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Sat 14 Oct, 2006 10:32 pm
i've been married for five years and with my husband for 8. i found out, by accident, that my husband surfs for porn. this did not bother me, i asked him about it and he told me he checked it a couple of times a week. i asked if he would like it if i did it with him and he said it would be weird. i let it go. later that week i noticed he was surfing it while i was watching tv and when we went to bed he didn't want to have sex. i am very open when it comes to sex, i've asked him about his fantasies and been willing to fullfill them. i got curious and went looking on his computer and found hundreds of pics and movies about bondage, something he has never brought up when talking about fantasies. one night he came home and i had tied myself up for him, he thought it was cool, but still lied to me about the amount of time he spends surfing for porn......about 5x a week for many hours.....i know it was wrong to go looking on his computer.. we have talked about it and basically he has said it is my problem not his....any feedback?????
Where does one find porn on the internet? I might be interested in looking into such sites.
that's not the kind of feedback is was looking for.......
barbunny,
Wow, I'm impressed at the way you've handled the situation. Your husband doesn't seem to realize how lucky he is to have such an understanding wife.
Here is the thing. I would bet that your husband is ashamed of his interest in bondage. Perhaps he struggles with it, wishes it didn't turn him on, but can't help it. Maybe he doesn't want to bring you into it because he feels like it would be defiling you. So he's not letting himself really follow through with his true urges with you, which probably is going to limit his own enjoyment of sex with you and your experience, as well.
Maybe the best thing you can do is try to meet him halfway, and give him some time to relax about letting you into some of his fantasies...but I'd so be careful not to let it go too far.
We have many previous threads here on a2k on this subject, some of them very argumentative, most are informative.
Click on search up at the top of the page for old threads.
I'll try to do this and come back and give you links. Sorry, I don't have even one more response to this subject myself.
I would recommend that you not make an issue of his "addiction" if it is not affecting your relationship. I think that after a while he will "grow out of it." At least, he will probably change his fetishes. When it becomes a problem that should concern you, you'll know it in his behavior. In the meantime permit him his private fantasy life. And require that he do the same for you. Then come together as a couple without resentments.
he's bee doing this way before we met.....our sex life is not that great...and he seems different when we do bondage stuff....
Oh, that's too bad. It IS affecting your relationship.
a couple of weeks ago i asked that he not look at internet porn while i was in the house, he said he understood, tonight he was looking at it, i approached him about it and he said sorry and walked away as if i reminded him he forgot to take out the trash....i have no one to talk to about this......i'm not sure what to do.....
The way that you are telling it, it doesn't seem like your husband respects you much. That sounds so rude to say, and again... I'm just going off what you are saying, but I can't believe he would do something again after being caught.
Not just doing it again... that doesn't surprise me because habits are hard to break... but doing it again while you are at home then walking off and/or it seems dismissing it after being confronted.
It makes your situation come off like more than a porn addiction. ...like something you may need to seek marital counseling for. Have you guys considered this?
I know that every situation is different but I can tell you about my similar occurrance. For those who have read my past relationship posts please bear with yet another story about my ex.
My husband at the time was denying the fact that he was surfing porn. I was receiving a lot of x rated spam so I only assumed that it came from his surfing. Also, if he would have just owned up to what he was doing I would have preferred that over lying about it. Well about a month before he announced that he was leaving me I opened up the history and found some pretty explicit video. He was really embarrassed and told me to shut it off before the kids saw it. This was one of my concerns too but also how this was affecting our intimacy. While I was trying to figure out what was going on with him(he was still in the house at this point) I found his cell phone records. Not only did I find numerous phone calls to a female co-worker in another state office but a phone call placed to an escort service while he was away on business.
So if you are not comfortable with what he is doing I would suggest open communication between the two of you and a marriage counselor.
I did a search and got a list of a batch of threads that discuss al this at length. But - it seem too overwhelming for what is really a regular question.
Anyone wants to see the compilation of links to threads, just say.
there's no way he would go see a marriage counselor....he doesn't believe there is a problem.....thank you for your replies...at least i don't feel as alone and that it's my fault....
barbunny- Rest assured that it is definitely NOT your fault. Your husband is struggling with an addiction that he does not even admit that he has. An occasional fantasy is usually no problem in a marriage, but when one of the couple prefers this outside stimulation to intamacy with his/her spouse, there IS a problem. If he won't go to a marriage counselor, why don't you go? You need to have a plan in your own mind as to how you are going to deal with this. Good luck!
thank you....i didn't think of doing that.....that's good advice!
thank you!....i'm starting to realize it goes beyond porn....that kind of scares me...we have three young children (the youngest is 4months) and i'm worried what will happen if he doesn't try to at least meet me half way...i can only do this for so long...
Depends a great deal on how deep he is delving. Most men would turn to porn for a look, a laugh and because it's what we do. Perfectly natural I would have thought. However, if he is making a secret out of it and going into 'sick porn sites' eg minors, animals then he has a problem, and so of course do you.
It could be simply a self repression of his desires, maybe his mother flipped at finding a Playboy Mag under the bed and convinced him it was 'EVIL'?
In any event, you might just be putting too much pressure on him, the self bondage might have really shocked him you know! Sounds to me like he is confused and your not handling it right, (you really do mean well though) and I honestly think you should approach the matter sooner rather than later, using a MGC to assist you. Press the wrong button and it could be very problematical.
Good luck, you sound a very nice, sensible and caring person.
how am i supposed to handle it???????? i'm doing everything i can possibly think of in order for him not to feel like giving him an ultimatum. i'm trying hard to understand, but i have needs and feelings too...shouldn't that fit in there somewhere?........he won't go see a marriage consellor because he doesn't believe a problem exists....if so, then why do i feel the way i do?..
I once asked a man in Amsterdam what he thought of all the pornography in the public sphere, i.e., all the magazines on street stands showing everything imaginable. He said something like "Oh most of us find it boring; it's mainly for the tourists' dirty minds." I was surprised, but I can see how porno can become boring quickly.
Nevertheless, it is a major industry in the U.S., suggesting that watching it is not too abnormal, in the statistical sense at least. If I may say so, I don't think you should make too much of it, Barbunny. Or at least I would take a "watch and wait" posture. Don't make too much of an issue of his "fascination" with it. He may just come to see it for what it is, and in doing so realize that he prefers REAL sex with someone he loves.
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