I hate myself and want to die

Daniellejean--

Quote:

I cry in therapy and I hate crying in front of her. It makes me look so young. I wish I could handle my depression with dignity. I wish I didnt have to say that word, "depression" about myself. I always thought it was a cop-out for people who blame their problems on chemical imbalances. But it is very real. And my tough exterior is gone.

Your tough exterior was a facade--a facade you're outgrowing. Crabs do that on a regular basis, you know. They shed their old shells and before they grow new ones they are terribly vulnerable.

Why are you ashamed of being young? Believe me, "real" grownups have all sorts of problems that have to be coped with. By seeing a therapist you are making an enormous effort to change and grow. Eventually, enormous efforts pay off.

I think the last of your "tough exterior" will vanish when you feel able to tell your therapist all about your pain. She won't think less of you for suffering. It isn't her business to judge. Her business is to help.

Hold your dominion--it is worth holding.

0 Replies

Chemical imbalances are real. And when a depression of the biochemical sort is going on, ordinary philosophic questions can become torments. I don't know if you have clinical depression, but I think you should talk with the psychiatrist, and if he or she thinks you should start on some meds, not be somehow ashamed. Many people deal with these imbalances, including many of the sharp people on this board. They often have combined therapeutic counselling with meds of some sort.

0 Replies

daniellejean
daniellejean, many of us are leary about getting involved with response posting with a person who claims to be suicidal. We've been fooled before by someone conning us just for fun.

Sad, but true.

BBB

0 Replies

Daniellejean has 280 posts here, BBB. People can read back on them if they want, as can she.

0 Replies

daniellejean wrote:

I cant reply to PM's, sorry Lash. So I'll just put my reply here. I cant be embarrassed anyway.

As far as emotionally blackmailing my ex, I suppose I was doing that, but it is never what I meant to do. I sent him one final email which says that I wasn't trying to hurt him or blackmail him; I was just so scared. I told him I'd stop contacting him because that was the only form of apology that I could come up with. I said I'd the hardest possible to leave him alone. And I left it at that.

I could tell that's what was actually happening, bu as I said in the PM, I didn't think you were intending it. I think when you're in the position you are in right now--focusing on strengthening yourself comes before consideration of anyone else in your life. The reason I say that is when people are crushed, they sometimes think--if I can just get things the way they were with my boyfriend--everythng will get better. It may even seem that way for a while if you DO get back--but in actuality, it's only prolonging the eventual collapse.

If you start with yourself and then work outward to other people, you are stronger.

As far as therapy goes, I'm still doing it. I just sometimes feel like I should be better. After all, Im working two jobs and all so Im supposed to get better. But it isn't that simple I suppose. I might make an appointment with my psychiatrist and see what he thinks (should I be on meds? etc). I just worry about what people think too much. My therapist knows that. Sometimes I apologise to her for what I say in therapy. She just laughs. She knows I've tried to kill myself.

But I dont tell her all my thoughts now because I just want to be better.

This is a mistake. She can't help you if she doesn't know what your reality is. I hope you'll please tell her the truth about how you feel.

Its like I go through the motions of getting help when I'm really not getting help at all. I just have to be more honest - but that's so hard because then I cry in therapy and I hate crying in front of her.
Yes.

It makes me look so young. I wish I could handle my depression with dignity. I wish I didnt have to say that word, "depression" about myself. I always thought it was a cop-out for people who blame their problems on chemical imbalances. But it is very real. And my tough exterior is gone.

Probably a beginning to real healing--to lose that tough exterior.

(((((((((((((((((((daniellejean))))))))))))))))))))))

You have a support group. I hope you'll just speak your feelings and thoughts to your therapist.

0 Replies

Daniellejean,
We're here for you the best we can. Have you spoken to your therapist or a suicide crisis line since you posted this?
How are you doing?

You know I just noticed your signature. Reverse that baby, for now at least.
Better to open your mouth and scream your truth, than to keep it inside where it can poison.
Other people don't have to live your life. If some think you a fool - well, that is their choice.

Hang in there, Danielle.

0 Replies

Wait! You are working two jobs under all this stress? That should make recovery more difficult, not easier.

Are they stressful jobs? How do your supervisors treat you?

Has your therapist suggested temporary Disability re depression? You could be relieved of work (possibly) for a year or so while you work on getting strong.

0 Replies

Maybe, but then again, idle minds.... May be good to keep working if work is not stressful.

I like what Noddy said. (as usual)

Ones best growth and understanding can come from the deepest pain. No need to fight it.

0 Replies

daniellejean -- people here care about you. You're a worthwhile person.

And you're also a depressed person, with real live physical symptoms. Your therapist wants to help you. Really, she does! It's her job. But she cannot be fully effective unless she knows all of it. You don't need to apologize to her -- she does this for a living. And she's heard a lot, I'm sure. This is not her first rodeo. So let it out, to her. Get it out of your head. That is what is going to help you heal. You will feel better. Really.

We're here for you but she's REALLY there for you. But you have to share with her the whole ball of wax.

0 Replies

Thank you everybody for posting and being so considerate. BBB, I'm not trying to dupe anybody here. Its the only place I can go where I am anonymous. Even with my therapist, I don't feel that way - hence my dishonesty. Sorry I dropped off this thread for so many hours. I have dialup for the summer. And I had to work. By the way, my jobs are working on an organic farm doing odd jobs, and waiting tables at The Red Robin, which is a national burger chain.

After work, though, I went to a party for one of my coworkers (it was her birthday). I got so drunk I was throwing up. I never drink that much (Parrot bay, shot of tequila, shot of rum, 4 glasses of wine). It was so embarrassing. All I remember was being sprawled on the kitchen floor, being held up by some very kind coworkers, screaming about how I hate my mother who is a crack addict and that I wanted to die. Then I threw up a lot. It wasn't exactly what I should be doing to get better. I wanted to make inroads with my coworkers (they are all in their 20s, and I want friends). But instead I ended up making a fool of myself. Everybody said that nobody cares. They were all drunk too. But to me, it matters.

0 Replies

Has your therapist talked with you about your mother and issues of abandonment...?

Have you two pinpointed the source of your pain?

0 Replies

daniellejean wrote:

Thank you everybody for posting and being so considerate. BBB, I'm not trying to dupe anybody here. Its the only place I can go where I am anonymous. Even with my therapist, I don't feel that way - hence my dishonesty.

Get a new therapist.

There is no reason to feel uncomfortable unloading to your therapist. Find someone new.

0 Replies

Danillejean--

Quote:

After work, though, I went to a party for one of my coworkers (it was her birthday). I got so drunk I was throwing up. I never drink that much (Parrot bay, shot of tequila, shot of rum, 4 glasses of wine). It was so embarrassing. All I remember was being sprawled on the kitchen floor, being held up by some very kind coworkers, screaming about how I hate my mother who is a crack addict and that I wanted to die. Then I threw up a lot. It wasn't exactly what I should be doing to get better. I wanted to make inroads with my coworkers (they are all in their 20s, and I want friends). But instead I ended up making a fool of myself. Everybody said that nobody cares. They were all drunk too. But to me, it matters.

Obviously you were not a figure of great dignity and restraint and the party. Also obviously, you aren't the first damn fool in the world and you won't be the last.

If your coworkers are compassionate people, they'll remain friendly. Were these the Organic Farm co-workers or the Burger Flipper coworkers?
(You do have a wide variety of potential friends in your working life these days.)

One way or another your hard, outer shell is cracking. I'm guessing that one reason you sucumbed to Demon Rum was so that you could vent some of your long-accumulating anger.

Telling your therapist about your feelings might be more comfortable for you than literally spewing them out on someone else's kitchen floor.

I know how you feel. I have an evening of excess that I'd rather not remember--but the memory hasn't destroyed me--or my friendships.

Theraputic exercise: Chant three times. "I am not Superwoman--yet."

Repeat when necessary.

Hold your dominion.

0 Replies

ossobuco wrote:

On the slut business, the word has a stupid power of indictment for human sexuality - human sexuality is normal, including "depraved" dreams.

I wanted to re-post Osso's words.

They are fabulous. And you need to hear that.

We are humans.
Humans have sex.

It is normal.
In fact, I would be worried about you NOT wanting sex.

Masturbation feels good, and is only 'wrong' according to religion and not according to our bodies.

Live by your body and stop shaming your self for being a natural human being.

Sex is ok.

To dream about sex is perfect, normal, and SUPPOSED to happen.

Im sorry you feel so bad about your sexuality.

I also have not read any more posts beyond Osso's.

I just wanted to stop and repost what she said and hope you hear it loud and clear.

( big hugs )

0 Replies

Thank God they've changed what they're telling kids about masturbation nowadays. When my 12-year-old went through sex ed last spring, they gave him the plain truth. "It's perfectly normal, but it's private." How simple is that? How many neuroses could have been prevented if we'd ALL been told that to begin with?

Daniellejean...

Lay it all on the line with the therapist. She can't help you fix something if she doesn't know it's broken.

Whatever you say won't shock her. She's been trained to deal with it all.

Your tough exterior is gone? GOOD! Now...finally...you can begin to get better.

Take it from someone who knows.

0 Replies

I'm not smart about therapists but I know they vary as the rest of us do. Find one you can engage with.

Nods to Shewolf.. howls..

0 Replies

I remember that DanielleJean is Catholic, or Catholic in transition. I constrain myself to not try to mold her as me, a quite past-transition person no longer Catholic.

I don't think catholicism is dj's key problem, I think clinical depression is, guessing of course, but .... that some aspects of her background, or your background, danielle, not to talk about you as if you're not in the room, have really got you going.
There is a lot of drama going on about all this for you about your boyfriend.
I have no advice, as it's clear I'm biased.

I'd hope you Not sign up with a super catholic therapist, just for self preservation's sake.
But mostly I'd like to see you talking with the psychiatrist, not the therapist, first, as I pick up you might have a clinical thing that could be dealt with as a start before you solve all the quite natural philosophic problems of an early adult.

But, please contact one or the other of them and talk about these things truthfully.

I also see you are quite bright, in between all these difficulties.
Hang in there, dj.

0 Replies

Thanks again everybody. I had a good day, aside from niccotine withdrawl and a huge hangover. I told my grandmother about what happened after work. It seems odd, but sometimes I confide in her, even when it is sometimes gruesome. She helped me to realize that I can stand my ground and set my own limits. I think last night I didnt want to set limits because I was so upset.

The good news is I wasnt the only one at the party who embarrassed themselves. And at work tonight (The Red Robin, to answer your question Noddy), my coworkers said nothing except to ask how I am feeling. I was glad to see that everybody maintained a level of professionalism.

I just got home, and I am tired and cranky and I want a cigarette. But I cant afford that nasty habit so I am not going to get myself more addicted than I am - get this niccotine out of my system for a few days and then things will be good. But besides that - I know that things are going to be okay. I don't really want to die - at least not right now. I would have done it already if I did. I just wanted somebody to see how much pain I am in.

My next appointment with said therapist is on the 15th. And I may make an appointment with the old psychiatrist too. I'm scared of that though because Im not sure I want to go back on drugs. I tried to kill myself when on Zoloft. But maybe that just wasnt the one for me. There might be something better like Welbutrin. I dont know. I like to think I can do it without the drugs. But its hard to motivate myself to try harder. Ive never been the type to beg for a quick fix, but I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that I may or may not need to be on drugs and I have to take the advice of professionals. AND I Have to make sure they can give me sound advice by giving them the whole story.

Shame is my whole problem though, so its tough to get over. I just have to keep trying.

0 Replies

Tell your story and don't let anyone give you shame. Most important is you.
You may feel shame upon you, one way or another. There are reasons for concern about how we have all acted, and reasons we all should shape up. But don't let that get in the way of talking to counsellors now.

On psychiatrists, there are more than one. Be sure to tell - but I know you will - any of them your history with zoloft (or its history with you).

0 Replies

daniellejean wrote:

Its the only place I can go where I am anonymous. Even with my therapist, I don't feel that way - hence my dishonesty.

Having gone through my own bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts:

1. There are people who love you, and would love you even if they knew every last thing about you. They want and need you to be around.

2. Dishonesty with you therapist is a really bad idea. Good therapists don't judge their clients, or impose their own values on them. If your therapist is doing so, then dump him/her and find a good one. If he/she is not, then scrap the dishonesty. Things will go better. Really.

3. Antidepressants work in concert with therapy, and can make a big difference.

0 Replies

I hate myself and want to die

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know