Re: How to end affair--please help
trophy wrote:I have been involved in an 8 year relationship with a married man--he has 3 grown up kids.
It has been on and off and about 10 months ago I accidentally did bump into him and we rekindled the affair (stupidly, I made it very easy for him.
He phones me about every 8 days (this isn't enough in my book but I hate nagging) and often says that he will see me the following week but doesn't follow through. He then phones as if nothing is wrong towards the end of the week).
My self esteem is suffering as is my health.
I think his wife is on to him as he never stays evenings (usually I take a day off work and he stays from 10.0 am to 4.0pm and never takes me out. When I asked if we were going out for Xmas the other week, he said "Oh do you want to go out. All right then" but there was no enthusiasm there.
He says he wishes he could stay longer but never does. Just lately he has been calling but not making arrangements to see me and I have been cool with him so he detects something is up.
However yesterday morning he called and said we could go out next Monday. I said we needed to talk and he said "Oh is it the season for that?! and I said to him "If you don't want to then just say and we won't meet up". He said it was Ok but I think he was just saying it to fob me off.
Then yesterday I afternoon I bumped into him in a local store and he said that he would phone me today and I said that would be nice so we could meet for coffee. Guess what he hasn't called.
MY friends tell me to go on my holidays on the Sunday and not to wait for him on the Monday. My parents live in Wales and I am spending Xmas with them.
The questions are
1) do you think this man really wants out of the relationship himself but is having difficulty letting go?
2) Only wants me for sex which is usually what happens when he comes round.
3) Do I end it by just severing all contact--no phone calls. He always blocks his mobile number when he calls me and expects me to then call him back in the phone box where he is .
4) His lack of a phone call today suggests that he is annoyed with me as he does not have the control anymore and he is punishing me.
5) OR do I need one more meeting with him.
Please help as I am suffering.
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I think you have not been dealing with the data at hand here for many years. Your immediate concern is about the tenor of his recent phone calls and control and punishment issues.
He is clearly - to me, on reading what you describe - trying to keep his marriage going. He is clearly chary of any major emotionally dramatic behavior from you.
What is your interest?
You want to keep up the emotionally rewarding sex life for another twenty years?
You want him to leave her?
It is rather unnatural in the way of things to keep up the high emotion of an "I can't possess him, he is so precious, so exciting" romantic life over years and years. Relationships progress, one way or another, but you are trying to keep things tuned to one string forever.
You have chosen to be with him (none of my business if only with him) for eight years of your life. Why are you tossing these years at something not going anywhere? And worried if he has an annoyed tone?
I can see fear of being alone as part of why you don't shape up and ship out, but to some extent you are alone in this, and not moving towards
connections with other people; I see him as false comfort.
Your self esteem and your health will pick up if you pick up yourself.
It would be courteous if you would explain this to him this personally, though I suppose by phone would do. But don't just not answer the telephone, that is a resort to adolescence, which I know you are past.
You need to stand on your own feet here.
It might help to get into some kind of counselling, or group therapy, some kind of support.
I don't mean to sound too curt, and am not without some sympathy, though the one I've more sympathy about is the wife depending on their marital understanding), who has had to deal with him and you.
