Rex

Rex, my point is: dont rationalize and give excuses to us. Try it on your partner. Hes reaching out and your being kind of a dick.

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farmerman wrote:

Rex, my point is: dont rationalize and give excuses to us. Try it on your partner. Hes reaching out and your being kind of a dick.

True

I am just spinning my own wheels I guess.

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Do you know who you are so angry at? Or why?

I'm no analyst, but it seems to me you are mad about something and turn it all back towards yourself. I wouldn't be surprised if I were to hear you suffer from bouts of depression or other self destructive habits/addictions.

Somehow, you need to get well and also believe you are worth getting well. That would mean: no beating on yourself, no working to repel the ones who might or do love you, no self-crucifixition when it suits you.
If a therapist or some other person could help, there is no shame in that. Wouldn't it be better than feeling this way and hurting the ones you love?

I really hope both you and your partner feel better soon and all those tests come out clean.

Really, sincere wishes that this all works out and you'll have a smile on your face soon. Smile

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Rex, do you have any thoughts on why you cheated?

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That's a good question. There are so many possible answers, but yours may open a door for you.

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J_B wrote:

Rex, do you have any thoughts on why you cheated?

I attribute my infidelity to the lack of gay marriage and the societal infrastructure that is not present for gay lovers.

Also to external pressures on our lifestyle.

Lack of solid boundaries.

Understanding this in not usually enough.

It take more effort to remain together without societal boundaries.

So it seems that commitments are easily broken without something solid to keep them together. It is not that we are not committed to each other but when we argue (which we have never really ever done) there is nothing binding. When he is off working and gone for weeks at a time I drift and get angry.

I blame the promiscuity in general in the gay communities to this also.

This may sound like rationalization but I still believe it to be true.

Besides I am approached constantly because I am attractive I guess. So it makes it even harder when I desire a committed relationship.

So it is never really having the commitment that is required to remain monogamous.

This may sound like a copout but it is a real factor. When I get angry I regress and do things out of spite rather than for the actual pleasure derived.

Sounds twisted, cause it is...

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Rex--

I am on your side. I want things to work out for you--but you have got to know that is the biggest pile of **** I've ever seen deposited herein. I'm still holding my jaw.

You can't really believe those are reasons why you did what you did.

You "create your own infrastructure." Your relationship is with the one guy--not the gay community or society.

You seem to be really reaching to blame other people/institutions/ societies for your behavior. Truthfully, and I'm not turning on you--but I've never seen such an example of detachment from one's own autonomy.

Don't you feel completely capable of making your own decisions about who you have sex with?

Talk about an answer opening a door...

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Plenty of married, heterosexual people cheat.

I don't think you cheated because you are gay. That's an excuse, not a reason. I'm not turning on you either, just trying to get you to look inward.

There's nothing external that made you cheat. It's a act that you committed, figure out why, realise your partner is willing to forgive you THIS TIME, and decide whether you really want to be in a committed relationship, or perhaps you are acting out in a manner that you hope might cause your partner to end the relationship for you.

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There is some truth in what I say...

Imagine a playground with a merry go round in the center.

If there is no fence around the "playground" then the children all huddle in the middle near the merry go round. But if you build a fence around the playground then the children will even venture out and stand right up to the fence and stick their fingers out through the links...

I feel I am huddled in the middle and I do not dare leave the merry go round...

This is human psychology and not rationalization.

I agree the boundaries are up to me but there are underlying issues that psychologically plagues even the most committed and loving gay people.

Imagine the marriage thing reversed for one brief minute...

Imagine everyone telling you your love is wrong/unnatural or you are possessed by demons then try to make a commitment in light of that. Imagine over two thirds of your country detesting your lifestyle. Imagine that you could get stoned in some countries for loving another of the same sex then bow down and make your commitments of love in the face of that.

Imagine having a partner who is ashamed of his lifestyle in public...

The list goes on and on...

I am a strong person but I am not impervious to my doubts and frustrations and my own rage at the world.

This is not an excuse but it is a pitfall that even the most dedicated of my kind have fallen into. I am not immune to it either.

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RexRed wrote:

Imagine having a partner who is ashamed of his lifestyle in public...

Does this apply to your situation?

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J_B wrote:

Plenty of married, heterosexual people cheat.

I don't think you cheated because you are gay. That's an excuse, not a reason. I'm not turning on you either, just trying to get you to look inward.

There's nothing external that made you cheat. It's a act that you committed, figure out why, realise your partner is willing to forgive you THIS TIME, and decide whether you really want to be in a committed relationship, or perhaps you are acting out in a manner that you hope might cause your partner to end the relationship for you.

You're not turning on me?

I am too easily turned on... (just kidding)

Smile

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J_B wrote:

RexRed wrote:

Imagine having a partner who is ashamed of his lifestyle in public...

Does this apply to your situation?

yep

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I don't want to monopolize the thread. I'll stay away for a while. Still wish you well.

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RexRed wrote:

J_B wrote:
RexRed wrote:

Imagine having a partner who is ashamed of his lifestyle in public...

Does this apply to your situation?

yep

Ok, so this is something specific about you and your partner. Perhaps it's something large enough that is making you question a long-term commitment with him.

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J_B wrote:

RexRed wrote:
J_B wrote:
RexRed wrote:

Imagine having a partner who is ashamed of his lifestyle in public...

Does this apply to your situation?

yep

Ok, so this is something specific about you and your partner. Perhaps it's something large enough that is making you question a long-term commitment with him.

I have done more than question it and he has remained faithful even though he questions it more than me which doesn't make much sense really.

He just desires me I know that for sure but I think evil, I imagine things, I am paranoid and then I act impetuously. To quote John Lennon, "I'm just a jealous guy".

Jealous Guy

I was dreaming of the past.
And my heart was beating fast,
I began to lose control,
I began to lose control,

I didn't mean to hurt you,
I'm sorry that I mad you cry,
I didn't want to hurt you,
I'm just a jealous guy,

I was feeling insecure,
You night not love me any more,

I was shivering inside,
I was shivering inside,

I was trying to catch your eyes,
Thought that you were trying to hide,
I was swallowing my pain,
I was swallowing my pain.

Artist: John Lennon Lyrics

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Ok, but that's you. Not you 'Gay Guy', just you.

Where do you see the relationship heading?

Rex, I think you need to separate out the gay stigma from the relationship difficulties. There are many life-long, committed gay relationships. Your jealosy would be a problem whatever the gender mix.

<I'm off to a holiday picnic, I'll check back in later.>

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My AIDS blood test today came out negative.

I can breathe a sigh of relief that not only do I not have AIDS but that I have not passed it onto my lover.

The person I just recently slept with tested negative also... but this is not the first time I have been unfaithful. So it seems to have confirmed that all of my indiscretions haven't cost me what I believe to hold most dear...

I know I do not deserve the least respect for all of this but at best I am not in denial of it all.. That is part of the road to recovery...

The other part is just simply being faithful...

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Glad to hear you both tested negative, but unless it was an RNA assay you should get rechecked in a few months to be sure. Antibody tests require formation of the HIV antibody before becoming positive, which can take anywhere from 10 days to 6 months after exposure to show up on an antibody screening assay. RNA assays test for the actual virus, but are not usually the test used in routine screening. If your Dr used the term NAT or RNA then it's the early detection assay. If he said 'antibody' or 'seroconversion' then you should be rechecked a few months from now.

RexRed wrote:

The other part is just simply being faithful...

Apparently this isn't quite so simple. What do you want from the relationship, Rex?

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I'm glad to hear your test came out clean! Listen to JB - she knows what she is talking about. Make sure to do your follow-up tests.

What did you think of my previous post for you?

Things are looking up for you right now. Rather than going complacent, why not take the opportunity to get to the root of what drove you to this behavior?

good wishes

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flushd wrote:

I'm glad to hear your test came out clean! Listen to JB - she knows what she is talking about. Make sure to do your follow-up tests.

What did you think of my previous post for you?

Things are looking up for you right now. Rather than going complacent, why not take the opportunity to get to the root of what drove you to this behavior?

good wishes

RexRed

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