verbally abusive husband..

Sn--

The only way you can stop your husband's abuse is to be a woman he dare not abuse.

If he ever assults you physically, call the police immediately. Unfortunately most police hate Domestic Incidents because even if they arrest the man and charge him, they can't count on the wife/girlfriend testifying against him.

Quote:

Moving back with parents is what I should do probably. I will have to give a lot of explanation to my elder sisters and others.. Hope leaving doesn't feel like 'out of the oil pan into the fire' ..forgot the proverb. It sounds something like that. Hope you understood..

I very much doubt that your parents and elder sister will see you as a woman who failed in her marriage. They will see you as a woman who was abused by a man who was supposed to love and protect her.

Why would you have to give anyone explanations for your behavior? Sure, some people will want to know all the gory details, but you are under no obligation to entertain them with your troubles.

You haven't failed in marriage because you can't put up with an abusive husband. Your husband has broken the marriage contract by his abusive behavior and you are free to leave.

Good luck.

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Noddy .. I guess sn is fearful of the social stigma that is associated with divorce. Divorce is on the rise in India but still not as prevalent as in the west. Some people still rest the responsibility of a working marriage on the woman. So if anything goes wrong.. guess who is to blame.

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Noddy24 wrote:

I very much doubt that your parents and elder sister will see you as a woman who failed in her marriage. They will see you as a woman who was abused by a man who was supposed to love and protect her.

Of course, you're right, Noddy. That's how it should be, but most of time, it isn't. Most people here in India would say "well, in marrriage you have to make some compromises" and shrug their shoulders if you told them you're husband was abusive.
The husband and wife are advised to "work out their differences" and live together...I suppose that's waht sn is referring to.

It's easy to not bother about these comments if you;re independent - both financially and otherwise.

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sn wrote:

I am in US now.
are there any counsellors in bangalore who could provide advice. I will be in bangalore at the end of this year. I can afford to even pay over there and take classes without his knowledge.

I did go to a counsellor in Bangalore, who wasn't of much help. Brooke's links and other's a2k members' advice were of much more help to me than the counsellor. So was the Internet.

And sn, a good counsellor can help you and make you realize that his abusive behavior is never your doing or your fault. It's HIS problem. Though all abusive people blame the victim for their behavior. Unless your husband realizes he has problem and is willing to take help from a counsellor, you have no other choice but to leave him. (EVen if he does take help from a profesional, it's doubtful that such people can be reformed).

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sn wrote:

If I warn him that I will call the authorities, do you think he will stop name calling?

No, it won't. Typically, it will worsen. No threats. All you need to do is act.

When you visit bangalore next, maybe you should try and work on getting a plan together - to enable you to leave him. Find people who can help you. And most importantly, a job.

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He doesnt deserve a warning, he has had plenty of time to change his ways.

Just take action.

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Thank you so much all of you.
I feel so much better talking to you all here..

sakhi and others- you have spoken my thoughts. I am a little worried about the social stigma. People and even family still blame a woman for not compromising and adjusting to whatever she was subjected to.

When some woman is killed, they read the news and say "how come she didn't do anything before it was too late" By chance a woman finally takes a stand, they will make her feel so lonely that she wll have to run back to her abusive husband again.

Finding a job must be easy I guess but managing the stress with TWO children - the responsibility and criticism can be too hard..

Another thing I need to mention to you. I know all abusers are same but guess what ! a few months ago, there was this lady in his office whom he was terrified about. He was extremely polite with her and worked such that she never got upset.
I was sort of shocked! it was like he can behave like a lion as long as there is a mouse around. I wish I had that kind of effect on him..
They say - Love begets love is there any truth in it?

I know not everybody is crazy like him. May be i am unlucky. He has no job stress or anything. still he can ruin a perfectly happy day within seconds.
enough said right ?
time to take action..

i need to ask you another thing.. can a man be insecure about looks ? he is not as good looking as i am.. just a doubt

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Yes of course!!He will bring you down so you think you are not attractive too, so you wont leave him.

Somebody on this forum said something like 'The only way you can feel inferior to someone is if you give them permission'.So true.

Stick to your guns sweatheart.Leave the b*stard.Forget social stigmas, surely being lonely is better than being abused and you wont feel lonely because you will have your kids.

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sn--

Obviously you and sakhi know much more about social attitudes in India than I do.

Still, even if you never planned to be a pioneer and trailblazer when you grew up, you cannot allow your personality to be eroded to quivering meekness because of a bully's ego.

Your husband could control his behavior--he doesn't cuss you out in situations where his actiions would reflect poorly on him. Your husband doesn't want to control his behavior--he wants to control you.

You can't change him--but you can remove yourself and your children from the ugliness.

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Noddy24 wrote:

sn--
Still, even if you never planned to be a pioneer and trailblazer when you grew up, you cannot allow your personality to be eroded to quivering meekness because of a bully's ego.

Your husband could control his behavior--he doesn't cuss you out in situations where his actiions would reflect poorly on him. Your husband doesn't want to control his behavior--he wants to control you.

You can't change him--but you can remove yourself and your children from the ugliness.

Wise words from Noddy, as always

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sn wrote:

sakhi and others- you have spoken my thoughts. I am a little worried about the social stigma. People and even family still blame a woman for not compromising and adjusting to whatever she was subjected to.

I agreed with you that there is a social stigma. But you do not have to be scared of it, sn. Don't let it affect you. It's not as tough as it seems. But yes, getting the job that you want and arranging for other things such as a decent home (either in India or in the US) may not be easy, especially since you have been at home for some time.

sn wrote:

I know not everybody is crazy like him. May be i am unlucky. He has no job stress or anything. still he can ruin a perfectly happy day within seconds.
enough said right ?
time to take action..

Yes, time to take action, sn.

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Dear sn,

Please read this post by Brooke:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=45270

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wow, that was very powerful....something for everyone to read.

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wow !
that article was good.

want to share something :

I spoke to a close relative of mine who is much older than me. I didn't give all the details but mentioned the controlling and abuse.
guess what ?
she said there are millions of women who manage such husbands. she went ahead and gave me examples of such women she knew. says they look perfect outside but live in a loveless or may be abusive marriage.
says if the wife leaves, the husband will move on but it's the wife who is struck with children and the emotional pain.
Itseems there is this woman who did nothing wrong but is not invited to celebrations because she has left her husband. She is sort of avoided by almost all the women she bumps into all because she is single mother and women sort of find her a threat.

That was her perspective. she said when women behave this way, there's no meaning in pointing at men..that's a cruel world..

just wanted to share this conversation with you, friends.

There is no excuse for abuse but women like this relative of mine bring down the self confidence (which is already low anyway:-)) I don't blame her for what she said but oh man!

got to be strong to take that first step.

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sn--

It is easy for a woman who has never been in an abusive relationship to talk about staying with a bullying husband.

If you leave him, he'll move on and you'll be stuck with emotional pain for the rest of your life? If you stay with him you'll have emotional pain and indignities for the rest of your life.

Life without him may not be a bowl full of cherries, but would you settle for a bowl full of apples?

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Thanks Noddy,
I got your point.

bowl full of cherries..bowl full of apples Laughing

that comparison was funny..

Oh yes, not everybody understands what's abuse.

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sn--

My first husband was abusive, verbally and physically. I did my damnest to save the marriage, but saving a marriage isn't a one person job.

We were separated for two weeks before he worked up the courage to call his mother (the old she-devil). She called me in tears. I couldn't divorce her son! People would think she was a bad mother!

Marriages may be made in heaven, but sometimes the angels are on tea breaks.

Do what is best for you and for your children.

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sn wrote:

that may backfire i guess...
does anybody know any free counselors who can counsel me about surviving this type of abuse ?

I do. She is an angel named Brooklyn and you can reach her right here.

sn wrote:

still he can ruin a perfectly happy day within seconds.

Enter the stranger. This is where reason stops and he becomes someone you never would have married. This is how every one of these nightmares begins. Get out before your children see you getting beat, because in all likelihood, that's what's coming next. Sad

Don't make threats of any kind or it will happen sooner rather than later.

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Too add to the words of caution about leaving carefully, I'm once again reminded of my friend Sonata. I told her story in the last two paragraphs of this post.

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1107859#1107859

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Please don ever feel bad about leaving a rubbish relationship.
If other women blank you because its a social stigma to leave your husband then i pity them.
Break the mold.

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verbally abusive husband..

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