Married and having feelings for other people...

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Hi folks, totally new here and was searching for info or advice and this place came up. Looking through the threads there seems to be good advice here.

I suppose I don't really need advice. It's more that I just need to know what is normal. I'm a guy, early thirties and recently married.

I respect my wife. She's great. I love her. We have been together for several years and it has been great - we're like best friends. We have never fought, and I mean absolutely never. I would never do a thing to hurt her and respect my marriage vows.

And yet, I'm finding I have feelings for other people. Irrational feelings that sort of came out of nowhere. Now I should make it clear that I have absolutely no intention of acting on those feelings at all and simply won't go there. But I guess I just thought, being married, that would never happen. I have no married friends close enough to be able to talk about it so I'm using the anonimity of the web to seek insight. Because even though I will not act on these feelings and am making efforts to change my situation so I simply don't encounter that person, it has caused me to question my whole marriage. Is the fact that get on so smoothly because we are more friends than lovers? Have I just gone for the easy stress free relationship because it is easy? Even worse - did I marry her because I knew that's what she wanted and I just wanted to give her that, regardless of what I wanted? I don't know, but this is kind of messing me up a little bit.

I feel like a silly teenager, except I have a wife I am commited to.

I suppose the simple question is this - is it normal to find yourself having feelings for someone else in a marriage and it's just something you experience, have a laugh at and get on with the job or do I have a problem on my hands?

TIA

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Quote:

But I guess I just thought, being married, that would never happen

Being married doesn't stop you from being human.

Humans are sexually attractive to other humans. And since you are not blind, you will see women who make you look twice, three times.. four times..w hat ever.

Having child like crushes on people is natural as well.

You are a sexual being, with or with out a ring .

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Yes it is normal to feel things for other people. It is a normal human reaction. However, when compared to the feelings I have for my wife, there isn't even room for comparison. The way she makes me feel is, by far, the greatest feeling I have ever had. Any other feelings for other people are merely superficial and quickly dismissed as such.

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ps... welcome to A2K.

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Okay, I know what you said might sound obvious to you (and I suppose it is), but it makes a huge difference to hear it. Not having close married friends, I really don't know what is normal and what isn't.

Thanks for letting me know I'm human. It means a lot to have that reassurance.

On the feelings and how the feelings you have for your wife don't compare, I guess things have been a bit cooler with my wife lately and that's part of the worry. Right now this second, the feelings I'm having do compare. But, you know, what Shewolfnm says about the 'child like crush' is actually what I think it probably is. There's no bond there, no emotional connection between the two of us. She has just somehow managed to get inside my head and stick. I imagine, and hope, it will pass.

Thanks. I appreciate the advice.

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This happens to me a lot, WhoAmI. I think they are mostly just seasonal crushes, but at the same time, the fact that it happens so much with me does make me re-examine my relationship. I have to ask myself, what is it that I feel like I can't get from my husband that I become attracted to others in order to obtain. I don't have that answer.

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WhoAmI? wrote:

Right now this second, the feelings I'm having do compare. But, you know, what Shewolfnm says about the 'child like crush' is actually what I think it probably is. There's no bond there, no emotional connection between the two of us. She has just somehow managed to get inside my head and stick. I imagine, and hope, it will pass.

Thanks. I appreciate the advice.

The crush thing is kind of what I was getting at. Things may be slow right now with your wife, but if you really do love her, it shouldn't be hard to remember why you two fell in love in the first place. Remember how you felt when things weren't so slow and try to run with those feelings. A cooled down period in marriages are also common, I might add, and also certain to pass.

Hope it helps... and stay around for awile. Ths place is great.

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Thanks, yeah it helps a huge amount. This sort of thing has a habit of eating away at you when you're on your own with it. Like FreeDuck, I was beginning to wonder if my whole marriage was the problem and this was just a symptom. The more I thought about it, the worse it got and I think 50% of the time that the particular person has been in my head is through worry of what she represents.

I'll ride this one out and let it pass, just as it would have done when I was 16. Being a married man in my thirties, I don't have the outlet of sitting in a dark room listening to depressing music! But I do have my wife and our dog so maybe I should be making more of an active effort to enjoy that.

And thanks for the warm welcome - I will indeed stick around.

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Hi and welcome.

Anyway, re the crushes, they're totally normal. Feelings and thoughts are one thing, it's actions that are an issue. But if you're just thinking, eh, it doesn't matter if it doesn't translate into actions. I admitted on a totally unrelated topic that I think my dentist is cute. My husband, who also frequents this site, posted right after me and admitted he thinks the hygeinist is cute. I guess we both dig people with clean teeth.

'Course, if I ever find stray floss on him, or toothpaste on his collar, I'll get concerned. Laughing

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I had a crush on a guy just a few weeks ago.
I even caught myself wearing diffrent earrings because I thought that would make him notice me.

I am married with a little girl, and love my husband completely.

But, I tell you what, having those silly fuzzy feelings when I think of someone I find attractive.. I like that.

It makes me feel good, makes me dress diffrent, hold my self diffrent, and it also reminds me of my husband.

We have slow points in our relationship too.
Im GLAD we do.
I would hate to always feel the exact same thing every single day for the rest of my life.

Talk about boring..

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Yeah you're right - good to hear about the earrings story too! That tells me it's more than simply seeing someone as just 'cute'. I mean we pass people all the time who are physically attractive and I notice it but, once they are gone they are gone and that's the end of it.

Whereas with this, well, I don't wear earrings but it felt along the same lines. I found myself worrying about what she thought of my appearance and then felt guilty for thinking about that! It's totally that crush thing. And then, because I didn't know it could happen, I felt guilty about it afterwards.

I can't tell you how much it means to know that it happens to other people and, more importantly, happens without ruining marriages!

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Free Duck remarked:

Quote:

I have to ask myself, what is it that I feel like I can't get from my husband that I become attracted to others in order to obtain. I don't have that answer.

Pioneers built this country. Part of our national character is a distrust and fear of stultifying routine. We may grow older, but completely embracing the status quo would be abandoning the possibility of adventure. Everyone needs the prospect of adventure. You can skip the cold and the wet and privation and starvation, but you need the prospect of adventure.

At one time, only men (in their secret souls) felt themselves to be predatory animals who could pick and choose objects of love and lust. Now women also have "permission" for amorous speculation. Amorous speculation is part of liberation, after all.

Still, there is an enormous difference between armchair romantics and unfaithful spouses.

Mr. Noddy has a number of wonderful qualities, but after 30-odd years he's just a wee bit predictable and his glamour has a few frayed edges. He's also a congenital flirt--which doesn't bother me. I've been known to do a bit of flirting myself, but I go home with the guy what brung me.

FreeDuck, I think your momentary attractions (which you firmly choose to keep momentary) are just muscle flexing. You aren't necessarily critical of your husband--you're just briefly indulging yourself.

WhoAmI?, I can't speak from the male point of view, but every Good Woman identifies with Mehitabel, Don Marquis's alley cat, in some corner of her triumphant soul. I'm not an adventurous vamp--but I just might become one at any minute.

Quote:

Mehitabel's Song:

i have had my ups and downs
but wotthehell wotthehell
yesterday sceptres and crowns
fried oysters and velvet gowns
and today i herd with bums
but wotthehell wotthehell

i wake the world from sleep
as i caper and sing and leap
when i sing my wild free tune
wotthehell wotthehell
under the blear eyed moon
i am pelted with cast off shoon
but wotthehell wotthehell

do you think that i would change
my present freedom to range
for a castle or moated grange
wotthehell wotthehell

cage me and i d go frantic
my life is so romantic
capricious and corybantic
and i m toujours gai toujours gai

i know that i am bound
for a journey down the sound
in the midst of a refuse mound
but wotthehell wotthehell

oh i should worry and fret
death and i will coquette
there s a dance in the old dame yet
toujours gai toujours gai

i once was an innocent kit
wotthehell wotthehell

with a ribbon my neck to fit
and bells tied onto it
o wotthehell wotthehell
but a maltese cat came by
with a come hither look in his eye
and a song that soared to the sky
and wotthehell wotthehell

and i followed adown the street
the pad of his rhythmical feet
o permit me again to repeat
wotthehell wotthehell

my youth i shall never forget
but there s nothing i really regret
wotthehell wotthehell

there s a dance in the old dame yet
toujours gai toujours gai

the things that i had not ought to
i do because i ve gotto
wotthehell wotthehell
and i end with my favorite motto
toujours gai toujours gai

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Noddy, that was an excellent post. You have such a way with words that I might just borrow some for my signature.

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WhoAmI? wrote:

I'll ride this one out and let it pass, just as it would have done when I was 16. Being a married man in my thirties, I don't have the outlet of sitting in a dark room listening to depressing music! But I do have my wife and our dog so maybe I should be making more of an active effort to enjoy that.

And thanks for the warm welcome - I will indeed stick around.

Welcome to A2K, WhoAmI. I wonder if perhaps you're feeling in a bit of a rut and need to reawaken some feelings in your marriage. I'm speaking of a plural 'you' here. Maybe you're feeling a bit taken for granted and maybe your wife is feeling it too. It's very easy to settle into a routine and think everything is fine. Then, all of a sudden, what was 'fine' seems boring. Every relationship gets stale if you don't pay attention to it and to each other. Go out on a date, do the things you did before you got married. Do something special for each other.

I've noticed that when I start feeling a crush towards someone else it tends to be when I'm feeling invisible or taken for granted. Keep in mind that there's a fine line between total trust on one side and feeling taken for granted on the other.

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FreeDuck--

Thanks for the kind words.

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Yes,WhoAmI, put your fears to rest. Everyone has given you good advice and it's good to see that it has helped. I too have had moments like this where everything is going fine and around the corner comes a person who makes your head float a little off your shoulders.

"I've noticed that when I start feeling a crush towards someone else it tends to be when I'm feeling invisible or taken for granted. Keep in mind that there's a fine line between total trust on one side and feeling taken for granted on the other."

J_B has a good point here and I completely agree. I have had some SheWolf earring moments too!

It is fun and a bit of a diversion but it will pass. Just make sure that when feelings like this appear think about what is going on in your marriage and take some of that spicy feeling and mix things up a little at the home front.

P.S. Welcome!

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i was going to start a thread about this too! I'm right in the middle of one of these crushes...I'm not married, but very commited, and we've been together long enough for "happy" to sometimes feel like "deadly dull." :wink:

Then along comes an adorable new guy at work, who reads the same authors I do, treats me like I'm really interesting, and voila! New crush!

It reminded me of Freeduck's thread about dreaming about other men...you feel a twinge of guilt, but dammit, it's so much fun! Laughing

I agree with the others, there's no harm in it, as long as you remember a crush is nothing like as real as the history and the bond you share with your partner. I think of it as just a little hint to me that we need to remember not to take each other for granted.

Just use the crush as a reminder to keep things fresh with the one you really love.

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WhoAmI? it is completely normal to have crush. It feels so good Smile

But nothing compares to going back home and talk to my husband about the day.

I completely agree with Aldistar also. Spice it up at the home front if you feel your marriage is getting a little pale.

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I totally know where your coming from 100% .

I opened a thread about 3 months ago regarding actually falling in love with another woman ( in fact the girl i fell in love with is married as well and are good friends of ours ) and what advice can i offer you ... well if you say its a crush , its normal , if its a bit more than your letting on , then it can only get harder and feelings will get stronger and only cure to get your mind off it is to cut down communication .

I havnt acted on my feelings towards the girl im interested in nor spoken to her about it but let me tell ya , I thought it would wear off but its no different , ive just learnt to slow communication down with them as from seeing them 2 or 3 times a week , ive quietly killed it down to 1 every 2 weeks ( cut off will be impossible without the wife asking more questions ) .

Is there more involved who am i ?

Good luck mate .

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This used to be called the "seven-year itch." Monagamy is contrary to men's natural predilictions, men meaning males. The same goes for women but to a lesser extent although women look for the security that monogamy brings. Of course, now that women are no longer baby machines, roles have changed. As far as I am concerned, men are more or less irrelevant. And monogamy more irrelevant than ever.

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