Bolt out of the Blue

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Yes, I'm up. It's almost 3 o'clock in the morning here and I can't sleep.

Why, you may ask. Well, it's like this.

Tonight (or maybe it's considered last night by now), at about 8:45 or so, the phone rings. I'm nuts, I pick it up. It's D___. Well, this is a surprise. D___ and I have known each other since 6th grade but she hasn't called (I don't seem to call her, I'm realizing now) for about 7 years. We have not seen one another for something like 18 years. We are not exactly close, but we exchange holiday cards and letters.

Her: Hi! We're going to be in your area, and you always said you'd love to see us if we were in town ...
Me: Yes, it's been a long time.
Her: ... so we'd like to stay with you.
Me: Huh? I don't think ..
Her: We're bringing M___ (their son) up to college the weekend before Labor Day and then on the way back -- that's Labor Day weekend -- we figured we'd come by and stay with you!
Me: Well, you really can't ...
Her: Oh there's also before we bring him to school, if that's better. It'll be me and K___ (her husband) and our daughter, L___. We'd love to spend some time with you.
Me: Oh. Well, um, I'd have to ask RP.
Her: Yes, please do! I'd love to meet him!
Me: Oh, um, well this is a big scary and dirty old house.
Her: That's okay, we're used to big, scary, dirty old houses!
Me: Well, there's Cape Cod. We're going to be going there soon, I'd have to check the calendar.
Her: We do have other friends we might be able to stay with.
Me: That would be great. We could see you for dinner or something.
Her: We'd like to spend more time with you than that.
Me: Well, I also have school. I'd have to check my schedule on that. I have a lot of studying I have to do.

And then she started tangenting off into other stuff (including her politics, oy) and the conversation went on for a good half hour or so and I barely got a word in vertical. All I really wanted was to escape the call as fast as possible. Finally, I heard her husband say something in the background.

Me: Oh, I didn't hear him.
Her: K__ said he has to use the phone.
Me: Oh, well, then thanks for calling.
Her: But it'll be fast! We can call right back!
Me: Oh, but, um, we're going to watch the game. You know, the Red Sox won't win unless we watch.
Her: Okay, well, it was good to talk to you, here's my number, call on Friday or Saturday and we can work out details. Bye!

If you've followed http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=79299 at all, you'll see this is not the first time that someone with few boundaries has tried to take advantage of me.

And, yeah, yeah, yeah, I readily admit that I did not out and out say to her, You cannot stay at my house. But, really, argh, I made about every other noise about it being difficult, inconvenient and downright bad for them to stay here. I realize that she wants to be friendly and all that, but we don't chat on the phone and we barely write letters or email. We were not best buddies in school, even. I have known her since 6th grade, sure, but it was really only 7th grade or so that we were at all close. That was when I was 11. I am now almost 44. I don't need this crap.

The more and more I think about this, the angrier I get. I don't enjoy being used/freeloaded off of. Maybe we're nuts, but RP and I just don't like having people stay over unless they're just close family. My folks have stayed here many times, and they have no problem tolerating the lax housekeeping, the one and only shower with wonky plumbing, the fact that we don't do touristy things and that the main activity of the day is often a nice chat by the fire or watching a movie. Hey, our lives are action-packed. But that's how we are, it's what we like. And I just don't want to share that with people who, frankly, we barely know anymore even if we did know some of them (such as the husband) at all. I think I may have met the son when he was an infant. I never, ever met the daughter. RP hasn't met any of them (the last meeting I can remember was a few months before he and I met).

Anyway, our minds are made up: there's no way in hell that they're staying here. We wouldn't mind seeing them for dinner or something with very little commitment on our parts, but we are not hosting them here for a weekend. Nuh-uh. Not in this lifetime.

So, my predicament is, what to do? I see three options, perhaps you see more. These options are in the poll and I will elaborate.

"Forget" to call and then just screen calls from 5 - 11 PM from now until the end of Labor Day Weekend
Email to say we can't have them over. Blame school and maybe even throw in Cape Cod. Don't worry too much about screening calls.
Call to say we can't have them over. Blame school and maybe even throw in Cape Cod. Don't worry too much about screening calls.

I'm pissed off and am just about ready to do #1 and forget about being courteous, even though I am well aware that that will end whatever vestiges of the friendship remain. Right now, I'm not too broken up about that possibility because I'm so annoyed. But I also realize that #1 is rather passive aggressive and I hate screening calls because if my folks or inlaws call, RP and I would like to be able to answer our phone in our own home. #2 has its merits as it would be less passive aggressive and would at least get it out there that it ain't happening. But there might be a follow up call so we would probably end up screening calls anyway so many of the advantages of the #2 approach would disappear. Also, D__ claims that she rarely looks at a computer during the summer so it'll probably end up having a similar effect to #1, but with the added not-so-cool bonus of something in writing pinning us down one way or the other. #3 is the most direct but I don't know how well I can pull it off. I already tried talking and I was talked over more than anything else, although a lot of that had to do with how surprised I was at the call -- and then the brazen self-invitation. I realize that #3 is the most mature but right now I'm angry and would rather not be that nice about things. Right now, I feel like she doesn't deserve the treatment. Also, she's already misinterpreted what I felt were pretty clear communications. My writing in an Xmas card, "We'd love to see you if you come to town" is a far cry from, "Come over and freeload off us for a weekend whenever you feel like it!" Hence I come back to #1. Even if that's also misinterpreted, at least it's less effort on my part. Right now I just don't want to expend the energy. Yeah, I'm that miffed.

What would you do? And don't say you'd have her over. That ain't happening.

PS Thank you in advance.

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I suggest call and say you won't be able to host them. I know it is awkward but 1. It is better to get it over and done with 2. They know well in advance so that they can make alternate arrangements 3. They know that they can't do this in the future

Honesty and Bravery.. Very Happy

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Poor you! Seriously. Totally get where you are coming from.

"And don't say you'd have her over. That ain't happening." Laughing

Wouldn't dream of it.

I'd go with #3. Wait a day, two, however long you need til the urge to want to strangle her subsides.

#1 is tempting, but really will take more energy and be more annoying and screw around with your lives a lot in the long run. She doesn't deserve that much time in your head.

You reminded me of something similiar that happened to me, that really pissed me off and tempted me into going a #1 even though I usually go for a #3. An old co-worker, who I was never tight with but who cleaved onto me with all her might, called me not very long ago - from the pysch. ward of a hospital! When we were working together we maybe went out for drinks once or twice, during which she spilled her whole life story and frankly scared me a little bit. Oh, and her crappy car needed boosting that night and SHE watched ME do the work while she stood complaining and looking at her claw-nails.
Anyways, she called SEVERAL times from the hospital and there was no way I could block the number - the 3 doesn't show up bc it's the pysch ward phone. shhii...she was inviting herself to my place, (gonna just escape or walk out the door i guess)...had all these ideas/plans of me buying her drinks, drugs, taking her out and taking care of her!!!

curse swear damn. It's very maddening, yes. Laughing

Best to pull that band-aid off fast. Good luck!

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((jespah))...

Of course, 3 would be the best choice. If you're really not up to it, and also if you're worried that she won't even let you get your word across, first do 2 (and then 3 will anyway follow). That way (with an e-mail), there won't be anything open to misinterpretation...

And maybe you could mention to her what you just told us - that although you're friendly, you have only close family to stay over at your place. That's how you are.
(Me too jespah ...I love having friends over for dinner but NO staying over the weekend etc)...

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For your sanity make it short and sweet. Why stew for hours or days, when a short call will make it stop. Be polite (I love you people. But . . .). It's what I would do anyway.

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You have my sympathy.

My extended family is scattered along the eastern seaboard and I happen to live six hours from most people--a very convenient place for cousins to crash on the way from point "A" to point "B".

Some cousins are pleasanter people than other cousins. In fact, the cousins-in-transit tend to be the kinfolk with character flaws.

I've tried Free Lodging in the name of family. I never had a good time and began dreading the summer migrations, compounding the agony.

After several years as Reluctant Hostess, one of my legs broke and I decided that a fracture of the femur could put me out of the loop with no hard feelings. Impossible Cousin announced arrival. I explained broken leg. She insisted on coming anyway and the visit was one of the worst ever.

Two years later I had a summer during which I was being treated with both radiation and chemo. Impossible Cousin called and announced that she had run into a snag with the paperwork for her DAR application. Would I drive to Harrisburg and straighten this out for her?

I said "No." She argued that an outing would be "good" for me. I repeated, "No and moved on to explain just how offensive I found her as a guest, a family member and a human being."

I've ignored attempts to patch up this "silly rift" (with convenient break-the-journey lodging now unavailable). Every so often the ghosts of my foremothers whisper that after all, R. is family and.....

I don't listen to them.

Long digression, that was.

I'd call Girlhood Friend to make arrangements for dinner. When Girlhood Friend announces that they had planned on free room and board for the entire Labor Day weekend, explain that this is impossible at this time.

Interrupt if you must. Sometimes the only way to stop a backhoe is to use a bulldozer.

Repeat "No" as needed. Scream if necessary.

Hold your dominion.

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People with few boundaries are also people who have selective hearing, in my experience.

You don't need an excuse, nor do people who attempt to invite themselves into your house deserve an excuse. They'll say they won't be any trouble, but an hour after they arrive they'll be complaining that you don't have the right flavor of Doritos.

My advice is to call her up, say you've thought about it, and that it isn't going to work for them to stay with you.

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Send her a singing telegram (or did they stop that service along with the regular telegraph service?)

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Another vote for number 3.

If you don't want to meet for even dinner or coffee, maybe something like:

"Hi D, it's me, J. I thought maybe we could work something out (for lunch, coffee, dinner), but it just isn't doable...I know you're disappointed, but we just can't, we're not up to it."

If you feel like being charitable, suggest a reasonably priced hotel close to their destination.

When she presses you:

"I know, I know, but we can't."

You'll have to repeat it,

"D, we can't." (said with finality)

You could add a "sorry" at this point, if you are...even a tiny bit.

Personally, I'd try to resist the urge.

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People take advantage because you allow it.
It's that simple.
Grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself and what you want and don't want.
Excuses aren't necessary.

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Tell her, "It was nice to hear from you again after all these years, and meeting for dinner would be fun if our schedule permits. But I'm not much of a housekeeper, so I don't do houseguests. Can I recommend a nice hotel instead?"

Geez...people without boundaries. I'm struggling with one now myself. They make it so difficult to be pleasant.

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eoe wrote:

People take advantage because you allow it.
It's that simple.
Grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself and what you want and don't want.
Excuses aren't necessary.

Well, that's easily said, but harder to do when you are a genuinely nice person trying to be congenial.

I'd do #3.

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Noddy24 wrote:

I'd call Girlhood Friend to make arrangements for dinner. When Girlhood Friend announces that they had planned on free room and board for the entire Labor Day weekend, explain that this is impossible at this time.

Interrupt if you must. Sometimes the only way to stop a backhoe is to use a bulldozer.

Repeat "No" as needed. Scream if necessary.

Hold your dominion.

That sounds good to me. I think a direct call is the only thing that will work, and a dinner olive branch makes it a little easier to stick to the "absolutely not" when it comes to staying with you.

I can't imagine an acquaintance ANNOUNCING that she's staying. We've had members of E.G.'s family drop in at a moment's notice, but they've been actual low-maintenance housepests. I've had old friends stay with me but they always ask, and take no for an answer. Annoying.

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Ticomaya wrote:

eoe wrote:
People take advantage because you allow it.
It's that simple.
Grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself and what you want and don't want.
Excuses aren't necessary.

Well, that's easily said, but harder to do when you are a genuinely nice person trying to be congenial.

I'd do #3.

This is one thing I've learned in my 50 years on the planet. People will take advantage of you, whether deliberately or not. But it doesn't call for you to be mean or nasty or ugly with them at all. You can be nice and congenial and still say no, that won't work for us and leave it at that. No excuses, no explanations, that's just the way it is.

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i voted for an impersonal "not happening" by e-mail.

listening to one half of the phone conversation last night, i can only surmise that this woman is afflicted with a bad case of Social Graces Deficiency.

obvious hints were dropped.
pauses were awkward and lengthy.

most people would've processed these clues and realized they were barking up the wrong tree...

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RP and Jes, She's obviously just looking for a free place to crash in Bahstin. I wouldn't spend to much time trying to spare her feelings. Just send an email. "No can do, sorry."

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I'm with Joeblow, but maybe even less gently.

Take the initiative and call before she expects to hear from you, so she's got nothing prepared.

"Hi X. Sorry we got cut off when you called. It might have been nice to have coffee with you while you're here, but it won't work out. Buh bye."

and then on to no and no and no and no and no (if you can't hang up quickly enough)

Not sure what the purpose of the ongoing relationship with this type of person is, but maybe a push-back is required.

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I vote for #3, for your own self-respect. Doing it now will also give you practice for handling future moochers.

I had an almost identical thing happen some years ago, and I caved and let Childhood Friend and family stay with us. By the end of the weekend, my husband was in major sulks because I refused to let him kill Childhood Friend, and I discovered that she hated cigarettes and began to smoke heavily. I almost let my husband loose when I discovered that she had cleaned out my fridge of all the near-to-expiry-date items ("expiry date" is a loose guideline for me, not a rule) and reorganized my cupboards. She must've done it in the middle of the night because I never saw it -- or maybe when I was on my second pack of smokes, outside on the deck. >cough, hack, cough<

Anyway, go for #3 and give some excuse if you really need to:

-mould was just discovered in the guest rooms (or throughout the house, to be safe)
-husband's demented aunt, who has murderous tendencies towards children, is staying that weekend because her room at the state hospital is being fumigated
-you have a wedding to attend, on the other side of the continent
-the house is being renovated and the unfortunately the guest room(s) will have no walls that weekend.

But much as you may cringe at it now, the best answer is "sorry, but no".

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Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm still wrapping my head around not killing her. I can see where either email or calling is going to have to be done. Just dodging, however appealing it is right now, is most likely going to be more agita. Fortunately, I do have a few possible excuses marshalled.

Sorry, I'll be in school the week before Labor Day, then I have to study. And then we're going to Cape Cod. I got the dates a little mixed up and we're definitely going on Labor Day weekend.

I spoke with my mother about it just now and she's got a similar problem going on so perhaps there's something genetic about it. Yeah, yeah, I know, I have to be assertive, I get that, it's just, she completely and utterly floored me. There was no preparation, zero warning and it was all sprung on me, much like a bear trap. And that's how I feel about it all. So I'm trying to think of a good way to get out without having to chew anything off.

At least I don't -- really -- care too much aout continuing the friendship. So I can toss off the excuses (it's kind of a combo of 2 excuses) and do so without any regrets. It's a pity, in a way, as I would have liked to have seen them for dinner, but I think a full break's going to have to be made.

Argh, I hate breaking up with people. You'd think after 14 years of marriage, that I wouldn't have to worry about doing things like that anymore.

It's not you, it's me.

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jespah wrote:

Fortunately, I do have a few possible excuses marshalled.

No excuses. Just "no".

People can always try to work around your excuses - if not this, then - if not then, that - if not that, there - if not there, ...

"No" is harder for them to get around - cuz they eventually have to get to "so you don't want me to stay with you?", and risk you saying "precisely".

~~~~~~

I had a mini-incident this morning. Every year for about 35 years, I've gone to the fall fair with a friend, M.A. I'll be doing it again this year. Another friend called and said that she knew I'd be going with M.A., and she wasn't planning to come with us, but that we could go in together, and meet for lunch, and maybe later. Announced it.

Mmmmmmmmmm, no. No was/is the response to that.

We can go together another time, but she doesn't get any of my time with M.A.

No.

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Bolt out of the Blue

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