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Mon 8 Jan, 2007 02:34 pm
I have a lovely girlfirend of 2 years. She smart and beautiful. We spend lots of time together. We are a college couple, I am 223, she is 22. We have related fields of study, and similar future goals. We don't live together, but spend a lot of time together.
In summary, we fit pretty damn good.
However, She is very codependant. Mostly codependant in her demand of my time.
We are both hard workers, and do weel to take care of our responcibilities: Homework, work, our extra-curricular organizational duties.
I would like to spend more time with my friends. For that matter, I'd like to spend any time with my friends. She acts as if my idea of going out with my friends is a slap in her face. She crituqes me, saying thast she would apreciate being invited.
1) The idea is to spend time with my frineds, and give them attention, tend to that relationship.
2) When I do invite her, I always regret it because I spend the entire evening catering to her needs and giving her attention instead of enjoying myself.
Other times, I will be doing something with frineds and she'll just call me. This is certainly inocent, and I enjoy talking to her on the phone. However, when I explain that I do not wish to spend a half hour on the phone with her while I'm out with friends, she act indignantly.
The ultimate result of her behaivor is that now I make fewer to no commitments with my frineds becasue doing so I'm garanteed to recieve a guilt trip. I desire to spend less time with my girlfriend. I crave independance. Resentment grows inside me towards her. Insert more examples here. Rinse. Repeat.
I really lover her, but I feel this could end our relationship. One day, I'm just going to snap. I'll call it all off. I'll be done with making comprimises for her. I'll hate her.
My question is this ladies: How can I communicate how I feel to her about our relationship?
I am interested in hearing about any women's experiance with breaking codependance and having a healthy relationship. what kinds of things did you need to hear?
I really don't want to lose her.
Hello, Diest TKO. Welcome to R&M.
I'm not so sure you fit quite as well as you think you do. Does your gf have friends of her own? Does she spend time with them?
Any 23 year old college student who isn't "allowed" to spend time with his friends without a guilt trip should, IMO, rethink the relationship.
Your story reminds me of my first marriage. I was married to someone who absorbed every minute of my day. It was frustrating and, in the end, destructive to our marriage. I wish I could give you a success story on breaking that pattern of dependent behavior, but I can't.
Diest TKO wrote:The ultimate result of her behaivor is that now I make fewer to no commitments with my frineds becasue doing so I'm garanteed to recieve a guilt trip. I desire to spend less time with my girlfriend. I crave independance. Resentment grows inside me towards her. Insert more examples here. Rinse. Repeat.
When I read the first part of that statement I thought you were going to say the result is that now you were making fewer to no commitments to her. I was surprised to see that you've given up almost all other social contact to support her clinginess. Are you familiar with the concept of enabling? In short, it's when you subconsciously support the very behavior that is the source of the problem. By giving up most or all of your social opportunities that don't include her, you are perhaps enabling the very thing that is bothering you.
...and in the end, you're going to blame her instead of yourself.
Can you imagine what life with her will be like, under these circumstances, five years from now? Ten years?
Yep.
I think you can be pretty straightforward about it. That you love her, and love spending time with her, but of course you want to be a whole person, not just half of a couple. That being a whole person also makes you a stronger and happier person who is better able to contribute to a healthy relationship. And that if she has a problem with that, you're very concerned about the future of your relationship.
And go from there.
That behavior drives me batty, too.
As with any other area of your relationship, direct and to the point is always best. Find a time and place where you can both be comfortable (not your room or her room where one is on their own "turf") and tell her basically what you have just told us. You can do it while at the same time emphasizing how much you care for, respect and admire her.
Maybe bring it up over dinner, and end by saying something like "The guys and I are going to play kick ball / football/tennis / whatever on Saturday. That would be a great time for you to.... insert whatever she likes to do."
Whatever you do, DO NOT start with "We need to talk." She'll automatically be on the defensive. Just state how you feel and what you plan to do this weekend as a fact. Then do it.
Oh, and it's okay to leave your phone at home while you play.
Squinney, that's one happy pup you've got there!
Carry on...
I was like that in my late teens/early twenties. Unfortunately, there was nothing that could be said to help, no amount of reassurance mattered, it was just a matter of maturing beyond that point.
I really don't think you can do much except 1. spend time with your friends, 2. lovingly let her know that you're committed to both her and your friendships, and 3. hope she works through her feelings.
I agree with everyone here.
One other thing you can try as well is to encourage her to spend time with her friends and to pursue her own hobbies.
This way, the focus is on a positive to her (opportunity to do something she is missing now) rather than just a negative (seeing you less, feeling rejected).
However, really nodding to what Cypher said. It is her problem at base. Don't make it yours.
Definetly pick a public or neutral territory to get the message across, though. Though she may be sweet as pie when things go according to plan, her bite could be bad. I'm sure you've seen a glimpse of her other side already.
Oh, I don't know. A long and happy future dominated by a clingy, insecure woman sounds like a surefire recipe for a successful relationship to me!
Jeez, you're only 23-- or 223 (In which case, maybe the age difference explains the problem. She's probably afraid you'll break a hip...). The grass is certainly greener elsewhere. Go forth and seek other pastures.
But blacksmith, she probably has a hot body.
Try convincing most young guys to give that up!
(ignore me Diest).
Or most old guys either, truth to tell...
A good, healthy relationship is two independent-minded people working, hanging, living, whatever together. A healthy, well-adjusted person not only knows and accepts, but encourages the other's individual activities, like sports, arts, friends & family, and work.
If she is not doing that, she is not healthy and well-adjusted.
Jealously, dependence, clinginess is not part of a healthy relationship. It signifies insecurities and neediness, which is a Pandora's Box.
There should be no words like "let", "allow", "permit"... words like that are a recipe for disaster.
The others have given you excellent advice. This is just my taken on relationships.
You know... The way you have described your girlfriend is exactly how I would describe ME in my last long term relationship.
I know my advice will be quite a cliche, but here you have it for whatever it is worth:
Talk to her.
Or even better so that you don't repeat yourself. Print up the message you have posted and show it to her. Sounds pretty sincere.
I say run away as fast and as far as you can.
If the sexes were reversed in this post we'd all be screaming about abuse.
You'll talk to her about it and she'll promise to change and she won't.
Don't ever keep going in a relationship where a personality overhaul is a prerequisite of staying together.
blacksmithn wrote:
Jeez, you're only 23-- or 223 (In which case, maybe the age difference explains the problem. She's probably afraid you'll break a hip...)
Yeah, come to think of it, everyone just glossed over
that-- shouldn't some of the blame here be on the
vampire ?! What, it's fine with all of you to have the undead preying on innocent young girls? Jeez.
Opps, typo! I'm not a vampire, I promise.
Thanks for the input.
I don't know gender just by reading names. I'm particularly interested in more opinions of women who have struggled with this.
Thank you though to the gentlemen, that offered input.
Deist, all of the responses are from females with the exception of the smithy.
Hey, I'm a lesbian.
Yep, just can't stay away from them wimmins!
I see.
Well, to be honest, I thought I'd get somewhat of a different responce from women. Very interesting.
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