A question to women.

Re: A question to women.


I have only once ever been "clingy" with a guy. I was in love with him (madly) and couldn't bear the thought of him away from me ... at all. I was 22 at the time, and in my own opinion, pretty immature. I look back and realize how inexperienced and insecure I was at that age (not saying anyone else that age is immature, just me at that particular time).

Nothing he could have said would have made me feel any better. In fact I read something into everything he said and did and analyzed him until the cows came home. Drove him bloody mad!

It took a long time for me to come back to sanity and really the only thing that registered with me was when he cried and said he couldn't handle the pressure I was putting him under. That shocked me and I actually listened to him when he tried to explain that I was hurting the relationship by being so possessive of his time. Of course I still didn't understand why he didn't want to be smothered by me (if he loved me as much as I loved him!). I was just totally smitten and unreasonable at the time. I had to lose him and later realize what I had done before it made sense.

After him, I never made that mistake again. Of course I never really loved another guy quite like him.

So, go ahead and tell her how you feel about her possesiveness, clinginess, jealousey. Her response would be one sure fire way of seeing how you feel about her because you haven't yet seen this side of her.

I've never been like this in a relationship. How does a person get this way? Don't see why you can't just do whatever you want to do. Try that, beginning today ! T'would be an improvement for you, too.

Gee, I hope you didn't believe that her behavior was normal and acceptable because it isn't.

Well, lessee.

I've been in a few relationships in which I was totally freaking happy to be in the same room, the same building, with the same air as the beloved. As we all know, that euphoria is not built to last, or at least last in the same way.

But... as wildly in love as I've been sometimes, I don't remember being clingy - having a countercurrent in myself for needing my own space and time.

And... I've various reminiscences of wishing someone would just go away, too needy, too presumptuous of myself and my time. Like... this person didn't really like me for me.

I've always, er, thrived, with a mate with his own tune to follow - for example, I was mostly (give or take the out of sorts years) happy with my writer husband who was often in his own engaged, writing, mind.

I tend to agree with Boomerang, re RUN, though that may only indicate we're both odd women.<kidding>

Furthermore...


it is fairly unhealthy, I think, to look to one other person to fill all your needs. First of all, it is not another person who brings you happiness; happiness - however it is described - is a function of yourself. When all social needs are fed by one person, that moves to quite an odd tilt, perhaps obsession, probably a person who is self esteem dependent... in my opinon. Maybe just young, but maybe not.

I had a girlfriend who did the same thing. She was very insecure, as your girlfriend is.

Multiple times, I told her what needed to be worked on. It never stopped, so I dumped her.

I was sort of in this situation, with the difference being that it was mutual. We were both young, and couldn't see the point of spending any time with anyone else when it was so much fun to spend time together. I need alone-time too, like Osso, but I mostly had alone time and time with him -- and not much else. Same for him.

This worked for a while (a year and a half?), and then it stopped working. He was the first to start saying he needed space. That was fine with me, as in I didn't like it but I was willing to provide it. He kept having second thoughts though. I'd offer to move out, he'd say no no don't do that. Smaller-scale stuff too, I'd suggest he go out with some friends and he'd come home early and say he missed me too much.

Anyway, it ended and ended badly. Devastating at the time, but a great learning experience. One of the main things I learned was to keep ahold of my sense of self no matter how much I love the man I'm with. I was purposely single for a while after that relationship, that also helped a lot.

Not sure if a relationship can mature when it's already in the place you describe -- may just be that the people in it have to mature, separately.

But I don't know.

We are only getting one side of the story. I wonder what it is in it for him. I also find it odd wanting feedback from women who are insecure cling-ons like she is. (assuming his depiction is accurate)

It takes two to tango. Reading between the lines, I think this guy enjoys this kind of attention.

I agree Roxxxanne. I had a girlfriend like this once. We went out for over a year. She started to become insanely jealous whenever another woman flirted with me. I was young and handsome so the girls flirted. I couldn't control that. Finally one night we were in a restaurant and she complained that the waitress was staring at me. I ended it then and there. The phone calls and stalking subsided after about a month.

If he enjoys the attention so much, why would he ask for advice here, Roxxanne? Doesn't make sense.

I've never been the clingy type, more the opposite, but one question
popped into my mind while reading your initial post, Diest, doesn't
she have any friends of her own?

Usually girls like to hang out together, girls night out, or just sit and talk.
How about any other activities like sports? Does she do any of that?

If you like to keep her, you need to find her some hobbies, have her
join a book club, organize some girl activities with other women if needed.

Before you get into all that though, ask yourself why is she so clingy,
analyze her, and start working from there.

It is not up to you to find her some hobbies or interests, she should be able to do that for herself.

I have known a few couples who have relationships like this, where one of or both of them is that controlling and if they have stayed together, which they usually don't, the situation never changes. These kind of relationships can't be sustained and I don't think it's healthy either.

Make a resolution now to spend more time with your friends whether she likes it or not because I think you will regret it later if you don't. Depending on the outcome of this, you will know whether or not things are going to work out but you will know sooner rather than later and save yourself a lot of wasted time.

x

Honestly, no, I do not enjoy the attention. The type of attention I would appriciate from her is more the type of attention that I give her: Complements, jokes, a email with a funny photo I found on the web.

Jealousy is a big turn off.

I've never cherished any of the jealousy I've recieved. If I am to be adored in any way, let it be love, not zeal.

Also, I find it important to explain further circumstances as to get better advice.

We go to school in a small college town of about 17,000 people. It is an engineering school mostly and the gender ratio is about 3 men to every 1 woman.

As far as friends goes, I would paint the picture as follows. I have friends, and we have friends. Her friends, have become my frineds, but my friends have not nessisarily become hers.

This conflict of friendship is managed by her. My friends are nice, and everything, but to her, they are just nerds who love to play games etc. She doesnt' try very hard to relate to them.

The other big issue yet posted is that I wish to spend more time in my space/apartment. I invite her all the time, but she always has a reason to not come over, and when she does come over, it's never good enough, and I can't enjoy myself because I'm catering to her.

When we spend time in her space, she is not shy about enforcement of her rules etc. I begin to resent her because, I don't feel like it's balanced to always play someone else's rules. I try to get her to comprimise, but it's such a struggle.

However, to keep focused on what is my problem, I'd say that our time spent together is less the problem when compared to our time spent apart.

I think you've gotten pretty good advice so far. It's just not what you
want to hear. There is no better advice.

Denial isn't just a river in Eqypt ya know. I'd say at 223, I'd be scared if you didn't have any fangs.

Are you interested in women who have struggled with thier men being clingy or being clingy themselves? I was clingy with my first boyfriend cause I was after him for 4 years and when I finally got him I didn't want to be parted from him. It made me even more upset when he brought it to my attention that he needed some time to spend with the boys. For me it upset me because I thought I was doing something wrong and I would litterally count the seconds for him to call me. I would text him all night wondering what he was doing. So I know what she is going through a little bit.

Here is a solution:

1.Create one night a week dedicated to just you and her only
2.Then, create one a night a week dedicated to just you only to hang with the guys

That way she can't think that she is doing anything wrong because you always go out with the guys on the same night.

No, the advise so far ahs been great.

Someone said that she should hang out with the girls. I felt it them important to note that in Rolla, it's 75%+ male population.

Have you told her that?

First of all, any advice from me should be taken with a grain of salt as I prefer the company of women and have the attitude that men just want one thing and you know what it is.

It really sounds to me that you two do not fit at all. I think the only thing to do at this point is to just break it off and move on with your life.

It doesn't seem to me that there is any real communication at all going on between these two.

I only have one question for Diest:

Why haven't you broken it off yet?

As I stated before, I really enjoy the time we spend together. It's the time spent apart or time we should spend apart that is killing me.