how to end affair

You're right, eoe... here's a practical and worthwhile suggestion for trophy, then...


Write out a list of everything you're pissed about - about the situation, about him, and about you. Write down all the rotten things he did to you, said to you, or ways he (mis)treated you. Then...

Post it on your fridge.

When you start feeling weak, go read it!

You will soon be cured. Trust me.

how to end affair
Thanks for understanding that 8 years is a long time and I know that I have to get on with my life. I just would have felt better pointing out a few home truths to him and seeing his rection. He has denied me that and that is why I am feeling and angry. Bottom line is, that he would be contacting me if he had anything constructive to say. He has humiliated me by not meeting me but if I deliver a letter to him or "accidentally" bump into him, then I would be heaping further humiliation on myself. Can anyone relate to that and how it would have helped me to tell him things? My fridge is not big enough to pin all my thoughts on!!

Write down what you want to say. A lot of good comes from venting. Get it out. And remind yourself that he doesn't deserve someone like you - he's a cheater... feel sorry for his wife, and be glad you're not hooked anymore.

Walk around your house and say everything out loud - shout it, if you have to. Get all that stuff out of you.

Keep a list on your fridge - not your thoughts - just a list of why you are glad you're not with him anymore. Every time you start feeling nostalgic or missing him or lonely, go and read it!

I kept a journal through all of my big heartbreaks. It helped a great deal.

Oh yeah...and I do recall that my desire to see him and tell him what a piece of **** he turned out to be was deep down just another lame desire, really, to see him. period.

how to end affair
But don't you think that if I expressed my anger directly at him I wouldn't be feeling so much pent up resentment now. I could tell him that I wasn't going to put up with his crap--better late than never. Then I wouldn't to rant and rave at home. I would not see it as opening up communications and resuming the affair--it would give me closure. Your advice is good but I am having trouble containing my feelings.

If you really feel you need to tell him, go tell him. You may be right. Write a letter and drop it off, if you have to. Put it under the wipers of his car. Send it to his workplace (marked private and confidential, of course) - however you can reach him, do it.

Mame- Maybe I am a bit paranoid, but I have always been leery about putting something in writing, that I may regret later. You never know when those words will bite you in the ass.

What I might do, is write the letter, read it aloud, and then burn it, as ceremoniously as I could manage.

I Like Phoenix's idea of writing and then burning. As far as confronting him, I think you're better off not. His reaction to what you have to say may hurt even more. My ex seemed very indifferent to the things I had to say when he left and that hurt me so much more.
As was said before, 8 years is a very long time to just forget someone overnight. Be strong, it'll be easier as the days go. It's good that you come here to get your feelings out. We're here for you when you're feeling at a weak point. You have support to get through this. And you will get through this!

The closure is to leave him be.
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On my previous comment related to talking with him, that was about not ducking his phone calls but to straight out tell him - one time only - you are done, and then be done (not answering the calls if he did call again). Or to call him and tell him you are done. That was before I knew you had no way to call him. I had not meant for you to give a lengthy explication of your feelings, but a simple fairly dry comment of finality.

Given you can't reach him by phone, and that I agree with the not-in-writing-to-him comment of Phoenix's, then just be done. Just being done isn't easy whether or not you speak a minute on the phone or write him, but every bit of time you spend talking with him in your mind and feeling all angry at him (and why not dismay at yourself? he is, after all, married, and you knowingly put years into this) is time spent being emotional and bereft about a fellow who wasn't engaged in the romance the same way you were. Stop it short and look forward, move forward.
I agree that writing in a journal or making speeches by yourself can be a help, but try not to keep continuously putting your emotions and energy in that direction. Get yourself some new legs and walk on.

I agree, Phoenix, but she seems stuck on communicating her feelings (anger) with him and not just writing it out (as we've suggested time and time again)... apparently the phone is not an option. If she doesn't get it out, will she be able to let go? I don't know this lady, so I don't know. Personally, I'd do what I suggested and rant and rave as long as needed in the comfort of my own home. Then I might get a pic of him and put it somewhere where I could throw things at it ... Get out a little more of that anger :wink:

Mame- I agree. Sometimes having the last word is not what it's cracked up to be. I also agree that his reaction may cause even more anguish.

how to end affair
I will not be around to see or hear his reaction if I give him a letter. I would never phone his home phone although it is listed.I agree that face might prove hurtful and he tends to joke about issues that involve decisions. The only thing is that that by giving him a letter he knows that I haven't moved on but I can live with that. I think the letter is the way forward for me with. I wish I could do what several of you suggested but I can't. Nevertheless all the advice is appreciated and the forum is invaluable even though most of you would not pursue my course of action.

Hmm. Well, I wish you the best with whatever choice you decide on.

That said.

Have you written the letter yet?

Something I have found helpful is sharing those painful letters and rants n' raves with someone close or who you KNOW will support you.

The reasons being:
*You get to share those emotions with a real live person rather than just having them to yourself or 'out into the universe'.
*You have someone who can help clarify and talk/care you through difficult emotions and sometimes help shift your perspective so you can go deeper
*You have someone to WITNESS and acknowledge how you feel. Period.

The likelihood of this guy to acknowledge your real feelings or treat you respectfully are very very low.
Sending that letter might make you feel crazier in the long term.

Just asking you to think about trying sharing that letter with someone else before sending it, if saying it outloud or burning it or posting it doesn't really cut it for you.

If that doesn't change things for you, you can always choose to send the letter later.

Taking action when flooded with charged emotions has this nasty way of blocking off our options in our eyes and not thinking of the big picture. You know??

You will get through this! And those 8 years aren't all wasted. Not if you learn something, and you are and will.
You chose an experience that can show you that you never again need to settle for less and you never have to be one of those people who stumbles from relationship to relationship clueless to what they are doing.
Now you know. It's conscious choice.

I agree with all you just wrote, flush'd, and appreciate the last paragraph in particular.

how to end affair
It's surpising what a good night's sleep does to one's attitude and perspective.
I did indeed write the letter yesterday and then read it when I was pent up.
I am seeing a good friend next weekend and was going to show the letter to her as was suggested to me.
However after a downing a cafetiere full of strong coffee this morning, I read the letter again and thought "No I am not going to send that. Period" and my resolve will only strengthen.

The reasons are that whatever I out in ithe leter I come across as pretty desperate, bleating and either criticising him or feeling sorry for myself.
In short I look like a complete victim and he will probably think "Thank goodness I'm not with that weak minded individual" amongst other things.
Also it gives him some satisfaction that I have gone to the trouble and that he has/had this effect on me. This from a man who didnot phone as he said he would and would not meet me when it did not suit his purpose.
I know I appear to be fluctuating about what I am going to do but the short answer is NOTHING, except get on with my life and the anger and the thought of him will fade.
The letter writing suggestion was a real tonic and, as someone said, he probably would just ignore everything I said (he should already know most of it anyway) and have even less respect for me than he does now.

So a big thank you to everyone who has out up with my postings and helped me through this process.

Trophy- Great! Now get on with your life.

Congrats! You got over a big hump. More to come, but each time it will get easier.

Awesome determination.

Hi, things do get easier although it is still early days. Anger is subsiding and donot feel the need to let him know what a shallow b**tard he is. I have had enough humiliation. If I hadn't found this forum, I might have rekindled things and been in the affair for years as he was always happy to meet up when I never questioned the future.

Hi, things do get easier although it is still early days. Anger is subsiding and donot feel the need to let him know what a shallow b**tard he is. I have had enough humiliation. If I hadn't found this forum, I might have rekindled things and been in the affair for years as he was always happy to meet up when I never questioned the future.

Trophy, How are things going??
Hang in there!