Married and having feelings for other people...

Irrelevant...cheers...

Onthequiet, sounds like you're in it much deeper than I am. I have to say, even just getting the words of advice on this board actually took the edge off it considerably because I was able to allow myself to feel what I was feeling without making it bigger than it is. It also meant I could face my wife without pangs of guilt and we had a great weekend together! I have to say a huge thanks to everyone who chipped in - it all helped.

Well, maybe that bit about being irrelevant...will help somewhere...maybe...

And, yeah, I hear what you're saying about making things a little more interesting at home. It is probably true that we settled into a rut - I tend to do that at times. Both of our lives are so busy that, on our alone time, we often just crash. It's time to make more of an effort I think!

unsure
Hey there whoamI....I am married as well...late twenties..my situation is very similar...my husband and I are best friends and never fight. The question that I have for you is do respect your wife only because she is you wife? What I mean is..are you as attracted to her like your crushes?
The others are definitely right just because you get married you do not stop finding other people attractive...but do you picture these other women in your wifes shoes.....I know it is human nature to want to feel attractive to others and that knowing others find you attractive feels great for the ego.....but if there is any chance that you see these crushes in your wifes place I do not feel that is fair to her.

No Feelings


I've seen you in the mirror when the story began
I fell in love with you
I love your mortal sin
Your brains are locked away
But I love your company
I only ever leave you
When you got no money
I got no emotions for anybody else
You better understand
I'm in love with myself
Myself
My beautiful self

No feeling
No feeling
No feelings
For anybody else

Hello and goodbye
And a runaround Sue
You follow me around like a pretty pot of glue
I kick you in the head
You got nothing to say
Get out of the way cause I gotta getaway
You never realise I take the piss out of you
You come up and see me and I beat you black and blue
All day
I'll send you away

I got no feeling
No feeling
No feeling
For anybody else
Except for myself
My beautiful selfish

There ain't no moonlight after midnight
I see you silly people out looking for delight
Well, I'm so happy
I'm feeling so fine
I'm watching all the rubbish wasting my time
I look around your house
You got nothing to steal
I kick you in the brains when you get down to kneel
I pray
You pray to your god

No feeling
No feeling
I've got no feeling
For anybody else

No feeling
No feeling
No feeling
For anybody else
Except for myself
Your daddy's gone away
Be back another day
See his picture hanging on your wall

Oh Gawd! He's singing again!


Must have got his leg over last night.

Re: unsure


Mommafone, you ask an interesting question. I suppose the first question and second have slightly different answers.

I respect my wife because she is who she is - funny, supportive, talented and someone who I understand and understands me. And there is much more to it than that - there is the life we have created together, our family, friends, routines and so on. Our lives are intertwined. Am I attracted to her like my crushes? Right now, no. I'm not quite sure what to do with that but I am trying to keep it in perspective and say a crush is simply a crush. When I say 'attracted', that feeling in my gut - be it animal instinct or whatever - is not there right now and yet it is when a certain other person is close by. But that is the animal physical wanting, if that makes any sense.

I have to admit it feels more than a little pathetic. It is so that feeling of being a teenager. I found myself getting tense the other day and I felt like a complete ass when I realised that I was actually getting jealous that some other guy was talking to her. What the heck was that about? I mean, I'm married. She has some long term boyfriend to my knowledge anyway - even if I wasn't married those feelings would still be completely 100% irrational. There's no sense to it.

But, I do think what people have said here is right and it's just a thing that will pass. I don't think it means I don't respect my wife. Things are shifting around next week anyway so I won't be as close to this person, which I think will help a great deal. I mean, even as a teenager I found that absence does not make the heart grow fonder when it is a crush - absence just makes the heart forget. That's what I reckon anyway.

I think there is also a 'wanting what I can't have' part to this anyway. If suddenly my wife left me and this crush was all over me, I can't imagine I'd be any happier than I am now. Not that I'm happy, but that's another story! But I'm sure you know what I mean by that. I'm sure it's not just a male thing but I do think it is stronger in males that, when we find someone who ticks all of our boxes, we suddenly create a whole new set of boxes. I think it comes from the natural desire to 'spread ones seed'. If we want a woman with blonde hair and then a woman with blonde hair falls in love with us, we suddenly find ourselves attracted to brunettes. Probably a character flaw but I don't think it is one unique to me.

But this sort of brings me to the thing I started with which is that this whole episode initially made me question my whole marriage - am I actually only dedicated to this marriage because I have created my own rut and it's far too deep to ever get out of? Or am I just not appreciating all of the wonderful things I already have in my life and so I'm looking elsewhere?

If this is just a crush (and I think it is), I'm completely overreacting with that line of thinking and I think that's the perspective I needed.

It's all a little weird to me though...just in terms of the irrationality of it all.

WhoAmI, everything you've said I have experienced and completely understand. I do think it's somewhat biological. Both women and men have that underlying biological "need" I guess for mating diversity. For men it's spreading their seed. For women, it's upping the odds of her offspring's survival by choosing genetically diverse partners.

I imagine all the time what would happen if my husband and I split up. Would I pursue these crushes then? The answer is always no. The whole reason why the feeling is so enjoyable is because I know nothing will ever come of it. I mean, my god, I don't even think I remember how to behave with the opposite sex in the context of dating!

WhoamI, do you mind sharing your age? I think you said you were in your 30s, right?

The reason I ask is that I'm a firm believer in the theory of continuous life ages and stages of development. We talk about it all the time in children with stages such as 'Terrible two' and 'Trying three', but people continue to develope in a fairly predictable pattern throughout life.

Gail Sheehy has written a number of books in her "Passages" series. One of her books, "Understanding Men's Passages" might be of interest to you.

Hi J_B - I'm 31. I don't know that book at all, maybe I should check it out!

Slight update. Yesterday (friday) I was still feeling a little weird about all of this. I think I've been letting it get me down. So, rather than going straight home after work, I went out for a drink and actually had a great time. I was out pretty late.

On my way home I was thinking - okay, maybe there is more to this. Maybe my rut theory is, in fact, right. Maybe I didn't quite think out this whole marriage thing and just went with the flow. I was ready to sit down and completely re-evaluate my life (probably not the best thing to do with a few drinks in me).

So I walk in the door to be greeted with the news that my wife is pregnant.

I have no idea what to do with that. Of course I should be happy, and I do want kids, but from where my thought process was going at the time it felt like a twist in a movie. You know - man chooses one of two doors to go through. Just as he realises that maybe he chose the wrong door, it locks behind him. That's sort of how it felt. But, I think I'm probably over-reacting and I just need a bit of time to get my head straight on all of this.

I'm really finding myself wishing that this whole crush thing never happened. It's really opened up a can of worms in my head and it's making me a little nuts. Probably because I have a tendency to over-think things.

I can totally sympathize with you re: the tendency to overthink things.

So the plot thickens. The stakes are a bit higher now. You have got to talk to your wife. One of the things I noticed about my own marriage after several such crushes is that we are terrible at communicating with each other. I'm not suggesting you tell her that you have a crush on someone else unless you think she's likely to be understanding about it. But maybe you could tell her what you were thinking while you were having those drinks, and that, with a baby on the way, you'd really like to work out your feelings.

Yeah, maybe I should talk to her just on a sort of general questioning basis. Although I'm not really sure what that might do - as far as I can see, it is entirely me who has a problem here. None of this in any shape or form is her fault or as a result of who she is - my wife is absolutely the best person anyone could hope to have by their side. Aside hoping I'll sort myself out, I'm not sure what she could do. I also don't want to worry her. This should be a completely joyous occasion.

But maybe she should know that my head is not exactly where it should be right now. I'm sure she realised that my reaction was not exactly what she would have been expecting (or even what I would have been expecting given that it was something I have been looking forward to) so maybe I'm already worrying her. Yeah, I'll talk to her tonight and see where that leads me. Thanks for the advice, FreeDuck. It's really appreciated.

In being ready to sit down and completely re-evaluate your life, I get the sense that you were thinking about that life time commitment you made wasn't the best choice after all, right? Everyone goes through those times. No matter how strong the relationship, there are times when you look at your partner and try to imagine the next 50 years with that person and cringe. There are other times when you look at that person and can't imagine a day without them. It NORMAL to feel that way.

All relationships have peaks and valleys. You're now in a valley and your wife might or might not be in one with you. There was something about her that you fell in love with and decide to commit your future to. Whatever it was is still there. All relationships also have events that change the dynamics of the partnership and you've just run head-first into one of them at the same time you're trying to climb out of the valley. Don't feel bad for feeling like you've been hit by a boulder, but do understand that if ever there was a time that the person you fell in love with needs your support, it's now.

Also, I strongly advise sharing your feelings with your wife about being concerned how your relationship has changed since you've gotten married and how it will change once the baby comes. Use the next few months to focus on rebuilding your feelings and looking to each other as the source of joy you once shared, not the rut that we all easily fall into.

Congrats on becoming a father, it's a whole different dynamic but from the little bit you've posted here, I think you've got the potential to be a great dad!

Prediction: If you stay the course, one year from now, when you glance at the wife & baby, your current feelings will seem so ... last year.

Thanks J_B, the words of support mean a lot. Yep, I think you're both right - some of this needs to be talked out.

And you're right about the peaks and valleys. Maybe I've been lucky to have it so good up to now that this valley is seeming larger than it should. And you're so right - my wife needs my support. I guess that's why I have to try to sort this out. The last thing she needs now is any worry or doubt.

I'll let you know how it goes, and thanks for the congrats!

Me too, and when that day comes we've got a pretty great parenting forum here as well :wink:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=30

Were you guys trying to get pregnant, or was that out of the blue?

No, it wasn't out of the blue in that it we were entirely open to having a child but not necessarily going out of our way to make it happen, if you get my meaning.

Having a child is one of those things I said I'd want when the circumstances are right. I sort of realised some time ago that, chances are, those circumstances are never going to be 100% right. It's not like I was going to wake up one day and notice that all of the pieces of my life had fallen into place all of a sudden. So we thought - let's see what happens. If we conceived, we were both ready for that. So it was an active choice between both of us that said - yep, now is as good a time as any.

OK, that makes a lot of sense, and may be the key to the whole thing.

A lot of reasons.

Even if you weren't consciously thinking about it, you started to regard your marriage in a new light -- as you have indicated here, you consider joint parenthood to be even more of a commitment than marriage. Marriage is get-out-able in a way that parenthood isn't. This can lead to feelings of being trapped, and having crushes on other people is a common way to deal with that feeling.

While you obviously have regard for your wife, thinking of her as a potential mother can put a damper on sparks, as does thinking of sex as quite possibly being for procreation. It's an extra thing at the back of your mind.

Parenthood is a whole 'nother level of maturity and responsibility, which also can trigger those "sow your wild oats" kinds of feelings as a response.

I'd say the period right around when we were trying to get pregnant and early pregnancy were the hardest for me and my husband (we were 31 [him] and 29 [me] at the time, and had been together for 8 years, very happily). Once the baby was noticeable -- kicking, there -- we shifted into some sort of excitement phase, there's a kid in there and we want to meet her! But from when we started trying through early pregnancy it was really tough.

We were in pretty much exactly the same place as you (note ages) in that it didn't feel perfect, timing-wise, but we figured it never would. There was a lot of ambivalence -- I was hugely relieved the first 3-4 months I didn't get pregnant, then started getting hugely annoyed that it wasn't "working", and then had a combination of excitement and terror when the pregnancy test finally came up positive. We both fluctuated between those extremes for a while after.

So, my advice at this point is:

Don't pathologize anything. You haven't done anything wrong, you love your wife, ups and downs are normal.

Have good, deep talks about parenting. Be excited, be giddy, also talk about the important stuff. I bet that when you talk about that, any other relationship stuff that needs to be talked about, will be. But in a less scary setting than making it explicitly about your concerns about the relationship.

Good luck!

Well we just had a good talk. After an initial upset, we got a few things out. What made it harder was that it seems this was entirely one-way in that her feelings are as strong as they have ever been, although I think on some level she must have been feeling something was up as she is always talking about holidays which suggests not being satisfied with everyday life to me.

The thing that really came out of it is that we see each other at our worst. After work, tired, we are like two sleepy slobs when we spend time together. We are both very busy independently so we're often out during the week and just crash when we're home. Housework and sitting about pretty much define our time. We are effectively room mates more than anything else. Hardly makes for the optimum scenario for desire (which is what I think I'm missing).

So we are going to make a conscious effort to change that. We're going out tonight on a date, we're going to go away somewhere next weekend and make an effort to do different things together each week that take us out of that domestic environment. For the most part I'm a lot happier about this and I hope it will lead to getting me back on track.

Thanks again for all the support.

As a male approaching his 26th wedding anniversary (my credentials, I guess) I would not have recommended that conversation. I think you have now planted a degree of insecurity that no words/assurances will quickly erase.

NonSugarCoated Advice: Take her on that date and continue to reassure her in a thousand ways that YOU still deserve to be her husband and the father of her baby.

There are some maturity issues in play here, WhoAmI, and I think you are aware of that. Unfortunately, your wife is now, too.