Married and having feelings for other people...

Goodluck WhoamI?...I hope it works out for the best for the you and yours! You seem to have a great head on your shoulders...

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I think you did the right thing in opening the doors of communication. I've got 17 years under my belt in a very positive relationship. The only way to know you are on a peak is to realise there are valleys. There's nothing wrong with letting your wife know how you felt.

Have fun on the date tonight!

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WhoAmI? wrote:

The thing that really came out of it is that we see each other at our worst. After work, tired, we are like two sleepy slobs when we spend time together. We are both very busy independently so we're often out during the week and just crash when we're home. Housework and sitting about pretty much define our time. We are effectively room mates more than anything else. Hardly makes for the optimum scenario for desire (which is what I think I'm missing).

So we are going to make a conscious effort to change that. We're going out tonight on a date, we're going to go away somewhere next weekend and make an effort to do different things together each week that take us out of that domestic environment. For the most part I'm a lot happier about this and I hope it will lead to getting me back on track.

Thanks again for all the support.

That makes a lot of sense as does what sozobe said about the changes in the relationship. Good luck WhoAmI! And I agree with J_B that the communication seemed necessary.

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Yeah, I'm glad we talked rather than just holding it in. I can see Whodathunk's point and I think, had this not got to me in the way it did and had pregnancy not come into it, maybe I could have just dealt with it myself and not have to put my wife through any worry.

But, as it was, she could see my reaction was not what we expected - she was worried anyway. Without getting it all out there she would have built it up more and more (just as I did). Whereas now, she knows what's going on. My wife is a real doer and we now have a plan.

Of course I still have worries and 'what if' questions floating around in my head but it wasn't something that was going to go away instantly. We're working towards our future now and that's got to be a good thing.

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I agree that it was better to get it out. I also think that, rather than introducing an insecurity, you've given her more reason to be secure. She knows now that you will bring your concerns to her. She knows you love her enough to be up front with her about your feelings and that you trust her with your doubts. She's not going to be worried about you hiding your feelings from her. She knows you want to make it work if it can. I think that's healthier than keeping things to yourself until the only thing left to say is "I'm leaving".

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Yep.

I also think that the reaction you had kind of forced your hand (as you say); it's not your fault that you had a reaction, you weren't expecting that news and you were caught off guard, and what became important is how you handled your reaction. Sounds like you handled it well, and that you guys have crafted a proactive solution -- that's important.

Lots of studies have shown that the most reliable indicator of marital success is not whether people argue, but how they argue -- if, for example, they go around in circles and bring up old arguments or whether they try to come up with a solution to the current problem. You guys went the proactive route, that's excellent.

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FreeDuck wrote:

I think that's healthier than keeping things to yourself until the only thing left to say is "I'm leaving".

I hope that's not the impression I gave with my earlier comments, WhoAmI. Hardly. I think an honest give-and-take is a good thing, and arguments properly resolved are a part of that.

I still maintain that even though a wife says she wants to hear all of your doubts, feelings, and "what-if" ruminations, that's not necessarily the best route for a husband to take.

Be careful for your sake and hers.

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WhoodaThunk wrote:

FreeDuck wrote:
I think that's healthier than keeping things to yourself until the only thing left to say is "I'm leaving".

I hope that's not the impression I gave with my earlier comments, WhoAmI. Hardly. I think an honest give-and-take is a good thing, and arguments properly resolved are a part of that.

I still maintain that even though a wife says she wants to hear all of your doubts, feelings, and "what-if" ruminations, that's not necessarily the best route for a husband to take.

Be careful for your sake and hers.

I'd agree with whoodathunk in this case. But if it worked for you WhoAmI? by telling your wife exactly how you felt, then I am glad it worked out for you.

But if I were your wife, I would need more reassurance from this point onwards. I love to hear how and what my husband feels. I know some of his crushes and I think he knows many of mine but I would never like him to spell it out for me. We are secured in our relationships that both knows nothing is going to come out of our crushes. If we were to talk about them, the crushes have taken a definite importance in our life and that would make me insecure.

But again, not the same works for everyone. If talking your feelings out made it better for you and your wife then I am all for it.

And congratulations on your baby!! Smile

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By saying how I felt about where I was in the marriage, I was doing exactly that. The details, as in anything regarding the crush, were left out. My own feelings on the crush, how it relates to where I am and how it impacts (or doesn't) on the marriage were used to bring me to get a better understanding of what I was feeling with my wife but it would not have helped to go there.

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Casting chary eye at opinions here. Not that I am so smart myself.

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By all means feel free to chip in.

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WhoAmI? wrote:

By saying how I felt about where I was in the marriage, I was doing exactly that. The details, as in anything regarding the crush, were left out. My own feelings on the crush, how it relates to where I am and how it impacts (or doesn't) on the marriage were used to bring me to get a better understanding of what I was feeling with my wife but it would not have helped to go there.

Thanks for clarifying, that's the impression I'd had but had wanted to ask you to be sure. I think that's really important. "I have this crush on Sally" is way more damaging (and hard to address) than, "We're so tired when we get home from work that I feel like I've lost some of my connection to you" (or however you put it).

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Precisely, soz.

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WhoAmI? wrote:

The details, as in anything regarding the crush, were left out.

Cool. I wish you the very best.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

Yes it is normal to feel things for other people. It is a normal human reaction. However, when compared to the feelings I have for my wife, there isn't even room for comparison. The way she makes me feel is, by far, the greatest feeling I have ever had. Any other feelings for other people are merely superficial and quickly dismissed as such.

Your Avitar...for the most part...I can make out "E J P I M N I L W A U K E" depending on where it starts. Is that right?

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Well things are generally going much better already. I'm getting quite excited about the idea of having a child!

I am finding that my initial issue, the crush, is still apparent as much as I wish it wasn't. I think it's a problem that I can't really avoid the person altogether unless I get her fired, which would be more than a little unfair. I know some of you guys say that in itself isn't a major problem but I'm finding it's really getting in the way.

This might be a crazy question but are there ways to wean yourself off a crush?

As things are already getting better with my wife (who I do love dearly and I don't think I was giving her the credit she deserves recently), finding a way of simply seeing this person as, well, just another person would make life so much easier.

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Well, I've had quite a few crushes and I find that a few things help. First, acknowledging that it's just a fantasy helps. Second, allowing myself to see things about the person that are less appealing. I made a comment on my crush thread about how I catch myself actively avoiding seeing things I don't like in a person I have a crush on, because that would mean the end of the fluttery feeling. If I want it to end, I just need to open my eyes and take a good look. Third, distance. My crushes have all ended completely once the person is no longer in my circle. This usually happens naturally -- an old boss crush ended when I moved and changed jobs, a neighbor crush ended when they moved, a professor crush ended when I graduated, etc... And sometimes it's just seasonal. In your case, I can see how you might get caught up in baby preparations and forget about that fluttery feeling, as it will feel so unimportant.

Good luck, WhoAmI. I wish you (and your wife and baby-on-the-way) the best.

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I'd second FreeDuck's observations. Blueveinedthrobber (a poster here Laughing

) once had a sigline that went something like, "No matter how beautiful and hot she is, someone somewhere is tired of putting up with her ****." It can help to think in those terms.

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Yeah distance would definitely be the ideal solution. Not that easy though. I'll put the rest into practice and see how it goes. Thanks!

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I'm with Freeduck and Soz...

I have had a few crushes over the years....usually through various contacts with my work.

Yea..they were cute, seemed knowledgeable, smelled good, I found very attractive along the way...

But sometimes all it took was for them to open their mouths and start talking...lol When their ideologies about life come rushing forth...it usually killed the crush...and they walked away with me thinking.."Idiot".

Soooooo..Open your eyes and find the unappealing....

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Married and having feelings for other people...

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