how to end affair

Well, you certainly don't owe him any explanations. I really don't think you need to be concerned with him if you just feel like not contacting him anymore. I think he'd know exactly what was going on if you broke it off, even if you didn't say a word.

Oh heavens.

Just wash that man right out of your hair.

Go find a man who isn't married.

Honestly, it is really as simple as that. If you never made the effort to contact him, you'd never hear from him again. Isn't that obvious?

The past is the past. Cut your loses and move on.

Just dump him. Don't even bother to explain. I did that to a man who played me (I allowed it) for six years. I simply dismissed him. He didn't hear from me, called out of curiosity, I hung up on his lame-ass excuses and that was that.
Guess what?
I survived.
And you will too.

how to end an affair?

In this case quickly and resolutely. You don't need this any more than a hole in your head.

Trophy--

Dump this guy and use the time and space you free up to learning to recognize what makes you worthwhile as a person.

Make 2007 a year of self discovery.

Enjoy!

It's gonna be okay.

Joining the unanimous chorus. It's time to move on and you owe him nothing as you do it.

You'll be fine, and you'll like what you see in the mirror.

How to end an affair? From now on let his calls go to voice mail.....then just delete them without listening.
Simple.

Sounds like he has had it made with you and you're the one who had to suffer at his expense. Time to move on! Easier said than done but be strong. Just make the final cut and move on to better things. You'll be happier once you do.

I guess I disagree with most, in a slight nuance. I'm not for Trophy getting together with the fellow - in fact I'm against that. But I am for a civil note. All the gathered anger people have about the accumulation of usage is reasonable, but she used him too, in a way. And they both did a deal on the wife, who... who knows, may not be (well, it gets complicated).

Just not answering the phone after eight years? What is this general chickenshit behavior?

By phone or by email or text or by handwritten note, simply state that you are done with it, and good luck with your life.

And then avoid contact, being clear about it.

Ossobuco is a very wise woman.

As I age, I get more and more straightforward. Not so much a virtue like wisdom, just what makes sense. Wait til I'm 99, I'll be the perfect woman with the very most wrong body.

Well ossobuco, apparently the poster is not able to be as straight-forward as you... which is the reason she asked for help here on the board.
While our ideas may seem 'chickenshit' to you, one of them may be the answer for which she's looking.

Hi Trophy

I'm also joining the chorus of those who say "ditch him" ... and good for you for making such a healthy choice. Now you can invest your own time into doing things YOU want to do - instead of being at someone else's beck and call. BRAVO. I'm sure it was not an easy decision to make, but don't beat yourself up over the time you've lost (ie: 8 yrs). Just be glad that you can now focus on living your life however you want to live it and you are free to engage in a caring, loving relationship with someone who truly respects you, cares for you and loves you for who you are.

Also, I think it would be nice if you were able to tell him you're ending it. If you don't want to see him - perhaps phone him? If you don't want to phone him - maybe email him? Granted, you don't "owe" him anything, per se (and as others will say, much less an explanation) but I just think that telling him to buzz off might make you feel better ... that you had the guts to end it and to tell him that it is YOUR choice to finish it. He's had you on a string all this time, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that you deserve better?

You don't need to be rude to him - just be calm, write down what you want to say, say it and then be done with it.

Then ... when you don't answer the phone or return his emails, etc, he will know why. And if you bump into him in the street or at the shop, you can turn and walk away and he will know why. There'll be no room for guessing games. And if he pursues you, try to ignore him as graciously as possible. You must preserve your own integrity in all your negotiations with him.

Good luck

Ps: If he tries to email you, you can set your email preferences to bounce back his emails to his own email inbox, without you ever seeing them. You can also delete his voicemails on your mobile - and if it gets down to it, change your landline if that's not too much of a pain.

how to end affair
Once again thanks for all the postings--they have been a tremendous help.

Just thought I would update you on things. I am now with my parents having left my house at 10.30am yesterday and there had been no call to my landline so I am pretty sure that he wasn't going to show. Cell phone was switched on throughout my 5 hour journey and there was no call.

He has a habit of not wanting confrontation and I guess because he always puts his own needs above everyone elses, he had nothing to gain by meeting me because "serious chat" signals the end of the affair. As he has nothing constructive to say to me it would have been an uncomfortable encounter. Don't forget his words to me when I suggested the chat --"Oh it's the season for it"-hardly the reply of someone who has any serious intentions towards me--just another putdown.

As for sending him an email, he would not give me his email address--all part of his control and he also blocks his cell phone number when he calls.

A few years back he told me, when he reappeared after a 2 week withdrawl (for which I received no explanation), that he would listen to everything that I had to say the following Monday. Well guess what, he went sick from work on the Monday and the conversation never happened.

So in his mind, he may have decided to end the relationship by not showing/calling yesterday although he may have a few weeks non communication to see if I am in a better frame of mind in the new year. However I am getting stronger every day, and regaining some of my self confidence and self respect. It is not easy, but I feel much better now that I am many miles away from him for the holidays.

So as I said, he will not give me closure and in one respect it is his way of him trying to keep me hanging on just in case he calls---but I won't fall for that old trick again.

At least I know that I was prepared to meet and give him an explanation but as I only have contact when he calls, then it is out of my hands.
I really do not feel like writing him a letter and delivering it to a place I know he will be, if he cannot be bothered to meet me face to face.

His actions or lack of them on Mnday (although hurtful) just reinforce my resolve to stay away and show that he never ever considered my feelings throughout this so-called relationship.

how to end affair
Once again thanks for all the postings--they have been a tremendous help.

Just thought I would update you on things. I am now with my parents having left my house at 10.30am yesterday and there had been no call to my landline so I am pretty sure that he wasn't going to show. Cell phone was switched on throughout my 5 hour journey and there was no call.

He has a habit of not wanting confrontation and I guess because he always puts his own needs above everyone elses, he had nothing to gain by meeting me because "serious chat" signals the end of the affair. As he has nothing constructive to say to me it would have been an uncomfortable encounter. Don't forget his words to me when I suggested the chat --"Oh it's the season for it"-hardly the reply of someone who has any serious intentions towards me--just another putdown.

As for sending him an email, he would not give me his email address--all part of his control and he also blocks his cell phone number when he calls.

A few years back he told me, when he reappeared after a 2 week withdrawl (for which I received no explanation), that he would listen to everything that I had to say the following Monday. Well guess what, he went sick from work on the Monday and the conversation never happened.

So in his mind, he may have decided to end the relationship by not showing/calling yesterday although he may have a few weeks non communication to see if I am in a better frame of mind in the new year. However I am getting stronger every day, and regaining some of my self confidence and self respect. It is not easy, but I feel much better now that I am many miles away from him for the holidays.

So as I said, he will not give me closure and in one respect it is his way of him trying to keep me hanging on just in case he calls---but I won't fall for that old trick again.

At least I know that I was prepared to meet and give him an explanation but as I only have contact when he calls, then it is out of my hands.
I really do not feel like writing him a letter and delivering it to a place I know he will be, if he cannot be bothered to meet me face to face.

His actions or lack of them on Monday (although hurtful) just reinforce my resolve to stay away and show that he never ever considered my feelings throughout this so-called relationship.

how to end affair
Once again thanks for all the postings--they have been a tremendous help.

Just thought I would update you on things. I am now with my parents having left my house at 10.30am yesterday and there had been no call to my landline so I am pretty sure that he wasn't going to show. Cell phone was switched on throughout my 5 hour journey and there was no call.

He has a habit of not wanting confrontation and I guess because he always puts his own needs above everyone elses, he had nothing to gain by meeting me because "serious chat" signals the end of the affair. As he has nothing constructive to say to me it would have been an uncomfortable encounter. Don't forget his words to me when I suggested the chat --"Oh it's the season for it"-hardly the reply of someone who has any serious intentions towards me--just another putdown.

As for sending him an email, he would not give me his email address--all part of his control and he also blocks his cell phone number when he calls.

A few years back he told me, when he reappeared after a 2 week withdrawl (for which I received no explanation), that he would listen to everything that I had to say the following Monday. Well guess what, he went sick from work on the Monday and the conversation never happened.

So in his mind, he may have decided to end the relationship by not showing/calling yesterday although he may have a few weeks non communication to see if I am in a better frame of mind in the new year. However I am getting stronger every day, and regaining some of my self confidence and self respect. It is not easy, but I feel much better now that I am many miles away from him for the holidays.

So as I said, he will not give me closure and in one respect it is his way of him trying to keep me hanging on just in case he calls---but I won't fall for that old trick again.

At least I know that I was prepared to meet and give him an explanation but as I only have contact when he calls, then it is out of my hands.
I really do not feel like writing him a letter and delivering it to a place I know he will be, if he cannot be bothered to meet me face to face.

His actions or lack of them on Monday (although hurtful) just reinforce my resolve to stay away and show that he never ever considered my feelings throughout this so-called relationship.

Trophy--

Very good. Now enjoy your family and your holidays and start accumulating some pleasant memories.

trophy - good for you.