SOS: Big Mo Meltdown

First, hugs. That sounds tough.

Second, in terms of advice, I think just stay calm, nurturing, huggy if he wants hugs, give him some space if he wants space. Follow his lead at first. Then maybe after a while talk to him a bit about kindergarten, what he thinks about it in general. Ask open-ended rather than yes/ no questions -- what songs did you sing today? (if you know they sing songs), that kind of thing.

I'm not especially surprised -- it's common in general, and from other situations you've talked about (swimming class etc.) it makes sense. As in, it's not necessarily anything bad about the school or his classmates or anything, just situational, another thing to wait out calmly and lovingly.

Glad that the school assistant was able to help, maybe talk to her too about ideas/ follow-up? What I've wished for you for a long time is to be able to have a person-on-the-spot who can give you advice and assistance. Sozlet's preschool teachers were so wonderful that way, really lightened the whole parenting ("whatdoIdo??") burden a lot.

Thanks, soz.

I just wish that once in a while everything wasn't such a drama with Mo. I really want him to get off on the right foot at school and this is not the right foot.

One little girl cried a little bit but she marched right into class with the rest of the gang.

Why can't this be easy for him? How can I make this easy?

I really wouldn't worry about the right foot. It's very, very common. We're much further into kindergarten than you guys and there was one boy who was SO sad every day for a while -- he's recently started perking up. Everyone seems to take it in stride. It's kindergarten.

It sounds like the actual first day of school WAS very easy for Mo -- it makes sense that it would be a little of this and a little of that before leveling off + finding equilibrium.

I understand how exhausting it can be to be the rock, though. You know it's working, Mo's come so far already.

Do you have a means of contacting the assistant +/or Mo's teacher? Email, etc.?

Seriously, I'm really looking forward to you getting some more grown-ups on the Mo team. (There are a lot of us on the team already, but nothing like someone who's THERE...)

Boomer--

Mo is a kid who goes for deja vu all over again. He takes first steps with poise and charm--then on the second step he does a spectacular meltdown.

As Soz says:

"He's only five years old."

"This is kindergarten."

"These are early days in kindergarten."

My boys both started school in London at the same time. The entry class Infant Teacher--like kindergarten--had a class split between kids from council housing and kids of foreigners (business executives, journalists, embassy staff). She asked me and another mother if we could help out several days a week.

I said, "Sure"--but I'll have to bring my four year old. That kid had two unofficial terms as an infant school student (with me on the other side of the room). His first Official Day of school he turned into a blubbering coward when I tried to leave the room.

We all survived.

Why can't life be easy for Mo? Life can't be easy for Mo because Mo is a kid with a rich inner landscape and a vivid imagination. He trusts you completely and has no trouble letting it all hang out when he scares himself into a corner.

Life can't be easy for Mo because Mo is a complicate kid.

Advice from a Maternal Survivor of Clinging Child: Be sure he has kleenex in his pocket and milk and cookies and a listening ear after school

You'll survive to dance at his wedding. Then he'll be some other woman's heart focus.

Hold your dominion.

boomer, it is not that unusual that Kindergarten seems fun the first couple
of days and then the kids want to stay home with Mom again. Especially
the boys have a hard time and experience separation anxiety far more often than girls do. I remember one boy in my daughter's Kindergarten class,
he cried every morning so violently, it was heartbreaking. 30 min later
he was fine and participated nicely in class.

The teacher then recommended that the mother leave as soon as possible
in the morning and not make a big fuss over his emotional outburst, as
it would just encourage him to continue. Lo and behold, she was right, the
boy stopped after the first week in Kindergarten.

I think, because of Mo's special circumstances, you feel that his behavior
sometimes is atypical to other children which is not the case - at least
not in this incident, believe me.

I also think that children need repetition in order to feel secure, and
having Mo in Kindergarten daily would be far better for him instead of
one day Kindergarten and the other day playtime. It is much more
confusing to the child, and the integration process into school takes
much longer.

I think boomer said elsewhere that the kindergarten is easing in somehow -- first half-day, then all-day, then half-day and all-day on the same day. The impression I had is that it will be everyday from now on.

I agree with the point about how some things that seem scary and red-flaggish are actually really, really normal, though.

How'd it go when he got home, boomer?

Thank you all.

It went horrible when we got home.

He got out of class and seemed fine. We got our bikes and he asked if we could ride to the store and get a slurpy. I said okay.

We get to the store, get the slurpy, go outside to sit and drink it and all hell broke lose. He was furious with me. He was screaming at me. He hit me. He "hates" me.

I try to stay calm, pitch the slurpy in the trash. Herd him onto his bike and head for the bike path. This is when he realizes that I have left his lock at school. (His friend Nic didn't have a lock so we arranged to leave it on her bike and that she would deliver it to us after school.) All the way home he is scream-cry-chanting "I want my bike lock" over and over and over and over and over.

Luckily we were on a bike path and didn't have the interference of cars or people to look out for.

Things didn't improve when we got home.

Finally he exhausted himself and fell asleep. Exhausted myself, I followed suit.

He's starting to rouse; let's hope his mood has improved.

Tomorrow is another day.

Let's hope my dominion hold up.

Hm, boomer, have you ever thought that Mo could be having a reaction
to sweets? Children can have an emotional outburst after consuming
sugary food.

You can't...well, not more than you already are doing...because easy isn't Mo.

BTW.....I howled from the second morning of school (which is after I understood I had to go more than once...I was utterly fine and fearless on the first day) for several weeks, I think.

This stuff is often very tough for kids without a secure attachment history.

Volatile child, isn't he? Good on non-verbal communication?

You're going to dance at his wedding even if you have to wear a chest protector and combat boots.

One more school day this week--just one more day.

Is there any way Mr. B. can drop him off tomorrow?

Right now his problem times seem to be before and after school. Can you start working on a comforting, fairly rigid pre-school ritual?

After school and behaving like a big boy all day, he's exhausted and ready to rip. I'd suggest no after-school outings for awhile--cookies and milk at the kitchen table and then a Quiet Time in bed or on the couch.

Perhaps some protein of some sort with the milk and cookies? You'll be catering to a very tired hero for the rest of this month until he gets used to the dragon-slaying routine.

Hold your dominion. You can do it.

My guess would be that he worries YOU do not love HIM as much...because you are sending him away every day now....and also, as ever with Mo, his self regulation sucks, and he has few ways to settle himself.

It might be worth wondering, if he chucks a wobbly like that again, and you are in private, if he feels like maybe you don't love him as much, or you are angry with him, because you are sending him to kindergarten.....and reassure him.

Re: SOS: Big Mo Meltdown


Boomer, first {{{hugs to you and Mo}}}. I know it's hard on both of you. He wants to be brave and you want that for him too. BUT, every playground of every school in the land has assistants standing at the ready waiting to help those children who get overwhelmed during the first few days/weeks of school. And every school in the land also has some kids who make it through the first day of school just fine and then hit a high-anxiety wall on day 2.



Sounds like his anxiety level is still running at a peak. I hope this evening is easier on both of you, but he might be a bit restless tonight at bedtime.

Take each day as it comes. It takes him some time to warm up to new situations, but he has shown that he can warm up to them eventually. The schools are more than used to it, so don't give them any thought. You and Mo are the only ones you need to devote your energies to.

The protein is a GOOD idea, as is the quiet ritual.....


All kids are very ratty after school....a snack including protein seems to help a lot....presumably a blood sugar thing, as well as an "I've held all this stress in all day, NOW it comes out!" thing.


I wonder if teaching him relaxation skills might be good?


It won't help for a while, but if you practice together regularly, he will gradually learn to do it...and it does lower the general stress temperature.

Has anyone suggested beating him about the face and neck with a rubber hose yet?

Boom,

Let me share this with you: My youngest one, Dalton, was placed into a very nice daycare while I was in school for cosmotology. Boom, he just about drove me crazy in the mornings, he was clinging, screaming, running away from the door, refusing to get out of the car. Some mornings I'd have to drag him out, carry him in..and hand him over to the lady in charge. Then she'd have to hold the front door while I drove off, with him screaming "Momma", and beating the door.

Afternoons were similiar to yours, I'd go pick him up, and I'd have this child that acted angry, he'd actually scream at me, just a very hateful lil boy.

I'd leave that daycare in the mornings crying and upset. I broke my heart because I felt like I was punishing my child for my own personal gain.

This rocked on for about 4 months or so, I even thought about quitting school because I couldn't stand the thought of my child being tormented because I wanted an education.

The truth of the matter is this, these episodes lasted till I was out of sight, poof, he was done. Afternoons were just a form of punishment aimed at me..as soon as we were home and out of the car, he was fine.


To get to the end of this story....I changed my attitude Boom, I changed from the all guilty mother who was tormenting her child by leaving him at daycare, to one that was firm. Like Dalton, this is something that Mo has to do, whether we like it or not. It will provide him more growth as an individual, he'll make new friends, and learn more than we can ever teach them ourselves (book wise)

So....to finish this....

After 4 months, I was tired of feeling guilty...this wasn't killing him, this wasn't hurting him in any way, shape or form. I held firm every morning when dropping him off, such as making him get out of the car, leading him by his hand, and walking him through the front door, a hug/kiss..a goodbye, "see YOU this afternoon", Poof, I was gone. I didn't acknowledge the screaming, I didn't look back, I drove off. And every afternoon, I praised him for his efforts. He was such a "Big" guy! "YOU had fun today, didn't you?" "See...Momma come and got you, I couldn't forget my baby!" "Let me see your work that you done today?"

And it stopped.

Boom, please quit feeling guilty, I know its hard for you....but like Noddy said, "Rigid pre-school ritual", stick to your guns.....and don't let him back you into a corner with him by making you feel even more guilty or that your the bad guy. You haven't done anything but love this child, and given him your total heart.

No.

By the way, exhaustion is huge with sozlet since she started kindergarten. She's sleeping OK, and she seems to love it, and she was doing 3/5ths of it last year in preschool, but still -- exhausted. I think it's a combination of every day vs. every other day (preschool) and the greater requirements in kindergarten vs. preschool (she has to try harder to stay with the program and be "good" as opposed to just kinda doing her own thing).

We've quickly settled into a routine where I get her food right away, like a sandwich and some fruit and milk (totally agree on protein), and then she just chills out for a while (drawing, TV, legos) before I even attempt to talk to her about the day. Before that she's squirrely.

Soz...

I had to laugh at your post, it made me think of my boys, who are wild cats when they get off that schoolbus in the afternoons. It all boils down the the fact that they are hungry. We feed them and they are back to normal in a short period of time. :wink:

Its amazing at what passes for a "school lunch" nowadays. My kids freak over the lunch menu 3 days out of 5. When I was in school, we fought over school food. It was the most pleasing meal........they put their hearts into it.

But alot of childrens attitudes and behaviors can be blamed on lack of food during school, and what they are being fed. Its a joke when a ketchup packet is considered a serving of vegetables.

(My "no" was directed at kickycan btw... ;-))

Sozlet (and I think Mo too) is in half-day kindergarten, so school lunch isn't an issue. Still, she works up a mighty appetite in just 3 hours. And that's with a snack in class, too!

(Totally agree about the whole "what passes for school lunch" thing though, oy.)

That sounds like me after a day of drafting irrigation.... in my forties.



I was a slowbee, I guess. I kept hearing years later that I didn't speak until I was four, and then a semi-sentence, "new car dad". I was pulled out of kindergarden because we moved; missed half a year and worried about that later when I was older, would someone find out? (Though now I'm not against moving as such, I kind of liked all that I got to see, even then.) I was fairly afraid of other children, being an only child, moving a lot, and not going to nursery school, etc... besides all the attachment matters.

Don't remember anything bad about kindergarden except that I didn't go in after recess one day and then tried to walk home. Lot of sturm and drang when they found me about ten blocks away...

I do remember, can still picture, the high ceilinged hallway where I must have thrown a long crying fit before somehow being pounced down in my seat in first grade at St. Monica's. Les Miserable...



I can only agree with the routinizing rituals, and the sandwich/protein and milk thing.