Oh, now I understand it. There are many older women, especially those who have been widowed, who are so hungry for the attentions of a man, that they will do backflips to get it.
Your husband is probably being caught up in these attentions. If you have a good relationship, I would not worry, and just let him enjoy himself. After all, he is past the stage where he could think of himself as a "hunk", and these women are flattering his ego.
In my neighborhood, which is in a 55+ community, we have what is laughingly known as the "casserole brigade". When a man's wife dies, many of the local widows will descend upon the poor, grieving widower with all sorts of homemade goodies. It is funny, but really quite pitiful.
If I were you, I would not get into a snit about it. In fact, I would make very light of it. I would say something like, "If I were to close my eyes tomorrow, ________________ would be all over you in a heartbeat. Be part of what is happening, and don't take the role of the adversary.
I get what you say and was amused in the beginning, but now it just irritates me when they keep swanning into his company and start taking over the conversation. Maybe I'm not sounding very nice about this, but that's honestly how I feel! Also know it's probably going to get worse, with men being outlived for the most part by their wives.
Carolsusan--
You've resented the Blue Hair Brigade for some time now and you're going to have to make a real effort to adjust your attitude towards being married to the Boy with the Belles.
The alternatives involve tacky scenes with shotguns or salting the buffet table with noxious substances.
Or you could just stay home?
I think I like all three the options mentioned in your last two paragraphs!
J_B wrote:This reminds me of watching my father turn on the charm to the ladies. We thought he was being foolish, they thought he was witty and charming. He made them laugh, he made us groan. They fed his ego, we rolled our eyes.
That's funny, JB. My father was quite the ladies man also. Everywhere we went, women loved him. He'd say nice things, hand out compliments, flirt, and they lapped it up. I was proud to have such a charming father. I'm sure my mother had a different reaction, tho.
Exactly, it's not quite so charming to be married to the local charmer. It really makes my day, when some of these ladies tell me what a charming husband I have and how lucky I am to have someone like him. Of course he laps all this up and would start purring like a cat if he could!
Carolsusan--
Quote:think you're right, but my husband adamantly denies that his ego is boosted. He says he is just being kind to the ladies, especially those who are alone.
Men! He wouldn't encourage the Blue Hair Brigade if he didn't enjoy the attention. Not only is he going home with you, he's seeing these ladies in public, thoroughly chaperoned by you and the community.
Remember back to his High School days--was he more of a Football Hero or a Nerd? I'm guessing you may be seeing the Flowering of a Nerd. You took over where his mother left off and developed his self-confidence and charm. He's outlived the Football Heroes--or perhaps they've gone flabby.
Now he's the masculine version of the Belle of the Ball.
Unfortunately, as Jespah pointed out, adorable men in our age range are getting fewer and fewer. Women--whether adorable or not--have a longer life span.
Don't be threatened by his fan club. The ego stroking will probably increase his life span. Enjoy!
It just shows if you live long enough, you too can become a hero. My husband did actually say to me after he met this one rather forward and outgoing, widow that he never received such attention when he was young, therefore he didn't know how to deal with it. But boy, he has learnt quickly enough!!
That is a good attitude to take. It's also about the only attitude you can take that won't make things worse.
And, from a man's perspective, there is really nothing like having a bunch of women compete over you to overall lift your spirits. It's much better that his spirits be lifted in this fashion then him to slow down and get grumpy with you.
I appreciate your pespective, but somehow or other it's less enjoyable for me to watch his spirits being lifted. It's not that I don't love him enough to want the best for him, on the contrary, that's what I'm there for, isn't it?
carolsusan07 wrote:J_B wrote:This reminds me of watching my father turn on the charm to the ladies. We thought he was being foolish, they thought he was witty and charming. He made them laugh, he made us groan. They fed his ego, we rolled our eyes.
I'm not sure how old your husband is or how long you've been married, but I think he's just enjoying a new audience and getting an ego boost from the attention.
Your father's behavior might have made you groan and roll your eyes, but I'm curious to know how your mother dealt with it. It sounds as if I'm closer to her age than yours, having been married for nearly forty one years.
She ignored it. I have no way of knowing her actual thoughts, but she gave no outward appearance that it bothered her in any way. We'd ask her sometimes why she put up with it and she'd shrug and say he wasn't hurting anyone. I think she knew it wasn't going anywhere emotional, just friendly banter that boosted his ego and put a smile on his face.
Interestingly, as he got older and they faced his progressive dementia, she was the only one he was comfortable being with. There were no widows flocking around at that point.
What is it that really bothers you about this, cs07? Is it that they're swanning into his company and taking over the conversation, or that he seems to be enjoying the attention? Does he leave you in the dust and rush off at any request to change a lightbulb, or are you somehow simply feeling invisible to him (or to them)? What was life like before the merry dames discovered your husband? What's it like now?
Sorry for playing twenty questions, but you sound jealous, which is usually a reflection of your own feelings about yourself or your relationship, rather than a testement to what's actually going on.
What I don't enjoy is when he goes off in the midst of a function to chat to these ladies; it makes me feel invisible and worthless. So, to answer your question, yes, I am jealous because he was always there for me before.
carolsusan07 wrote:It really makes my day, when some of these ladies tell me what a charming husband I have and how lucky I am to have someone like him. Of course he laps all this up and would start purring like a cat if he could!
As well it should. Seriously, take it as the compliment it was intended to be.
carolsusan07 wrote:... somehow or other it's less enjoyable for me to watch his spirits being lifted. It's not that I don't love him enough to want the best for him, on the contrary, that's what I'm there for, isn't it?
Ah, now I think we're getting somewhere. Do you perhaps think that his new-found buoyancy is a reflection that you haven't done enough to make him happy? If so, then I think you've set much too high a standard for yourself. He isn't/wasn't unhappy - he's told you as much - but no one should look to one source for all their pleasure in life.
carolsusan07 wrote:Thanks for sharing that with me. Your mother sounds as she has the qualities of a saint; which I probably need more of. It's also very touching that she was there for him when he needed it the most. It is sobering to think how circumstances can change for all of us, even for those who are the most vivacious and charming!
Thank you, she was a saint in my eyes, and I miss her. One never knows what the future may bring. Rather than letting your husband's new spark bring you down, realise that it's all being done in fun, and is no reflection on you or what kind of wife you are. If you can release the jealous feelings, you might find yourself able to get a new spark of your own!
carolsusan07 wrote:What I don't enjoy is when he goes off in the midst of a function to chat to these ladies; it makes me feel invisible and worthless. So, to answer your question, yes, I am jealous because he was always there for me before.
I don't have a magic mirror that lets me see exactly what's going on, but I think, in the grander scheme of things at least, he's still there for you.
Perhaps I'm just not altruistic enough to want to share my hubby with someone else. Perhaps he's always been so friendly towards other women but I only started to notice it when we became friends with some widows in our cell group and I noticed them batting their eyelids so to speak when they were talking to him. I think I need a mind transplant to stop minding when they come over and take up his attention.Carolsusan--
Quote:Yes, he has left me alone on occasions. He was very contrite when I pointed it out to him that I felt bad about his leaving me laone. His excuse was that he felt very sorry for this specific widow and he didn't want her to feel left out at a function, so instead it was I who felt left out and she felt very much included.
So, he sees himself as a self-appointed savior of widows. (Are there any orphans in the picture he could befriend?)
He's wrong to leave you sitting at a table by yourself to make some other woman happy. On the flip side, do you have to remain sitting at the table? Can you get up and find some interesting conversation for yourself?
Of course I could get up and find my own conversation when I stop being mad at him for being so inconsiderate. I must add that he's more careful about this type of behaviour nowadays. I was actually caught unawares, because it was new to me that he regarded himself as the saviour of all widows. He's also more careful now about not singling one particular widow out quite as frequently as before; in case she became too dependent on the personal attention he was bestowing on her.
Personally, I've noticed women of our age are frequently more interesting than men. If I hear one more time, "I just told the receptionist that I don't do mornings any more. The doctors have to see me in the afternoons." I may express my sympathy for the office staff.
