I have a feeling he's getting ready to leave me!!

You all make good points. But, "have his cake & eat it too"? What good is cake if you can't eat it? Ha! No, I know what you meant. I just want him to be absolutely sure that the only cake he wants is right here. But yes, your suspicion could be a possibility. But, I don't have the gut feeling that he's actually acted on it. He does have a job & wouldn't have a problem going back to his old life, it would just be a bigger life change for him than it would be for me. A step back & down for him. His job doesn't pay that well, but he's working with his family & he likes it. That's all good as far as I'm concerned, as long as he's happy with it. If he leaves me, he'll go back to living with his grandmother (his bedroom is still just as he left it a yr ago). But, he won't have a car, cell phone, or premium cable TV. I WILL.
You're probably right about the "toy boy" verses "man", & maybe I shouldn't marry him. I don't have many assets for him to take tho. I rent my apartment, & my income is from Soc. Sec. Disability (Major Depression & PTSD), so I don't have to worry about alimony. But I really like the security that marriage brings.

He wants a trial separation for 3 months. What was your response to his question?

It sounds to me like he is having second thoughts.

Tell him you do not need time apart and you love him and are ready to get married. Ask him if he is ready or is he not? If his answer is that he's not ready, then tell him you both need to cancel the wedding. If he says he doesn't want to cancel just delay the wedding, tell him if he is not ready now then he won't know if he is ready in 3, 6, 9 months and you are not going to be put in a position of cancelling and re-arranging a wedding one or more times.

BTW, who proposed to who? You to him? Him to you?

I am of the opinion that the year spent together, was with rose-colored glasses, and now he has hit reality, or has been attracted by someone else and is just not sure any more.

Tell him that you don't want time apart but you will cancel the wedding plans (hope you haven't told too many people). If he still wants to spend time away from you, then it is the first step of him leaving the relationship. Prepare your heart for this. The only thing you can do is talk to him and hope that he will be completely honest with you. It is better to find out and clear up things than to dance around a problem and hope against hope for everything to be rose-colored again.

I don't think either of us actually proposed, per say, to the other. We were just talking a few months ago and mutually decided that we were ready to make our relationship a marriage. I told him if he wanted the 3 month break, fine. What COULD I say? I'm not going to discourage him too much if that's what he thinks he needs to find out what he really wants. I've talked to his Mom, Aunt, & Grandma. None of them like the idea either. But they will keep me informed about his progress if he does do this. Not his every move, just things I might need to know, like if he starts dating someone else or something.
Maybe he IS having second thoughts, but I think that's normal. I was married at 20 yrs old. I had second thoughts then. That marriage lasted 13 yrs. but ended in 1992 when I divorced him because of alcoholism leading to emotional & physical abuse. I spent yrs. in therapy over that. Then I spent yrs as a volunteer counseling other abuse victims.
The road has been long......that's for sure.

Jm, you know that you are getting good advice. And we can give it because we are not burdened by the drives that have you hobbled right now. We are appealing to your reason, but it's your emotions that are running the show at present. All of us know what it's like to be "in love", to be virtually helpless in its grasp. That's why the ancient Greeks referred to it as Divine Madness.
I wonder how your boyfriend would respond if he felt that YOU are having second thoughts. Put yourself in the driver's seat for a while, if you can. Drive HIM a bit crazy. What the hell, can you take the chance?

Jm, yes, second thoughts are common when anyone is making a major change in their life. Ambivalence accompanies all major committment. But not cheating. His ambivalence does not tell us anything bad about his character, but if he is deceiving you that does.
By the way, if his female relatives like you, it says something very good about you, i.e., that they would like to entrust someone they love to you. That tells me that if your relationship with him fails, you are a person worthy of some other worthwhile person. Don't sell yourself short.

Sorry, I'm not following.... What sense of security are you looking for from this marriage? Age might be just a number, but so is the gap between your ages and that number will become a much bigger issue as both of you continue to age and mature.

Your first marriage lasted 13 years but, from what you said above, it was anything from a supportive, stabile relationship. Did you feel a sense of security in that relationship? I don't see how being married will bring you a sense of security. Particularly being married to a 24 year old boy who will (in all probability) start wishing he were single again much sooner than you will.

I think Eva said it very well, play as much as you want, but I wouldn't suggest tying the knot.

Hey, that's why I value your opinions so much. Sometimes it's hard to see the solution to a problem when you're on the inside looking out. If he moves out I do plan on being the crazy maker. I'll make sure my contact with him is minimal! If he don't go crazy wondering what's going on with me pretty darn quick, I'll be suprised. And sad. But I think it would have to be done that way. Because if he leaves & still knows what's going on with me all the time what's the point of leaving? He will be buying himself more than enough time to think about all that fun we've been having in the bedroom swinging from the rafters until the neighbors called the cops!!!!

JPB,
My first (and only) marriage started well & got progressively bad over time. The sense of security I crave I guess, doesn't nessisarily have to have a legal document stamped on it. But that would punctuate it. I want to know I'm IT for him. For us. Maybe I'm selfish? I've known, & tried to stay realistic about the fact that he might someday decide I'm getting too old & there's too many other possibilities out there. After all, he's aging like fine wine, right? But women age like milk! I've expressed that concern to him before. He has always insisted that he loves me for who I am on the inside. But that's not what I'm seeing now, because I haven't changed since last week. But I guess he has. Something has.

Well said, JLN - very well said.

To JMP, I say trust your instincts. You already know the answers to your questions; you really want us to tell you to fight for it or that you're crazy and imagining things... You're not. You're right. What you do, though, is up to you. You know what you should do... but will you?

Anyone who proposes a 3 month trial separation during an engagement is obviously not ready for marriage. In fact, they're not even ready for an engagement.

Don't settle for a false sense of security, jm.

Okay, we went out to breakfast (Micky D's) & talked. ( somethings wrong with my caps shift) he was scared half to death to ask me how mad I'd (oh, now it works) be if he wanted to put the wedding on hold! I just said, "is that all? Do you still want a trial separation?" I was SO relieved when he said "No"! Oh my God, he really thought I was going to throw a fit!! I have NEVER raised my voice to him. I don't raise my voice ever to anyone. Not even my kids. They know I'm dead serious when I speak slowly & methodically. and throw out the "F" word.
I asked him why he was so afraid to ask. He told me that he had been engaged to his babys mom. When he told her he wasn't ready to marry she got so mad she broke up with him & kicked him out, all in a rage.
He said he didn't want that to happen to us because he loves me & doesn't want to leave. Aaaah, I got tears, I felt so sorry for him! I just HOPE that really is all of it! He said he had been talking to his (female) cousin about it (in the bathroom) & erased the cell phone call info because she was afraid I'd be mad at her about it.
I guess I'll find out soon enough if that's the whole thing or not. He does seem a lot more at ease now. He ate for the first time in 2 days, & now he's napping (he works nights). What do you guys think? Could that be all of it?

jmparrack--

So the mother of his child is angry because he didn't marry her? I think under those circumstances I might be a bit annoyed with the guy.

I assume you knew about this baby all along. Now you also know that he doesn't like to make women angry--but he doesn't want to be tied down, either.

I'm not getting the picture of a young lover who is exceptionally mature for his years.

Does he see his child?

More importantly, does he support his child?

Wow, it's a good thing he decided to call off the engagement. If you marry him, you could very easily wind up having to support his child yourself, jm.

How long ago did become a father, refuse to marry the mother, and get kicked out?


Why would he think you'd be angry talking to his cousin?


Something doesn't jive here, jmp.

Assuming for the sake of argument that he wasn't planning on cheating on you (keeping in mind that most every cheater has a perfectly plausible explanation, i.e., alibi for their suspicious behaviors), he still sounds like no great prize. This guy positively reeks of emotional immaturity. Are you sure you aren't more in love with the idea of being in love than you are with the object of you affections?

jm, Are you really that gullible?

No way! I'm usually smarter than the average bear! His son is 4 yrs old. Yes, he sees him & supports him too. He used to be always behind on his child support, but I put a stop to that crap!! I shamed him about it, pointing out his responsibility to his son. He stays on top of it now. As for his sons mom, she & I get along really well. We call each other & hang out on the phone just chatting. Jordan is friends with her now too. They just can't get along living together. She's only 20 yrs old by the way. He told me, & she admits, that she yelled & nagged a lot. She says she realizes now, that she can't get along with ANY man! She prefers WOMEN!!! I pointed out right away that I do NOT swing that way AT ALL EVER! I don't judge what others orientations are, I've had gay friends (both male & female) before & theyv'e always been real cool people. It's just not MY thing.
But hey, my kids got me interested in myspace.com. I put up a site there with all my family pics! Go check it out! It's so neat! Just go to my URL it's
EDIT: MODERATOR: LINK REMOVED
Let me know what you think! I just can't get enough of it!

So she was 15 when she got pregnant and 16 when she had him? Isn't that jailbait where you live? How old is Jordan?

He's 24 now. The age of consent here is 14 yrs old IF the other partner isn't 21. Which he wasn't, of course. That still doesn't make it RIGHT, just not illegal.

OK, I quit. JM, you are either making up a great story or beyond help. Either way, I no longer wish to participate.