SOS: Big Mo Meltdown

Mo eats breakfast before he goes to school and he gets out at 10:30 so it really isn't lunch time and he's really not hungry.

And I don't feel guilty. He HAS to go to school. I want him to go to school.

But you "punish me" thing rings so, so true, MMS. That is totally what it felt like today.

We have a very similar problem when he visits his bios. He wants to go, he has fun and I pay the price for a couple of days by dealing with a mean little boy.

Before I dealt with this mean boy only once in a while.

The prospect of having to deal with him every day is.......

unthinkable.

The good part I remember about kindergarden was getting to do finger painting. I think the interest of kindergarden will naturally gradually override the distress at some point.

If it's gonna happen at all, it's gonna happen now.

That doesn't mean it's gonna happen every day, at all.


Sozlet has lunch right before she goes to kindergarten, and has a snack when she's there, and she's still ravenously hungry when she gets home. (As in, even if it seems illogical that Mo would be hungry, he really might be.)

What about the thing about contacting his teacher and talking to her about this stuff? I see lots of possible benefits there.

Boomer--



You won't have to deal with this every day--just for a chunk of September.

The next hurdle will be a call from the school that Mo has talked two other children into helping him dismantle the bike rack.

Or Mo is holding contests to see who can stuff more crackers in his mouth than anyone else.

Or Mo is insisting on standing on his head during story time.

Creative children have interesting experiences. Parents of creative kids have gray hair.

Drop him at school tomorrow and check out hair dyes at your local drugstore--just in case.

Hold your dominion.,

I'm expecting the teacher to call me in for a conference any day now.

Right now things are so hectic at school and she really hasn't had a chance to know him that talking to her already seems....

I don't know the right word.

Out of the blue this afternoon Mo did volunteer up a story about an 11 year old boy in his class who said the lesson was boring and was made to wash the windows so he wouldn't be bored.

He carefully explained the bucket, water and sponge that were used to accomplish this task.

He added that the boy was a great window washer. That the boy got all of the mud and other stuff off the window. In fact, this boy was the best window washer ever.

Would a school really make a boy wash the windows if he said the lesson was boring?

Could Mo be this boy?

It is only day two and I am already beginning to regret not sending Mo to a small, private school.

Aw..... many kids have bad reactions at the start of school, some do it every year for years. Mo's does seem to be pretty severe. I strongly second the idea of having MrB bring him in to school to see what happens. It works in my sister's family when the kids are getting clingy.

Talk to Mo about how school is there to help him learn, but that their biggest job is to keep the kids safe. It's what I've been hearing all through school and what I heard at the emergency training session this afternoon (scary lockdown procedures for scary situations).

I think he's having not only seperation issues, but maybe safety concerns.

This belongs on a wall plaque somewhere!

Also..... Boomer.... you could try the gradual transition thing. Talk about what you will do first and talk through each step of the day the night before and the morning before going to school.

Now that you mention it, safety might be a big part of it.

Today we all rode our bikes to school and a lady, decked out in biking gear, congratulated us on doing so. This was the same lady who came to my rescue a bit later. The way I finally got Mo calm enough to go to class was by talking about how brave he was when he took the training wheels off of his bike. She jumped right in with how impressed she was that he could ride without training wheels and how brave he must be.

Today we laid down to tell stories (a prelude to napping, always) and Mo suggested a story about Thomas the Train's mom taking him to school. Mo invented several calamities to befall the two (the ground cracking open, Thomas falling through and getting stuck in the mud; Diesel 10 being the teacher) and together we solved all of the dangers Thomas faced.

Thanks, Noddy, for teaching me the story telling tricks of the trade.

Maybe when he says "I'm too scared" he means just that. Not that he's nervous or upset but that he is actually afraid that something terrible is going to happen.

We're off to the school picnic in just a bit. Mr. B is coming home early to go with us. I will talk to him about when he might arrange to take Mo to school....

Poor little guy....

interesting, read shirley jackson's book, life among the savages, in one story her son comes home everyday with a horrible story about a very bad little boy named charles, the story ends with the teacher staring blank faced at jackson, who mentions charles at a parent teacher interview

"charles, we don't have a charles in this class"

maybe there's a book in all this trauma (drama?)

I think Mo's picked up the excellent storytelling-as-a-way-to-work-out-feelings technique, and that's what the window washing boy story was about.

I can easily imagine that the central message there is "what happens if I'm bored?" You said yesterday that it looks like he might know how to read already. He's used to a very free-range, unstructured method of learning -- and he could easily be bored, especially this early on (when it's probably more boring stuff like rules and where the bathrooms are).

Until you know a lot more, I think it's a good idea to keep very close rein on the "maybe I should've sent him to a different school" stuff. I know you know that, just saying. I think when he asks implicit questions like that, you want to leap to the school's defense -- "Wow, I'm really surprised they had him do that. From what I know about this school, I thought they'd give him more fun and interesting stuff to do so he wouldn't be bored." That kind of thing.

Sozlet's best friend is going to a small, private school and is having a terrible time so far. I think a lot more, at the beginning especially, is about temperment and fit to the whole concept of kindergarten than about any particular skills or deficits of the teacher/ school.

Re: contacting the teacher, yeah, I know what you mean. I really think she (?) might appreciate it, though. Sozlet has some fluid in her ears and her hearing's not so great (not terrible, not great) and I wrote to her teacher to let her know, and got a very enthusiastic "that's so helpful, thanks so much for telling me!" kind of response. With teacher hat on, more info is better.

For you too of course -- like if you ask her the bored question and get some concrete stuff that you can tell Mo.

I think it would be good to contact the teacher. One would hope that this would enable him or her to help Mo better. I wouldn't go into too much detail, but explain he's recently been formerly adopted and has some detachment issues..... maybe?

My nephew had aterrible first day at pre-school. He was soooo ecited about playing with other kids, but then he was abasket case the morning of. He was then left at school (grrrr) because no one realized it was an early pick up day (grrrr). Anyway, he was resilient, he had a good time hanging with the teachers, he was ok when he got home..... we'll see how drop off goes tomorrow (today was a home day). I know that drawing out the good bye can make things worse in most situations (the kids gets more and more wound up - usually after the parent leaves they deal just fine). But, with Mo, I just could say whether making the good byes brief would be a good thing or a bad thing.

Perhaps an amulet or talisman of some sort?

An old locket of mine worked for one of the family fringes with a major aversion to changing kindergarten. I spent six morning driving across town to pick this child up and drop her off at school. By the sixth morning I had the talisman hung around her neck and on the seventh morning the hysterics had stopped.

That's a good one, Noddy. Boomer, I remember the symbolism of the winnie phase (what did you burn/bury?).

I'd just like to chime in that I think you handled the meltdowns very well. I imagine that a holding environment is very important for kids with attachment issues.

(Holding evironment is where you allow the kid to vent their feelings, while making sure that they know that they won't be hurt or be allowed to hurt anyone else.)

I definitely agree, and good of you to bring that back to the forefront, as it's important. You did good, boomer.

Thank you DD and soz. What a terrible day yesterday was. Encouraging words first thing in the morning really helped.

This morning went a little better. Today I made sure to be away from the bike rack so he didn't see me as they marched off to class. I noticed that they had assigned him a "minder" of sorts, I suppose to make sure he didn't make a break for it.

I looked up the schools website and I can email the teacher. I've been pondering what to say and how best to say it.

Boomerang--

Congratulations! You survived yesterday and you've been awarded three grey hairs (two of which have a slight curl).

I'm glad this morning was less stressful. What's the protein snack for the returning warrior going to be?

You must be very cheered that the school not only gives encouragement about parent/teacher communication, but makes this communication easy.

Hold your dominion.

I was wondering about that, too. My instincts are to just kinda touch base, get something going, not sure exactly what to say/ how to say it. I don't think you need to go into the whole adoption thing right off... can start simple.

Maybe something like,

Hi there, Mo had a kind of a tough time going to class yesterday -- today seemed a lot better! Do you have any suggestions for how I can help make that transition go as smoothly as possible? Thanks! Boomer

That is a nice and concrete thing for her to respond to, and opens the door for a lot of other info ("even though he had a hard time before class yesterday he did great once he was in class"/ "he seems to be a very bright boy and we'll be working to make sure he's challenged and engaged"/ whatever). It's also finite -- that can start a conversation and then the rest can come out more gradually.

I was thinking that you could ask her about the bored thing but I think that might be for a bit further on in the conversation.

Glad that today went better!

The "minder" thing is good, IMO -- they're noticing what's up (not too busy/ distracted) and doing something proactive about it. I bet it's less about preventing him from making a break than about making sure he's happy and secure.