How to end affair--please help

Hi, sorry I've been out of touch with your thread, my power has been out.
What I meant by saying that he loves his wife dearly is that I think he has made a choice of her as his life partner. The other part of a team that raises a family and looks out for the other. Someone to share tradition and holidays with. Someone to care for in times of need and vice versa. So he has that with his wife and a fiery, romantic love affair with you.

Does this make sense??

how to end affair--please help
Hi martybaker,

Yes it does make sense which suggests that he was with me for the affection and sexual attention he was lacking at home and that was ALL he was after.

When I rekindled things a few months back--and we hadn't been in contact for several months--he told me that he was having family problems. If he has problems to do with his kids he tells me so I think he was referring to him and his wife. So if he was trying to make a go of things with her, then why did he so easily resume things with me?

However I did notice a change, in that he seemed incapable of meeting me in the evenings like he used to do. This leads me to suspect that his wife was very suspicious and it made me feel very "used" even though he said he wished that he could stay longer. Well that is in his hands at the end of the day.
Please see my posting on "how to end affair" for an update.

What i dont understand is why are you so confused?.....arent u able to see that he is using you for meeting his needs....he is not coming to you because he has feelings for you or because he misses you but he comes only when he wants sex......the question that might run in your mind is why you...why not his wife?
The answer to this is not simple but I am sure that if a person is not honest then definitely the reasons are not emotional ground, it can be only physical, unwanted desires......and when something is available so easily then why does he need to think at all.

It is a blythe assumption to take it that the fellow is lacking affection and sexual attention at home. One could also assume he is bored with that. Or feels put upon by that. Trapped by that.

Even mildly or greatly repulsed by that.

At the same time needing it.

People are complicated.

Re: how to end affair


Who cares what he thinks? Throw this bum to the curb. If he loved you he wouldn't still be married to someone else. No excuses.

Even if he loves you, he's too comfortable in his discomfort to change things. How long are you willing to wait?

Hi there,
Well I was doing OK until HE showed up in the library where I was on the computer.
He looked really shocked and so was I. I just said "Hello" and as I went to turn away, he ran his fingers along my lips!
Then he said that he was booked on a computer upstairs and asked me to come up and chat to him.

Well do you know I am strong enough now not to fall back into my old ways.
I waited nearly 2 hours and then went to his computer and I walked towards him but there wasn't a seat available. Well I walked off and he came running after me and beckoned me to where he was sat so that I could stand beside him.
He asked about work etc etc and then he asked if he could call me and I thought well I'll say "Yes" because I would like to hear what he has to say.
In earlier times he would have logged off the computer and gone straight back to my house. However that was not on offer from me and he knew it!
He was bright red in the face and said he would call me but it wouldn't be the next day because he had to get his hair cut and run errands.

Two days later I went to the library and logged onto the computer. Suddenly he came rushing in, pretended he hadn't noticed me and then he turned round and acted all surprised to see me.
He then told me that he was reserving the computer next to mine (there were others available upstairs).
I hardly glanced over at him but after 30 minutes my session was up and so I said to him that I was off. He again made a point of saying that he "would call me soon" after he had thrown some sweets over at me in a light hearted way.
I just smiled and said good-bye and you have guessed right--he hasn't called and I don't care.

I think he is pathetic, but I expected him to just say "Hi" when he first saw me and then to distance himself from me and not ask me to chat to him let alone book a computer right next to mine.

It really has made me realise how pathetic he is and, since then, I have avoided going in the library altogether as there are more that I can visit. I did tell him that I would be in that library most days, but then I thought, why should I always do what I say, and hopefully he will realise that I am avoiding him and have no real desire to see or hear from him again.

Your views on his behaviour would be appreciated but I am not spending any time pondering as to what he is about.

A guess: sounds to me like he is most interested in being wanted. That your "yes" to his question about calling gave him a thrill, and that he wanted to see your reaction when he didn't (all of that wrapped up in wanting to have sex, etc.)

I think it may have been neater if you said "no," when he asked you, but failing to go to the library probably stymies him, too.

That is, if you don't mind staying away from the library. If you wish you could go but he's a complication, I recommend going and if calling comes up again, be unequivocal about it. Like, "If you have something to say, say it. Now, here, none of this 'I'll call you,' crap."

Definitely sounds like he is just up for playing games with your heart for his own pleasure.

There is nothing more thrilling than the chase. The catch just ends the game.

You asked for feedback on his behavior, which I will give you, but I was also struck by some of yours, trophy.

He has a lot of nerve in running his fingers along your lips and yet it seems that you let him do so.

He has a lot of nerve in expecting you to come up to where he was sitting, and yet you did so.

He has a lot of nerve in continuing to attempt to keep you dangling, waiting for him to contact you. You say you don't care that he hasn't called and yet, you didn't tell him not to.

He has a lot of nerve stalking the places that you frequent putting you in the position of avoiding your routines in order to avoid running in to him, and yet that's what you are doing.

Overall, I think he has a lot of nerve, but it seems that he is holding some sort of control over you.

Whoa! To tell the truth, when I first starting reading 'he ran his fingers along my lips', I thought "That scoundrel! Pig!"

Then I read more. And your reaction.

I agree with JPB. He has a lot of nerve. There are other ways to put that which spring straight to my mind, but no need to go there.

Can I ask you...during those 2 hours before you went to meet him, what went through your mind? How did you feel? What made you go up there?

You could have remained at your computer, or you could have walked out of that building.

Trophy, I don't think there is a whit that can be done about his behavior (which I personally think is low).
The only one you can deal with here is you.

So what do you want?

I agree with flushd and JPB. Your former lover wants you back on his terms--and he is a bully and a creep--perhaps even a stalker.

What he wants--your submission--is more important to him that what you want--your dignity and your freedom.

Stay clear.

I agree that he is a creep Noddy.

Good news is that I have steered well clear of him and he hasn't called so not much more to say except that he did go out of his way to make me think he was going to call (with something to say), but at the end of the day, he has absolutely nothing to say. Maybe he was just feigning interest, trying to let me down gently.

Trophy--



Or maybe he was just toying with your emotions and had no intention of calling.

He likes you ready, waiting and submissive.

trophy- Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you see? You have allowed this man to use you, and abuse you, and yet, you keep hanging on to the crumbs that he tosses at you.

Personally, if I were you, I would seek professional help. I think that there is something extremely awry for you to accept this kind of behavior from a man. And you think that you love him!

Do yourself a favor. Dump the bastard, change your phone number, and get some therapy to determine why you put up with this sort of crap for so long.

I do not feel that I need therapy otherwise I would be seeking it.
I do not particularly like the way I have acted throughout the Affair and should have moved on years ago. Easier said than done. Other times when there has been a split between us, I have really wanted him to call and really missed him. NOT THIS TIME though.

However, I am now well aware of the controlling bast--d that he is, but am also curious as to his psychology and what makes him tick. He needs attention desperately and validation, so I rather think that he is the one who should be in therapy.

However, as I am staying well clear and cell phone is off, I have no intention of telling him this.

Trophy--

Good for you.

Truth is truth, whether you make speeches about it nor not.

Besides, your Ex isn't good at listening to speeches. He'd just ignore you.

Keep snarling.

I hope you will be proud of me.
Today I had to visit THAT library as the other ones near me, were down and I had to get online.

I went in and sat down to log in to book a computer and the chair next to me was empty.
Suddenly he appeared and I said a quick "Hello" and then proceeded to try and find my library ticket. So I didn't turn towards him but kept looking through my handbag. He must have been in the restroom when I first arrived.
I could sense his annoyance and then he asked me how I was.
I said "Fine" and then luckily his session was ending--good timing on my part!
I just said "Oh well you're off now " very matter of fact, and he said rather shortly "Yes, you should have got here earlier".
Don't you think that was a weird thing for him to say?
It was like he was annoyed that I had left it later than the last time when I had bumped into him so I obviously wasn't looking for him.

He then asked what I had been up to and I said "nothing". It struck me that he probably has been in the library mosts days and I haven't.

So with that I said "Well see you around" and I got up and walked right past him as I had logged on upstairs. He appeared to dither and then walked off.
I was so pleased with myself and even more pleased when his football/soccer team lost last night!.

After he had gone, I realised that I seemed totally indifferent to him which has to be a step in the right direction.
No mention of phoning this time--he didn't get the chance!

How did you react here?

It would still be nice to see you put a stake in the heart of this thing. You're indifferent and all but you aren't really taking chances to be definitive. Possible responses to "Yes, you should have got here earlier":

<Direct, slightly scornful look>: "Why on earth would I do that?

or

"I didn't come here to see you."

or

<cocked eyebrow> "I should've, eh?" <shake head, finish up, walk upstairs>

You get the idea.

Coolness is good, itself, but still seems to be leaving a door open. Go ahead and slam it.[/quote]

Trophy, well yeah, I'm proud of ya! That's really good.
You stood firm and went about your business.
That's huge.

You deserve a victory dance.

Keep it up. Soz is right, but I think you'll get there so long as you persist in not biting on any of his openings.
He keeps laying the bait, but you're not biting anymore.
You are still considering the taste of it though. Can guarantee it is poison.

No, I don't think it is weird at all that he said "Yeah, you should have come here earlier."
The way you describe him, it's no surprise he wants your interest...so that he can play with it and you.
And he sounds egotistical, very much about himself. He wants you to stroke his ego and it bruises it to have you reject his advances and to not have you come running after him just because he is around.

Pretty soon his baiting will be an annoyance that you simply can not be bothered with.

It could be so cleansing and good for you, man it would be a delight if I were in your shoes!! , to tell him to bugger off, what he is selling you aren't interested in. Slam the door, as Soz said.

keep keeping on