Sudden interest in opposite sex

physical check up

Noddy24 wrote:

Carolsusan--

When was the last time you had a complete physical? Your reaction to this social problem may be complicated by a physical problem that has you feeling vulnerable.

It's interesting that you should mention that. I do think the emotional roller coaster I've been on the last few years has taken it's toll on me. I did go for a check-up last week and fortunately there's nothing seriously wrong with me except for some vitamin and mineral deficiencies. I'm taking supplements now and am trying to be kinder to myself so that I can regain my former strength and energy.

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If you've been living through stressful times, you could be more than ordinarily insecure.

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Insecurity
I never knew a person could feel so insecure. I can now empathise with Sad

countless other women who have been through even more devastating incidences of infidelity.

It rocks your very existence and leaves you shaken and lacking in self-confidence. It's very hard to see yourself as an attractive woman because somehow you feel less worthy as a person and someone who's not quite deserving of someone else's love.

I'm being very honest about my feelings at the moment. What makes all this very ironical is that Ive always been regarded as a cheerful and optimistic person, and I sincerely hope that I'll be that same person again when this storm does pass. Sad

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Carolsusan--

You say you're in good shape physically. You also mentioned that the last few years have been very stressful.

Consider the posibility that your situational stress may have progressed to chronic stress with a bit of depression thrown in.

You recognize that you aren't behaving like the Carolsusan you've known and been all your life. Consider talking to your doctor about taking a mood elevator until you're back on track.

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Re: What's up

carolsusan07 wrote:

I think he does enjoy talking to people who find him desirable and interesting, and perhaps his ego does need stroking

Is there any man (or woman?) for whom this does not hold true?

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I agree, but why must it be my husband and worst of all, why must I be witness to it?

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Situational stress

Noddy24 wrote:

Carolsusan--

You say you're in good shape physically. You also mentioned that the last few years have been very stressful.

Consider the posibility that your situational stress may have progressed to chronic stress with a bit of depression thrown in.

You recognize that you aren't behaving like the Carolsusan you've known and been all your life. Consider talking to your doctor about taking a mood elevator until you're back on track.

Thanks for your kind words and good advice. No doubt I am suffering form some kind of depression, because I feel a deep sense of loss. I feel as if I've lost a number of things, namely lin my husband, myself(to control my emotions) and not least a loss of trust in people whom I regarded as my friends. the greatest anti-depressant I can receive is to have a husband who's as reliable and dependable as he once was. Deep down I know my husband is actually still all those things,and will probably soon realise that he needs to return to his old ways! I certainly hope so!

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Re: Situational stress

carolsusan07 wrote:

...the greatest anti-depressant I can receive is to have a husband who's as reliable and dependable as he once was.

You are in charge of your own happiness, carolsusan. It is not dependent upon him. You are giving him more responsibility for your life than another person can possibly handle.

Stop worrying about him. Do whatever it is that you need to do to get yourself back on track, and the problems with your husband will sort themselves out in the process.

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I agree with Eva.

Maybe you need to talk to a counselor. Perhaps your doctor could prescribe an anti-depressant.

Why shouldn't you enjoy your life?

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Re: Situational stress

Eva wrote:

carolsusan07 wrote:
...the greatest anti-depressant I can receive is to have a husband who's as reliable and dependable as he once was.

You are in charge of your own happiness, carolsusan. It is not dependent upon him. You are giving him more responsibility for your life than another person can possibly handle.

Stop worrying about him. Do whatever it is that you need to do to get yourself back on track, and the problems with your husband will sort themselves out in the process.

I probably needed to hear that. I know i should take control pf my own life because I'm giving myhusband too much power over me. I think it's only human to enjoy that feeling of power.

I probably need to regain my sense of balance and proportion and depend more upon myself and stop hoping my husband will change or always take my feelings into consideration. I'm probably expecting too much any way; I know that I've always been a strong person and I can probably find that innner strength again.

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Seeing a counsellor

Noddy24 wrote:

I agree with Eva.

Maybe you need to talk to a counselor. Perhaps your doctor could prescribe an anti-depressant.

Why shouldn't you enjoy your life?

I have spoken to a counsellor (actually two) so at least somebody benefited (financially) from my search for an answer. The first one who's a family marriage counsellor said my husband should stick to mutually fixed barriers, to which he agreed in theory, but which he applies rather selectively. However, I did find her advice helpful.

The second counsellor is a registered psychologist who did help me in terms of understanding the dynamics between my husband and myself. Both these people felt that my husband was getting something out of the relationship, and her advice was that I should give my husband more personal attention (as if he wasn't getting enough already!). I finally got the feeling that she wanted me to accommodate his needs more than he needed to accommodate mine. She kept asking me what was I doing to the build up the relationship, which left me feeling rather insignificant as I felt I wasn't the one who had behaved inappropriately in the first place. That's probably why I stopped going to her in the end.

I agree with your last question, indeed why shouldn't I enjoy life, all this soul-searching has to lead somewhere so that I can regain my inner peace and stable frame of mind again. I am feeling stronger now, and might I add - older, sadder and wiser to boot! Smile

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nimh wrote:

Is there any man (or woman?) for whom this does not hold true?

carolsusan07 wrote:

I agree, but why must it be my husband and worst of all, why must I be witness to it?

If any man (or woman) would enjoy it, then by definition also your husband. You cant really expect him to be the one exception to resist or avoid something that pretty much anyone would enjoy, I dont think that would be fair.

In the end, I suppose, wouldnt a good relationship be one where you would enjoy seein the other enjoying him/herself? (Rather than there being some submerged sense of preferring the other to not soar too high because if he's down, at least you have the security that he's safely yours because there's nowhere else for him to go anyway. That sounds like it would only be a makeshift source of security anyway.)

Not even just out of some charitative kindness, mind you, but because, if you're willing to turn your head to the sun yourself as well, a partner who is enjoying her/himself and who by extension is feeling self-confident and vivid, can also benefit your happiness a lot more than someone who is safely homebound but mopy, insecure or resigned. I'm sure he's a lot more cheerful and easy to get along with than he would have been if he were not getting to meet people, other than you, who find him desirable and interesting.

carolsusan07 wrote:

I probably need to regain my sense of balance and proportion and depend more upon myself

Sounds like a great place to start!

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nimh wrote:

nimh wrote:
Is there any man (or woman?) for whom this does not hold true?

carolsusan07 wrote:
I agree, but why must it be my husband and worst of all, why must I be witness to it?

If any man (or woman) would enjoy it, then by definition also your husband. You cant really expect him to be the one exception to resist or avoid something that pretty much anyone would enjoy, I dont think that would be fair.

In the end, I suppose, wouldnt a good relationship be one where you would enjoy seein the other enjoying him/herself? (Rather than there being some submerged sense of preferring the other to not soar too high because if he's down, at least you have the security that he's safely yours because there's nowhere else for him to go anyway. That sounds like it would only be a makeshift source of security anyway.)

Not even just out of some charitative kindness, mind you, but because, if you're willing to turn your head to the sun yourself as well, a partner who is enjoying her/himself and who by extension is feeling self-confident and vivid, can also benefit your happiness a lot more than someone who is safely homebound but mopy, insecure or resigned. I'm sure he's a lot more cheerful and easy to get along with than he would have been if he were not getting to meet people, other than you, who find him desirable and interesting.

It has always been my philosophy to grant others (including my husband) what I grant myself. I want my husband to feel confident and secure, but at the same time he must show me respect in public and look and act as if he's glad to be out with me.

I am very sensitive to my husband's feelings and in the past, when I sensed that he felt unhappy when a member of the opposite sex paid me some attention, I would go to his side to make him feel more secure. My husband, on the other hand, reacts by ignoring me and continuing to be friendly to this other person as if he refuses to be told what to do.

I would just like a little more consideration on his part and more acknowledgement of the fact that I am his wife and that we are there together.

I'm fortunate to be in the position to be working still and so is he, so our time together's very limited. I regard it as a priviledge to be able to go out to places together, so I would prefer that he didn't spend a large part of this time chatting to other ladies. I enjoy it when we socialise as a couple because we can so rarely do it.

carolsusan07 wrote:
I probably need to regain my sense of balance and proportion and depend more upon myself

Sounds like a great place to start!

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Someone might call me an asshole, but this is an alert. What about skipping one church event and get facial done, get new haircut, get nails done.... and visit victoria's secret?

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Facial
I think you're absolutely right. As cruel as it may sound, we women cannot really afford to lose our looks because that's what attracts men in the first place. I don't think it's vain to indulge yourself with a facial and so on, think it's just common sense that one should take pride in your appearance. Cool

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It's called "taking good care of yourself."

Do it for you, not for anyone else. You will find that good men are attracted to women who are self-confident.

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Absolutely! Do it for yourself and your self-esteem will soar, not only because you're taking care of yourself but because you're taking care of yourself FOR YOURSELF.

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eoe wrote:

Absolutely! Do it for yourself and your self-esteem will soar, not only because you're taking care of yourself but because you're taking care of yourself FOR YOURSELF.

aha.
Shopping, nice change in the appearance, a few more items in ur wardrobe, nice make up will make u feel good and men like it. Razz

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Taking care of yourself
Smile

I suppose what one can learn from this is that feeling good about yourself starts with yourself and if you can find that strength within yourself, you'll be able to deal with negative issues. My problem for a long time has been that I felt very much down because of what I saw as my husband's disloyalty and I've had to climb up out of a very deep chasm to try and regain my sense of composure.

Actually, if I think of it , my husband used to be the one suffering from depression and I was the cheerful, optimistic one. I think his ego was boosted to such an extent that he gained more confidence and started feeling good about himself while the source of his self-confidence caused my confidence to plummet.

No doubt one must do everything you can to rebuild your confidence and regain your cheerful, positive outlok on life. At least my husband seems to be trying to be his old faithful self again and let's hope it lasts. The good thing is that my husband is trying to work on those aspects of his behaviour that caused me pain and while I know old habits die hard at least it's a change for the good.

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Really nice to hear such a positive post from you, carol. I see so much potential for things to just get better and better from here.
For you as a woman, and in your marriage.

I actually relate a lot to what you are saying. And you know what? Sometimes we just gotta cut ourselves some slack.
Life can get a bit crazy, and before we know it we are run down and not acting 100% like our strong selves.
But, we can change it and turn things around. We just get stronger for going through it all.

I think a major turning point for me was the day I realized I was indeed depressed, and went out and did something about it. Not bc it was inconvienent to others. Not bc it was affecting my relationships. But bc I got "Only I can do a damn thing to change it". And it's true.
It isn't a personal weakness. It can be such an opportunity to learn about yourself.
Relationship or no: it has been a huge lesson in giving myself permission to do things nice for myself for no other reason than it is good for me and I would like to! Smile

That was huge bc, really, when it came down to it, I carried a lot of guilt about having needs. I was feeling like I didn't deserve to have them, didn't deserve to have them met.

I really do think that as you practice just taking care of yourself first, the dependency stuff and jealousy and anger! oh yes anger! (my anger was often a silent protest) works itself out.
The need is taken care of: so it doesn't manifest in negative ways, ya.

I'm excited for you, carol! Smile

Have patience, take your vits, be nice to yourself....and I'm glad you're starting to feel better.
I also really appreciate your honesty - it's helped me a lot reading about your situation.

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Sudden interest in opposite sex

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