I hate myself and want to die

Why do you hate yourself really.

By the way, lots of people masturbate and lots of people smoke ciggaretts. I bet lots do both together.

Perhaps masturbating a cigarette would offer a refreshing change of pace.

I hate Gus and ant him to die... but only because he beat me to the flippant response... there can be only one....

daniellejean -
Everything is so temporary. Though it might not seem like it, everything changes - bad times pass.

I know this is true. And sometimes all we have to do is just trust that things change.

Keep reaching to others.

Can I ask you - do you have other things you like to do (not that smoking and masturbating is so bad or anything, but just that you maybe could get a lift from other stuff)?

immediately after posting this I saw where Gus joined me in the frivolity on the tar baby thread... I now regret my hasty comment and would retract it... I love you Gus... you can't touch my ass though....

Ok, we'll put that ass off limits.

well... come around on New Years Eve and bring tequila... you might get your shot.... I don't want to totally dash your hopes... I can't bear (no pun intended) the thought of hurting you that way.... no promises though....

Hey daniellejean-
In case you're thinking that everyone pretty much blows off someones's thoughts of suicide, everyone doesn't.

I know its tough sometimes. Hang in there.

just trying to lighten things up.... that's my way... don't do anything silly.....



and snood... psst... I'm shallow... remember?

I keep forgetting - so many things to remember.....

Check PMs, daniellejean.

Lash where did dani say she had PMS

Ohhhhh.......... youve got pms

Dani people all around the world care about you thats why we are saying silly things.

More have been in the same hole as you than you will ever comprehend. some have made it out but it is hard hard work, dont stop trying.

danillejean,

Do you have an emergency number to get in touch with your therapist? If so, please call him (her?). We can sit with you and talk to you, but we aren't able to help you work through your issues with the help you need. Also, your therapist can only help you if he knows how you feel so keeping the extent of your feelings, thoughts, and actions from him isn't helping either.

You are not a slut. You're depressed and can get help, but only if you ask for it. Call your therapist or a mental health clinic today. Then, sit with us and listen to the goofiness if you choose, but get some real help, ok?

Are you implying that our help isn't real, J_B.

I try and I try, and you keep knocking me down.

Things I used to like to do:
read
play my trumpet
write
watch television
go for walks
talk on the phone with my girlfriends
listen to music

things I like to do now:
go for long drives to the beach
read
listen to music

I agree with J_B's advice, daniellejean (and the scamps here do too). You are dealing with depression and need to connect to your therapist or a mental health clinic.

On the slut business, the word has a stupid power of indictment for human sexuality - human sexuality is normal, including "depraved" dreams.

A small thought:

Read comedies.

Listen to upbeat, happy, crazy music.

Don't help the depression.

Go see a funny movie!

Sounds empty, but immersing yourself in sad stuff makes it so much harder.

dani- just ignore the bear.

If it makes you feel any better... I have to live with him.

The fact that you have posted your feelings here tells me you don't really want to die. You want someone to know you are hurting. Let it all out. We'll listen.

PS - NO other person is responsible for your happiness. No other person is worth your life.

I cant reply to PM's, sorry Lash. So I'll just put my reply here. I cant be embarrassed anyway.

As far as emotionally blackmailing my ex, I suppose I was doing that, but it is never what I meant to do. I sent him one final email which says that I wasn't trying to hurt him or blackmail him; I was just so scared. I told him I'd stop contacting him because that was the only form of apology that I could come up with. I said I'd the hardest possible to leave him alone. And I left it at that.

As far as therapy goes, I'm still doing it. I just sometimes feel like I should be better. After all, Im working two jobs and all so Im supposed to get better. But it isn't that simple I suppose. I might make an appointment with my psychiatrist and see what he thinks (should I be on meds? etc). I just worry about what people think too much. My therapist knows that. Sometimes I apologise to her for what I say in therapy. She just laughs. She knows I've tried to kill myself. But I dont tell her all my thoughts now because I just want to be better. Its like I go through the motions of getting help when I'm really not getting help at all. I just have to be more honest - but that's so hard because then I cry in therapy and I hate crying in front of her. It makes me look so young. I wish I could handle my depression with dignity. I wish I didnt have to say that word, "depression" about myself. I always thought it was a cop-out for people who blame their problems on chemical imbalances. But it is very real. And my tough exterior is gone.