, and he was just lashing out, I'm sure.

And where exactly is the hate? I'm just fed up. And I agree with the others about the cut-and-run remark... huh??? Then again, maybe you're too young to appreciate what we're telling you. Some of us have BEEN there and have dealt with it in a way that works... THAT'S the advice you've been getting. If you don't like it, don't take it - no point in insulting people.

The best thing is for you to continue getting frustrated with your girlfriend's dependency on you... you will ultimately deal with it your own way.

End of story.

Hey, mess with the old bull, you get the horns...

ooowww

How about the two of you seeking counseling? If you love her, this may help her. Maybe you are afraid she'll become independent?

I'm not being mean, just wondering. Should you suggest she seek counseling, do you think she will be insulted? Counseling helps when people don't know why they are acting the way they are. Maybe she is just controlling, not necessarily clingy, dependent with little confidence. Maybe she has tons of confidence!

Like some of us have said, why not just start living the way you want. Something has to give, no?

And definitely DON'T take my advice to mean put up with it for 17 years!!