How to end affair--please help

Hi everyone, long time since I posted, but just wanted to share something with you.
Since my last post I saw mm once about a week later in the street, and he managed to say that he would definitely phone me as if he had something to say. Nothing.

I had avoided going to the library for weeks and called in on my way back from work.
I was on the computer and 5 minutes later he walked in. You could have knocked me down with a feather.
He looked like sh**. It was 5.0pm and he hadn't shaved and was scruffy.

I was sitting by a computer that had an armchair nearby and he immediately sits in it. He acted as if everything was hunky dory between us. Absolutely amazing behaviour but now I understand it.
I was going to tell him that I was busy and to leave me alone, but he wants a reaction out of me--even a negative one is better than no reaction.
He carried on talking as if he had never said he was going to phone. We talked about my work, and I never asked about him or his family--I showed no interest in his life. He was asking me about what I was doing over Easter and was I visiting my parents and when would I be back. I said I would be away for a week. He then asked again which day I was returning and I then said that I had to go and he could have my computer.

I got up and as he was about to say something I said "happy easter and I guess I'll see you around" and walked away without looking back.
He did look a bit startled when I was saying this, but I am really indifferent towards him and he is just a pain in the backside. So again he never got the chance to say "I'll call you" crap. He bored me, was still egotistical and did mention a friend who had married for a second time and had no money. I don't think he said this to bait me--if he did, I didn't take it.

Since I last saw him I had been reading up on narcissists and sociopaths and decided that he fits the bill and that no one could ever be happy with him, because he isn't happy with himself. I read that he feeds off the attention of others and the worst thing you can do to people like him is to be indifferent. If you get angry he knows he still has a hold over you and this will give him some satisfaction. They hate being igored and although I talked to him, I wasnot interested in what he was doing. He asked about me.

So I don't know what to make of him but he does fit the sociopathic profile. On the other hand he might have talked to me, just being friendly, glad that I had accepted it was over. However he made a point of sitting down for a good 15 minutes until I made the move to go. No one knows what goes on in the inner turmoil in which they live.

I did however feel that I had got some of my dignity back and my self esteem is on the way up whereas his is going downhill fast.

Thanks for reading.

Trophy--

Glad that you're in charge--and happier for it.

Good for you trophy! You're absolutely right. Indifference can drive an attention-seeker to madness. You'd better believe he's sobbing in his beer by now over you and isn't that a terrific feeling?

High five my sister.

Yeah, I felt like I had the last word and it felt good.
I just feel that I have got the power back as it were.

When he was going on about his friend and the second marriage, I was tempted to say somethink like "well at least he had the backbone to leave", but thought better of it, as it would show that he had touched a nerve. He never made a comment like that when we were together so why say it now.
I think he was maybe sounding me out to see if time had mellowed me and I was willing to resume on his terms. Well time has hardened me!

So his comment wafted straight over my head like most of the other stuff he was saying.
I bet he regreted sitting next to me and I doubt he will do that again.

He regrets more than just sitting next to you...he's a miserable cuss and right now, his world has been upended because of your indifference. Nothing he believed in before he saw you holds true for him now. You fucked him up.

trophy, glad you were able to finally come to control the situation. This guy doesn't sound like a sociopath, but an attention seeker and a loser, he is. Its not just sociopaths that don't like to be ignored, though -- its anyone. Honestly, if a guy is cheating on his wife to get some on the side with another girl...it means he would cheat on anyone!

Yeah it's me back again, just as an update.

After the last time I saw the guy in the library after I returned from easter I went to the library after work twice and each time he was there.
I saw him through the window from outside (he never saw me) and I never went in.
I have asked myself why he was there?
He could go to the library anytime but he chose the times I would go. Something stopped me going inside.
Was he hoping to have a serious chat to me?
I don't know but then there is alway the telephone that he never uses.
I suppose I thought that if I went in he would just get an ego trip on knowing that I went there looking to see him.

I thought about the chat we had in April when he said that this man who had left his family was having to support his children.
I decided that was his way of telling me that he was deciding to stay married and suppport his kids within the marriage. Or maybe he was testing me to see what my reaction was. However a library is not the place to have a serious discussion.

So more months go by until Friday when I see him in the supermarket and he goes out towards the parking lot where his wife is waiting in the car (he can't drive).
AS he goes out through the door, I am behind him and he turns around and says "Wow, it's you" and I smile very sweetly look him in the eye and say "Hi" and just walk past him. I didn't think that stopping was a good idea although he held back until I was level with him as his wife was probably only a few yards away. He knows that I could have hung back and then he wouldn't have seen me at all.
So I didn't snub him although he may have thought I was rude not to have stopped. On the other hand he could have called me back but I was walking very fast. But then I thought about the shoddy and manipulative way he has treated me.
So why does it bother me and why the hell couldn't I sleep very well last night.
In a way I had ignored him but in a respectful and polite way which I don't thinks he like
It felt like a backside.
I am annoyed with myself that I am letting it get to me.

My friend says he will still try and manipulate me if I allow it, and more to the point, if he was serious about me he wouldn't be hanging about in the library on the off chance that I walked in.

Just need some words to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Sounds like your doing the right things to do what in your heart you know you should do. Be strong, know your a wonderful person deserving of a good, happy life.

Trophy--

Hang on to your good resolutions and your independence.

What are you doing to fill the time you used to spend with him--and waiting for him?

Ending an affair is easy! Why, there must be 50 ways to leave your lover!

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooo slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Hi folks, thanks for the words of encouragement.

I have been seeing friends anf my confidence has returned. I have joined a tennis club and been reconnecting with people that I neglected when I was with him.
I am not dating, just enjoying getting back on an even keel so to speak.

I just don't know why the guy was hanging around the library again in April when he knew I might be there. I thought it was because he weanted to resume things but I may be wrong.
He goes from running away from me, to sitting beside me and asking me when I would be back from my easter holidays. Confusing eh.
However it could be that he did feel a bit guilty and was just being nice to me--but why mention the divorce and supporting children thing.
Oh well I have my answer in that he never phoned BUT more importantly I know that I do not want to resume an affair with him. I really wanted closure from him by way of a face to face get togther. But I now know that he will never give me that so I made my own closure.

Guess that in the supermarket I didn't want him to see me as being rude, but I did acknowledge him and smiled and it wasn't the best place to pass the time of day with his wife in the parking lot somewehere. I would like to know what he made of my actions, hopefully that I bear him no malice, accept that it is over and am getting on with my life. Also I didn't want to give him the opportunity to say "I will phone you CRAP". Surely he must see that. Anyway the number of times that he has been rude to me, slamming the phobne down on me so that I would try harder and rum after him to find out what was wrong.

I know that I shouldn't be concerned about what he thinks but I really have moved on leaps and bounds. The "old" me would have been in that library asking him when he wanted to come round to my place so this is a real leap forward for me.
I actually feel that I have got some dignity back and maybe he will see that!

Thanks for your support.

I always liked what Ayn Rand said, and I'm not sure this is a direct quote or if I'm paraphrasing but here goes:

Show me who you sleep with and I will tell you what you think of yourself.

Is this man the expression of your self esteem.

Love should be a celebration of shared values, not just little "sordid sexual encounters".

You can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. So long as you continue to settle for less, you get just that, less.

Think about it, you don't have to settle for less.

Trophy--



Very good. Now start opening some doors for yourself. Your future is waiting for you.

[quote="trophy"]I just don't know why the guy was hanging around the library again in April when he knew I might be there. I thought it was because he weanted to resume things but I may be wrong.[/quote]

Good God, this is October and you are still wondering why he was in the library in April?

What does it matter?
Why does it matter to you?

You should once and for all close this chapter!
Put him and the whole thing behind you!
Get on with your life!
Worry about yourself, your family and your friends, instead of what some ghost from your past might or might not think, want or plan!

I'm with Bohne. Your last post made it obvious that you're still way too occupied by this person, still keeping him alive in your mind and in your thoughts. You're wasting time still pondering his moves from six months ago? He may not have you physically but he still has you emotionally and that's because of you, not him. You're the one still holding on.

Do yourself a favor and let him go once and for all.

Sglass- The exact quote is:



I think that you got the gist of what she was saying!

Thank you Phoenix. I met Ayn Rand once (along with Nathaniel B). I drove into Boston from Concord N.H. in a horrible snow storm just to see and hear them at Boston University.

It was and still is one of the best experiences I have ever had.

Can you imagine talking to Ayn Rand? I was awe-strucken.

Thanks to you all.
The thing that triggered things for me was seeing him again last Friday in the supermarket.
I know you are right, that I should not be worried what he is doing or thinking about him and maybe he isn't thinking about me. But he was in the library when he knew I might be there. Equally I am aware that he is still the same cake eater that he always was.
However I am not seeing him through choice and clearly not sleeping with him, so for me, that is a leap forward.
But please don't think that it it is easy to just forget about someone and believe me I have and am trying.
I just put him down to being a sociopath or narcissist type and I have said on earlier posts that I am over him, which is true in the sense that I have not and will not resume a physical affair with him.

Compared to where I was, that is a big step forward for me.

[quote="trophy"]But he was in the library when he knew I might be there. [/quote]

So what???
Maybe he was waiting for you, maybe it was a total coincidence?
Whichever, it SHOULD NOT MATTER TO YOU ANY MORE!!!

[quote="trophy"]I have not and will not resume a physical affair with him.

Compared to where I was, that is a big step forward for me.[/quote]

Good for you, now just don't stop taking steps forward!!!

Can you say Whore boys and girls?
A woman who settles for 8 years of sharing someone else's penis is nothing short of a whore. You should not have gotten involved with a man you knew was involved with someone else. I have been cheated on before (can you sense the bitterness?) and it's not a good feeling. I wish we could still use the "scarlet letter".