How to end affair--please help

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I have been involved in an 8 year relationship with a married man--he has 3 grown up kids.
It has been on and off and about 10 months ago I accidentally did bump into him and we rekindled the affair (stupidly, I made it very easy for him.
He phones me about every 8 days (this isn't enough in my book but I hate nagging) and often says that he will see me the following week but doesn't follow through. He then phones as if nothing is wrong towards the end of the week).
My self esteem is suffering as is my health. I think his wife is on to him as he never stays evenings (usually I take a day off work and he stays from 10.0 am to 4.0pm and never takes me out. When I asked if we were going out for Xmas the other week, he said "Oh do you want to go out. All right then" but there was no enthusiasm there.
He says he wishes he could stay longer but never does. Just lately he has been calling but not making arrangements to see me and I have been cool with him so he detects something is up.
However yesterday morning he called and said we could go out next Monday. I said we needed to talk and he said "Oh is it the season for that?! and I said to him "If you don't want to then just say and we won't meet up". He said it was Ok but I think he was just saying it to fob me off.
Then yesterday I afternoon I bumped into him in a local store and he said that he would phone me today and I said that would be nice so we could meet for coffee. Guess what he hasn't called.
MY friends tell me to go on my holidays on the Sunday and not to wait for him on the Monday. My parents live in Wales and I am spending Xmas with them.
The questions are
1) do you think this man really wants out of the relationship himself but is having difficulty letting go?
2) Only wants me for sex which is usually what happens when he comes round.
3) Do I end it by just severing all contact--no phone calls. He always blocks his mobile number when he calls me and expects me to then call him back in the phone box where he is .
4) His lack of a phone call today suggests that he is annoyed with me as he does not have the control anymore and he is punishing me.
5) OR do I need one more meeting with him.

Please help as I am suffering.

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Re: How to end affair--please help

trophy wrote:

The questions are
1) do you think this man really wants out of the relationship himself but is having difficulty letting go? No, he wants his cake and to eat it to.

2) Only wants me for sex which is usually what happens when he comes round. - He might care about you but not enough to be only with you.

3) Do I end it by just severing all contact--no phone calls. He always blocks his mobile number when he calls me and expects me to then call him back in the phone box where he is . - Yes. Tell him you deserve better.

4) His lack of a phone call today suggests that he is annoyed with me as he does not have the control anymore and he is punishing me. - No, he's a married man with a family. He is probably busy with them.

5) OR do I need one more meeting with him. - No.
Please help as I am suffering.

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I despise those freaks who cheat on their wives. The guy is a loser.

Move onto to someone else.

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For once I agree with gustav! He's treating you terribly and you let it
happen. If you don't want to be loved and respected, then you'll have
to start with yourself.

Kick his ass and move on!

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I've always been curious about this.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

I mean 8 years of being second fiddle?

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Are you asking how or whether? Your post really seems to indicate that you know you want to end it. So end it. That doesn't have to be too complicated -- meet with him, tell him you want to end it, end it. (I know, easier said than done, but.) If he keeps dodging you and won't meet, then it's an effective breakup anyway. So long as you don't hop back in the sack with him next time you run into him.

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HOW TO END AFFAIR
Thanks to everyone. I stayed so long because I do love him and he might leave.But lately he has been playing games and I feel empty and depressed.When I bumped into him yesterday, he made no attempt to make time for me. So yes I must leave fo my own sanity. As he is a coward i think he will avoid contact.Once when I was pulling away he said to me 'why dont you talk to me but it doesnt mean that i will listen'. I should have walked away then

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how to end affair
So shall I go away on Sunday and turn my cell off or will he think I am jerking him around?

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how to end affair
So shall I go away on Sunday and turn my cell off or will he think I am jerking him around?

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trophy- You have been USED, for far too long. He has a life, and you have his leftovers.

Dump the bounder. You will have much more respect for yourself if you do!

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gustavratzenhofer wrote:

I despise those freaks who cheat on their wives. The guy is a loser.

Move onto to someone else.

I despise those freaks who cheat on their wives and those who cheat with someone they know to be married. Goes both ways. So walk away from the guy Trophy. Stop playing with married men. They aren't worth it and doing so only makes you exactly what they are.

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Trophy--

Woman, where is your self-respect?

Quote:

So shall I go away on Sunday and turn my cell off or will he think I am jerking him around?

Your married lover is a jerk and you should get rid of him. If he thinks "she's jerking me around", he's right. He deserves an Ex-mistress for the holiday season and for 2007.

I'm guessing that you don't love him--or the way he makes you feel. I'm guessing that he's a bad habit and changing habits is hard.

Start living for your convenience, not his.

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how to end affair
Noddy, why do you think I dont love him? Because I want out? I know you are right ~I just need to hear it and he is one bad habit i shall give up believe me. As I am not playing ball, there will be no point in pursuing the affair from his view point.

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Re: HOW TO END AFFAIR

trophy wrote:

Thanks to everyone. I stayed so long because I do love him and he might leave.But lately he has been playing games

LATELY he's been playing games? Shocked

8 years and you think he "might leave.

You didn't at all answer my question with this.

What do you get out of all this?

List for us all the things you get out of being an afterthougt for 8 years of your life.

Money?
Sex?
A reason not to try to have a healthy relationship?
An excuse to not experience life?

You love him. What does that mean?

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how to end affair
OK will do the list.......Definitely not money--he never bought me one present just a few meals early on in the affair. Sex is good because of the emotion I put into it and the enthusiasm he has. Lately he asked me to get suspenders, it became an obsession and that annoyed me so I never did. Enigmatic character,interesting point of view. Talked about kids and asked for my advice. He was a challenge and he risked his marriage for me. I picked him up in my car in daylight 300 yards from his house so I thought he must love me to take those risks. Always had lots to chat about and had similar outlook....He could leave home at ANY time--it does happen. BUT deep down any suggestion of a future should come from, I should not have to talk him into it. He should be pounding my door down and he clearly isn't.

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Re: how to end affair

trophy wrote:

OK will do the list.......Definitely not money--he never bought me one present just a few meals early on in the affair. Sex is good because of the emotion I put into it and the enthusiasm he has. Lately he asked me to get suspenders, it became an obsession and that annoyed me so I never did. Enigmatic character,interesting point of view. Talked about kids and asked for my advice. He was a challenge and he risked his marriage for me. I picked him up in my car in daylight 300 yards from his house so I thought he must love me to take those risks. Always had lots to chat about and had similar outlook....He could leave home at ANY time--it does happen. BUT deep down any suggestion of a future should come from, I should not have to talk him into it. He should be pounding my door down and he clearly isn't.

Excuse me, but WTF are you talking about?

Suspenders?

That's no list of what you're getting out of it. I wasn't asking you to take a point by point of what I wrote.

you've been with him for 8 years because he "talked to you about kids and asked your advice"?

You've been with him for 8 years because you "picked him up 300 yards from his house"?

I think our legs are being pulled, and I'm bored.

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I think suspenders might equal garters. Where are you from, trophy?

I don't get a leg-pulling vibe, more that she knows what she has to do but is having a hard time doing it and so is hoping to get a push from us -- which of course we're happy to provide.

You know what you have to do, trophy, do it!

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sozobe wrote:

I think suspenders might equal garters. Where are you from, trophy?

I don't get a leg-pulling vibe, more that she knows what she has to do but is having a hard time doing it and so is hoping to get a push from us -- which of course we're happy to provide.

You know what you have to do, trophy, do it!

So what do garters have to do with all this?

I'm not even addressing the obvious, her leaving this guy.

She can't seem to express what she get out of the relationship besides she "Loves" him, and then can express what that means.

Trophy has a command of the English language, so I don't think it's about being able to express herself.

If this is for real, I'd bet the reason she stays in a dead end thing like this is because of the suggestions I made above. Meaning it's an excuse for her not to go out and have a life.

If it isn't for real, it's either gus or....well, it's gus.

So trophy, what do you get out of this deal?

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This is what garters have to do with it:

Chai Tea wrote:

Excuse me, but WTF are you talking about?

Suspenders?

When she talks about suspenders, I think she's using another term for garters. That makes sense to me. (He was after her to dress up in a certain way, she didn't like that.)

<shrug>

There are a hell of a lot of people who fall in love with other people for no good reason -- I've certainly fallen in love with people who, in retrospect, I can't believe I ever found attractive, but I did.

That doesn't discount that she has terrible reasons for staying with him, which could well be the ones you say (excuse to not go out and live a complete life, fear of commitment, whatever), but her inability to articulate a "good" reason for why she loves him doesn't make me think that she's lying about the whole thing.

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end the affair
I am from Scotland and I amnot pulling anyone's leg. This is real for me and I do need a push. I did want to tell him a few home truths but why should I put myself through that. He offers me no explanations for his behaviour and he must know how he is behaving himself without me telling him.

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How to end affair--please help

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