verbally abusive husband..

You can't, leaving him is the only option

x

Who's "buddi"?

x

'buddi' means 'old lady' in Hindi

It's so hard to tolerate him.. I am so sure he doesn't yell at anybody at his workplace. Why me?
I am so sick of it and I have to always be on my guard. Life is becoming a pain..

I wish I could stop him from saying all those horrible things..

Why can't you leave him sn? What would be the very worst thing that would happen if you did?

x

You and your husband are inadvertently training your children to accept lives of misery.

You can leave him, and you should.

You get one life. Your children get one childhood. Don't spend it in that awful situation.

If you want to leave him, there are services to help you get out on your own.

He's abusing your mother, as well.

Excellent advice Lash

x

Thank you.

I used to be the hold out for "trying to make it work."

Life's too short.

Are you Kicky?

To back up a step here, I have a couple question for you sn, and a sharing story.

You say in your initial post you cannot leave him. Can you tell us the reason for that?

I have to be honest with you both Lash and DP, sometimes being able to leave is easier said than done.

Lash...you know me, I'm a strong woman. However in my first brief marriage my ex-h was the master of verbal and pychological abuse. I knew I had to leave the marriage, and I knew it would happen one day. However, at one point, for instance, we were living over 3000 miles from the nearest person I knew, he'd spent every dime I came into the marriage with, my car was on its last legs, there was no decent work available that I could even support myself with and I was just plain exhausted with life.

Believe me, I sat there with a calculator and paper many a time, trying to figure out how I could escape this situation, and at that particular time, sad to say, I literally had no where to go. I just had to wait it out until I had an opportunity, and when it came, I took it. But it certainly wasn't overnight. Jeez, I didn't even have kids. I don't know what would have happened then.

sn...may I assume you're an Indian, as you mentioned your mother was Hindu?

Can you move in with your mother?
Do you have a job? Can you get one?
What job skills do you have.

Do you have friends you can stay with?
What other living options do you have?

It's really hard to talk to someone when they're yelling screaming and cursing at you. However, to be honest, when my ex-husband would be calm the next day, it was all apologies and a million times I tried to talk it out with him. The problem with that is....it really doesn't work...he didn't want it to work, because it would be too much effort on his part.

Would I be wrong in thinking there might be some cultural barriers, things that work differently for you than an american woman?

Please write back...I know what it's like.

Personally, I think you need to leave too...but you'd have to figure out how.

You don't have to tell me how hard it is to leave. Been there also.

I thought she should decide whether or not she would leave before I went on about how.

I'll be glad to help with that, as well, sn--if you decide to.

Hopefully sakhi will stop by if there are any cultural issues sn wants to discuss. I sent her a pm.

Re: verbally abusive husband..


As the other people have told you, you can't change him. He has to WANT to change, and chances are he doesn't even have a clue there's something about HIM that needs to change. My husband didn't. Everything was my fault and deserved a good berating on a very regular basis. Especially when he'd had a bit too much too drink. Which was more often than I care to remember, honestly speaking.

The problem in a situation like this is that it doesn't take much to move to the next step of physical abuse. I'm not expert on this by any means, but I know what I experienced in my own situation and I can honestly say it wouldn't have been too much longer before I became more than just his verbal punching bag. I think I see pattern here with this type of personality, or whatever you want to call it.

It begins small with an angry outburst here and there and gradually grows to being more and more often, more and more direct and hurtful. The ultimate goal is control. To make that person feel so helpless that they aren't worth anything better than you. ("you" being the abuser that is) Of course this could be a completely one sided opinion here as I am still in the healing process.

All I know is what I went through. But I can tell you this... When my husband picked me, he picked the wrong person to try to control. I stood up to him quite often which only made things worse for me. His tantrums became worse and worse the more I stood up to him and in his ignorance he even began to whine because "he wasn't in control". Because he couldn't control me he felt he had no control at all.

Personally, I'm not one to just tuck my tail and run usually. But you do need to know where to draw the line. I know women who have lived in verbally abusive relationships for years because they "love him". That's their choice. I loved him, but I sure didn't love the things he said or did, and I was not willing to live like that. I don't think anyone should have to live like that.

My suggestion to you would be to see if he would consider counseling, but go into that realizing he's not the only one who needs counseling. You both do, so don't approach it with him like HE is the only problem here. That would only open things up for him to explode on you about how "bad you are"... This kind of situation is tough on everyone involved, and there are trust issues you will need to work out if you choose to try to make this relationship work.

You do have options though besides just staying. I'm sure it's a much more difficult decision you are facing having children involved. But you do need to think of their best interest as well. How they see you and him treat each other is what they will grow up thinking is right and ok. You don't deserve to be anyone's verbal punching bag and neither do they.

oh....misunderstood you Lash old girl...I know you've been through the mill too. I just need to hear more what this is all about.

sorry.

Good idea J_B....always thinking, aren't you..

Good words hephzihah

Thank you all for your support..
yes, there are reasons not to leave.. Financial dependence, my children, my husband's threats.. and I have nowhere to go..

My husband didn't want me to work, so i stopped. That seems like long ago. I want to work but I'll have to start from scratch.
Going back to native place is too hard. Nosy relatives and abusive inlaws.
What a fool I was to stay and have children with this monster. I guess verbal abuse is all about tone. He knows how to use it and he won't care even if people are listening..
Talking to all of you is making me feel so better.

sn, you are lucky in that you already realize what you are dealing with. I didn't at the time. All I knew was that he was treating me wrong and I didn't like it. I honestly had no clue it was verbal abuse until after I kicked him out. It was the people here at A2K who helped me, supported me, made me realize I wasn't alone in this world and I didn't have to keep putting up with it because there are other options out there. Other avenues to take. I have a lot of respect for most of the women here because really... they tolerated a lot of whining from me through-out the process I went through to remove myself from that situation, but because of that tolerance I was eventually able to come around to realize it was time to go.

I wish I could say I couldn't be happier, but that would be a lie. The effects of this kind of situation on a persons self-esteem are devastating. I'm still dealing with lot of lash back from that relationship. A lot of doubts, insecurities, questions. However, I am free from the controlling ways of him. I am free to heal, to make decisions, to do what I need to do. I wasn't within that relationship, and neither are you. We will be here to help you and support you through this though, if you will let us. It may just be "a forum" to some, but having been through what I have to me it is much more than that. It is where I met some people who cared enough about me... someone they didn't even know... to take time out of their life to help me. That goes a lot further in someones life than I think people realize sometimes...

Have you talked to him about how he makes you feel?

hi,
How old are your children? Where do you live? And what kind of threats is your hubby making?

There are good people here. I'm glad you found us.

He has been grooming you, my friend. Making you dependent upon him by having you not work. Threatening you, to cause fear. And fear makes us do crazy things, way out of character. Such as not leaving an unsafe environment. :wink:

If I knew where you are from, I can find someone in your area to help you, even if you are in another country.

Your precious children need you to be strong enough to get not only yourself away from this situation, but also them. Before it's too late and they acquire their own scars that may never heal. Or worse.

Believe in yourself, and all the great things you are as a person. Know that deep inside of you, lives the strength you need to get out. Dig in there and grab ahold of it. Take the hands of your children and for the love of them and yourself, GO .....and don't look back.

Stay ...and it only gets worse.

Hi ((((sn))), I understand.

I do understand your compulsions in staying. However, the best thing that you can do is to leave - as everyone else has said. At least for the children. (If you do not mind telling us, how is his relationship with the children?Does he shout at them too?) The first step, I think, is for you to become independent again. Is it possible for you start taking steps towards getting a job? Wouldn't divorce get you child support (It appears to me that you are in US).

And sn, it might be good idea to talk to your parents. It may be relatively easier for you to get a decent job in India. As long as you are not a financial burden on anyone, you might receive some help from your family. I do not know how conservative your folks are..

If they are not supportive, talk to a supportive relative or friend. Maybe you can explore the option of moving back.

I'm not sure my story if my story helps - I'm Indian too (living in India), and my husband used to be (not any more, i hope) abusive. I left him - I had to. I have moved back in with him now for a second chance at my marriage - I have no children, though. It's a risk (maybe not worth taking, I do not know yet).

Feel free to ask anything. I'd be too glad to help.

You have gotten wonderful insights from a number of the women from A2K. But especially pay heed to Brooke. She has gone through some terrible times herself, and has come out of it stronger for the experience.