I hate myself and want to die

drewdad said it all more succinctly....

Also, different drugs act on different neurotransmitters. Go to a psychiatrist, or even nurse practitoner that is specifically trained in these kinds of medicine. A G.P. just doesn't have the right training, or know the right questions to ask, to prescribe the right medication.

Grandmas been there and done that, which is why she is probably so easy to talk to.



Sometimes antidepressants can make you suicidal. Which is why they tell you to watch out for that. I am glad you caught that and stopped the medication. Sometimes drugs are necessary to get your body back to normal. When it's been abnormal (don't take that in the wrong way, just chemically imbalanced) it makes it the norm, which causes a downward spiral. Your body is constantly trying to balance itself so if abnmormal is the "norm", it tries to adjust to it. Understand? Either way, take the drugs for a while. If no results, then you can consider whether drugs are for you but I think you'll begin to feel better really quickly.

I can't add any more than has already been said dani...thinking of you.

Danielle--

You're thinking; you're planning; you're confiding in a flesh and blood person. You've faced your co-workers. You're contemplating the meds situation.

I see lots of progress.

Hold your dominion.

Some days are harder than others.

I missed a lot of work this week. On Friday, though, I got into see somebody at the Campus Mental Health Services. He was very helpful and practical, and he gave me the number of somebody who can help me with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. So I feel a little more confident and less like there is no way out. But like I said, it comes and goes. The trick is "mindfulness".

Anyway, I know I haven't posted on others' threads in a while. Sorry to be a little selfish. I may come back to this site in a happier frame of mind sometime soon.

Glad to hear you're coping, a day at a time, dj. Hang in there.

I have always thought that the best way to handle a therapist session is to start out with your biggest, nastiest secret..

then everything else just flows out easier.

Once you get over the big " issues" other things seem like child play.
And if your big secret just floors the therapist, it is time to leave.
And you are leaving some what anonymously.

If you dont feel this comfortable with the therapist as a person, then I would suggest finding another person. A good therapist will make you feel comfortable no matter what.

It can also just NOT be how good the therapist is, but basic human chemistry. Not meaning sexual attraction.. but just how you FEEL around that person.
There are people we just dont like, no matter how nice, polite and positive they are... we just dont mesh with them and that is perfectly ok.
Acknowledging that is a big step for most people as well, because alot of people struggle with being able to speak up for themselves and making themselves comfortable. It becomes a boundry lesson and a personal acknowledgement of your self and your desires.

Dont worry about how the therapist feels.. worry about how YOU feel and go from there.

Think of it this way..

Would you pay someone over and over again to fix your toilet.. and they never do it? Thats kinda stupid huh?
So why pay a therapist your hard earned money to help you , when you dont think they can do for you what you need?

Every therapist offers something diffrent according to the personality they have. This does not make them a bad therapist.
Some are absolutly great with big secrets, others are great with simple social problems, some are fabulous with work issues, some with family issues.. .. and on and on.

Maybe you just dont have one that works for you..

Glad you were able to find someone who could help you, daniellejean. Don't feel bad about needing to look after your own needs. Everyone needs to focus on themselves sometimes.

Daniellejean--

Overcoming the inertia of depression and taking some positiva action is an enormous step. Congratulations!

Hold your dominion.

Daniellejean,

I recently discovered this forum and am finding it quite helpful. I just caught up on your situation....How was today?
I've been in a very similar situation when my 15 year marriage ended suddenly and by surprise. I went through the same feeling. I just wanted to reach a point when my life didn't suck anymore. When people told me time heals the pain I didn't believe them. It does...Hang in there...People care about you!
I'm glad to hear you are getting some help. I went through two therapists before I found the one I see now. She is perfect for me. Hope you have someone that feels like a good fit.

Take care and know people care!

Thanks martybarker. Today was good. I worked a lot. Yesterday sucked. I was missing my ex a lot. It seems like a stupid thing to be depressed about. But sometimes simple grief can be overwhelming. The worst part is that I've made a commitment to myself not to contact him anymore. But every day is so hard.

Oh, and I never followed through with that therapist. I've just been so unmotivated. I sleep when I don't work. I'm forcing myself not to. And I'm going to force myself to call her next week when I am back from my vacation in my hometown. A really inspirational story is something that was read in church last week from the book of Kings. It is about how Elijah (one of the great prophets) was depressed after he began feeling like he was no better than his ancestors. He was tired from working hard for the lord (there was some sort of victory involved, but I didn't read the whole thing). All he wanted to do was sleep. He said, "Lord, I am no better than my ancestors. Take my life now." Or something like that. Then he slept. But the angel came to him and brought him food. She told him to get up and eat. He ate. But he went back to sleep. He came again and told him to get up and eat. Finally he got up and ate and he was strengthened. It made me realize how I am not alone to see that one of God's great prophets went through a time where he wanted to die and if he couldn't die, all he wanted to do was sleep. But the angel was there for him and forced him out of his depression. What's more - he couldn't do it alone. It was inspirational.

Here is something I wrote about my grief. I trust that nobody will steal it. If you do, I guess it is my own fault for posting original poetry on a non-protected website. But oh well. Here goes:

Grief

Deep leaden insides
Heavy with grief,
Burdened with breathing.
Letting go in a full torrent of sorrow
All that I have held onto for years.

Mother, how I loved you.
And I love you no more.
You f*cked me over with your crack addict, accusational, guilt-inducing selfishness.
And I love you no more.

Unborn child, who I maybe killed with a pill -
If you were even there at the start.
My sorrow is deepest for you right now.
I convinced myself you didn't exist
That it was all precaution.
But I swallowed your murder anyway.
I swallowed it twice.
It's not abortion - it's a pill…right?
Then why do I grieve so?
Why do I grieve a mother's loss?
Why do I grieve for my soul - abandoned to hellfire in selfishness and fear?

Lost lover - correction - lost lovers.
I miss you so.
I miss your warmth.
I miss your sex (the deep relief of self-doubt in moments of passion and unchecked urge).
I grieve your loss.
Moreover, I grieve the loss of the self I gave to all of you -
The self that can never be reclaimed.
I grieve that I offered you my purity on hands stretched open wide.
I grieve that I gave up on myself to hold onto you.
The collective you.
Because I feared solitude.

Lost love - not lost lover.
I miss you more.
I miss your calm words.
I miss the texture of your skin and your lips.
I grieve that we will no longer sit in silence over breakfast,
Laughing intermittently about my inability to make eye contact.
I grieve that I left you with so many unanswered questions.
I grieve that I stood in front of you, with all my fear exposed.
I grieve that I lost a part of my faith when I found you.
I love you so - but you stand between me and my Lord.
I can't go back to faith, and I grieve that most.
Knowing you and the reality of carnal love
Makes the spiritual love in its inability to satiate me become nothing more than an unanswered question.
I grieve that I chose unsatisfying spiritual love over satisfying carnal.
But choose this I did.
And I hope.
I hope that someday God will satiate me.
And maybe someday grief will part.

For now,
I live with heavy, leaden insides.
Burdened by the weight of breathing.
Poisoned by the act of living.
Loaded with grief,
I contemplate the value of my own life.
But I just keep living.

FYI regarding the suicide attempt while on Zoloft...

People are at the greatest risk for suicide when they are coming out of depression. They still feel bad, but their self-efficacy is coming back....

danielle,

thanks for sharing that very personal poem. you really don't need to worry about it being stolen...it really only means something to you anyway. it's not going to make you fame or money it's just helpful to get those feelings out, i know.

i haven't been following this thread, but i think your poem says enough. i can see that you are overwhelmed with guilt for what you have done; for things you probably did out of weakness. and i can see that you have lost three of the most important people in your life.

well, it's fortunate that there is no such thing as hell -- fortunate that us humans are not being judged, and are not expected to live up to some ideal standard of perfection, because none of us are perfect and it is only through mistakes and regret that we can all continue to approach our own form of perfection, although nobody ever gets there.

well, im sure you'll be wallowing in sorrow for a while, but just keep on trying to be strong and eventually I think you'll forgive yourself and move on and be a better person than you were before for it.

I sympathize and have many times for danielle.

Danielle doesn't want to take antidepressants, because one was connected with a deeply scary episode.... thus won't.

We all keep suggesting therapy. And...

Danielle, I think you need to speak with a psychiatrist who can guide your care.


I know you are frightened of antidepressents. Find a md who gets all this stuff, and not just anyone. Do some research.

Don't pressure her into taking antidepressents. That stuff is creepy. I don't trust drugs that attempt to mess with your mood. That's like personality altering. If you can't live with yourself sober, don't live at all. Anyway I'm not suggesting that suicide is a good option. I think therapy is a good option. It's healthy and natural to have someone there to listen and talk to, especially someone who's necessarily on your side.

DanielleJean:
Keep hanging in there. Believe me I slept a lot! But I hope it is encouraging to know that this too shall pass. And best of all you will be a better, stronger person. Grieving is a process and it is painful. Have faith!!!

Oh, and daniellejean -- I love your sullen little quote!

I'm no expert. I've watched danielle flail for quite a while and I and others have oft suggested therapy.
Perhaps I'm wrong that danielle is bipolar, I am just reading along here.
Surely I don't have a swift helping answer. I don't think sweet handwringing is going to help.

I also know that danielle had a bad experience with one kind of drug, so I understand her fear.

Murmuring good wishes won't help if danielle needs more expertize..