verbally abusive husband..

He is a bully.
He has stripped you of all your identity and turned you into a verbal punchbag.
He has got you exactly where he wants you.

I can only assume he is very insecure or he has alot of worries and is taking it out on you.
Does he have a stressful job?Do you have money worries?Maybe talk to him and try to find out the underlying problem.
Id like to suggest fighting fire with fire but as someone said I think this will lead to physical violence.

If you can, leave him.Especially for your childrens sake.
It will either be the best thing you do or it will shake him up so much he will realise what he is missing.

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Oh brooke....you're first 5 words chilled me...."He has been grooming you"

Truer words never said...that's exactly what it is.

The pushing and prodding of your personality into directions they aren't accustomed to.

Still waiting to hear back from sn.....but I will say this...

when I DID find a way to leave, it utterly deflated his power. He had been so sure of his hold that it never occured to him I could just cut right through the knot.

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Chai Tea wrote:

when I DID find a way to leave, it utterly deflated his power. He had been so sure of his hold that it never occured to him I could just cut right through the knot.

Well done, like a bunny in the headlights.

I know a guy that has been verbally abusive, very manipulating.
In hindsight it makes me sick to see how he controlled things.

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material girl wrote:

like a bunny in the headlights.

I have no idea what that means.....but I love that you said it!

Words to live by..."I'm a bunny in the headlights"

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Lash wrote

Quote:

Thank you.

I used to be the hold out for "trying to make it work."

Life's too short.

Are you Kicky?

No I am not Kicky or anyone else! I am just Dorothy Parker.

x

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Chai Tea wrote:

material girl wrote:

like a bunny in the headlights.

I have no idea what that means.....but I love that you said it!

Words to live by..."I'm a bunny in the headlights"

Its just a phrase for a something completely defenseless finding itself in the pathway of something more powerful than itself like a huge 10 tonne truck.
ie a crappy bullying husband(the bunny) realising his wife/kids, the one good thing in his life, are about to walk out the door(then 10 tonne truck).

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yes, he's groomed me enough. I am so dependant on him-
to drive me around, for money. I can't have an opinion on anything.

No, he has no worries about job but I guess he gets it from his father. That man was controlling too. After years of abuse, his wife takes medications for depression. She can get cranky like a five year old. Sort of worse than my husband.

getting back to my problem, Sakhi, I am indian too.
you all have given me excellent inputs.
please tell me how exactly you handle the situation when out of the blue husband yells something like -why the hell this pen doens't have cap?
this will go on and on -parents didn't teach me anything or turning to kids and saying what is she teaching you, you are going to end up like her and calling me names.
Hope you got the picture. How am I supposed to react ?

Should I yell back (I usually don't) ? should I get out of the house?

I have told him not to talk to me in that tone. Doesn't work!

Thank you everybody..
My house is absolutely neat and clean. It's just that Pricking and proding me is his hobby.
that's just an example. He can get irritated with anything and everything if he wants to.
It hurts like hell.

To leave him, I will have to do a lot of home work.
Moving back with parents is what I should do probably. I will have to give a lot of explanation to my elder sisters and others.. Hope leavind doesn't feel like 'out of the oil pan into the fire' ..forgot the proverb. It sounds something like that. Hope you understood..

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Pricking and prodding you is his hobby.Do you mean physically or just verbally?

When you said he shouted because a pen didnt have a lid did he aim the comment at you or just in general.
If its a general raised voice comment try and realise its not aimed at you and let it wash over you.Easier said than done but yuo wont have to worry about a pointless comment about a pen.

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material girl, thanks for your response.
I meant verbally. He hasn't hit me though he pushes or shoves sometimes.

I wish it was a comment. He adds horrible words (like b** or w*) and says I deserve a thrash for eating his money and not being good enough for him.

what's the need to say the above? That's what hurts.
He says lots of horrible thing.

It hurts even more because it happens in front of our children. I don't want my kids to pick up all that.
He has got this loud voice that can penetrate walls.. So, naturally I shut up and not aggravate the problem.

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He isnt a husband.He is nothing, you are everything.
I understand there may be some cultural differences between us but we no longer live in a time were that kind of treatment is acceptable.
In order for this world to move on we need to act strongly.

I cant believe he does that to you!!Its mental torture and you shouldnt put up with it.This is effecting your kids.

Are you ever apart from him?If he leaves for work in the morning can you pack a bag, get the kids and go to your parents?

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Start your plans to leave now. If you are in the states there are women's shelters you can go to. Do not theaten to leave, just make your plans and do it. Do not tell your children in advance, but you must bring them with you.

Is your house spotless because that's the way *you* prefer it, or because you know what the consequences will be if it isn't? Unfortunately he has control over how you live your life. It's time to take it back, but you need to be careful how you go about it.

If there are no shelters available where you are, then find another safe place to go for the first day or two. Do you have any close friends? Is there somewhere you can go that he wouldn't think of right away?

Best wishes to you, sn. You might have to do some scouting and planning before you can actually leave, but the time to begin has arrived.

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Your last post changes everything...he pushes and shoves you, that my dear is physical.

you say you don't want you kids to "pick up" this?

They already have.

Go to a shelter with the kids, like J_B says.

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I know I am being abused and controlled. I wish I had known much earlier. Leaving is easier said than down.
Many times before I have felt like just packing the bags and leaving.
It's not so easy.
I will start thinking anout it now..

Luckily, both my children are such darlings. They love me and respect me so much.. They deserve a happy childhood.
I need to manage my husband till I take that first step out of the house.
sometimes he is perfectly alright, sometimes he is not. Life is crazy.

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sn wrote:

I know I am being abused and controlled. I wish I had known much earlier. Leaving is easier said than down.
Many times before I have felt like just packing the bags and leaving.
It's not so easy.
I will start thinking anout it now..

Luckily, both my children are such darlings. They love me and respect me so much.. They deserve a happy childhood.
I need to manage my husband till I take that first step out of the house.
sometimes he is perfectly alright, sometimes he is not. Life is crazy.

sn, you are right it is much easier said than done. I was terrified when I asked my husband to leave. I didn't know what he was going to do. How he was going to react. Was he going to tear into me verbally? Or possibly hit me? I spent the first couple of weeks jumping up and looking out the window every time a car drove down my street because I was scared to death he was going to come back uninvited and hurt me. I can tell you this though, once you've done it you will probably be surprised at the weight that is lifted off your shoulders. It's not easy but it's worth the effort. You and your children deserve to be free from the fear and control that this man has placed on you.

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sn wrote:

yes, he's groomed me enough. I am so dependant on him-
to drive me around, for money. I can't have an opinion on anything.

No, he has no worries about job but I guess he gets it from his father. That man was controlling too. After years of abuse, his wife takes medications for depression. She can get cranky like a five year old. Sort of worse than my husband.

getting back to my problem, Sakhi, I am indian too.
you all have given me excellent inputs.
please tell me how exactly you handle the situation when out of the blue husband yells something like -why the hell this pen doens't have cap?
this will go on and on -parents didn't teach me anything or turning to kids and saying what is she teaching you, you are going to end up like her and calling me names.
Hope you got the picture. How am I supposed to react ? Should I yell back (I usually don't) ? should I get out of the house?

Unbearable. But NO, there's no point shouting back. For as long as you do have to stay with him, clench your teeth, and do not abuse him in response. Just ignore him.
Then, do your homework, and leave.
For more advice on how and when to leave, take Brooke's advice. Leave when he is not at home and do not give him any clue on where you are going. And then, you can file for a divorce.

sn wrote:

Moving back with parents is what I should do probably. I will have to give a lot of explanation to my elder sisters and others.. Hope leaving doesn't feel like 'out of the oil pan into the fire' ..forgot the proverb. It sounds something like that. Hope you understood..

Understood. Maybe if you can a decent job and you arent a burden on your parents (which i know is a big deal here, you won't have to explain too much. And maybe you don't have move back in with them. I know it will be tough...but if you have your own accomodation - just you and kids, nothing like it. I know that's a lot of work, sn.

I have no clue which city you're from. I'm in B'lore and if there's anything i can do to help. let me know.

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Thanks sakhi,

I understand I shouldn't give him any clue about leaving.

Ofcourse he knows my parents' place and can go there to check on me or accuse them..

I have another question for everybody.. it might sounds silly. If I warn him that I will call the authorities, do you think he will stop name calling?

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No.

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that may backfire i guess...
does anybody know any free counselors who can counsel me about surviving this type of abuse ?

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sn wrote:

Thanks sakhi,

I understand I shouldn't give him any clue about leaving.

Ofcourse he knows my parents' place and can go there to check on me or accuse them..

I have another question for everybody.. it might sounds silly. If I warn him that I will call the authorities, do you think he will stop name calling?

It's not silly at all. I think it's somewhat natural to want to do what you think you can to make him stop. Unfortunately when you are talking about someone who is trying to control YOU the worst thing you can do is try to control them back. It only challenges their authority (as they see it) and gives them an excuse to further abuse you. There are all kinds of resources out there. I would encourage you to first get out, then look in the phone book and see what you can find. I know way back when, in my early 20's, the YMCA used to offer 10 free sessions of counseling for those who couldn't afford it. I'm sure there's something like that in your area as well.

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I am in US now.
are there any counsellors in bangalore who could provide advice. I will be in bangalore at the end of this year. I can afford to even pay over there and take classes without his knowledge.

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verbally abusive husband..

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