Hi Elliot!
By now you are probably saying to yourself, "self, who in the HELL wrote my email address on the walls of the looney bin?!?" Hopefully, someone has 'splained ourselves to you and said that it is all Jonathan's fault. We're a bunch of friends from a message board forum called able2know.com. Jonathan mentioned on the boards that this was your first time away from home for the holidays and might be missing mom's pumpkin pie right about now. So, we decided to adopt you. Aren't you lucky! Who knew a bunch of old farts could get so sappy. If you'd like to see all the nasty things Jonathan had to say about you, you'll find them here:
http://able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=88437&highlight=
Anyway, you have as much of a joyous holiday as one can have living in the desert. It's just not the same, hanging tinsel on olive trees. Keep your head down and your eyes peeled, eh?
If there is anything you'd like us to do for Jonathan as thanks (ahem! revenge) just let us know. You could start by posting some really embarrassing stories about Jonathan on that link above. ::evil grin::
Take care Elliot. We all hope you'll be home before summer heats up again. In the meantime, here's a little holiday advisory for you and your mates:
Holiday Eating Guidelines for the Mess Hall
1) Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a mess hall buffet knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2) Avoid the eggnog. It's army food and you have NO idea where that egg has been! If you can't resist, drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an nog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's Christmas! No, I insist. Just be near the latrine about an hour later, okay?
3) If something comes with gravy, use it. It covers up a multitude of flavors disguised as army rations. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Mmmmm, yum!
4) As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. If it is yak milk, belch and run!
5) Do not have a snack before going to the mess hall in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat lots of other people's food and not have to do the dishes. Lots of it. Hello?
6) Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. That combination of eggnog and that volcano of army 'taters could erupt at any moment when jostled.
7) Anyhow, you'll be doing plenty of jogging back and forth to the latrine later. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the mess line carrying that 10-pound plate of food and vat of eggnog.
8) If you come across something really good at the officer's table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of combat boots. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. They're officers!
9) Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? Mom's not looking. Go for it!
10) Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Quickly bury it in the sand next to the other ancient artifacts.
11) One final tip: If you aren't doubled over in pain when you get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, and have a great time!
Happy holidays,
Butrflynet
Citrus Heights, CA (near Arnold's home in Sacramento)
