i think my husband is addicted to internet porn

once again, i appreciate everyone's replies and suggestions....you wouldn't believe how much it helps...

in response to your question, JLNobody:
"Let me ask you a strange question, one that may make me look wierd. Here goes: Is it totally out of the question that you let your husband tie you up?"

I have let him tie me up thinking he wouldn't need the porn as much...i even tied myself up to a chair for him to see when he came home from work! i read A LOT of the threads that were suggested and even more, and i found most of those women blew the situation out of proportion. i don't mind him looking at porn, i get that. i'm extremely open minded and far from being a prude. i love sex, well, i used to.....this whole thing has really changed the way i feel about it and myself.

my children are number one and i want to make sure i make the right decision, which is why i've decided to see a marriage counselor alone...i've tried talking to him about how this makes me feel and he minimizes it....i thought he may be right, but now i see that our problems are beyond porn....

he's the kind of guy that everyone loves and everyone keeps telling me what a lucky woman i am to have him....he is an amazing person, but there is something within him i am not able to reach or understand....

i promise to keep everyone posted....i am not one of those people who complain and complain about a problem and do nothing about it...i cannot let this be.....

thanks again!

barbunny, the best of luck to you. Your husband is a lucky man. I hope he will someday appreciate your whole approach to this problem.

Barbunny--

Seeing a marriage counselor is an excellent idea. Your feelings and instincts should be as important as your husband's feelings and instincts.

hey, everybody....

i found out my husband was looking at porn while i was at home again..i decided to approach him about it...he basically said i was hurting myself by trying to find out if he is looking at it while i'm home or not...i don't like checking up on him and i have never had to, but i don't understand this side of him...wether or not i find out he's doing it while i'm at home is not the point, it's the fact that he knows how it makes me feel and because he thinks i don't have reason to feel the way that i do he does it anyway....he said tonight he was sorry i felt hurt, but it was my fault for trying to find out and he's going to keep doing it....he also said because he is such a wonderful husband i shouldn't get so upset over such a minor thing.....

i gotta go, i'm crying so hard right now, i can't see....i just had to vent...

Barbunny--

Never allow another person to decide what you are allowed to be upset about. You are entitled to your feelings.

i know what i'm feeling is justified.....it hurts so much that he could belittle my feelings the way that he has...it's a side i have never seen and i don't like it......he's gone to bed and he's going to act like nothing's wrong tomorrow, because in his head he said what he had to say and he's decided what he's going to do and that's that.....i don't know how i'm going to look at him because this isn't resolved and i can't just "turn off" my feelings....

yeah, the two of you need to examine your feelings in a counselling context. Otherwise the relationship will suffer. I'm thinking that when you catch him doing porn he feels a bit ashamed, and shame and anger seem to go together. That shame-anger response (I've seen it referred to as "shame fury") may be what you are seeing when he ignores your feelings. Even if he should realize that you have a right to those feelings, he may feel that he need not forgo the expression of his drives because of yours. If that's the case, it has to be made clear up front and dealt with. Pardon my amateur analysis.

appreciate(forgive my spelling mistakes!) the feedback and i totally agree, i'm just afraid he won't want to talk about it any further, even less with a counselor! i'm really anxious to meet with the therapist so he/she can guide me as to what to do next.....i'm really not sure what i'm going to do about tomorrow or the day after that (and so on). I cannot hide my feelings (i could never win at poker) and with this "argument" not being resolved, i'm not sure how to act......arrrrrgh, i'm so mad and frustrated!! i'm so glad i can "talk" to "you" all!

That's why we're here, and so we can talk to you as well.

Addicts all behave the same way and your husband is showing the classic symptoms. Go to the therapist by yourself, it will help you understand the problem and help you make intelligent decisions on what you need to do.

thanks again ...i know i've said this before, but it really helps. i'm not as angry now. i'm still upset with him, but i think i should be able to sleep. good night! talk to you soon! take care

Barbunny--



Remember the old joke, how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

You can't change your husband--but you can decide for yourself whether his virtues outweigh his faults.

Hold your dominion.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~ Eleanore Roosevelt

Noddy is right.

You only have the ability to control the actions of one person: you. You can't be expected or expect to be responsible for his actions. Nor should you allow him to dictate yours. (or your emotions for that matter!)

good news..........my husband and i had a big argument a couple of nights ago about his porn watching..i won't rehash everything, but i did tell we need to see a marriage counselor and if he didn't want to that i would go alone....after a lot of discussion he said he would stop looking at porn altogether, just as much for himself as for me. he said if he couldn't go without porn than he really does have a problem and this is the best way to find out. he said that i was the most important thing to him and nothing should come in the way of that. he also said he didn't like what it was doing to me. i'll keep you posted. wish us luck!

Barbunny--

Good.

But keep the appointment with the counselor.

checking in - Barbunny
Hi Barbunny - I've been reading with interest your posts today & I'm wondering how it is working out? Did you both go to counselling or just you? You sound like such a conciliatory person and I so hope that you and your husband are able to work thru these issues and resolve them. It won't happen overnight, granted, but at least you've taken the first steps. Well don

I have questions which are kind of similar to yours, but different, and I'm throwing my hat in the ring in the search for ideas, suggestions & feedback. I would be grateful for any thoughts from others who visit this forum thank you so much.

Here goes.

My husband refused to go to marriage counselling to discuss the fact that he hid his porn DVD stash from me (his wife) AND he let me believe he had already thrown it out after I'd found it previously. The 2nd time I found it, he had merely culled the collection, moved it and hidden it in a different place. It was not so much the fact that he wanted to keep the DVDs, but that he hid them from me. I felt deceived. I still do. We had an enormous argument over what I feel were his "lies by ommission".

So, he told me he'd do "whatever it takes" to get things back on track. I made an appt with a MGC but now my husband refused to go citing financial inconvenience.

I am seeing a counsellor seperate to him (I've been seeing her for a while as his porn has been a problem for me for some time) but all I wanted was for us to go together. To resolve this lack of trust & honesty *together*.

But he said he wouldn't go as he felt I was going to "hang him out to dry" on the porn stuff. I interpret his indifference and refusal to attend as not caring about whether this marriage works or not. We've been married less than a year.

Does anyone have any other views on how to interpret his refusal?

I would be glad of any suggestions because I'm drawing blanks and am confused, disappointed and wondering what else to do. He is acting as tho there is nothing wrong. As tho things are normal. After such a breach of trust, how can he pretend his behaviour has had no impact on us? On me?

Is he living in fairyland or am I? I will do anything to keep this marriage on track, but what can I do when he won't confront the problem (him hiding porn/lying about it) and wanders about as tho there is nothing wrong?? He treats me as tho I am the one with the problem...

? Any thoughts gratefully received ... thank you so much for listening and reading I really appreciate being able to post something like this.

jazzie_b

JazzieB--

Welcome to A2K.

Is porn the only area of disagreement between you and your husband?

Hi Noddy

No, there are other issues we disagree on but we hardly ever talk about them. They are to do with trust, privacy, honesty. All the important things. I wanted to have counselling with him so we could learn to communicate on these things...as well as to discuss his desire to hide his porn stash. So. There were other topics up for discussion.

jazzie

Jazzie--

You might want to start your own thread instead of piggy-backing on this older discussion.





How long were you two dating before the wedding? What did your therapist say about your marriage?

You two seem to be strangers to each other--and each of you seem more concerned with protecting your own personalities than working on a marriage.

He feels that you are trying to take charge and change his life.

You feel that he's neither caring nor sharing.

You cannot make him see a marriage counselor. You can't make him stop watching porn. You can't force him to understand how you feel.

For the moment you might as well give up on marriage counseling, but you should be talking to your individual therapist about just how you wound up married to a stranger and whether this marriage is worth saving.

Hi Noddy - yes, of course, good idea to start my own thread. I'm so sorry (esp to Barbunny). I've only posted once and I didn't know this wasn't quite the thing to do protocol-wise!

I'll answer your questions in my new thread - "who is my husband?".

Thanks so much for this pointer.

Much appreciated,
jazzie