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I have a feeling he's getting ready to leave me!!

 
 
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 02:18 am
I'm a 45 yr old female, my fiance is MUCH younger than me. We've been together for 1 yr. & we've been very happy so far. We are set to get married in Dec. But I think he's getting cold feet. Lately he seems far away, makes excuses to go places without me, & he's been taking the phone into the bathroom & closing the door to talk. There's no way I'm going to listen at the door, I'm just not that type. A couple days ago he suggested that a 3 month trial separation might be a good idea before we get married just to be sure this is what we really want. I love him very much, but if he is thinking about leaving me I wish he'd just go! What do you guys think I should say to him?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 3,440 • Replies: 68
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Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 04:48 am
I think that this guy may have cold feet, but that another part of his anatomy is very warm..........for someone else.

I would ask him to leave, and request that you have no contact, until he can come to you with a definitive answer about what he wants to do. In the meantime, you need to think about the probability of having a good marriage with someone who is obviously unsure of his feelings, even before the knot is tied.
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 06:27 am
Best to find out now, before marriage.
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smorgs
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 06:37 am
I trust your judgement - it does sound like he's planning to leave you, or getting cold feet.

Is it practical for you to leave him? Can you get everything out in the open? Are jou confident enough to just ask him the questions directly?

Take the pain now rather than later, thats my advice for what it's worth.

I'm not very good at answering threads like this, but I HAVE been through a similar event recently. You will get good advice here, from people who genuinely care and try to offer possible ways of coping with this situation.

I wish you well

x
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 07:16 am
If my fiance gave all the appearances of having an affair and suggested a three month separation four months before our wedding, I'd take him up on the offer but extend the timeframe out to forever.

The next four months will be full of wedding plans and should be a time of joyous anticipation. Somehow I don't see where you'll overly joyous about the upcoming event.
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roger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 07:38 am
Like JPB, I would give him all the distance he wants. Forever. This sounds more like a failed marriage than an engagement, with both parties trying to avoid the pain and expense of a divorce. Most fortunately, that is not an issue here.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 08:02 am
Jmparrack--

Welcome to A2K.

Quote:
Lately he seems far away, makes excuses to go places without me, & he's been taking the phone into the bathroom & closing the door to talk.


This is not a gentleman. The unexplained absences are bad, but scuttling into the bathroom (and monopolizing the bathroom) for mysterious conversations in the home you share is worse.

This guy is not marriage material--throw him back to the floozies.
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nimh
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 08:11 am
Re: I have a feeling he's getting ready to leave me!!
jmparrack wrote:
I'm a 45 yr old female, my fiance is MUCH younger than me.

Ehm, wait. Are you 45 or are you 38?

jmparrack wrote:
I'm a respected state professional who has suffered from a mental disorder (bipolar 2) for many years. I'm 38 yrs. old, married with two preteen children.
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martybarker
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 08:16 am
Sounds like you are getting some good advice! You are describing things I experienced a few months before my ex left me after 15 years of marriage. Trust your instincts. Better to end it now. I have a friend whose fiance left her 1 week before the wedding. His behavior is pretty odd
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jeanniefranks
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 08:42 am
I think he's going to leave me
nimh,
I'm 45. My sister (who is 38) used my login.
Thanks, you are all wise indeed!!
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smorgs
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 09:28 am
Question
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smorgs
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2006 09:29 am
Confused Question
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nimh
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 08:32 am
Re: I think he's going to leave me
jmparrack wrote:
nimh,
I'm 45. My sister (who is 38) used my login.

Well, count me confused. The "I'm 38 yrs. old, married with two preteen children" was your first post here. So your sister used your login even before you'd ever posted here yourself?
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jeanniefranks
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 09:11 am
That's true. She was looking for more support than just me. Forgive me, but is that a problem? Is it against the site rules or are you just trying to understand?
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nimh
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 01:44 pm
Like anyone long enough on forums like this, some of us have become a bit suspicious about posters who arent what they purport to be. Its no fun spending time engaged in concerned advice about someone's personal problems only to find out they were making things up.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 03:48 pm
It also matters for another reason. Many of the regulars here post on multiple boards. You're login has been used to represent an individual with severe bi-polar disorder whose fiance is dumping her at the same time as she tries to figure out the cause/resolution for a probably neurologically associated drop foot.

In answering a poster who posts on multiple threads with multiple questions, we tend to heap the questions together and formulate our answers to the person, not the post. An answer to you on this thread will take into account your other conditions/situations. If those situations/conditions don't have anything to do with the post in question then it's all just smoke and mirrors. Which one of you has the drop foot?
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JLNobody
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 04:28 pm
I see your point JPB, but frankly, the question is so interesting that even if we treat it as a hypothetical dilemma, it is worth our consideration. I'm sure there are people out there in cyberland who can benefit from the wise responses proferred here.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 04:37 pm
True, and that is how most of us deal with questions we think may be hypothetical/or someone's playtime/novel writing/strange research (we got this cynical because people have done this) but ... given that these were really two sisters posting, the responses would be different, perhaps, if the quandraries posted belonged to two people instead of one.

I tend to think the present poster is being straight because of the seeming actual name as screen name. If this is so, Jparrack, could you please open a second account under a separate name and explain who is who?

If you don't both have a computer, I don't know how to deal with that - you could click on the Contact Us link at the bottom of the page and the moderators could talk to you about it.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 04:44 pm
Fairly rarely some of us regulars here do have a spouse, say, post under our names - but they identify themselves when doing so.
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jeanniefranks
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Aug, 2006 04:44 pm
I have drop foot. I'm really very sorry about the confusion I caused by letting my sister use my login. REALLY sorry. I didn't foresee the problem it was going to cause, but now I understand. I'm really very impressed by all of you and I hope you won't discredit any future posts I may make! I promise to never let anything like that happen again. If she wants your opinion she will have to subscribe HERSELF and make her own posts with her own login and profile. Deal? Can you forgive me please? I'm really good person, and I feel I have a lot to to learn and share here if I may.
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